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Questions to ask yourself if you think you might be asexual
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It’s normal to have some questions when it comes to figuring out your sexual identity. And if you’re not sexually attracted to others or interested in sex, it’s natural to wonder if you might be asexual (or “ace” for short). Asexuality is just one of the many sexual identities that exist on a broad spectrum, and there’s a lot to explore and discover about asexuality. We’re here to walk you through what it means to be asexual and lay out some common traits that asexual people normally share. By the end of this article, hopefully, you’ll have a better understanding of yourself and your preferences.
How do you know if you’re asexual?
Not feeling sexually attracted to others or aroused by sexually suggestive content are common signs you might be asexual. If you have sex but don’t particularly enjoy it, this may be another sign. It’s important to note that you may still feel romantic attraction toward others, even if you don’t feel sexual attraction.
Steps
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You rarely think about sex. Think about how often you think about sex and for how long. If you’re asexual, you might find that sex doesn’t really interest you. [1] X Research source For aces, it’s completely possible to go days, weeks, or even years without thinking about sex.- For example, you might not be able to remember the last time you had a sexual thought. Similarly, you may realize that you occasionally think about sex when people bring it up, but it quickly leaves your mind.
- It’s still possible to be asexual even if you do think about sex a lot. Similarly, asexual people can definitely have a “dirty” mind even if they don't experience sexual attraction.
- Take wikiHow’s “Am I Asexual” quiz to get a general idea of how you might identify.
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You get bored when other people talk about sex. It’s common for people to talk about sex on TV or on social media, and you might have friends who talk about sex. Think about how you feel when these topics come up. If you’re asexual, you might notice the following: [2] X Research source- You get bored when people talk about their crush, their sexual desires, or their sexual experiences.
- Your mind wanders when people talk about sex.
- You have trouble understanding what it means when someone calls someone else “hot.”
- You just pretend to be interested in sex to fit in.
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Sexually suggestive material doesn’t appeal to you. This includes things like sexy pictures, sex scenes in movies, and porn. Do you find yourself not being very interested in looking at or watching this type of content? You may be asexual if you don’t find this kind of content stimulating and don’t understand why people do. [3] X Research source- For instance, you might not understand why people like porn. You may find it boring or gross instead of arousing.
- You may feel bored or uncomfortable during sex scenes in movies.
- You may not get aroused when you see someone in revealing clothing.
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You didn’t particularly enjoy past sexual experiences. You can still be asexual even if you’ve had sex before. In this case, think about how you felt about your sexual experience, why you did it, and if you’d do it again. For instance, you might be asexual if any of the following apply: [4] X Research source- You felt like you were supposed to have sex or that you’d like it if you tried it.
- You’ve never wanted to initiate sex.
- You had sex and realized you didn’t enjoy it.
- Sex feels weird to you instead of fun.
- You felt like you were just going through the motions.
- You find most other activities to be more fun than sex.
- It’s possible to be an asexual who is sex-favorable. In this case, you might enjoy sex and the pleasure that comes from it, but you might still not feel any sexual attraction toward others. [5] X Research source
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You’d rather masturbate than actually have sex. You can be asexual and still enjoy masturbation. You might get sexually aroused but not necessarily be sexually attracted to other people. It’s normal to feel this way. If you enjoy masturbation but think you might be asexual, consider if you may just enjoy taking care of your own sexual needs. [6] X Research sourceTip: Masturbation can be a confusing topic when it comes to asexuality. You may still enjoy masturbating even though you’re asexual. On the other hand, you might not want to do it. You can feel either way and still be asexual.
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Talk to your doctor about medical issues impacting your sex life. While asexuality is a normal, healthy sexual orientation, some mental and physical disorders can cause low libido or disinterest in sex. Visit your doctor if you’re concerned that your feelings toward sex are related to an underlying condition rather than your sexuality. Some conditions that may impact your sex drive include: [7] X Research source- Body dysmorphia : This is when you’re consumed by negative thoughts about your body or perceived flaws. If you have body dysmorphia, it may be hard for you to imagine or feel confident about having sex with someone.
- Sexual dysfunction disorders : These cover a wide range of symptoms. Some disorders that fall under this category include desire disorders, arousal disorders, orgasm disorders, and pain disorders. [8] X Trustworthy Source Cleveland Clinic Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals Go to source
- Complex PTSD : This is a trauma response that may cause you to withdraw and have no desire for sexual relationships. With therapy, your sexual feelings may return.
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Recognize the difference between romantic orientation and sexual orientation. It’s possible to feel romantic attraction but not sexual attraction, and vice versa. In other words, you can be asexual and still feel romantic attraction towards someone. Even if you don’t want to have sex with someone, you may still enjoy things like holding hands, cuddling, talking, sharing meals, and even kissing. [9] X Research source- You may also be aromantic , which means you don’t feel romantic attraction toward others. Instead, you may feel perfectly content with platonic and familial relationships. [10] X Research source
- Someone who is asexual might also be panromantic, meaning they feel romantic attraction towards anyone regardless of their gender.
- Asexual individuals still express affection and care for other people. They're just not interested in expressing this in a sexual way.
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Notice the differences between aesthetic, sensual, and sexual attraction. There are different types of attraction, and sometimes that can be confusing. Aesthetic attraction is when you think someone looks good but don’t necessarily feel sexually interested in them. Sensual attraction is when you want to cuddle, kiss, or be close to someone but, again, not in a sexual way. Sexual attraction happens when you have the desire to have sexual contact with someone. [11] X Research source- It’s possible to feel aesthetically or sensually attracted to someone, but not sexually attracted.
