How to Have a Happy Life Without Any Family

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Discover ways to overcome a lack of family support in your life
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If you feel like you have no family (or no supportive family), that lonely feeling can be overwhelming—on the bright side, other people have been in your shoes and discovered the tools to create joyful, satisfactory lives for themselves. We’ll help you explore and use those tools to enrich your life and build a new support system for yourself. We’ve got your back, and so do the psychology experts Ira Israel and Lena Dicken, whom we interviewed to help us with this article. With their advice, we hope to provide you with a complete guide to building a good life without a good family.

How to Live a Good Life When You Have No Family

  1. Take time to process your feelings and grieve.
  2. Practice self-care for your mental and emotional health.
  3. Try new hobbies and activities that give you confidence.
  4. Build a supportive social circle of new or old friends.
  5. Expand your definition of family to include found family.
Section 1 of 4:

How to Be Happy Without Having a Good Family

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    Feeling lonely, sad, and even angry toward your family situation can stir up a lot of negative emotions. That’s okay and even healthy, but it’s important to acknowledge those thoughts and feelings so you can (eventually) reframe them into something more positive. Take some time to wallow if you need to—Dicken mentions that although “there’s a lot of fear around feeling those difficult feelings like grief and sadness…it can be highly beneficial…to take that time to grieve and heal.” [1]
    • Once you’re ready to process your feelings , make a neutral statement about your family situation, like “I don’t feel like I have a good family.” Then, ask yourself what this means about you, such as “I’m alone” or “I’m unsupported.”
    • Interrogate this previous statement and expand on it if possible, e.g., “Being alone means no one wants to be a part of my life.” Continue this process until you reach the core feeling behind your statements, like “I’m unlovable” or “I’m a bad person.”
    • Uncovering these negative core beliefs can be really emotionally draining, so take your time, be patient, and look after your emotional health as you go through this process. Remember that these core beliefs often come from negative childhood experiences, but that doesn’t mean that they’re true.
    • Once you’ve found your negative core belief, reframe it as a healthier statement. For instance, “I’m unlovable” might become “I’m beginning to reflect on my struggles to connect with my family and my feelings about their actions and behaviors.” Keep this statement in mind for when negative thoughts creep back in.
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    Feeling like you have no real family can actually affect your mental and physical health since it can cause feelings of stress and pain. Take the time to look after your physical, mental, and emotional health—and pamper yourself! Try to get at least 7 hours of sleep per night, indulge in a sweet treat from time to time, take a bath after a long day, and light aromatic candles around your home. [2]
    • Sit outside in nature whenever you can, and do some form of joyful movement (like dancing or yoga) at least a few times a week.
    • Repeat positive mantras when you wake up each morning, like “Today is going to be a good day” or “You will do great today.” Journaling these affirmations or posting them on your mirror can also be helpful if you don’t like repeating them aloud.
    • Learn to meditate and practice mindful breathing exercises to help relax your body and mind.
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    Family doesn’t have to be blood, so if you don’t feel like your biological family has your best interests at heart, it may be time to look at other types of close relationships that will make you feel supported and loved. Take some time to consider in what ways you’d like to connect with others and what socialization needs you have.
    • Ask yourself questions like, “what kind of behaviors make me feel loved and cared for?,” “when do I feel the most socially fulfilled?,” and “what kinds of relationships do I want to have in my life?”
    • Once you’ve taken the time to consider your social and relational needs, set out to intentionally cultivate relationships like reconnecting with a former friend, participating in a class, or joining an online forum.
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    If you’re in school, join a few clubs and extracurricular activities to spend some positive time away from home. If you’re out of school, look online for groups of people in your area who get together to pursue common interests or hobbies, like a book club or intramural sports team. Or take a class to learn something new, like a yoga class or community college course. [3]
    • If you’re religious, look for a group organized by your local church, mosque, synagogue, or temple.
    • Learning new skills and hobbies and spending time with new people can give you a distraction for your family but also boost your confidence and help you to build a life outside of your home situation. [4]
    • If you don’t think your family will support your new adventures, don’t tell them if you don’t have to. Try to keep this one thing for yourself so you can experience it without judgment or negativity.
    • If you still live with your family, you might need to get a part-time job to cover the cost of some of these opportunities. You can also try to explain your situation to the activity organizers and see if they can help you with financial aid.
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    Volunteering will give you something positive to do with your time, and you may even find a new passion like cooking or painting. Sometimes, volunteering to help others can also put your problems into perspective and see that other people are experiencing the same challenges that you are. [5]
    • To find volunteer opportunities in your area, search online and then contact the agencies directly for additional information.
    • Be aware that volunteering with certain groups, such as persons affected by family violence, may hit too close to home for you at this point. Instead, look for a volunteering activity that will uplift your mood while also allowing you to help out.
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    Make new friends and deepen your relationships with the people that you already have in your life. Look for friends who share your common interests and who will support you in achieving your life goals. To meet new friends, go to community events, join clubs, and commit to saying yes to any social gathering that you get invited to. [6]
    • If you can’t make it to something you’ve been invited to, make sure to reschedule the activity immediately or invite that person to something in the near future.
    • Plan nights out with your friends and make time for small-group activities like meeting a friend for coffee or going for a walk together. These activities are quieter and more focused on conversation, so they can help build and strengthen relationships by promoting sharing and helping you assess if this is someone you can trust.
    • When you feel comfortable, confide in your friends about your family history and any wariness you have about getting close to people. While it might feel challenging at first, opening up to friends you trust is a good way to open yourself up to support and advice.
    • “Be open to new friendships and people who really feel like more where you are now,” advises Dicken, “and just be optimistic that those people exist. By doing the things you love, you will meet those people.” [7]
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Social interaction is beneficial for us. "Social connection is essential for body and mind and spirit. It's the meaning of life. It helps us on so many levels. Longevity relates to social connection. Immunity relates to social connection. These things are all part of the importance of friendships."

