As a parent, you surely love your children very much, but you may become frustrated when they behave badly. Children will act out as a way to seek attention, push boundaries, or to mimic the behaviors of others. In addition, children need guidance developing their coping skills to deal with their emotions; when that is lacking, your children may act out. Your child may act out in inconvenient times or in destructive ways, which can be exhausting. Taking steps towards changing and improving your children’s bad behaviors will be beneficial for your children in both the short and long term, while also making your life easier.
Steps
Method 1
Method 1 of 3:
Setting Expectations
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Communicate your expectations for your child’s behavior clearly. Children need to know what you expect from them. Sit your child down in a quiet place and explain to him/her what kinds of behaviors you want to see, using clear detail. Focus on correcting one behavior at a time. Giving your child a long list of items for improvement can be overwhelming. [1] X Expert Source Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.- Tell him/her things like, “When you are at school, you need to listen to your teacher,” or you might say, “I do not want you to hit other children, even if they are mean to you.”
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Set realistic expectations. Set high expectations for your children, but not so high they are unreachable. You want your children to have to work and think about what you expect, but they should also be able to achieve what you are asking from them. Otherwise, they may feel like failures and suffer from reduced self-esteem. You should also make sure that your expectations are age-appropriate.
- Set an expectation like “I expect you to show up to class on time and be respectful to your teachers,” rather than “I expect you to be a straight-A student.”
- Expecting your 4-year-old to never lose his/her temper is unrealistic. However, expecting him/her to control his/her temper and not hit other children is realistic.
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Follow your own rules. Children see what you do and will tend to copy your actions and behaviors. If they see you neglecting to follow an expectation you made, they will assume they can disregard it as well. [2] X Expert Source Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.- Keep in mind that kids often learn by example. Therefore, if you yell instead of discussing things with them, then they will probably adopt this behavior. Or, if you do not show respect for authority figures, then your children might also demonstrate similar disrespect for their teachers, coaches, parents of their friends, or even you.
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Keep your expectations consistent for every situation. Stay strong and do not change expectations for every different situation. Hold your children to the same standard whether they are going to school, church, or the grocery store. Refer back to your written list of expectations before every new event to ensure both you and your child know what is expected.
- For example, if you have set a “no tantrums” policy, do not give in if your child throws a tantrum in the grocery store. Follow through with whatever consequences you have set. If you modify your expectation to get your child to stop the bad behavior, he/she will learn that he/she can push your limits by misbehaving.
- Consistency builds trust between you and your child. It will help frame you as reliable, and strengthen the bond between the two of you.
- Consistency will also help reduce the “guessing” your child might feel about how to behave in certain situations, making them more secure and likely to behave better.
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Do not negotiate your expectations with your children. You are the parent, so you must set and stick to the rules you make. If your child argues with you, remind him/her that what is expected of him/her has been laid out, and he/she is responsible for upholding what you have discussed.
- For example, if you have set the expectation that your child must finish his/her homework before he/she is able to play his/her video game, you should not let him try to negotiate his/her way out of doing his/her homework.
- If you give into negotiating with your children, you immediately stop being consistent. If your children realize they can negotiate with you about what is expected of them, they will not take you or the behavioral expectations seriously.
- However, it’s also important to pay attention to the situation. For example, if your son is arguing about not brushing his/her teeth, ask him/her why he/she doesn’t want to. You might find out that he has a loose tooth that hurts when he/she brushes it. Many children argue when they don’t know how else to express their feelings, especially feelings of pain or frustration.
- Also, keep in mind that negotiation can be a positive thing when your children get older. It can improve communication between you and your teen and make it easier to understand each other. Allowing your teen to negotiate with you can also promote critical thinking and diplomacy, and it does not mean that you have to give in, just that you have to be willing to listen.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:
Changing Bad Behavior
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Be proactive! Preventing bad behavior before it even begins is critical. Learn the patterns of your child’s behavior so you can be prepared to take action. For example, if you know your child is going to call for your attention during an important phone call, engage her in a puzzle or a TV show that will hold her attention for the duration of your call.
- Be clear with your child, telling her exactly what is going to happen. For example, before your phone call, say something like “Mommy will be on the phone for ten minutes. I need you not to interrupt me. I have put in your Ice Age DVD and have some yummy apples for you. When I am done on the phone, I will come cuddle and snack with you!”
