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This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
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cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 32,975 times.
Cheating on your partner is perhaps the greatest betrayal you can commit in a relationship. After being cheated on, you’re likely to experience pain, anger—and maybe confusion: why did it happen? What was he thinking? There are lots of reasons a man might have for cheating—and none of them are good enough. Still, if you’re curious about the psychology of a man who cheats, keep reading: we’ve created a list of the many things a guy might be thinking when he commits infidelity.
Things You Should Know
- A man who cheats may be struggling with an inferiority complex or a crisis of identity. He may feel unlovable and believe this is an “excuse” to have an affair.
- He may rationalize his affair by blaming his partner: they “forced” him to do it, or perhaps he wanted revenge on them for something they did to hurt him.
- He may not be thinking. He may be intoxicated—or he and his partner may have different definitions of “infidelity” that they haven't communicated.
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The most common reason to cheat is to satisfy lust. It’s probably not a huge shock, but for many people who commit infidelity, the urge to fulfill their sexual desire is high on the list of reasons to cheat. A man who cheats, especially a serial cheater, may have very little self-discipline and is therefore more likely to give into temptation. [1] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Cheaters who are governed by lust—or, more broadly, by the urge to satisfy their needs whenever they want—likely don’t consider the consequences of their actions. They live impulsively, in the here-and-now.
- Some serial cheaters may suffer from an impulse control disorder. They may be likely to engage in particularly risky sexual behavior leading to sexually transmitted diseases and to struggle with impatience and compulsive or obsessive thinking, anxiety and depression, emotional detachment, and other symptoms of poor mental health. [2] X Research source
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A man may cheat because he has low self-esteem. Cheating may make him feel desirable as well as in control of himself and his life. It may make him feel like he has “options” outside of his relationship. In fact, many people who cheat on their partners don’t do it because they don’t love their partner anymore—they do it because they feel unworthy of their partner. [3] X Research source
- A man who cheats may feel insecure because he believes his partner is more attractive, accomplished, powerful, etc. Cheating could be his way of “getting even,” humbling his partner (even if they don’t know it), or simply feeling more powerful himself.
- A man who points the finger at his partner because they “stopped working on themselves” may actually feel inferior himself and be projecting his lack of self-worth onto his partner.
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Blaming their partner is some men’s way of justifying their infidelity. This takes the responsibility off of them and gives them what they feel is an “excuse” to cheat. Some men may rationalize their betrayal, either to themselves or to their partner, as a reasonable and inevitable consequence of something their partner did.
- Maybe he feels he and his partner aren’t close anymore, or his partner “just doesn’t understand” him.
- The problems a man might use as excuses to cheat may be delusions he’s created to let himself off the hook—but they may be valid issues affecting the relationship. Regardless, the answer to those problems is never infidelity.
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Some men insist it’s in their DNA to cheat. “It’s a man’s biological imperative to spread his seed,” some guys will claim. “I can’t help it.” It’s clearly false, but some guys may use it as a way to deflect blame for their actions—or even to imbue their infidelity with a certain masculine pride.
- A guy might be especially likely to cheat if his male friends do—or if he has no male friends. Many men don’t have strong connections with other men, which leaves them lonely and at a loss, perhaps, of solid male role models. [4] X Research source
- Some men may also believe their partner (especially if they’re a woman) is the only “friend” they need, and when this inevitably proves untrue, they may try to justify looking for support from an affair partner.
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Some people may cheat because they feel misunderstood or unloved. Someone who commits infidelity may believe it’s excusable because their partner doesn’t love them, or that it wouldn’t matter if they cheated because they’re not capable of being loved either way. They may believe that their partners wouldn’t notice or care if they were to cheat—they may even try to get their partner’s attention by having an affair. [5] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Serial cheaters are likely to cheat out of a fear of getting too close to their primary partner, because they're convinced their partner can't possibly love them. They may cheat to create emotional distance between them and their partner in the hopes that they can avoid the inevitable pain of not being loved.
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He may enjoy exerting power through infidelity. For many people, sex is about control, and this man may feel more independent and authoritative having an affair outside his relationship. This may be especially likely to be the case if he has an affair with someone over whom he holds some authority, such as a work subordinate.
- He may be turned on by using his power or influence to get what he wants. This behavior may be especially prevalent in narcissistic men.
- A man who feels he has lost autonomy in his relationship may also seek out an affair. [6] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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He may believe more partners will ensure he’s never alone. A man who suffers from abandonment issues may struggle with committing to one partner: what if they leave, or what if they’re too busy with other things to pay him as much attention as he wants? He may try to distract himself or sooth his fear of abandonment by engaging in an affair outside of his relationship.
- It’s likely this man suffers from fears of rejection and is looking to compensate for it by cheating. Of course, this isn’t a healthy way of combating his anxieties and is likely to leave him feeling worse.
- Look out for signs of codependency in your relationship. People with abandonment issues may struggle with codependency, as well as anxiety and depression. [7] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source They may be more likely to enter relationships with controlling partners, or to be controlling or have unfair expectations of their partner.
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Some men are enticed by the riskiness of an affair. A guy might seek sexual excitement elsewhere if he feels his sex life with his partner has grown mundane. However, there may not even be anything “wrong” in his relationship, but the thought of being caught having an affair may be sexually alluring. Lots of people are turned on by danger, and this guy could be one of them. [8] X Research source
- Occasionally, couples whose sex life has slowed down do find opening their relationship rejuvenating—it's an opportunity for either partner to explore their sexuality or to experiment with kinks or fetishes. But both partners must be aware of and consent to seeing other people for this to work. [9] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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A man who’s been hurt by his partner may seek revenge. If a guy feels his partner has wounded him in some way—maybe they cheated themselves, or maybe the man just doesn’t feel seen or appreciated—he might consider infidelity a fair response. Ultimately, it signifies a cowardly refusal to take responsibility for his hurt and to address it with his partner . [10] X Research source
- Cheating is never the fault of the person being cheated on, and always the responsibility of the person who cheated. Someone who cheats does so because they have a problem they aren’t willing or able to discuss, or because something is missing inside themselves.
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He may confuse infatuation for true love. Limerence, or that head-over-heels, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get when you first fall for someone, is usually how the movies depict "true love." The truth is that that heady, all-consuming infatuation almost always fades after the early stages of romance, subsiding into a less intense but deeper and more meaningful connection between partners. A man who cheats may immaturely expect that initial stage of a relationship to last forever, and when it doesn’t, he may seek it elsewhere with somebody new. [11] X Research source
- He may even attempt to excuse his actions by saying he’s fallen out of love with his primary partner or that his connection with his affair partner was just so strong he couldn’t deny it.
- Increasingly, "love addiction" is being studied as a valid type of addiction. Being in love may trigger brain chemical reactions leading to feelings of safety, satisfaction, and pleasure, similar to any other addiction such as alcoholism or gambling. [12] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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It’s possible he’s reenacting or reacting to unhealed childhood trauma. He may have endured sexual, emotional, or physical abuse, been neglected, or been smothered by an overbearing parent. If he hasn’t healed properly from these wounds, he may seek to recreate the unhealthy abusive dynamic via an affair or he may simply be unable to fully trust or commit to one person. [13] X Research source
- If your partner is suffering from past abuse, he may have emotional difficulties, like sadness or low self-esteem, poor mental health, problems with addiction, or poor physical health, and he may struggle in his non-romantic relationships in addition to his romantic one. [14] X Research source
- If he cheats with or on a woman, he may have warped perceptions of women rooted in past abuse and may not know how to have healthy relationships with them.
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Being unsure of his identity may inspire him to explore infidelity. Having an affair may be some men’s way of feeling more in control of his life and his actions if he’s suffering from an identity crisis, such as a mid-life crisis. He may also feel empowered by the idea of escaping his current life by having sex with someone outside his relationship.
- If your partner is suffering a crisis of identity, he may be bored by or disillusioned with ideas, values, and activities he used to find meaningful, such as his job, role at home, relationships, goals, and role models. [15] X Research source
- Men in mid-life crises may struggle with the notion of aging or becoming obsolete, and may seek an affair—perhaps with a younger partner, but not necessarily—as a misguided attempt to regain their lost youth.
- While some people may have an affair in response to a crisis of identity, infidelity is a poor solution, as it frequently begets identity crises as well, in both the cheater and the partner they cheated on. [16] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
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He may believe he’s entitled to an affair. A man who suffers from narcissistic tendencies or who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may believe he has a right to an affair. His reasons might be that his partner doesn’t “give” him enough sex or has “let themselves go”—or he may just think he deserves to satisfy his every whim, even if it’s selfish. [17] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- Though narcissists may act as if they’re the kings of the universe, they frequently suffer from deep-seated insecurity, which may influence them to believe they’re too insignificant for their actions to carry any real weight, or that their partner doesn’t love them or wouldn’t care if they cheated.
- Just because your partner cheats doesn't make him a narcissist; however, if he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, tries to blame you for "making" him cheat, or doesn't seem sorry for hurting you, you can be sure he has some narcissistic traits . [18] X Research source
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He and his partner may not have set clear boundaries. Most people agree that sex outside a relationship (without the primary partner’s consent) qualifies as cheating. Beyond that, though, it’s not always cut and dry: does kissing always count as cheating? Is texting cheating? What about being on dating apps (but not meeting up with anyone)? For some partners, these are all dealbreakers, while for others, they’re not a big deal. The problem lies in the lack of communication between partners . [19] X Research source
- It's best to have a serious conversation with your partner about your expectations early on in the relationship. It may be uncomfortable, but it's necessary to avoid confusion and heartbreak down the road.
- Some people may take it for granted that since a past partner didn't consider something infidelity, their current partner won't, either.
- Of course, some people may insist they didn’t know something was considered cheating when they did, as an attempt to alleviate their guilt.
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Drugs, alcohol, or peer pressure may have blurred his thinking. If the infidelity occurred at a bar or party, it’s possible he was acting under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Or he may have just “gotten caught up in the moment”—if the people around him encouraged his behavior or acted similarly, he may have tricked himself into believing cheating wasn’t a big deal.” [20] X Research source
- While drugs and alcohol can have tremendous effects over someone’s decision-making processes, it’s never an excuse to have an affair.
- The adage "Once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't necessarily true: sometimes, getting caught up in the moment is an honest, one-time mistake, especially if your partner seems remorseful and works to regain your trust.
- But if your partner has a history of alcoholism or drug abuse, or if they regularly spend time with friends who don't share your values or enable your partner to mistreat you, it may be a sign your partner isn't reliable or respectful of your relationship.
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References
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36900915/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-psychology-relationships/202103/the-8-reasons-why-people-cheat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201704/13-reasons-why-men-cheat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201704/13-reasons-why-men-cheat
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36900915/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36900915/
- ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/codependency.htm
- ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-people-in-relationships-cheat/
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25189189/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201704/13-reasons-why-men-cheat
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202304/the-top-8-reasons-people-commit-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5378292/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202304/the-top-8-reasons-people-commit-infidelity
- ↑ https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/non-recent-abuse/
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/identity-crisis-signs
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8297579/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4163100/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201412/is-your-partner-narcissist-here-are-50-ways-tell
- ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/why-is-infidelity-so-painful
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
and by wikiHow staff writer, Dev Murphy, MA
. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). This article has been viewed 32,975 times.
7 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: June 11, 2024
Views: 32,975
Categories: Relationships
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 32,975 times.
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