How to Have a Tough Relationship Talk

PDF download Download Article
Handle tough talks with this easy guide
PDF download Download Article

No relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. Addressing relationship issues with your partner is the best way to tackle them together and figure out a solution quickly. That’s why we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of tips you can use to talk with your partner and have a kind, respectful discussion about the relationship.

How to Address Problems in a Relationship

  1. Talk privately and start with something positive.
  2. Keep your tone neutral and avoid blaming.
  3. Use “I” statements to express yourself.
  4. Ask open-ended questions.
  5. Listen to your partner, even if you disagree.
  6. Aim to come up with a compromise whenever possible.
  7. Monitor the problem going forward.
  8. Reach out to a counselor if you need help.
1

Focus on one issue at a time.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Try to make it really specific, too—the clearer the issue is, the better you and your partner will be able to address it. If you have more than one thing you want to talk about, save the others for a later date. It’s much easier to talk about one thing at a time so you and your partner don’t get overwhelmed. [1]
    • For instance, if you feel like you and your partner aren’t spending enough time together, you might talk about how you can rearrange your schedules to see each other more often.
    • If you feel like your partner isn’t treating you well, you could talk about how you want to go on dates more often.
    2. Advertisement
2

Start the conversation with a positive.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Thank your partner for sitting down to chat with you, and let them know that you’re here to find a solution together (not start a fight). If your partner knows where you’re coming from, they’re less likely to get defensive. [2]
    • Try something like, “Thanks for talking with me about this. I’ve been thinking about it for a little while now, and I know I’ll feel better if I just get this out in the open.”
3

Keep your tone of voice neutral.

PDF download Download Article
  1. During a deep relationship talk, you might feel a little bit hurt or upset. Do your best to keep your tone of voice calm and collected, and avoid raising your voice at your partner. If you can stay neutral the whole time, you’ll have a much more productive conversation. [3]
    • Try to take stock of your body language, too. Crossing your arms or turning away from your partner can indicate that you’re mad or upset, but facing your partner and keeping your arms by your side is more neutral.
    2. Advertisement
4

Use “I” statements.

PDF download Download Article
  1. You can phrase things by using “I” statements (instead of “you” statements) to make your partner feel less defensive. [4] Try bringing up the issue at hand using an “I” statement, like: [5]
    • “Since we haven’t defined our relationship, I am a little confused.”
    • “We have different goals in life, and I’m worried about that.”
    • “We haven’t discussed our finances yet, and I would feel better if we did.”
5

Emphasize how you feel.

PDF download Download Article
  1. It’s easy to brush someone off if you bring something up without talking about how it makes them feel. Really highlight the fact that the problem is making you feel upset, hurt, or angry, so that your partner feels more motivated to work on it with you. [6]
    • You might say something like, “When you don’t introduce me as your girlfriend to people, it makes me feel really sad and hurt.”
    • Or, “I’m not sure where this relationship is going, and that makes me feel frustrated.”
    • Your partner will be more receptive if they're not feeling defensive. [7]
    2. Advertisement
6

Ask open-ended questions.

PDF download Download Article
  1. If your partner isn’t really one for talking, you may have some trouble getting them to open up. Try asking them questions that they can respond to so they’re contributing to the conversation. Try ones like: [8]
    • “How do you feel about that?”
    • “What’s your take on this?”
    • “Can you tell me your point of view?”
7

Listen to your partner’s perspective.

PDF download Download Article
  1. After you’ve talked, give your partner a chance to speak their mind, and put away any distractions. Make eye contact and nod along to show that you’re listening, and ask follow-up questions if you’re having trouble understanding what they mean. [9]
    • You might ask questions like, “Could you tell me more?” or, “Can you explain that to me one more time?”
    • You can also rephrase what your partner says in your own words to double check that you understand them.
    2. Advertisement
8

Tackle any issues as a team.

