When Should You End a Long Term Relationship?

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Telltale signs that it’s time to call it quits
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It can be hard to know whether you should break up with a long-term partner. While it can feel drastic to end the relationship, some problems just can’t be fixed. You might know it’s time to end the relationship if the two of you no longer respect, love, or care about one another. However, there may be subtler signs, like if the two of you are drifting apart even when you’re together, or if things have gone cold in the bedroom. If you’re confused about what to do, you’ve come to the right place. Read on for a list of signs that it might be time to break up, including expert insights from mental health professionals Laura Richer and Moshe Ratson.

When to End a Long Relationship

If you and your partner aren’t able to communicate effectively with each other, have lost respect for each other, and struggle to compromise, it might be time to break up. Other signs to look out for include diverging interests, a stale sex life, and an inability to meet each other’s emotional needs.

1

You can’t communicate with each other.

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    “A lot of issues that couples have in their relationships are due to ineffective communication or not feeling heard by their partner,” explains Richer. [1] If your conversations constantly devolve into arguments, or if you’ve tried to work on communication before but it didn’t help, this could be a sign that you two aren’t right for each other. [2]
    • Remember, loving partners should be able to solve disagreements respectfully. “Any type of physical, mental, or emotional abuse should never be tolerated,” says Richer.
    • If any of these abusive elements are present in your communication style with each other, she recommends ending things. [3]
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2

You no longer respect each other.

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    Richer explains that, if you and your partner don't respect each other , it may be time to go your separate ways. [4] A lack of respect likely makes it hard for you to talk openly with each other, meet each other’s needs, and support each other’s hobbies or career choices. All of these things have a negative impact on your relationship. [5] And when respect is lost, it’s very hard to regain it and get the relationship back on track.
    • If you respect your partner but they don’t respect you, that may be a sign of an abusive or unhealthy relationship dynamic. [6] If that’s the case, it’s probably time to end things.
3

You can’t seem to compromise on anything.

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    If you or your partner are stubborn and set in your own ways, and you’re not willing to see things from the other person’s point of view, it may be time to part ways. When you’re stuck in this kind of dynamic, little things turn into fights, and you might find yourself getting really worked up over something that’s not that big of a deal. This isn’t healthy for either of you in the long run. [7]
    • Similarly, if you’re always the one compromising but your partner gets whatever they want, this indicates an imbalance in the relationship, which isn’t healthy. [8]
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4

Your needs aren’t being met.

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    If you feel like the relationship isn't balanced, or like you’re not being valued by your partner, Richer says that it might be time to end things. [9] This is especially true if you’ve noticed this behavior for a while and mentioned it on more than one occasion, but they still haven’t made an effort to change things. [10]
    • If you've brought up your needs to your partner and they consistently take this as a personal attack, this is another red flag.
    • It shows that they are unwilling to see things from your point of view, and that they don't want to change their behavior.
5

You’re not in love anymore.

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    Love looks a little different for everyone, but if you’re honest with yourself, you can usually tell when you don't have any warm or tender feelings left for your partner. More than this, if you’re fantasizing about other people or even falling for others outside of your relationship, this could be a sign that you need to end things. [11]
    • You might also compare your partner to other people or make your partner less of a priority in your life.
    • If you catch yourself having these types of thoughts or acting this way, it may be an indication that you’ve mentally checked out of the relationship.
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6

Your partner hid things from you initially.

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    If you’ve been together for a while and your partner suddenly reveals something huge, that’s a red flag. Things like large debts, children from previous relationships, diseases, or a previous marriage might be deal breakers, and your partner could have been keeping them from you until they knew it was too late to break up. [12] If something like this suddenly comes to light and you just don’t feel the same way about your relationship anymore, it may be time to end it.
    • Remember that it’s okay to have deal breakers, even in long term relationships. If your partner reveals something to you that you aren't comfortable with, you’re allowed to end things no matter how long you’ve been together.
7

Your interests are diverging.

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    While it’s totally fine (and healthy) to do things on your own, you and your partner should be able to spend some time doing things you both enjoy. If you’re connecting less and less over shared interests, you may be growing apart from each other. [13]
    • People tend to change over long term relationships, which is totally fine. However, if your partner changes completely and you no longer have anything in common, you aren’t obligated to stay with them.
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8

Your sex life is boring.