- If you know that your child tends to act out when he/she is sleepy or hungry, make sure that he/she has enough snacks and gets a good night’s sleep.
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Listen to your child. Good communication is the single most important tool in your parenting toolbox. When your child misbehaves, take the time to ask your child what happened, and listen to her when he/she explains. [3] X Research source
- For example, say your son/daughter has hit his/her friend. Ask him/her what happened. You might discover that he/she hit his/her friend because the friend wouldn’t share a toy, or because he/she is hungry or sleepy and not able to express those feelings appropriately.
- Restate what your child has told you. This is an active listening technique, and modeling it for your children will help develop their communication skills. For example, you could say, “I’m hearing you say that you felt angry that your friend wouldn’t share. Is that right?”
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Talk to your children about their feelings. Once you have listened, take the opportunity to point out areas for growth in your child’s behavior. [4] X Research source
- For example, you might tell your son/daughter, “You were feeling angry because your friend wouldn’t share. It isn’t fun to feel upset, is it?” When he/she agrees, you can follow up with “When you hit your friend, it made him/her feel upset, too. Do you think he/she likes feeling upset?” This type of dialogue will encourage your child to think about how others feel and the consequences of her actions.
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Make a plan for the next time your child feels this way. It’s important to help your kids make a plan for what to do when they experience emotions that upset them and could lead to acting out. This type of behavior plan is often used for children with ADHD, but it’s a good idea for all children. [5] X Research source For example, you and your son/daughter could come up with a plan that includes the following steps for the next time he/she feels upset:
- Take a few deep breaths.
- Spend some time in another room to calm down.
- Explain what made him/her upset.
- Work out the solution to his/her problem with a parent, or between his/her sibling or friends.
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Explain why you have rules. Often, children will act out because they don’t understand why they are supposed to follow the rules and expectations you have set. Explain to your child exactly why he/she has to follow the rule you have set him/her.
- For example, if your son/daughter throws his/her toys around, you could tell him/her: “We have a rule that you can’t throw your toys. Throwing your toys could break them or hurt someone. It’s dangerous, and that’s why you are not allowed to do it.”
- Try reminding your child about the “why” the first time or two he/she breaks the rule. For example, if you see your son/daughter throwing his/her toy, ask him/her, “Why do we have the rule about not throwing toys?” This will encourage him/her to remember why he/she is not permitted to throw toys.
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Follow through and do not give empty promises. Following through with your words and fulfilling your promises begins to establish trust and respect for you as a parent. If you tell your child you will cuddle with him/her, make sure to do so. Otherwise, your child will not trust you and will be more likely to act out and “call your bluff”.
- Children are smart and will remember what you say. They will also try to push the boundaries. You must stay true to your convictions and set limits for your children.
- You also must follow through when you are correcting bad behaviors. If you tell your child that you will take away his/her toys if he continues to throw them, then be sure to take them away if the bad behavior continues, regardless of your child’s inevitable protests.
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Empower your children by giving them choices. Try giving the power to your child by giving him/her options in a situation. Be strategic in the options you provide him/her by making both options acceptable behaviors. For example, say something like, “You can either get dressed for school right now or eat breakfast first.” Either way, they are doing what you want in a way you deem acceptable. [6] X Research source
- Try offering your children extreme options that give them no choice but to behave. For example, “You can choose to stay here with your friend but share and be nice, or you can choose to leave.” This way the child is forced to behave well if he/she wants to continue to have fun.
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Teach positive behaviors in lieu of negative ones to obtain the same result. Your child is likely throwing toys while you are on a call to get attention. If you teach your child to instead ask nicely and wait patiently for attention, he will get the same result while behaving appropriately.
- If you are asking your child to wait a few more minutes before he/she will receive attention, try using a timer to give both of you a concrete idea of how long until the child gets what you promised.
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Reward good behavior. Children seek and need attention, and will look for it in both positive and negative ways. Providing positive reinforcement helps your child learn what they are doing well, and makes them want to repeat that good behavior.
- Be very specific in your praises, by saying things like “Great job cleaning your room like I asked. Thank you!” or “That was really wonderful how you shared your toys with your friends." Or, you can also try subtle positive reinforcement with smiles, nods, and hugs.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:
Creating Effective Consequences
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Lay out the consequences of bad behaviors up-front. When you describe your expectations for good behavior, also describe the consequences for disobeying the expectation. This way, your child can choose how to behave while knowing exactly what will happen. For example, say something like “I expect you to hold my hand when we cross the street, and if you don’t you will have to spend ten minutes in time-out." This will cause your child to think more deeply before he/she engages in bad behaviors. [7] X Research source
- Make each consequence short and easy to understand to increase the likelihood of your child remembering them. For example, “No iPad today,” “No Sesame Street today,” or “30 minutes deducted from your computer time today.”
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Explain why your child is receiving a consequence. When you implement a consequence, make sure your child knows why he/she is being punished. Clearly explain to him/her that you have discussed with him/her what is expected, he/she disobeyed you, so now he/she has to face the consequence. By clearly explaining the consequences, there is no room for confusion about what behavior was incorrect, and you will both be on the same page. [8] X Research source
- Try saying something like, “We both agreed that you would not hit other children when they don’t share their toys. Because you hit your friend, you will not get to play your video game tonight.”
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Offer a choice of tangible rewards when your child engages in desired behavior. Positive reinforcement is the most effective consequence. When your child behaves in a way that you approve, offer him/her a piece of candy, an extra ten minutes on the playground, or a sticker.
- You can try “big” rewards if your child is especially well behaved for an extended period of time such as having a sleepover, getting ice cream, or choosing one item from the toy store.
- Reward, but don’t bribe! Rewarding occurs after a behavior is complete, while bribes occur before the fact. If you are bribing your child to behave well, he/she may become confused and think he/she only has to behave well when he/she gets paid.
- Ensure your reward suits the behavior. Offering a sticker for sitting through church quietly is acceptable. But offering a sticker for not hitting a schoolmate might not be a grand enough reward. Adapt and adjust to each situation.
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Make consequences short to maximize their effectiveness. Children can often be forgetful and therefore, if you make a certain consequence last too long, they might forget why they are being punished. For example, if you take your child’s toys away because he/she was throwing them, do so only for a few hours or a day, not for a week or a month. [9] X Research source
- In addition, long-term consequences might lead to increased bad behaviors. For example, if you ground your child for two months, he might think “Why should I behave? I’m already grounded”.
- Always try talking to your child first to find out what is going on. Punishment should be used as a last resort.
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Be consistent. Choosing to institute consequences when it is convenient for you is confusing and undermines your authority as a parent. By not being consistent, your child might also become confused as to when bad behaviors will be faced with a consequence, and this will likely lead to worsened behaviors. [10] X Expert Source Wits End Parenting
Parenting Specialists Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.Advertisement
Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I properly reward my child for good behavior?Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting's counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.First, determine whether your child’s temperament predisposes them to be motivated by rewards. Many strong-willed, “oppositional” kids are not motivated by rewards. If your child does respond to rewards, it’s important to raise your expectations periodically so that it becomes harder to earn the same reward. This shows them that it’s important to develop and grow. Also, use connection as a reward; don’t just give toys or food. For example, a young child would consider 5 extra minutes of snuggle time a reward. An elementary-school child might enjoy 10 minutes of basketball with you. Finally, understand that rewards can backfire. If you rely entirely on rewards to motivate your child to complete an activity, this tells your child that expectations always earn them a reward.
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Tips
- Parenting is hard, and requires a strong will. Sometimes your children will not like you, but you must accept that and recognize it is for their own good.Thanks
- If your children’s bad behaviors continue after working with them or it begins to escalate, something more serious might be going on. Try reaching out for professional help or counseling.Thanks
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Warnings
- Spanking can harm a child physically and mentally and can lead to aggressive behaviors from your child. Spanking may not be the best solution, and is even illegal in some countries.Thanks
- If your child’s bad behaviors are dangerous to you or others, contact a board certified behavior analyst for assistance.Thanks
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References
- ↑ Wits End Parenting. Parenting Specialists. Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.
- ↑ Wits End Parenting. Parenting Specialists. Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/listening-to-your-kids
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/listening-to-your-kids
- ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/setting-up-a-behavior-management-plan-for-an-adhd-child/
- ↑ http://www.nctsn.org/sites/default/files/assets/pdfs/RaisingWellBehavedKids_Factsheet.pdf
- ↑ http://coe.wayne.edu/wwfellowship/induction/establishing_rules_and_consequences.pdf
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/consequences.html
- ↑ http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/consequences.html
- ↑ Wits End Parenting. Parenting Specialists. Expert Interview. 5 March 2020.
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