PDF download Download Article
  1. the problem, not you vs. your partner. Once you’ve figured out what the issue is and where you’re both coming from, you can work together to find a solution. You might have to try out a few things before you find something that works, but if you tackle things as a team, it will be much easier. [10]
    • If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, ask your partner questions like, “Do you have any ideas on what we could do now?” or, “How do you think we can avoid this problem in the future?”
9

Come up with a compromise together.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Find a solution that you can both live with so you come away from the conversation feeling good. Relationships are all about compromise, and you’ll probably have to do it a lot throughout your time together. [11]
    • For instance, if you want more time with your boyfriend but he needs his alone time, you could plan to meet up every other day instead of every day.
    • If you want to start saving money together but he doesn’t want to worry about budgeting right now, set a goal to both save a small amount of money every month instead of a big chunk.
    2. Advertisement
10

Evaluate your solution later.

PDF download Download Article
  1. Your solutions might not be perfect all the time, and if that’s the case, it’s okay to come back to the drawing board again. If you’ve tried out your compromise and it’s just not working for you (or your partner), have another talk to see what you might change to make things better. [12]
    • Maybe you made a plan to make more time for sex, but with work stress and responsibilities, it just isn’t happening. You may need to schedule specific days and times to have sex so it doesn’t fall by the wayside.
    • Or, maybe you made a plan to save money for the future, but your savings aren’t growing fast enough. You can talk about a new savings goal to speed up the process.
11

Talk to a couple’s counselor if you need to.

PDF download Download Article
  1. If you and your partner are struggling to come up with solutions to your problems, make an appointment with a professional. A couple’s counselor can help you come up with solutions to fit your unique situation, and they can give you unbiased advice on how you both can move forward. [13]
    2. Advertisement

Conversation Starters

Expert Q&A

Search
Add New Question
  • Question
    How can I help my upset partner?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Use I-statements to get to the root of the problem. A statement like "I'm sensing that you're feeling a little upset—is everything okay?" will go over a lot better than "You look irritated when you do that."
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 1 Helpful 3
  • Question
    How do you deal with a lying partner?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Psychotherapist
    Expert Answer
    Approach their dishonesty in an empathetic way. Instead of accusing them, say something like "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable so that you can be more honest with me in this relationship?"
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
    Yes No
    Not Helpful 2 Helpful 16
Ask a Question
200 characters left
Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered.
Submit
      Advertisement

      Video

      Tips

      Submit a Tip
      All tip submissions are carefully reviewed before being published
      Name
      Please provide your name and last initial
      Submit
      Thanks for submitting a tip for review!

      You Might Also Like

      How to
      Kiss
      How to
      Turn on a Guy
      How to
      Impress a Girl with Words
      100+ Loving, Funny & Appreciative Birthday Wishes for Your Girlfriend
      What Are the Bases in a Relationship? Defining the Baseball-Sex Metaphor
      How to
      Tell if Your Girlfriend Is Horny: 12 Signs She's Turned On
      100+ Good Morning Texts for Her (& Other Ways to Make Her Smile)
      How to
      Make a Girl Feel Special Through Text
      Celebrate Your One Month Anniversary with These Sweet Messages
      Questions to Ask a Girl to Increase Intimacy
      11+ Heartfelt Messages to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Appreciated
      Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
      15 Sweet and Romantic Stories to Tell Your Girlfriend
      The 25 Best (and Spiciest) Drinking Games to Play as a Couple
      Advertisement

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
      2. ↑ https://www.nct.org.uk/life-parent/your-relationship-couple/relationship-challenges-and-support/how-talk-and-listen-each-other
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      4. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.merrimack.edu/about/offices_services/office-of-the-dean-of-students/office-of-wellness-education/learn/healthy-relationships.php
      6. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/a-guide-to-having-a-tough-conversation-with-your-partner/11394052
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/a-guide-to-having-a-tough-conversation-with-your-partner/11394052
      9. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      1. ↑ https://www.merrimack.edu/about/offices_services/office-of-the-dean-of-students/office-of-wellness-education/learn/healthy-relationships.php
      2. ↑ https://www.merrimack.edu/about/offices_services/office-of-the-dean-of-students/office-of-wellness-education/learn/healthy-relationships.php
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201101/the-art-solving-relationship-problems

      About This Article

      In other languages
      Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 70,572 times.

      Reader Success Stories

      • Anonymous

        Feb 21, 2023

        "It made me aware that I was dating a narcissist."
      More reader stories Hide reader stories
      Share your story

      Did this article help you?

      Advertisement