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    However, if a stale period is super long lasting, and you haven't been able to rekindle the flame , this could be a sign that the relationship is coming to an end. Similarly, if you or your partner have different sexual needs that the other person can’t fulfill, you might not be compatible in the long run. [14]
    • If your sex life is getting stale and you haven’t tried mixing things up yet, it’s worth chatting with your partner about things you could both do differently.
    • Mixing things up in the bedroom might look like introducing new toys, trying new positions, or simply dressing up occasionally.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 776 wikiHow readers, and 65% of them agreed that the most relatable sign that their relationship isn’t in a good place is there's little to no physical or emotional intimacy . [Take Poll]
9

You feel more like a parent than a partner.

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    Parenting your partner might look like cleaning up after them, making them appointments, reminding them about events, and generally taking care of the responsibilities in their life. While it’s fine to do that sometimes, you shouldn’t be expected to do all of that all the time. If this is your situation, it may be time to have a discussion with them about it, and if you’ve already expressed how you feel and nothing’s changed, it could be time to leave. [15]
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10

You don’t miss your partner when they’re not around.

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    While it’s normal to want and need some alone time, you probably shouldn’t celebrate every time your partner leaves the house. If the first thing that comes to mind when your partner isn’t around is “thank goodness,” it could be time to let the relationship go. [16]
    • You don’t have to miss your partner all the time, but it’s normal to feel a little sad if they go away for the weekend or out of town for a while.
11

You can’t envision a future with your partner.

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    Is your partner in it? Can you picture the two of you cohabiting or happily married? If you want kids, do you see them being a good co-parent, or do you think you’d be stuck with the brunt of the responsibilities? If you can longer imagine growing with your partner and enjoying a future together, it could be a sign that your relationship needs to end. [17]
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12

You’ve tried to fix the relationship before, and it didn’t work.

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    If you and your partner have tried to take steps to fix your relationship , but it feels like nothing has helped, this may be a sign that it’s time to end things. [18]
    • “I recommend doing a cost-benefit analysis,” says Ratson. You may find that you’re staying in the relationship out of fear or obligation, even though it doesn’t make you happy anymore, he explains. [19]
    • If you can’t think of very many good things about the relationship, but you can think of a lot of downsides, it’s probably time to let the relationship go.

Examples of What to say to End a Long Term Relationship

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    Is it OK to end a long-term relationship?
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Laura Richer is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and the Founder of Anchor Light Therapy Collective, a multi-disciplinary mental health counseling clinic in Seattle, Washington. With more than ten years of experience in the mental health sector, she specializes in working with couples and individuals and supporting them in becoming empowered to direct their destiny. Laura holds a BA in English from Western Washington University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She also received her Hypnotherapy Practitioner Training from Bastyr University, Couples Counseling Certification from The Gottman Institute, and Master Life Coach Certification from Seattle Life Coach Training. Laura is the host of the podcast Holding Ground which explores anything and everything in the world of mental health and positive psychology.
    Laura Richer
    Licensed Mental Health Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Absolutely! It's always okay to end a relationship, especially if you feel disrespected and unvalued.
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      References

      1. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      2. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/conflict-resolution/
      3. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      4. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      5. ↑ https://youth.gov/youth-topics/teen-dating-violence/characteristics
      6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201106/how-much-should-you-compromise-your-relationship
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      9. ↑ Laura Richer. Licensed Mental Health Counselor. Expert Interview. 24 September 2021.
      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      2. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-know-when-its-time-to-break-up/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202101/10-subtle-signs-falling-out-love-someone
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201405/when-its-time-let-relationship-go
      6. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a19150853/how-women-realised-partner-wasnt-right-for-them/
      7. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/how-to-know-when-its-time-to-break-up/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/202012/20-signs-that-a-relationship-is-over
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/202101/10-subtle-signs-falling-out-love-someone
      10. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 7 August 2019
      11. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/how-to-break-up-with-someone
      12. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/how-should-i-end-relationship
      13. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/relationships/healthy-relationships/how-should-i-end-relationship

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