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Do you want to make that really cool girl you noticed at school into your BFF? If you want to be able to make that cool girl you’ve had your eye on into your new best friend, then you have to work on introducing yourself, making her feel good about herself, and creating a long-lasting and meaningful friendship—without putting too much pressure on her. If you play your cards right, then you’ll have an awesome new best friend before you know it.
Steps
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See if you can learn a few things about her in advance. If you know a few things about the girl before you talk to her—without being too much of a spy —then it can actually help you start that first conversation. Without making it too obvious, you can ask some people who know her what she’s like, or even briefly look through her Facebook profile to get some more ideas about who she is. This can give you more topics to casually mention or can give you an idea of where to steer your first conversation.
- That said, you probably shouldn’t mention that you’ve been asking other people about her or scrolling through her Facebook profile. You don’t want her to think that you’ve been watching her a little too closely.
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Introduce yourself. The first move you have to make in order to get your friendship going is to introduce yourself to the girl. [1] X Research source You don’t have to be too aggressive about it or act like you’re dying to be BFF with the girl. Just say hi, tell her what your name is, and ask her how she’s doing. Make sure you find her at a good time, when she doesn’t seem busy or worried over anything, and that you act casual about it.
- Just say something like, “Hi, I’m Sarah. It’s great to meet you. What’s your name?” And take it from there.
- Don’t ask her too many questions or tell her too much about yourself right away or she will get overwhelmed. Take it easy and give your friendship time to blossom.
- Try to find a time when the girl is by herself so you have her attention. If you try to talk to her while she’s with too many other people, you may not make as much of an impression.
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Ask her about herself. Once you start talking to the girl, you can begin to ask her things about herself so you get to know her a bit. The truth is that, when it comes to making friends, it’s more important to be interested than to be interesting. Instead of worrying about impressing her with all of your funny jokes or cool stories, focus on showing a real interest in who she is. Just make sure she asks some questions back so she doesn’t feel like she’s being interrogated. Here are some things you can ask her about:
- Her hobbies
- Her family
- Her favorite TV shows, actors, musicians, and movies
- Her summer plans
- Her pets
- Really listen and pay attention to her with the intention of getting to know her and being curious about her.
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Open up a bit. Once you and the girl start talking a bit more, you can let her know about yourself so you both start to really get to know each other. [2] X Research source You don’t have to tell her everything at once, but once you feel more comfortable, you can talk about some of things you care about or are looking forward to. Though you can complain a bit, too, you should focus on being a bit more positive when you first start talking so she’s more likely to want to keep hanging out with you. Here are some things you can tell her about:
- Your siblings
- Your favorite after school activities
- Your favorite things to do with friends
- Your favorite foods
- Your most interesting experiences
- Anything unique from your past
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Give her a compliment. Though you don’t have to flatter her too much or suck up to her, giving the girl a nice girl compliment can help you become better friends. Pick something that makes her stand out or which is clearly important to her and point it out to make her feel good about herself. It doesn’t have to be super personal since you don’t know each other all that well yet; in fact, a compliment can be a great conversation starter. Here are some compliments you can try:
- “I love that brooch—it’s so funky. Is it a family heirloom?”
- “That’s an awesome sweater. I feel like I could never pull off such a pink color, but it looks great on you.”
- “You’re so good with new people. I bet you can start a conversation with anybody.”
- "You're so easy to be around! I like talking with you."
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Get a sense of her personality. Once you get to know the girl a bit more, you’ll have a stronger sense of who she is as a person. Maybe she’s the more shy type, or maybe she’s quirky and fun but gets moody on occasion. Though you should still be who you are, you should be aware of the kind of person she is so you know what will work best when you work on building a friendship with her.
- If she’s the moody type, then you shouldn’t take it personally if she seems happy one minute and upset the next; don’t just assume that it’s your fault and know that these things pass.
- If she’s more shy, then you should know it will take her a bit longer to begin to trust you. Be patient and don’t rush her into being BFFs right away.
