Q&A for How to Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law

You can raise a concern without being culturally insensitive by framing it from your perspective. Make it seem like the problem is your's (even if you don't think it is). This will incentivize your boyfriend's parents to be more accommodating and will make them feel like they're being benevolent. If they still don't back off, ask your boyfriend about moving. You may need to establish some space to create a boundary between your relationship and your boyfriend's relationship with his family.

Reflect a little bit. Were you overreacting and kind of imagining things? If so, try apologizing in private and explain where you were coming from. It's natural to be nervous about a mother-in-law's opinions, so she should be understanding. If you think that she was actually rude, your spouse may have taken it easy when discussing the topic. Try to talk to her privately and state your case when your partner isn't around. She may have a different response and you may be able to make some progress.

You can't change what's in a person's heart. If your mother-in-law is racist, consider cutting her out entirely and refusing to engage. You spouse should be understanding of this. If your mother-in-law is physically abusive, contact the police. There may be some fallout, but nobody deserves to be attacked.

Living together is one of the hardest things to ever do when you don't get along and can result in a dysfunctional life. Is it possible to get her into an in-law flat in the backyard or a distinct part of the house, so that she can lead most of her life separate from yours? If not, you might put into place different times to use different parts of the house, to lessen the times you're in the same areas. In terms of communicating, be polite but don't engage in any attempts she makes to argue, cause trouble, complain or judge you. Shut her down with comments such as: "Well, that's your opinion, good for you." Get your spouse on side, you have agreed to his or her mother living with you, so you at least get to voice your preferences about how the household is run and the amount of contact that is sufficient and what is too much. Remember, it's your life, don't let this woman conduct it for you.

She needs to respect the fact that this is a lovers day which is exclusive for spouses/partners only. That's what Mothers Day is for.

He is a Mama's Boy, and you have a marriage issue. If your husband refuses to see his mother's behavior for what it is, then you should consider marriage counseling and if he won't go, go by yourself and use the time to figure out if this is how you want to live your life.

Avoid and limit any real one-on-one time with her. Be respectful and cordial, but keep your expectations of her behavior towards you extremely low. Don't let her push your buttons, as that is what she is trying to do.

Be firm with your spouse that they are not invited, and when your mother-in-law asks, tell her they are not invited as well.

The honest answer is: don't live with her if you can do anything to avoid it. This kind of behavior could easily destroy your relationship with her or your other family members. If you can't move out, then you need to set some boundaries with her about what is and is not appropriate in your house. If she doesn't respect those boundaries, then simply stop talking to her when it's not necessary.

Keep your responses brief. The more detail you give, the more she will feel she can ask you in regards to this. Have a subject at-the-ready to switch to whenever she brings it up.

You're a package deal. Remember your wedding vows and remind your husband that YOU are his choice and his mother is insulting you, him, your marriage, and your family with the way she is acting.

You have no obligation to work for your fiance's mother or do anything she wants you to do. Say you're not interested, and live your own life. Your fiance should be able to make his own decisions as well. If she keeps interfering in your life and relationship, and your fiance lets it go on, it might be better to break things off.

Avoid her, but yet let your spouse know how you feel and that he should say something to her about this.

Talk to your spouse how this causes you to feel, when he is receptive mood. Be firm but don't complain; appeal to the fact that the two of you should be acting as a team. Have your husband ask his mother to call before she comes and to only come around when you have agreed to her being there. Help him to see that whenever you want to go anywhere, the arrival of his mom interrupts these opportunities or forces you to take her as well, and how this cramps your style. Finally, remember that spouses take priority over mothers for the adult child; it just takes time for some adults to realize this.

You have done good by distancing yourself, but you should definitely stand up to her if she continues, letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable to you. Difficult people require strong boundaries.

Try not to let it bother you. Don't change for her. Spend time with your husband and avoid speaking to him about his mother. If he brings her up, change the subject. You'll never change her. Just try to avoid her when possible and be polite and civil when you must be near her.