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    Special events and dates, such as anniversaries and holidays, can be very difficult and emotional if you are separated from your family either by distance or emotion. Take on extra shifts at work or maintain a full schedule of social activities. Being busy will remind you that you are a productive person with a good life. [8]
    • If your coworkers or friends learn that you will be alone over the holidays, they might invite you to spend time with their family. Carefully consider your emotions before you accept this offer, as it may trigger negative feelings for you, such as jealousy.
    • If you live with your family, you might arrange to spend part of the holiday at a friend’s house enjoying their celebration. Make these plans well in advance, and if getting to your friend requires a bit of traveling and you can afford to do that, even better.
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    Whenever you are dealing with personal conflicts, certain days will be better than others. Try to assess your state of mind on a weekly, not daily, basis. Don’t beat yourself up if you feel down one day. Honor your sadness that day by journaling about it, allowing yourself to cry, or talking to a trusted friend. Sadness is a part of the healing process. Then, try to find a way to make the next day extra special. Go to your favorite restaurant, for example.
    • It may also be helpful to tell your friends if/when you have a bad day. They may spring into action to lift you out of your funk and provide a positive distraction. Make sure to return this favor when you have the opportunity to do so.
    • If you are in school, keep a close eye on your participation grades (and grades in general) during bad periods with your family. If you tend to focus on yourself and get quieter, make a point to speak up and get those points.
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    If you are worried about what kind of family life you might create as a parent, lessen your fears and educate yourself by enrolling in a childcare or parenting class. The instructors will show you that a negative family cycle does not have to repeat itself. They will also give you the tools to understand what parental actions are beneficial and which are harmful. [9]
    • You can find a parenting class by contacting your local hospital. They will likely offer classes on a variety of parental topics. And many of these classes are often free of charge for soon-to-be parents.
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    You can’t control the past, but you can shape your future. Sit down and make a list of immediate and distant goals for your personal and professional life. Post this list somewhere visible, like on the wall in your room, and celebrate each time that a line is marked off.
    • A personal goal might be to hit the gym at least three times a week. Or, perhaps you want to watch one movie each week and revel in your downtime.
    • Break your goals down into steps that are small and achievable so that they are more likely to happen. Smaller goals will reinforce your progress and keep you motivated.
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Section 2 of 4:

How to Deal with an Unhealthy Family

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    If you live with your family, try to avoid common areas, such as the living room. If you live away, try to visit your family less often. Space out your phone calls or text responses more and more. Create physical distance from your family by no longer visiting or inviting them over. You only have so much energy to give, and stepping away from the negative people in your life provides you with more energy to spend on the positive ones. [10]
    • If your relatives question your increasing distance, you might say, “I’ve just been really busy lately,” and leave it at that.
    • Keep in mind that when people are used to getting a certain response from you and suddenly they don't, it is typical for them to try harder before they give up. Be prepared for some pushback when you try to distance yourself.
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    Part of establishing boundaries is learning what you are and aren’t willing to do for certain people. If you must maintain a relationship with someone, you might consider setting up plans yourself. That way, they occur on your terms, where you're comfortable, and last only for small lengths of time. If your family members ask you to do something harmful to your well-being in any way, just say, “No.” Don’t feel the need to provide an explanation as your time is your own to spend. [11]
    • Of course, if you live with your parents, you are more subject to their rules and requests. So, pick and choose which moments are most important to say "no."
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    Try to find at least one friend that you can confide in and talk to about the issues you’re having with your family. Ask to set up a weekly phone call or a biweekly meet-up so that you can feel like you have support and some distraction from your family situation.
    • If you live at home with family, make plans to meet your friends elsewhere.
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    If you’ve been surrounded by dysfunction and negativity for your entire life, you may need to take a bit of time to observe and understand positive and supportive ways of treating people. Pick up some reading material on healthy interpersonal relationships . Be patient with yourself and expect to make a few errors on your way.
    • For example, you may want to figure out when it is appropriate to say “thank you” for something and how to express that sentiment best. Do you write out a full card or simply send a brief test message? You will need to experiment to find out what is comfortable for you.
    • If you are a young adult, look around you to find other people who you can respect and follow. They can be someone who you already spend a lot of time around, such as a teacher. Or, they can be a person who you do not know personally, such as a professional athlete.
    • Try to learn more about your role model, including why they make particular decisions. For example, if your favorite football player is always volunteering, follow that example.
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    If you are in school, you can go to the school counselor free of charge. Sometimes, it's just helpful to have an unbiased person listen to your concerns. Or, if you are concerned about modeling your relationship on that of your parents, you may want to investigate relationship counseling. You can meet with a counselor as little or as often as you like. You can attend solo or with your partner. [12]
    • Discussing your family history with a counselor will show you that it is not your fault that you have negative or problematic relatives. You are only responsible for your choices and actions.
    • There are also lots of great books on this subject that can help you learn how to set and maintain boundaries and have healthier relationships. You can also join a support group.
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    It can be really difficult to feel like you don’t have a support network, and it can take time to build one. Look for a support group in your area through online community forums or mental health organizations PsychologyToday . You can also ask your therapist or primary care physician for help finding a support group.
    • Not only can a support group give you a place to feel supported by people who understand what you’re going through, but you may end up making a found family from the people you meet in that group!
    • Certain groups also deal with specific situations, such as survivors of families with sexual or substance abuse.
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    In most cases, the feeling of not having a good family stems from an abusive or toxic childhood environment. Whether your caregivers directly hurt you or didn’t provide you with proper care and nurturing, these experiences can make you feel unsafe and unhappy around your family. [13]
    • “Most of our problems later in life,” explains Israel, “are trauma-based. You compensate for your reaction to traumas that occurred when you were young. Maybe…you felt unloved [or that] you were unlovable…A lot of times, we spend the rest of our lives compensating for those things that were traumatic earlier in life.” [14]
    • Having family trauma in the past can easily shape the life you build for yourself as an adult. How you’re feeling now may be more about your childhood experiences than anything that’s happening at the present moment. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find ways to overcome your past trauma and live a good life in the present.
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    If you grew up feeling like you had a loving family, you may have family members who have since passed away. In this case, you might feel like you have no good family left and must start from scratch, which is a lonely feeling to pair with the already challenging grief process. [15]
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    If you’re someone who naturally shies away from conversing or socializing with others, that may have something to do with your feelings. If you always feel drained by spending time with your friends or family, you may end up feeling lonely or like you don’t have a good family that you can connect with.
    • However, some of those feelings of being emotionally drained may be influenced by who you’re spending time with. Try to spend time with more positive people in your life and see if you feel more comfortable socializing.
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    Some mental health diagnoses and symptoms can make it difficult to connect with loved ones. [16] Spending time around others may feel challenging or impossible, depending on your symptoms. You may, therefore, struggle to nurture intimate relationships and consequently feel like you have no close or supportive people in your life.
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Section 4 of 4:

Is it normal to not have a good family?

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    No family is perfect, and it’s even normal to dislike certain members of your family—they are just people, after all! However, some families have deeper issues that create a toxic, unhealthy, or even harmful family dynamic. While this situation isn’t particularly rare, it is extremely difficult and can leave you feeling lonely and unsupported.
    • However, you’re not alone in this experience. A 2020 study actually showed that 1 in 4 Americans are estranged from their family—that’s about 67 million people. [17]

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be happy without a good family?
    Sabrina Grover, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Sabrina Grover, LMSW is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) who earned her degree in Advanced Clinical Practice from New York University. Sabrina has experience working in substance abuse recovery centers and schools where she gained experience providing evidence-based treatment to children, adolescents, adults, and families. Sabrina specializes in Dialectical, Narrative, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. She has particular expertise in treating clients struggling with grief, complex trauma, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, and depression. She commits to providing a supportive environment for everyone who commits to growth and offering a warm, non-judgmental atmosphere.
    Sabrina Grover, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    It can be really heartbreaking to not have support from your family, and that's definitely a trauma that needs to be addressed. In the meantime, what you can do for yourself is identify the unhealthy patterns in your family and create a healthier support system based on that information.
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      • Keep in mind that there’s a difference between feeling lonely and feeling alone . Loneliness is a desire to connect but being unable to, which may benefit from a more proactive approach like joining a club. Feeling alone , on the other hand, means you don’t have connections to others or feel distant from your connections for a reason you can’t control—in this case, focus on more internal reflecting and processing.
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      References

      1. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      2. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
      3. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/making-friends
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/want-be-happier-learn-something-new
      5. ↑ http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/volunteering-may-be-good-for-body-and-mind-201306266428
      6. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/sociallife
      7. ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/difficult-family-holidays/
      9. ↑ http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/16109/1/Parenting-Classes-Pros-and-Cons.html
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-creativity-cure/201402/leaving-bad-family
      2. ↑ http://www.success.com/article/9-ways-to-say-no-to-negativity
      3. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/how-does-therapy-work-what-expect/?pathway=16357&layout=mhats,actions_h
      4. ↑ https://www.nctsn.org/trauma-informed-care/families-and-trauma
      5. ↑ Ira Israel. Licensed Counselor and Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 26 July 2022.
      6. ↑ https://orphanlifefoundation.org/life-of-an-orphan-from-lonely-beginnings-to-humble-endings/
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/symptoms-causes/syc-20374968
      8. ↑ https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=W4GAEAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA1&dq=Karl+Pillemer+2020+study&ots=Rk70Oo0au5&sig=7wxg8Mgxpskuc0olHvTenbMWYZo#v=onepage&q&f=false

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