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You have a boyfriend, but you don't want your parents to know. Maybe they don't approve of your specific boyfriend; maybe they just don't want you to be dating, period. Either way, you'll need to decide how many risks you want to take. It is possible to keep a boyfriend secret from your parents, but you'll need to be very careful.
Steps
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Weigh the risk of standing up to your parents against the risk of being caught. Try to understand where your parents are coming from. If you are trying to be sneaky because your boyfriend is significantly older, abusive in any way, or could have any other negative effects on your well-being: reflect on the reason why you're trying to keep him from your parents. Decide if it is really worth it. If your boyfriend is a genuinely good guy, then your parents might be acting unreasonably. [1] X Trustworthy Source Chabad.org Online resource for information related to Chabad-Lubavitch and Jewish culture Go to source- Is your boyfriend a bad influence, or involved in gangs/drugs, or very controlling or cruel to others? Your parents may just be concerned about you spending time with someone that they don't trust.
- Consider any religious or cultural differences that might be driving your parents' decision. It may not be fair of them to impose their beliefs and values onto you, but it may be hard to go completely against the grain until you're supporting yourself.
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Don't tell anyone that you don't trust. People love to talk about other people, and news may travel quickly through your school, church, or community. Be very careful who you tell, and make sure that they understand the gravity of the situation. If your friends tell their parents, then their parents might tell your parents. If your friends tell their friends, their friends might tell their parents, who might in turn tell your parents. Don't underestimate the power of gossip!- Tell your friends that your boyfriend is a secret. Ask them explicitly not to tell anyone, and make it very clear that you're serious.
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Make good excuses. Avoid lying. Just tell the truth about things that don't relate to your boyfriend. If your parents ask you what you did at school today, and you were ditching P.E. to be with your boyfriend: you still don't have to lie. Don't mention P.E., and tell them what you did in science, history, and math. -
Don't act suspicious around your parents. If you act strangely or differently than you usually do, they might begin to suspect that you're hiding something. Try to keep a level head, and don't let anything slip. If your parents keep a close eye on your activity, they might notice when you start acting different. [2] X Research source- If you're texting constantly, talking on the phone more often than before, or spending a lot of time on social media, your parents might start to wonder who you're always talking to. Be more discreet, or be ready with a good excuse!
- If you're staying out late at night, or even coming home late from school, your parents might notice.
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Be careful when you talk on the phone. Call your boyfriend by a nickname, when you're on the phone, maybe even a girl's name so that your parents don't suspect who you're talking to. Save that nickname in your contacts; don't use his real name or photo, in case your parents decide to snoop through your phone.- Don't use the name of a friend that your parents know; ideally, pick someone that doesn't have a phone. Do this in case (for instance) you leave your phone in the dining room and you get a call from your boyfriend. Instead of your parents seeing "Blake Grant" they'll see, say, "Bella Grey."
- If your parents are in the same room as you, try to keep a blank expression on your face so they don't catch on that you're talking to your boyfriend. Make them think you're talking to a regular friend.
- If you video chat him, make sure you do it when your parents aren't around. They may see you virtually kissing him.
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Consider making a fake/private email account. This is only important if your parents are monitoring your email, or if you think they might be able to get access. If you email your boyfriend a lot, make sure you message him with a fake account so then your parents don't find out about your conversations. If they find out, you could be in trouble, especially if you're messaging things like 'I love you!' -
Speak in code. Establish secret code words or phrases that only you and him know. This way, you might even be able to talk to him on the phone right in front of your parents without them knowing. This goes for call, text, or email, depending on how closely your parents are watching your communication.- For example, slipping the word "hungry" into your conversation might mean that you want to meet your boyfriend to get food. The word "homework" might mean that you can't get out to meet him tonight.
- Try devising a numerical code that signifies when you plan to meet your boyfriend. For example, pretend that you're talking to your friend about your math homework. Use the "problem number" to tell your boyfriend that you want to meet at a certain time. If you want to meet up at 10 pm, say, "Did you do the math homework yet? I'm having trouble with problem number 10."
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Consider asking your boyfriend to make fake social media profiles. This way, if your parents check out your web history, they won't see his true name or photo. It may help if he creates an entirely new online identity. If not, ask him to abbreviate his name on Facebook (or use his middle name in place of his last name) so that he at least somewhat hides his identity. -
Delete your messages. If your parents check your phone or computer often, delete your messages in 5-10 minute intervals. Don't only delete conversations between you and your significant other, but between you and everyone. If you don't have many conversations, it won't be as suspicious.- If your parents ask why you're deleting conversations, just say that you're trying to conserve memory. Tell them that you have a lot of photos, apps, or music, and you're trying to free up space by deleting unnecessary chat records.
- Got a message that you really want to keep? Screenshot it and back it up elsewhere: a computer, a flash drive, or even a private album of pictures on Facebook.
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Be careful about when and where you meet. If possible, meet where you won't be recognized. You don't want your parents, your relatives, community leaders, or your parents' friends to see you while you're out with your boyfriend. Meet when your parents think you're somewhere else, you could pretend to have a club meeting, or to be hanging out with a friend. You might even sneak out of the house at night.- If you live in a city, you could meet almost anywhere: a big city park, a free museum, a scenic hill, or a little cafe in your favorite neighborhood. The same goes for the suburbs, although it might be harder to get around if you and your boyfriend don't have your own cars.
- If you live in a rural area, you might need to meet up outdoors. Don't hang out with your boyfriend in the park across the street from your house, or the local supermarket, or anywhere that your parents or their friends might run into you.
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Consider going out in groups. When you go out with your boyfriend, your parents will probably want to know where you are. It may be best to bring a friend or two with you when you go out. That way, when they call you, you can just say "Oh, I'm with Amy," and then put Amy on the phone with them to verify that indeed, you are with her and not your boyfriend! -
Say you're sleeping over at a friend's house. This is a classic move, but you'll need to be very careful about your story to pull off. The basic idea: if you want to meet up with your boyfriend after hours or even stay over at his house, tell your parents that you are sleeping over at a friend's house. If your parents insist on meeting your friends, then you should use a good friend (who your parents have met) to corroborate your story.- Tell your friend about your plan. If possible if you are completely certain that you can trust your friend's parents have your friend's parents agree to pretend that you're sleeping over. It helps if you name a friend whose house you've slept over at many times before.
- If your parents are suspicious, they might call your friend's parents to check out your story. Consider whether this is likely to happen. If so, then you may not want to risk it.
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Be very careful about inviting your boyfriend over to your house. Understand the risks: if you bring your boyfriend into your parents' space, then you are giving them a huge opportunity to find out about him. Wait for a time when they aren't home, a whole weekend is even better.- If you sneak your boyfriend into your house while your parents are home, make sure that he has a secret way to enter and escape. Try to bring him in once your parents are asleep, and be extremely quiet so that they don't suspect anything.
- Keep the noise level down so you can listen for your parents voices or footsteps in case they're walking toward your room. Be prepared to hide him under the bed or in a closet at a moment's notice, or have him leave through the window if possible!
- Don't leave any evidence that your boyfriend was there. Your parents will get suspicious if they see a men's comb or a men's jacket. If he gives you a gift (a note, a photo, a bouquet of flowers) don't leave it out in the open!
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Normalize having guy friends over. Have girl friends over, too. Emphasize to your parents that these boys are just friends. The more regular and neutral these visits, the better to warm your parents up to the idea of external male figures in your life. -
Tell them he's just a friend. As weird as it may sound, band your boyfriend with the rest at first. If you've played it cool enough, your parents won't suspect a thing. -
Make him familiar to your parents as a friend. After a while, your parents will probably loosen up and become used to having him around. This way when (and if) you choose to introduce him to them as your boyfriend, they won't be as disapproving. They will know him and have seen you interact, and they will know that it is a healthy relationship.- Never close the door to your room. That just calls for your parents to get suspicious. Have a very open and casual "friendship" with him in front of your family so that they are not uncomfortable or second-guessing anything.
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Consider when and whether it's time to tell your parents. Once they are friendly with him and are used to having him around, you may choose to tell them about him or continue with how you're going. Whether they like him or not generally plays a large role in that. [3] X Research source
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Think about why you haven't told them. Try to understand the underlying communication issues between you and your parents. Perhaps you don't want to tell your parents that you're dating someone of the same gender, or someone from a different ethnic or religious background, or someone significantly older than you. Maybe your parents have forbidden you from having a boyfriend, period. Give yourself a clear picture of the situation so that you can decide how to move forward.- The longer you date this guy, the more likely your parents will be to find out. Your life will be much easier if you don't have to sneak around.
- Consider whether your parents would be okay with it. Perhaps you're projecting your own worries onto them. If you aren't sure, ask a trustworthy sibling or relative for advice.
- If you think that it is just too soon to tell your parents about your new relationship, simply wait until you feel comfortable to share it with them.
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Prove the stability of your relationship. Your parents might be suspicious of any new guy who comes into your life, but this may just be because they care. Don't tell your parents the moment that you start dating this guy. Give it at least a few weeks (or months) before you break the news.- Three months is usually a good period to get to know your boyfriend's positives and negatives, and to figure out whether it is serious, or whether you won't need to introduce him to your parents at all.
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Introduce your boyfriend as a friend, first. If your parents learn to trust him, they may be less hesitant to say "no". Consider that your parents may have forbidden you from dating based on the abstract idea of a boyfriend a new and potentially-threatening male presence in your life, but that they might be a bit more lenient if the male presence is a friendly face.- This can be a great way to "hide" your boyfriend in plain sight. You will need to be especially careful, however, not to let your parents interacting with him in a romantic way. Try to bring him around in groups, and don't be too affectionate.
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Make sure that it's safe for you to tell them. Weigh the consequences of such a conversation. If your parents wouldn't react well (would disown you, forbid you from seeing your boyfriend, etc.), then it may be safer to wait. If you don't feel comfortable telling your parents, consider asking a teacher, a relative, or a community member to sit in as a moderator.
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References
- ↑ https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/408776/jewish/Parents-Dont-Approve.htm
- ↑ http://love.allwomenstalk.com/things-to-do-if-your-parents-dont-approve-of-your-relationship
- ↑ https://www.enotalone.com/topic/153580-in-need-of-a-parents-opinion-ive-been-hiding-a-boyfriend-for-10-months/
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Reader Success Stories
- "It really helped a lot in considering the consequences of going to a friend's house. Now they trust my friend's parents, and don't ask many questions concerning what work are we going to do at my friend's house. Thanks a lot!" ..." more
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"It really helped a lot in considering the consequences of going to a friend's house. Now they trust my friend's parents, and don't ask many questions concerning what work are we going to do at my friend's house. Thanks a lot!"
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"The part that helped the most was when it said to introduce him as a friend first. Now they trust him!"
"It mostly comforts me knowing there are 100,074 people who have the same problem."
"Thanks a lot! I needed help with this, and now I know. No problem now. Thank you."
"I thought that the part about telling your parents had really useful tips."