- If she’s a bit quirky, then you should explore the oddball part of yourself. Ask her to do something less mainstream with you, like going to a bluegrass festival or making your own sushi, instead of doing something more expected, like walking around the mall.
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Ask her to hang out casually. Once you get to know the girl a bit better, you can start to hang out more. If you’ve had a few good conversations and feel like you’re really clicking, then you can make an effort to hang out with her more. You should invite her to a low-pressure hanging out situation, such as a party you’re hosting, or going to the movies, so you’re not forced to talk the whole time; if you invite her on a long hike or weekend trip without knowing her that well, then you may struggle to find things in common, at first.
- You can say something like, “Hey, I know you love Lily Allen—she’s actually having a concert in town in a few weeks, and I’m going with a few friends. Do you want to come with us?”
- You can also say, “Want to cram for the next history exam together? I know I have some trouble focusing when I’m on my own…”
- Be casual about it and don’t put too much pressure on her. Say something like, “Let me give you my number. Maybe we can catch up over the weekend.”
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Check in with her. As you and the girl get to know each other better, you’ll become more of a regular part of each other’s lives. If you want your relationship to feel deeper and more rewarding, then you should check in with your new friend from time to time to see how her day is going. You can wish her good luck before an important test or ask how her soccer game went; let her see that you care about what she’s been up to without asking about every little detail of her day. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
- Make sure that she’s checking in on you, too. If you feel like you’re always the one who calls or texts her, then you should back off a bit so there’s more of a balance.
- Checking in to see how she’s doing, especially if she’s had a hard day, shows that you care about more than just yourself and that you’re a person who is worth getting to know.
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Don’t put too much pressure on her to hang out all the time. When you’re just getting to know your new friend, you should take it slow in terms of spending time together. Seeing her once or twice a week outside of school should be enough to begin to develop your friendship. Once you’ve fallen into a slow, stable routine, you may even end up hanging out a bit more, but if you start asking her to hang out every day after you’ve just met, she may feel overwhelmed and will back away.
- Don’t always be the one who is asking her to hang out. She should ask you to spend time together, too.
- You can start off by hanging out in groups and then do something alone together, like grabbing froyo or going to a yoga class.
- Once you get to know each other better, your time together won’t feel so planned and you’ll be able to just hang out with having an activity in mind.
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Don’t be jealous of her other friends. If you want to build a stronger friendship, then you should try to get to know your future BFFs other friends instead of putting them down. Sure, you may want your new friend all to yourself, but if you make fun of her other friends or refuse to get along with them, then it’ll make it hard for you to hang out with your new friend in groups. Instead, make a real effort to get to know her friends so you can be a part of the group instead of hanging out with your new friend alone all the time.
- If you’re mean or cold to her other friends, they’ll tell her to stay away from you. Try your best to make a good impression , and they’ll want to spend more time with you.
- Plus, if you put down the girl’s other friends, then you’ll look like you’re insecure and not happy with your friendship.
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Don’t try to mimic her. As your friendship gets deeper, you should enjoy doing more things with your new friend and getting to know each other on a more personal level. However, you shouldn’t try to act just like your new friend just to win her over. A lot of girls start doing this when they meet a girl who they think is cool, but you should work on still being yourself and enjoying the girl for who she is.
- You don’t need to start dressing like her, acting like her, or mimicking the way she talks, in order to be closer with her. In fact, doing this can make her wary of you.
- If other people have pointed out that you’ve been acting more and more like your new friend, try to focus on emphasizing your own interests and personality.
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Find things you have in common. As you and your friend get to know each other better, you should be able to strengthen your relationship based on common ground. You may find that you have the same favorite TV show, the same perspective about politics, a love for creative writing, or even the same quirky sense of humor. This can help your friendship grow stronger over shared interests, and can give you more things to do together.
- However, don’t worry if you don’t think you have a million things in common, either. Sometimes the most important thing you can have in common are your dispositions. If you have a similar take on the world even if you don’t have many of the same interests, that can take you far.