- If you’re aesthetically attracted to someone, you might think, “Her face is so beautiful.” However, you have no desire to be intimate.
- With sensual attraction, you might think, “This person is attractive and fun to be around. I want to cuddle and hold hands with them.”
- In the case of sexual attraction, you may be able to easily picture yourself having sex with the other person.
Tip: It’s normal to have a sexual desire for someone and not act on it. This alone doesn’t mean you’re asexual.
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Watch for signs that you may be gray-asexual or demisexual. Both gray-asexuality (graysexuality) and demisexuality are part of the asexual spectrum. You may be gray-asexual if you have some sexual interest or occasionally feel sexually attracted to someone. Similarly, you might be demisexual if you feel sexual attraction to someone only after you’ve developed a deep emotional connection with them. If you’re conflicted about whether or not you may be asexual, consider if these other labels might better reflect your sexual identity.- To figure out if you’re gray-asexual, think about times you’ve been attracted to someone or gotten aroused by something sexual. This could be a sign that you fit better under the term “graysexual.”
- If you suspect you may be demisexual, consider if you’ve only been sexually attracted to someone you love or deeply like. For instance, you might develop sexual feelings for someone you’ve dated for a long time but not be sexually attracted to anyone else.
- Take this wikiHow quiz to get an idea of whether you may be demisexual.
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Accept that your asexual identity is completely normal. While people may not understand asexuality, it’s a completely valid sexual identity that’s a part of who you are. Don’t worry about trying to change yourself. Instead, embrace your asexuality as a part of what makes you a unique, interesting person, and be confident in who you are. [12] X Research source- There’s nothing wrong or bad about being disinterested in sex.
- It’s okay to question your sexual identity and be uncertain about how you feel. Take as much time as you need to understand yourself.
- You’re not obligated to fulfill someone else’s stereotype or desires. You don’t need to have sex to prove something or make someone else happy.
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Recognize that every asexual person is unique. You may relate to some traits of asexuality but not others and still consider yourself to be asexual. Asexuality is a spectrum, so you may think differently about sex than others. There are a couple of different attitudes asexuals can have when it comes to sex. [13] X Research source- Sex-favorable : You’re willing to compromise with your partner about sex, and you may feel happy just by giving pleasure rather than receiving it.
- Sex-indifferent : You might not enjoy sex that much, but it doesn’t stress you out to think about it. To you, sex might just be more like something to cross off your to-do list rather than something you actually take pleasure in.
- Sex-averse/sex-repulsed : You might become rather distressed when you think about having sex, and you may not be willing to compromise with your partner at all about doing sexual things.
- You might have different opinions when it comes to sex as a societal concept versus your personal sexual experiences.
- For example, you might have no problem with the idea of other people having sex, but you might feel uncomfortable when it comes to thinking about yourself engaging in sexual activities.
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Join a support network if you want help understanding your identity. Learning more about asexuality can help you better understand yourself and the questions you have. Plus, it can empower you to share your identity with your friends, family, and partner. Look for a support group online or in your community to connect with others who share your sexual identity.- For instance, join the Asexuality Visibility & Education Network (AVEN).
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Take as much time as you need to determine your sexual identity. While some people instinctively know their sexual identity, it’s normal to go through a period of questioning and discovery. This can last as long as you need to figure out your preferences. Don’t rush to label your identity or feel pressured to explain yourself. Continue researching and learning about yourself and how you feel. You’ll figure out your sexual identity when you’re ready. [14] X Research source- It’s okay to experiment with sex to find out if you like it, but don’t feel pressured to do it. Take your time and only do what feels comfortable to you.
- Don’t feel pressured to come out about your sexuality before you’re ready. However, if you feel comfortable telling a few trusted friends or family members, it might help to have them there for support.
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Tips
- There is no one singular definition of what it means to be asexual. Asexuality exists on a spectrum, so everyone’s experiences and feelings vary greatly.Thanks
- It’s up to you if you want to come out to your family or your community. Don’t feel pressured to share your identity if you aren’t ready.Thanks
- You might sometimes be curious about sex, and that’s okay. Let yourself pursue that curiosity in a way that feels comfortable to you.Thanks
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Warnings
- If anyone threatens or hurts you because of your identification, report them to the authorities immediately. No one has the right to hurt or intimidate you based on your sexuality.Thanks
- People may not understand your asexuality, and it may be frustrating to deal with their questions and comments. Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself or change for others.Thanks
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References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201406/asexuality
- ↑ https://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-3/
- ↑ https://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-1-about-you/
- ↑ https://www.asexualityarchive.com/possible-signs-of-asexuality-part-2-about-sex/
- ↑ https://taaap.org/learn/attitudes-toward-romance-or-sex/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201406/asexuality
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201609/asexuality-is-sexual-orientation-not-sexual-dysfunction
- ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9121-sexual-dysfunction
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201406/asexuality
- ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/understanding-asexuality/
- ↑ https://www.aromanticism.org/en/attraction-relationship-terms
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/magnetic-partners/201406/asexuality
- ↑ https://www.asexuality.org/?q=attitudes.html
- ↑ https://www.whatisasexuality.com/am-i-ace/teen/
About This Article
Article Summary
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While every asexual person is different, there are some patterns that may help guide you as you figure out if you’re asexual. For example, you might not think about sex very much or even understand the appeal of it. Additionally, it may be hard for you to understand why some people are considered “hot” or why someone would want to have sex with another person. If you’ve had sexual experiences, consider if you felt let down, thought it was more weird than exciting, or would rather have been doing something else, all of which could indicate that you’re asexual. To learn how to tell the difference between sexual orientation and romantic orientation, keep reading!
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