How to Overcome Fear of Abandonment

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The fear of abandonment is common for those who have typically experienced the loss of a parent, caregiver, or loved one through death, divorce, or other traumatizing circumstances. Abandonment fears may also stem from not receiving quality physical or emotional care during childhood. It is normal to be displeased with the thought of a loved one leaving, but when the fear becomes so severe it has a noticeable impact on your or your loved one's life, the phobia should be addressed. Living in a chronic state of anxiety can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. You can learn to overcome your fear of abandonment by identifying the cause of your anxiety, working on your own emotional health, and changing negative patterns of behavior.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Working Through Your Emotions

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  1. Recovering from a fear of abandonment requires finding healthy ways to cope with your anxieties. The first step towards finding healthy coping mechanisms is to take responsibility for the way you feel. Even though your emotions might be triggered by other people’s actions, realize that the way you respond to them is up to you. [1]
    • For example, if someone insults you and it makes you mad, you have to recognize that, even if the remark was degrading or humiliating, you have a choice about how to react. You can get angry, cry, or storm off. Or, you can search inside yourself and remember that your well-being is not dependent on the opinions of others, then smile and walk away.
  2. Pay attention to the feelings, thoughts, and sensations that come up when you think about being abandoned. [2] Which particular scenario are you afraid of? If you were abandoned today, what specific emotion would that generate in you? What kind of thoughts would go through your mind? Getting specific about your fear can help you find ways to combat it. [3]
    • A fear of abandonment often is rooted in the fact that you might feel like you're not good enough to be loved in a relationship. Identifying and challenging those thoughts is important to overcoming that fear. [4]
    • For example, you might fear that if your partner left you, you would feel unlovable and would never be able to find another relationship.
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  3. If your fear of abandonment comes from an experience you had in childhood, you may be unconsciously assuming that scenario will play out again. Consider themes from your childhood that may be affecting you today.
    • For instance, if you were abandoned by your mother or another female caretaker, you might feel like you can’t trust any women to remain in your life. Remind yourself that this is not a rational assumption to make, and that all people behave differently. [5]
  4. When your anxieties are running high, fact checking is a useful strategy for regaining control of them. Take a moment to distance yourself from your emotions and question whether your thoughts make objective sense. Consider whether there is a simpler and more straightforward explanation for what’s going on.
    • For instance, if your partner hasn’t texted you back in half an hour, your first reaction might be to think, “He’s getting tired of me and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” When this happens, ask yourself if that’s really the scenario that makes the most sense. It may be more likely that he’s busy talking to someone else or forgot to turn his phone’s ringer on after a meeting.
  5. Mindfulness teaches you to focus on what’s going on in the present instead of what might happen in the future. Pay attention to what you’re feeling in the moment and, instead of immediately acting on it or judging yourself for it, ask yourself why you’re feeling that way. This can help you understand your emotions better and know which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go. [6]
    • Meditation is a good way to get into the habit of mindfulness. Even as little as five or ten minutes of meditation a day can be helpful in becoming more mindful or your thoughts and emotions.
    • Try downloading an app on your phone or watching a guided meditation video on YouTube to get started.
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Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Do I Have Abandonment Issues?

Do you often feel afraid or insecure about the state of your relationships, worrying that you might be rejected by someone you care about? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can be triggered by many things, including dysfunctional relationships, and the effects of having abandonment issues can range from mild to severe. Like many common fears and anxieties, abandonment issues can be overcome in time–and recognizing them is the first step. That’s why we created a comprehensive quiz to help you identify whether you may have abandonment issues.
1 of 12

Does anyone in your life (a partner, family, or friend) make you doubt yourself?

Part 2
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Adjusting Your Behaviors

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  1. If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you might frequently act from a place of insecurity. Calling and texting someone multiple times a day, asking someone to spend all their free time with you, and accusing others of planning to leave you are a few examples of insecure behavior. Unfortunately, acting like this can have the unintended consequence of scaring friends and partners away. If these behaviors sound like you, work on finding alternative ways to manage your anxiety.
    • Practicing mindfulness can help you stop pushing others away. With a mindful perspective, you can examine your motives and choose to avoid impulsive, needy behavior.
    • When you feel insecure, instead of acting on the emotion, try writing in a journal about why you feel that way. Another good option is to take a walk and think through your feelings.
    • When you reach out to other people, start by asking, "Is this a good time to talk?" That way, if it's not, they can just be honest, and you won't be left guessing whether they're distracted or they just don't want to talk to you. [7]
  2. Many people who are afraid of being abandoned habitually seek out relationships with emotionally unavailable people. If you have a history of abandonment, you may unconsciously select partners who will act in the same way as your parents or previous partners. [8]
    • Consider whether seeking out more emotionally available partners would help you break the cycle of anxiety and abandonment.
    • If you notice unhealthy patterns in your relationships, it may be helpful to see a therapist. A mental health professional can help you identify the source of these unhealthy patterns and teach you to develop skills that move you towards healthier, balanced relationships.
  3. If you’re afraid of abandonment, you might have the tendency to focus intensely on one relationship to the exclusion of others. Forming a strong network of friends can help you stop focusing on just one person and provide you a sense of security.
    • If one person decides to leave or is unavailable, you will still have other friends to fall back on. Cultivating friendships can also help you practice maintaining healthy relationships. [9]
    • Build a strong support system by opening yourself up to the opportunity to find and make friends. Join a new club at school. Take a cooking class. Visit your local park more often. Or, start a volunteer service commitment to connect with people with the same interests as you.
  4. Improving your self-esteem can help you become more emotionally self-sufficient and recover from your fear of abandonment. When you feel good about yourself and your abilities, you won’t need to rely on others for validation or attention. [10]
    • To increase your self-esteem, try learning a new skill, volunteering to help others, or working on a personal project that’s important to you.
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Part 3
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Identifying the Causes