- You can also introduce each other to some of your favorite things to make your relationship stronger. Your new friend may love to check out a dance class with you, and you may have a great time at a Nicki Minaj concert with her.
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Help each other out. Another way for your friendship to grow is for you and your friend to help each other out when you need some extra support. This can mean making lunch for your friend when she’s having a busy day, getting a ride to school from her when you need it, or just calling each other when you need emotional support. True friends help each other out and are there to make each other feel more capable and stronger. [4] X Research source
- Your friend may not always be able to admit it when she needs help. However, if you clearly see that she’s struggling and could use some support, then you shouldn’t be shy about giving it to her as long as she doesn’t feel smothered.
- Just make sure you take turns. You shouldn’t be the one doing favors for her all the time and you don’t want to feel like she’s taking advantage of you.
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Get to know her other friends and family. If you’re starting to become really close, then you should make an effort to be a part of more aspects of her life. If you’re over her house, you should chat with her parents so they know you’re a good influence, and make an effort to be nice to her siblings, even if they’re younger. If her friends are around a lot, get to know them and treat them like they’re your friends, too, showing a real interest in who they are.
- If you really don’t get along with her family, don’t make a big deal about it. Just try to be as friendly as you can.
- You can also get your friend to meet your family and friends, too, so you’re more involved in each other’s lives.
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Make her feel good about herself. One of the most important things you can do as a potential BFF is to make your friend feel like she’s an amazing, interesting, beautiful person who is worth knowing. Give her sincere compliments, encourage her when she has a big moment coming up, and tell her all of the things that make her awesome and unique. If she’s having a bad day, write her a note telling her how awesome she is; if she got dumped, invite her over to watch a sappy chick flick and listen to her when she cries. [5] X Research source
- Your friend will turn to you for support and you shouldn’t make her feel like she’s fat, stupid, or inferior to you. Work on building her up and making your friendship stronger.
- Of course, you don’t want to smother her with affection, either. Make an effort to make her feel good about herself as long as she does the same for you.
Brene Brown, Author & Professor of Social WorkReal friends celebrate each other. "Good friends aren’t afraid of your light. When something good happens to you, they celebrate your flame. When something good happens to them, you celebrate their flame."
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Do new things together. One thing you and your almost BFF can do together is to try something new and exciting that you’ve always wanted to do. This can mean rock climbing , going speed dating together, taking a trip to Portland, or taking a belly dancing class together. Think of something fun that you’ve both been wanting to try, and then make an effort to sign up with your new bestie so you can have something fun to do as you grow even closer. [6] X Research source
- Who knows, if you really like whatever you’ve tried, then that can become “your thing” that you always do together. You could be building a new tradition without even knowing it!
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Be there for the bad days, too. True best friends don’t only hang out together when they’re both in super good moods. They’re there for the tears as much as they are there for the laughter. If your friend is having a bad day, you should be there to give her support, to listen to her problems, and to give her advice if she asks for it. Giving your new friend support when she needs it the most will help your relationship grow stronger than ever. [7] X Research source
- If something is clearly wrong but she doesn’t want to talk about it, then you should tell her you’re ready to talk when she’s ready without forcing it.
- Your best friend should be there for you during the bad days, too. Your support network will grow stronger with your best friend at your side.
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Give each other space. You can be BFF without spending every second together. You should make sure that you and your best friend still maintain separate friendships and have time for your studies, your families, and for pursuing your own interests. You don’t have to do every little thing together to be close friends, and in fact, your relationship will be more interesting if you spend more time apart so you can share your experiences with each other.
- You don’t want your best friend to feel smothered by you. Let her do her own thing without asking what she’s up to all the time. If she’s out with other friends, you don’t always have to invite yourself along, either.
- Spending time pursuing your own interests, whether you’re writing songs or learning French, will help you grow as an individual apart from your best friend.
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Make time for each other no matter what. Though your lives will change and get more complicated as you get older, if you really want to continue to be best friends, you should always make time to talk and to be together, even if you can’t do it as frequently. Even if you’re living on opposite sides of the country, you should still be able to talk on the phone or to send texts or emails at least a few times a month, and to see each other at least once a year if you can make it work.
- Your connection should be so strong that you don’t need to see each other to feel close. Still, if you really care, you should make an effort to have your best friend in your life.
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Learn to grow together. You won’t always be the same people you were when you met. You will begin new relationships, find new interests, switch careers, move to a new place, or just go through a million other rites of adulthood as you get older. Still, though, your friendship will remain, even if it changes character, and you shouldn’t get disappointed if your best friend no longer likes Miley Cyrus or if she doesn’t want to watch the same old TV shows with you or talk about the same things; instead, you should appreciate the person she is as she gets older, just as she should appreciate who you are. [8] X Research source
- Be accepting of the changes going on in your best friend’s life. Don’t be frustrated if you think she’s not the same person you’ve always known.
- Your best friend should be accepting of who you are, too. You don’t always have to have the same political views or favorite food, and you should be comfortable discussing those changes with her.
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Don’t force it too much. Though everyone wants that perfect best friend they can confide in, you may find that this unknown girl doesn’t end up being the right fit. Maybe you just don’t click, maybe you can’t find time to really get to know each other, or maybe you have such different personalities that it’s hard to carry on a conversation without arguing. Whatever the case may be, if you really feel that this girl will never be your true best friend, or even your true friend , then you should move on and try to find another girl who has more in common with you.
- You don’t have to ditch the girl completely just because you don’t think she’s BFF material. You can still be friends with her, or even casual acquaintances. When it comes down to it, you can never have too many friends.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionHow do I know if someone wants to be my friend?Community AnswerSometimes, when someone wants to be your friend, they'll ask to sit by you or hang out. They might also try texting or calling you, making excuses to be near you, or just trying to spend as much time with you as they can.
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QuestionHow do I start friendship with a girl?Community AnswerFind out her interests, and ask her open-ended questions (those that require more than a "yes" or "no" answer) about them. Find excuses to spend time with her.
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QuestionHow do I tell a girl that I have a crush on her?Community AnswerYou need to come out and say it. The worst that could happen is she says she's not interested. If you are still afraid, take it slow. Get to know her as a friend first and see where it goes from there.
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Tips
- Find things you have in common. Maybe you both play a sport or an instrument. Join the same team she's on, ask if you can come to her club's meetings, something to be around her more often.Thanks
- Talk to her. Although it might be nerve-wracking to do so, she has to know you exist. It doesn't have to be a long conversation (that'll come later), just a quick 'Hi' or 'How ya doing?'. Something to let her you you are willing to get to know her, and listen to what she has to say.Thanks
- Offer to help her out. This varies from situation, as you don't want to become a "slave" to her every word, but let her know that you'll be there for her.Thanks
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Warnings
- If a girl doesn't want to be friends with you for some reason, you don't need to be friends with her. Both of you need to keep the same positive attitudes around each other, and if she's being mean, or hurtful in any way, stop trying to be friends with her. Find better friends.Thanks
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about friendship, check out our in-depth interview with John Keegan .
References
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-digitally/201711/what-say-or-not-when-introducing-yourself
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/build-trust/
- ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/healthy-relationships
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201805/in-helping-others-you-help-yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-do-life/201807/making-others-feel-good-about-themselves
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-games-and-activities/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201410/9-ways-be-there-friend-without-giving-advice
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201206/10-ways-relationships-help-individuals-grow
About This Article
Article Summary
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To get a girl you don't know to be your best friend, try to learn a few things about her in advance through her friends or on social media so you know what kinds of things she likes. Then, when you're talking to her, you can casually bring them up to keep the conversation going. Also, try to open up a bit about yourself when you're talking so she gets to know you better and starts to feel like you're friends. Remember to keep things really casual at first, but then after getting to know her a little bit, ask her to hang out. If it goes well, you can start hanging out more and becoming closer friends! To learn how to build a stronger friendship with someone, scroll down!
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