Since you've recognized that this is a spiritual issue, draw on your faith or set of beliefs to create suitable boundaries that ward off her negativity. For example, some people imagine creating a force field around themselves, one that allows the negativity to bounce right back off. Try empathy too -- bounce back her feelings to force her to own them through reflecting what you understand as her problems. She'll be so busy gulping back your "understanding" that she won't grasp that you're actually returning her negativity fully wrapped. Focus on improving your spiritual journey without letting her come along for the ride.

Let your husband know how they treat you. He needs to know what is going on. Meanwhile, if you feel comfortable, try talking to them about their behavior and letting them know how it affects you.

Figure out what you mean by "overbearing." Do you find them controlling, is there a lack of privacy, is your freedom restricted, is there a complete mismatch thinking, etc.? Get yourself out of the house with a job or sign your kids up for some new activities and get out of the house with them. Some minor changes could do a lot of good. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. Set your priorities and work on the most essential things. You could also try communication. Maybe they don't know they are being overbearing? Be specific about what you need to change if you try to talk to them.

Encourage your husband to deal with the issues that cause him to feel unable to talk to his parents openly and clearly. This is about the relationships he and his parents built up over many years and isn't something you can, or should, try to fix. However, he needs to fix something in order to be a good source of support for you, so perhaps he needs to consider counseling or assertiveness training. Be supportive of him and speak up for him where it is appropriate, so that his parents can see you've got their measure and won't be tolerating nonsense from your end of things.

If she criticizes you, don't argue back, simply respond with a polite "Thank you for sharing that with me" and smile. She will eventually stop when she realizes her comments and judgements are no longer upsetting you. Also, your spouse should be the one to speak with her about any issues, not you.

Don't worry, it won't work. Your child may not voice it but they will sense your in-laws' phony feelings towards them. A child knows love when it is sincere and genuine. You may still consider limiting their time with your in-laws, though.

Remind your spouse gently that your marriage comes first, but that you're willing to do what is needed to create harmony. It does appear that both of you are finding this a suffocating arrangement and therefore distance will probably help. Consider alternative accommodation arrangements such as a mother-in-law flat in the backyard or an RV in the yard, or rental rooms nearby that you help to fund. Then have a family meeting to discuss changing the living arrangements and finding better ways to communicate as a whole. The suggestions in this article may be helpful; it's too large a topic to do justice to here.

I would seriously just try to find another job. In the meantime, set firm boundaries with her; when she's rude to you, let her know that her behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

Do your best to be civil, but otherwise, do not worry about it. It should be a mutual relationship between the two of you.

If you feel obliged, make it feel a lot less intimate. Tell her you will give her a little money monthly and she can go and buy her own personal needs. If she insists, tell her you'd not have a clue what to get because you don't use those things. If she demands more money, tell her that is all you can afford. If you don't feel obliged, tell her that you feel her request is unreasonable and that you're unwilling to shop for her personal items and that you're saving up money for your kid's college funds (even if there are no kids yet).

Although it is emotionally difficult, place an ultimatum. Spouse either decides to agree with you on things that make you comfortable or needs an unofficial separation to help see the situation from a different perspective.

Just open your mouth and the words come out. Express what the problem appears to be and then let them speak with her about the issues.

If you don't feel comfortable giving/lending her money, don't do it. If it's your money, this is your decision to make. However, if your partner wants to give their mother money that is their's, there is really nothing you can do about that except gently express your concerns.

A good tip is to stop worrying about how you come across to your mother-in-law and your husband. This will allow you to speak your mind as to what matters for your relationship and not theirs. Remind him that your relationship comes first and that while you're prepared to listen to your mother-in-law, you're not prepared to sit back while she tries to make all the decisions on his behalf. Those decisions are for you and your husband, not her and remind him that two is company and three is a crowd and it's unlikely she'll be picking up the tab for bad decisions affecting the two of you.