How to Give Someone Space and Improve Your Relationship

PDF download Download Article
What to do when someone says "I just need some space"
PDF download Download Article

Everyone needs space, no matter how close the two of you are. That’s what makes relationships of any sort healthy, exciting, and sustainable. If someone asks you for space, it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship—just that they need more opportunities to be independent. We talked to clinical psychologists and therapists to help you respect their space, focus on yourself, and strengthen the relationship, as well as explore why space is vital, signs someone needs space, and how to ask for your own space.

What to Do to Give Someone Space: Overview

  1. Clarify how much space they need, or what kind.
  2. Remind them that you like or love them, and that space is healthy.
  3. Avoid calling or texting them if it’s not an emergency.
  4. Avoid places you know they visit frequently.
  5. Let them reach out to you, rather than the other way around.
  6. Avoid lurking on their social media.
  7. Don’t take the need for space personally.
Section 1 of 6:

Respecting Their Need for Space

PDF download Download Article
  1. Try to set a specific time frame for how long you’ll be apart, even if you just set a day to check-in with each other. Additionally, ask them what they expect from you, like limiting communication or avoiding each other in public. This empowers you to meet their needs and prevents miscommunication that could hurt the relationship. [1]
    • You might say, “I really want to give you the space you need. Can you tell me what space looks like for you so I know what you expect?”
    • For instance, they might want you to stop all contact for a few days. This might include texting, social media, and in-person conversation. However, they may be okay with an occasional text as long as you give them time alone.
  2. One of the pitfalls of giving someone space is that they can start to think you don’t care about them. This puts you in a tricky position because they’ll be unhappy if you bother them, as well. To make sure you’re both on the same page, explain that you’re going to back off only until they’re ready to get close again. Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken says that openness is key, and is the best policy. [2]
    • Say, “You’re really important to me, and I can see that you need some space right now. I’m going to give you the space you need, and I hope this will strengthen our relationship in the long-term.”
    Advertisement
  3. In most cases, you’ll need to give them several days or possibly weeks of space, depending on what happened. During this time, don’t call or text them more than you agreed. If you do, they’ll feel like you aren’t respecting their wishes and may become more upset. [3]
    • If you can, ask them what they’d prefer. Say, “Do you want me to stop texting and calling until you contact me first?”
    • Giving someone space doesn’t just mean spending time away from them. If you’re texting them, you’re not giving them space.

    Tip: How long you need to avoid texting or calling will depend on what happened and how much space they need.

  4. You probably want to know what they’re doing, and that’s understandable. However, it’s harmful to both of you if you’re stalking their social media page. Not only will it make you more anxious, it may also make them feel like you’re hovering over them. [4] Play it safe and resist the urge to view their accounts or their online activity.
    • Don’t like or comment on anything they’re posting. Additionally, don’t ask mutual friends what they’re doing.

    Tip: Don’t make social media posts that are directed at the person. If they see the post, it will probably upset them and make them feel like you’re trying to contact them using social media.

  5. You might not be able to completely avoid them, especially if you live together or attend the same school. However, do your best to stay away from places they might be, such as their workplace or their favorite restaurant. This will help you avoid awkward encounters that might make them feel uncomfortable. [5]
    • For example, let’s say you know the person likes to pick up coffee from the same coffee house every day. If they see you there, they might assume that you ran into them on purpose.
  6. When someone asks for space, they need time to explore their independence and decide what they want from the relationship. If you demand to know everything they’re doing, you’re not giving them the independence they need. Let them do what feels right to them without telling you the details. [6]
    • You might be tempted to ask, “Who will you be seeing?” This kind of question will make them feel like you aren’t respecting their need for space.
    • Don’t try to set rules, like who they can see and what they can do during the separation.
  7. 7
    Make sure they know you’re always open to coming back together. Tell your partner that they can come to you for anything, no matter what, while also acknowledging that they can take as much time as they need. “Remind your partner of your love, admiration, and desire,” says clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown. [7] Keeping that channel of communication open makes sure that there’s always an opportunity to reconnect, when the person feels ready.
    • For example, say, “When you’re ready and feel comfortable, know that I’m here for you.”
  8. 8
    Don’t take it personally. Everyone needs space, even you! If someone asks for space, it’s not because they dislike you or are angry. Rather, they just need room to be their own person and explore other things. Family therapist Allen Wagner says that not having that space can feel “like a pressure cooker.” [8] That’s why getting offended or taking it personally can just add to the pressure and worsen the situation.
    9. Advertisement
Section 2 of 6:

Focusing on Yourself

PDF download Download Article
  1. Spending time away from someone you care about is really difficult. You might feel sad, angry, frustrated, or worried. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and express your emotions in a healthy way , like journaling or making art. However, don’t act on your feelings because it will likely make things worse. [9]
    • For instance, you might say to yourself, “Right now I feel really sad because Alex is my best friend and I might lose her.” This can help the emotion pass.
    • On the other hand, it’s not a good idea to call Alex and cry about how upset you are. That’s not giving her space.
    EXPERT TIP

    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.
    Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
    Clinical Psychologist

    Relationships can prove cumbersome and quite challenging when we are on 24/7. It is healthy to want to have alone time in a relationship. Life is ultimately about balance and perspective.

  2. Instead of worrying about what they’re doing, use this time to do social activities that are important to you to get your mind off it . Spend time with your friends, join a club or a sports team, take a class. Fill your free time with fun things that will keep you occupied and help you meet new people. [10]
    • For instance, see a movie on Monday, host a game night on Tuesday, attend a painting class on Wednesday, play cards on Thursday, and go to a high school football game on Friday.

    Tip: Staying busy reduces the risk of you breaking down and calling them. By having fun without them, you’re giving them the space they need.

  3. You’re probably really worried about losing this person, but thinking about that isn’t going to help. It’ll only make you more miserable and might make you reach out too soon. Do something to occupy your mind, like reading, playing a game, or watching a documentary. This will help you think about something else. Don Brown tells us that that alone time is healthy for both of you. [11]
    • For instance, let’s say you find yourself thinking about your partner during your lunch break. Try reading a book to occupy your mind.
  4. Right now you’re probably feeling really upset, and venting might help you feel better. Discuss the situation with a person you can trust. Let them know if you just want to talk or if you’d like their advice. [12]
    • You might say, “I’m going through something right now and just need to vent. My boyfriend needs space, and I’m worried that we’re going to break up. I miss him so much.”

    Variation: If you don’t want to tell someone how you feel, try writing about your feelings in a journal.

  5. Taking good care of yourself will make you feel better, and shows the other person that you’re able to be independent. Make sure that you’re eating healthy meals, exercising, and bathing daily. Dicken says to do nice things for yourself like getting your favorite coffee, taking a hot bath, or going for a short walk. [13]
    • Create a schedule for yourself so that it’s easier to keep up with your self care while you’re going through this situation.
    6. Advertisement
Section 3 of 6:

Repairing the Relationship

PDF download Download Article
  1. Think about what happened before they asked for space and what they said when they told you what they needed. Then, ask yourself what you could have done differently, and how you can make things better in the future. [14]
    • For instance, you may have had a fight or they might think you’re too clingy.
    • If the person is ready, talk to them about what made them need space. Say, “What did I do that pushed you away?”
    • Or, say, “What can I do in the future to respect your boundaries?”
  2. It’s likely that both of you did things that were hurtful, but you can only control what you do. Tell them that you understand what happened and that you’re sorry . Then, explain that you’ll make your best effort to avoid repeating this pattern in the future. [15]
    • You might say, “I understand that I wasn’t respecting your need to spend time with your friends. I’m really sorry that you felt like I was controlling you. In the future, I’ll make sure that you have time for your other relationships.”
    • Similarly, say, “I’m really sorry that I was talking to your ex at the party. I know that you were hurt by that, and I’ll honor our friendship better in the future.”
  3. Things might feel uncomfortable at first, and you may be tempted to talk about your feelings. However, the best way to get your relationship back on track is to have a really fun time together. Pick an activity that you will both enjoy, then invite them to join you. [16]
    • Try to find something that won’t involve a lot of heart-to-heart talking. For instance, go bowling, play mini golf, go rock climbing, or attend a concert. Focus on enjoying each others’ company, not rehashing the relationship problems.
    • Pick something that’s a common interest to help you remember why you enjoy each other’s company.
  4. “It is healthy to want to have alone time in a relationship,” says Don Brown. [17] A healthy relationship allows both people to grow, pursue their own interests, and enjoy other relationships. Talk to the person so you can decide what each of you need to feel fulfilled in your relationship. Then, change your old patterns so you both are able to stay independent and happy.
    • In a romantic relationship, this might mean you both need a few evenings every week to pursue personal hobbies or spend time with friends.
    • In a friendship, it could mean that you both respect that you have other friends and that you don’t hang out with each other’s exes.
    • If it’s a family relationship, like siblings, this might mean respecting personal space, giving each other time alone every day, and asking before you use each other’s things.
  5. A relationship can’t survive without communication , so look for healthy ways to connect that you both enjoy. [18] Send them memes, ask how their day is going, or set aside time every evening to talk. Discuss what you both want to help you decide what good communication will look like for your relationship.
    • As an example, you might talk in person a lot if you live together, but you may prefer to text several times a day if you spend a lot of time apart.
    • If they want to communicate less often, respect their wishes. That might mean giving them some time to unwind when they get home, or letting them start conversations more often, rather than always being the one to initiate.
    6. Advertisement
Section 4 of 6:

Why is space important?

PDF download Download Article
  1. Space lets you have your own life outside the relationship. No matter how much you like someone, making them your whole life is a recipe for disaster. People need variety and room to grow so they can live complete and fulfilling lives. “We all have different needs of time to go be with other friends, time to be with family members, time to pursue career goals,” clinical psychologist Elizabeth Weiss says. [19]
    • Having space and time to yourself also prevents relationship burnout, which is when you get frustrated with someone after spending too long with them.
    • Also, if you’re only ever spending time with one person, you don’t have as many opportunities to broaden your own horizons and become a more well-rounded and enriched person.
    • When two people have room to be their own independent selves, they also have more to talk about and appreciate about each other.
Section 5 of 6:

Signs Someone Needs Space

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    They become cold or distant. Dicken says that sometimes, someone “might ignore or not respond” to you, and that’s a sign something is wrong. [20] Maybe they feel suffocated and are now avoiding you, or maybe something happened but they don’t want to talk about it. In either case, they’re pushing you away to think things through for themselves, and trying to get space so they can handle it.
    • If someone feels like they’re drifting away, it’s best to tell them you’ve noticed, but without pressuring them, which might just push them further.
    • For example, say, “I’ve noticed things seem weird between us. I don’t want to push it, but just know that you can tell me anything. I want the best for you.”
  2. 2
    They seem to get frustrated easily. When someone needs space, they can get overwhelmed easily. [21] And when they’re overwhelmed, they might lash out or get irritated more easily than before. If your interactions seems to be negative more often than usual, it might be time to pull back and evaluate the relationship.
  3. 3
    You both get bored of being around each other. Wagner tells us that sometimes, you can “start to feel trapped” in a relationship. [22] You spend most or all your time around a person, and sooner or later you might feel like you’ve lost steam, or feel stagnant. And if you feel that way, the other person probably feels it, too, and it could be time to spend some time apart.
  4. 4
    You can’t do anything without each other. This is called codependency. It’s when you get so comfortable with someone that it seems like you can’t live without them, or they feel like they can’t live without you. [23] You might feel like they’re a serious energy drain, or on the other hand, like you can’t do anything without them, even just go see a movie or see friends. In either case, it’s definitely time for some space.
    5. Advertisement
Section 6 of 6:

Asking for Your Own Space

PDF download Download Article
  1. 1
    Explain to them you need some time to yourself. It’s best to bring it up in person, so they don’t think you’re just avoiding them. When you see them, Don Brown says to “be direct and discuss your need for alone time. Explain to your partner what alone time represents to you.” [24] Be gentle, but clear, casual, and confident.
    • For example, say, “Hey, I’ve found that I need a little more independence. Let’s talk about what that means.”
    • Or say, “Lately, it’s felt like we spend a little too much time together, and I don’t have time for other people or passions. Can we talk about it?”
  2. 2
    Avoid placing blame or complaining. Don Brown tells us that blame doesn’t help, and instead to “accept your personal desires and responsibility in the relationship.” [25] Make it clear that this isn’t about them, it’s about making room for you to be your own person, and that it doesn’t mean the relationship is over, just that it’s changing.
    • For example, say, “I love being friends with you. In fact, I’ve started neglecting my other friends, so I’m gonna give more of my time to them.”
    • Or, if you’re in a romantic relationship, say, “I love you and I care about you, and that’s why I’m going to start spending my time doing other things, so we can both have room to stretch and grow.
  3. 3
    Explain what space means to you so they can respect your boundaries. If you don’t tell them what you expect, they won’t know how to give you space. “Having space to be responsive to our needs and responsible for ourselves is really important,” says Weiss, and you don’t have to feel bad for asking. [26] Telling them how they can respect your boundaries and space exactly makes sure they know what to expect, and that they don’t feel bad, either.
    • For example, you might tell them not to call you at certain hours unless it’s an emergency. Or, you might ask them to take on certain jobs or chores to free up your time.
    • You might let them know that you don’t want to do certain hangouts, or go to certain places. Or, you might tell them you want to see each other twice a week, instead of four times a week.
    • If you think the issue is temporary, let them know when you’ll be available again.
    4. Advertisement