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  1. Experiencing the loss of someone close, or past experiences with neglect and physical, mental, or sexual abuse can be a very traumatic. A person who has experienced any of this is more likely to encounter behavioral and psychological challenges because there is that underlying fear that these events could occur again in their current relationships. [11]
    • Some common emotional and behavioral reactions of fear of abandonment include: mood swings and fits of anger, as well as other behaviors that may alienate you from those you hold close.
    • Other symptoms may include poor self-esteem, low self-worth, severe anxiety or panic attacks, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and difficulty adapting to change.
    • Fear of abandonment can also impair the ability to trust others and experience. It may lead to co-dependence and associating with people who reinforce those negative thoughts.
  2. Much of the time, fear of abandonment has its roots in a childhood trauma. If you lost a parent or caretaker to death, divorce, or another cause, you might unconsciously fear the same scenario playing out again with other people. [12]
  3. Sometimes, trauma experienced in adulthood can also make you afraid of being abandoned. Ask yourself whether you have lost a partner or someone else close to you through death, divorce, or financial abandonment. These situations can create a general fear of abandonment in some people.
  4. Many people who are afraid of others leaving them suffer from low self-esteem. If you frequently seek validation from other people or attempt to derive your self-worth from your relationships, you might be afraid that others will abandon you and cut off the source of your positive feelings about yourself.
  5. People who are predisposed to anxiety are more likely to fear being abandoned. Many anxious people have vivid imaginations. If you have imagined what it would be like to be abandoned, you might become afraid of it happening, even if it has never actually happened to you before.
    • People with anxiety tend to expect the worst in a situation. For example, you might get anxious (e.g. your heartbeats fast and your palm sweats) when your partner does not immediately answer a phone call. You might worry that there has been an accident, or that the person is purposely avoiding you.
    • In order to overcome anxiety, you must learn to challenge how realistic your thoughts are. Do you have reason to suspect your partner has been in an accident? Is there evidence to show he or she is ignoring you?
    • To combat anxiety most effectively, it may be helpful to see a mental health therapist who has experience treating this condition.
  6. Depending on the severity of your fear and how this is currently impacting your life, it may be beneficial to seek guidance and support from a qualified therapist or counselor. Look for someone who is certified in treating people with fear of abandonment, as they may be able to help you learn to separate fears of the past from what is actually happening in the present. [14]
    • As you learn to separate the past from the present, and recognize that your fears are not realistic expectations in your current life, you can begin to develop healthier coping skills to any emotional responses you may have in your daily life.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    I just lost my romantic partner to my fear of abandonment ruining our relationship, how can I cope with this?
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer
    If your fears have impacted your life in a way that it has affected others as well, it might be time for you to seek professional help from a qualified therapist or counselor. Your therapist or counselor will help you identify the underlying cause of your abandonment fears, work through them, and develop healthy coping skills you can use in your daily life.
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  • Question
    Why am I so scared of being left?
    Peggy Rios, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.
    Peggy Rios, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Fear of abandonment is often rooted in some underlying assumption that you're not good enough to be in the relationship. Usually there are some past experiences that will predispose you to think that way, like having overly critical family members or having been in painful friendships in elementary school or in high school, where you were made to feel less than your peers.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 0 Helpful 9
  • Question
    Can abandonment issues be resolved?
    Peggy Rios, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Dr. Peggy Rios is a Counseling Psychologist based in Florida. With over 24 years of experience, Dr. Rios works with people struggling with psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression. She specializes in medical psychology, weaving together behavioral health programs informed by empowerment theory and trauma treatment. Dr. Rios uses integrated, evidence-based models to provide support and therapy for people with life-altering medical conditions. She holds an MS and Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Maryland. Dr. Rios is a licensed psychologist in the state of Florida.
    Peggy Rios, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    In order to overcome a fear of abandonment, you have to work on identifying when those thoughts and feelings come into your mind. From there, you have to learn to realistically challenge those feelings when they come up.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    Not Helpful 3 Helpful 8
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-anderson/how-to-overcome-fear-of-a_b_6988748.html
      2. ↑ Peggy Rios, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
      3. ↑ https://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/fear-of-abandonment/
      4. ↑ Peggy Rios, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
      5. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness
      7. ↑ Peggy Rios, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
      8. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11596/why-you-feel-either-trapped-or-abandoned-in-relationships.html
      9. ↑ https://www.verywell.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741
      1. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/building-self-esteem/
      2. ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/abandonment
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/201210/fear-abandonment-1
      4. ↑ Peggy Rios, PhD. Counseling Psychologist. Expert Interview. 18 December 2020.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-doc/201210/fear-abandonment-1

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Dealing with a fear of abandonment can be hard, but there are changes you can make to your thinking and behavior that can help you overcome it. Whenever you’re worried about being abandoned, perform mindfulness activities, like meditation or yoga, which may help you relax and keep your emotions under control. Identifying the specific cause of your fear may help you come up with solutions to deal with it. Try hanging out often with a group of friends, since having a strong support network can help you feel more secure. You should also take steps to build your self esteem, which is often low if you fear being abandoned. Take up a hobby or join a club that interests you, like volunteering in the community or a sports team. Performing a skill or activity you enjoy will help you feel good about yourself, which can make you emotionally stronger. For tips from our Relationship co-author on how to fact check your fears, read on.

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