How to Tell if Your Husband Is Gay

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Plus, how to talk to your husband about his sexuality
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Sexuality is complex, and there are a lot of people out there who don’t realize their sexuality is more fluid than they think until later in life. If you suspect your husband might be harboring romantic feelings for men, you are probably feeling understandably anxious and concerned. In this article, we’ll help you break down the signs he might be hiding or suppressing his sexuality, offer some guidance on how to discuss it with him, and cover a few potential next steps in the event that he actually is gay.

How to Tell if Your Husband Is Gay

Men who are closeted may be less interested in sex with their spouse, feel the need to behave in a stereotypically “manly” way, and discreetly check other men out. They may also watch gay porn and go out of their way to befriend attractive men.

Section 1 of 3:

Signs Your Husband Is Gay

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  1. This isn’t necessarily a surefire way to tell if your husband is gay or not, but it is a big factor. The average married couple has sex around once a week, although this often drops to once or twice a month over time. [1] If your husband never seemed to be all that into sex, it could indicate he’s not necessarily attracted to women . [2]
    • An occasional dry spell (a few weeks or a month) where your husband isn’t all that into sex is 100% normal. If it’s more than a periodic drop, though, it could mean more.
    • If he’s closeted, he may suggest you're being hypersexual or aggressive when it comes to sex.
    • Sex with a closeted guy is very likely to be somewhat mechanical and passionless. It won’t feel right.
    • Remember, some guys just aren’t all that into sex. If he has never really been a very sexually-motivated person, he may be asexual , not gay. In fact, maybe he just has a low sex drive and it’s totally unrelated to his sexual orientation.
  2. This actually isn’t a slam dunk sign, believe it or not. It’s surprisingly common for straight and bisexual men to watch gay porn sometimes (1 in 5 straight guys occasionally watch gay porn). [3] That said, a man who regularly watches gay porn (or can’t orgasm without it) is more likely to be queer.
    • Just as an aside, porn consumption is a really good reminder that human sexuality isn’t super rigid. Studies have proven that not only do 21% of straight men watch gay porn, but 55% of gay men watch straight porn. [4]
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  3. Straight guys may turn their heads to get a closer look at a guy wearing an interesting outfit or doing something odd, but if you catch your man staring longingly at other men with no rhyme or reason, he may be checking them out. [5]
    • When you catch your husband checking a guy out, ask him gently, “Honey, what are you looking at?” If your question flusters him and he has no good explanation, he may be fighting an attraction to them.
    • This is especially likely to be a meaningful sign if he never checks women out, but you occasionally catch him looking at guys.
  4. Generally speaking, straight men don’t particularly care what their straight male friends look like. If your husband seems to go out of his way to try and be friends with attractive, fit, or younger guys, but he readily ignores other guys who seem like they’d have more in common, it may suggest he’s gay. [6]
    • You could try asking your husband why he likes hanging out with certain friends if he seems to be uniquely interested in hanging out with particular guys.
  5. Guys aren’t known for being the best when it comes time for rose-lit dinners, deep romantic stares, and surprise flowers for “no reason,” but he should make an effort to connect and be passionate every now and then. If he always seems like he’s keeping you at arm’s length or there’s something else on his mind, it could be a sign he’s fighting internal feelings all the time. [7]
    • This isn’t a good piece of evidence if it’s the only thing you’ve noticed from this list of signs, but it can be another piece of the puzzle if there are other signals he might be closeted.
  6. Straight men normally don’t have very strong opinions about gay people—they’re secure enough in their own sexuality that they don’t need to put other people down for no reason. If your husband has strong, negative feelings about gay men, it’s a potential major sign that he could be battling his own insecurities. [8]
    • There’s actually some great research that suggests internalized gay desires are closely correlated with homophobia. [9] This kind of behavior is called projection, and it’s extremely common.
    • Homophobia is especially likely to be a sign he’s gay if he knows any gay men in real life. It’s a lot easier to hold bigoted beliefs if you don’t have any exposure to other people, so it says a lot if he knows queer people and he’s still homophobic. [10]
  7. This doesn’t mean anything on its own, but it could be a core part of what’s keeping him from being honest about who he is. If his parents (or extended family) are very traditional, deeply religious, or socially conservative, it could make it even harder for him to admit deep down that he’s attracted to men. [11]
    • A lot of gay men have trouble coming out to others. That’s totally normal. Most gay men don’t go out of their way to marry a woman, though—that indicates he has deeper, stronger unresolved issues regarding his sexuality.
  8. Most secure straight guys have no big reaction to gay people, either in public or when they encounter them in the media. If a man gets upset when a gay person accidentally brushes against him, refuses to hug a gay acquaintance (or even shake their hand), or makes disparaging remarks or an excuse to leave the room when gay men are on TV (think Brokeback Mountain ), it’s a sign he may be harboring feelings for men that he’s trying to avoid. [12]
    • The reverse could also be a sign. If he’s super touchy-feely around gay friends and he’s always hugging or grabbing them when he’s normally not very physically affectionate towards you or other people, it could mean he’s into them.
  9. Most straight men don’t perfectly fit the “straight guy” stereotype. Even if he drives a pickup and hates musicals, maybe he loves going dancing and can’t stand football. But if your husband fits every stereotype of a red-blooded straight guy, it’s very possible that he’s putting on a performance and is secretly hiding something about his sexuality. [13]
    • Most straight guys are secure enough in who they are to admit they enjoy Sex and the City , Nicholas Sparks novels, or Taylor Swift. They don’t need to convince anyone they’re a big, burly manly man because they know who they are.
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Section 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Husband about His Sexuality

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  1. Gay men face a lot of bigotry in today’s world, and if your husband has been hiding who he is, he’s almost certainly ashamed and scared of people finding out. Make it extremely clear that you’re not here to judge, hate, or criticize. Even if this conversation doesn’t end up being the conversation, letting him know you’re coming from a loving place will plant the seed that you’re safe to talk to. [14]
    • “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you about something I’ve noticed, and I’d like to ask you about your sexuality. No judgment or anything, but I do have questions if it’s okay?”
    • “Can we chat about something that might be a little scary or sound strange? I just want to check in to see if there’s something you maybe want to tell me about yourself?”
    • “You know I trust and love you, and I’d never think less of you if you were keeping something to yourself just because it scares you, right?”
  2. If you come right out and ask him about being gay, he might immediately shut down. Maybe he’ll think you’re going to leave him or that your relationship is ending. Maybe he just isn’t ready to go so far as to call himself “gay.” Give him a little bit of wiggle room by asking if he’s bisexual (or pansexual, or questioning his sexuality in general). [15]
    • “Is it possible you're questioning your sexuality? It’s totally okay if you are, but I do feel like maybe you’re holding that back from me.”
    • “Are you into guys and girls? I used to have a thing for a female friend in college, so no judgment either way. I’m just curious.”
    • “Do you have sexual feelings for certain guys? It’s no big deal if you’re bisexual, I just don’t like feeling like you might be holding something back that you don’t need to hide from me.”
  3. It’s very likely that if your husband is queer, his reaction to your loving questions will cause a bit of a pause. If you see him hesitating or thinking, remind him that you love him and that you just want to him to be happy. [16]
    • “Again, it’s totally okay if you are queer. Even if you don’t know what you are, it’s 100% alright, I just want to be there for you.”
    • “You know I’d love you no matter what, right?”
    • “Sexuality is complicated, and it’s totally okay if you’re still learning something about yourself.”
  4. Even if he is gay or bisexual, he may just not be comfortable letting you know right now. The important part is that he knows you’re a safe person to talk to in the future. However, if he’s really adamant and convinced that he’s straight, he probably is. You know your husband better than we do, so you know what it looks like when he’s telling the truth. [17]
    • If he insists he isn’t gay and you’re still not sure, give him the benefit of the doubt for now and believe him.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do if Your Husband Is Gay

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  1. It’s probably going to be alarming to learn that your husband is also into men, but try and remember that this doesn’t mean anything about his love for you. Bisexual people love their spouses just as much as heterosexual people do, so take him at his word if you can. [18]
  2. You may need some time by yourself to investigate how you feel, let off some steam, or just recollect yourself. Just remember it’s not your fault he’s not straight. It’s nobody’s fault, really. Don’t interpret any of this as a sign you’ve done anything wrong or that you aren’t worthy of love and affection.
    • Your feelings are 100% valid. It’s okay to be shocked, angry, or confused. This can feel like your husband was lying to you, so if you need time to collect yourself and process how you feel , that’s okay.
    • If you’re worried about your husband not loving you or finding you attractive, try to remember that you find people other than your husband attractive, right? That doesn’t mean you aren’t into him. It’s the same with your husband. Even if he does find some guys attractive, it doesn’t mean he isn’t into you.
  3. If your husband admits to being attracted to a specific guy but insists he’s straight, believe him. Studies suggest over 60% of straight women have had a crush on another woman. [19] This is considered socially acceptable and normal, but for men there are a lot of social pressures and stigmas surrounding same-sex attraction. It’s extremely common for straight guys to develop a crush on another man, and that doesn’t make them gay. [20]
    • A lot of people think sexuality is a black-and-white thing. The reality is that most people are probably a lot more “flexible” than even they realize. Society has conditioned you to believe there are straight men, gay men, and bi men in between. But it’s totally possible for a straight guy to have a once-in-a-blue-moon same-sex crush—it doesn’t mean he isn’t primarily straight.
    • If there has potentially been some infidelity with your husband’s crush, see a doctor to get tested for STDs, just to be safe.
  4. In the event that your husband does reveal he’s gay and he’s not actually interested in women, it can be a lot to process. Don’t rush anything. Try to remember that your husband didn’t do this on purpose to hurt you. Take a step back, remember that you and your husband have still been through a lot together, and give it time before you two decide what to do next. [21]
    • Maybe your marriage isn’t over. Maybe what marriage looks like for you and your husband is a lot different than what it looks like for stereotypical straight couples. Love can be a flexible, complicated thing, so don’t write off your relationship if you want to make it work.
    • Counseling can radically help you two sort out your feelings and develop a plan for the future.
    • If you do end up getting divorced or separating, that’s okay—even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. A lot of marriages end and this isn’t the end of your romantic life.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/physical-intimacy/how-often-do-married-couples-have-sex/
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201608/how-couples-deal-with-the-loss-of-physical-attraction
      3. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27709363/
      4. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27709363/
      5. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna19056588
      6. ↑ https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna19056588
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/romance/my-husband-is-not-affectionate-or-romantic/
      8. ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0021-843X.105.3.440
      9. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/homophobes-might-be-hidden-homosexuals/
      1. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23019142/
      2. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/homophobes-might-be-hidden-homosexuals/
      3. ↑ https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/assault/roots/overview.html
      4. ↑ https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/confessions-of-a-closeted-bourgeois-boy/
      5. ↑ https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/04/dear-prudence-im-bisexual-but-happily-married-to-my-husband-what-can-i-do.html
      6. ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-helping-my-husband-discover-hes-gay-helped-me-let-go/
      7. ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-helping-my-husband-discover-hes-gay-helped-me-let-go/
      8. ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-helping-my-husband-discover-hes-gay-helped-me-let-go/
      9. ↑ https://slate.com/advice/2024/05/new-husband-bachelor-party-strip-clubs-sex-advice.html
      10. ↑ https://scholarworks.boisestate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1018&context=psych_facpubs
      11. ↑ https://www.vice.com/en/article/straight-guy-but-fantasise-about-male-friend-advice/
      12. ↑ https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/how-helping-my-husband-discover-hes-gay-helped-me-let-go/

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