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How do you ask someone if they need space without being offensive?
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
    Lena Dicken, Psy.D
    Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Say something like “Do you need some time to process what you're going through on your own? Do you need space?” Or just simply “Tell me what you need? Would it be helpful for you to talk right now? Or would it be helpful for you to just have some space?”
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 18 Helpful 55
  • Question
    Does getting space mean breaking up?
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    No, not necessarily. In fact, if you respect your partner’s desire for space, it could potentially make the relationship stronger. If you have concerns, have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner about why they want space and what it means for your relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 16 Helpful 87
  • Question
    What does it mean to give someone space?
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
    wikiHow Staff Editor
    Staff Answer
    It can mean a few different things. For example, it might literally mean spending time apart or not talking to each other for a while, or cutting back on physical intimacy a bit. It could also mean giving them emotional space—for example, not asking them how they’re feeling, demanding their attention, or checking in on them quite so often.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 12 Helpful 80
See more answers
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Reader Videos

      Submit a Video Tip!

      Share a quick video tip and help bring articles to life with your friendly advice. Your insights could make a real difference and help millions of people!

      Submit a Video

      Tips

      • How much space is too much? It depends on your relationship. Generally, though, if you’re not talking to each other at all for several weeks, it might be worth reaching out and checking in.
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!
      Advertisement

      Warnings

      • It’s possible that they’ll realize that they don’t want to save your relationship. While that may be upsetting, things will get better in time.
        Thanks
        Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
      Advertisement

      You Might Also Like

      160+ Good Roasts to Burn Your Friends & Family Members
      150 Unique & Sentimental Ways to Say “Happy New Year”
      How to
      Find Your DoppelgÓ“nger (or Twin)
      50+ Ways to Wish Someone a Bright Future & Good Luck
      How to
      Get Revenge on Anyone
      How to
      Roast People: Finding Joke Ideas, Crafting Punchlines & More
      100 Simple & Sincere Ways to Say "Thank You for Your Hospitality"
      200+ Favorite Things Questions to Ask
      12 Signs a Hug is *Definitely* Romantic, According to Experts
      160+ Best Roasts to Say to Guys (& Bruise Their Ego)
      How to
      Compliment a Girl's Eyes
      Controversial Hot Takes and Prompts to Create Spicy Debates
      What He Thinks When You Don't Contact Him
      Similarities and Differences Between Sigma Males and Alpha Males
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis
      2. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/201402/mastering-the-art-giving-and-taking-space
      4. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563215001831
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202304/7-ways-to-cope-with-seeing-your-ex-romantic-partner
      6. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-rebuild-after-a-break-up#1
      7. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 4 June 2023.
      8. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      9. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/express-emotions/
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis#tips
      2. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 4 June 2023.
      3. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/talk-feelings.html
      4. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/dealing-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
      6. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/hru/blog/how-to-apologize-to-your-partner
      7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-little-space-and-time-can-help-heal-a-relationship-crisis#tips
      8. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 4 June 2023.
      9. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      10. ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.
      11. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/202306/when-your-partner-says-i-need-space
      13. ↑ Allen Wagner, MFT, MA. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      14. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs
      15. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 4 June 2023.
      16. ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 4 June 2023.
      17. ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2019.

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 703,627 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Jacob

        Nov 21, 2019

        "I have a friend who needs personal space. This article really helps me understand what I can do in the meantime and ..." more
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement