Q&A for How to Get a Man (for Gay Men)

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  • Question
    What should I do if I don't really know how to act around other queer guys?
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
    Counseling Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    I've noticed that for a lot of younger people feel a lot more comfortable if they can observe the way other people act. Just try spending more time around queer folks and relax. Watch the way they talk to one another and interact. You'd be surprised how much you pick up on!
  • Question
    Why do I get so nervous around other gay men?
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
    Counseling Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    This is a totally natural and normal thing. Especially when you're young, it's standard to get kind of antsy around people you want to know better. Don't worry about this too much! As you build your confidence, you'll feel a lot more comfortable.
  • Question
    Why is it so hard to meet gay men?
    Marissa Floro, PhD
    Counseling Psychologist
    Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
    Counseling Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    If you live in a really rural area, this can be a bit of a challenge. If you live near a major city, try visiting the popular gay bars or attending gay-friendly events there. You can also try online apps and things like that. It's also possible that you already know a few gay men and you just don't know they're gay yet!
  • Question
    I had sex several times with a guy who is dating a girl. He says he doesn't like me and that he is in love with his girlfriend, but that he won't be able to control himself if we are alone in a room. Do I have a chance with him?
    Community Answer
    Every time you have sex with this guy, you are falling in more deeply in love with him, giving yourself false hope. The fact is, you are second-best to him, a backup plan. When he feels like getting laid, he will always know you are available, and when you need him, he will not be there. In a relationship, both parties should benefit from it, not just one. You deserve better.
  • Question
    Is there any way to convince a straight guy to have a one night stand with a gay man?
    Community Answer
    It depends on the guy. If the guy is not interested in guys at all then it will not happen, but if the guy is in the closet, or just curious about how it would feel like sleeping with a guy, that's when it would happen. Your best bet is to drop a hint or two and see how he reacts. If his reaction is negative at all, don't pursue him any further.
  • Question
    How can a get a gay man to love me if he is not interested in me?
    Community Answer
    Unfortunately, you cannot and should not force anyone to do something that they do not wish to do. You can try to get to know this man better by spending more time with him; perhaps he will eventually grow to like you. If he really is not interested in you, however, it might be healthier for you to move on to a different man.
  • Question
    How do i know if I am gay?
    Community Answer
    If you are sexually/romantically attracted to boys/men (and not girls/women), you are gay. If you're young and not yet sure who you're attracted to, that's fine. It can take a while for some people to figure out their sexual orientation. Check out How to Know if You Are Gay .
  • Question
    How do I convince my friend to have anal sex?
    Community Answer
    First off, you have to be sure your friend is gay or bi, or he won't want to have sex with you at all. If that's the case, communication is key. Be frank and serious about it, but also make sure he knows that you'll be gentle and let him set the pace. Make sure he feels safe, secure, and relaxed with you.
  • Question
    What does it mean if a guy keeps having sex with a gay guy and say he's experimenting?
    Community Answer
    Either the guy is just interested in having sex with men and no emotional strings attached, or the guy is indeed gay but still in denial. Guys are often into guys but scared of family and friends so they find themselves settling for just sexual pleasure and nothing more. That being said, if he says he's not gay, take him at his word. It's up to each individual to choose how they identify.
  • Question
    How can I let a gay man know I am interested without being obvious or letting everyone know I am gay?
    Community Answer
    Simple solution: say, "Hey do you want to hang out sometime?" That's it. Gay men are very respectful of others' privacy because they have likely been exactly where you are.
  • Question
    How do I start talking to the guys?
    Community Answer
    Be approachable to them -- don't make them think you like them. Take it easy and flirt a little. Or even maybe ask if he's interested in boys. If he says no, move on. If he says yes, maybe even ask him on a date or kiss him.
  • Question
    How can I find out if my friend is gay without attracting undue attention?
    Community Answer
    Trying to find him on social media is private and often reveals a lot about someone's preferences. Or you could just talk to him and casually bring up the subject.
  • Question
    What can I do if I am nervous about starting a special friendship with a gay man I just met?
    Community Answer
    Talk more, as communication is always key and maybe he is feeling the same way. Remind yourself that everyone is nervous when trying to make an intimate connection with another human being, it's natural to feel that way. It is also a way of protecting yourself and taking things slowly.
  • Question
    How can I tell if a gay guy likes me and I like him?
    Community Answer
    He may show he likes you by spending time with you, initiating plans and flirting with you. You may like him if you like this attention.
  • Question
    When I see a handsome boy I have feelings for him and start imagining his penis, but then I get scared because I know it's bad. Am I gay?
    The Emo Panda
    Community Answer
    It sounds like you are probably gay, or bisexual if you also like girls. Don't be scared, you're not alone. There are tons of LGBT people out there, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
  • Question
    How can I find somebody if I'm really unlucky with love?
    Community Answer
    Look online, or perhaps in your own area. Check out an LGBTQ+ youth group in your area (if you are young). Keep in mind that the cliche is often true - you find someone when you stop looking. Focus on yourself, cultivate good friendships, maybe volunteer for an LGBTQ+ related cause. Don't worry too much, it will happen for you.
  • Question
    What do I do if I have a gay crush on a friend, but don't want to tell because I don't want to lose the friendship?
    Community Answer
    You're going to have to make the call whether revealing your feelings is worth the risk of perhaps irreparably damaging the friendship (if your feeling are not reciprocated). If you tell him, you free yourself from the burden of holding back and from the unknown of how he'll respond. But, again, if his feelings are not reciprocated or if this revelation makes him really uncomfortable, things may never be the same.
  • Question
    How do I get him to touch my penis?
    Community Answer
    Be playful and flirty about it, jokingly ask him to touch it, joke about trading favors, etc. See where it goes from there. If he doesn't get the hint, he might not be ready, and it's time for a serious discussion.
  • Question
    I'm a 14 year old kid. I am secretly with guy in my class, but we are going to different high schools soon. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    It depends on your relationship. If you're dating him because you believe he's the only one that loves you, then you should probably just let go. But if you really truly love him, then he's worth fighting for.
  • Question
    I like this guy, but I'm not sure if he likes me back. He gives me a lot of eye contact, touches me, and stares at me.
    Community Answer
    Those are all pretty distinct signs that he likes you. If you haven't already, try doing those things back, especially casually touching him while you're talking. You could even say something mildly flirtatious (something as simple as "You look nice today" would be a good way to go) and see how he reacts. If he blushes or compliments you back, he almost definitely likes you.
  • Question
    How can I tell my girlfriend that I'm gay if we've been in a serious relationship for years?
    Community Answer
    You will have to have a serious, honest discussion with her. Tell her that while you do love her, your sexuality has changed over the years and you no longer feel attracted to women. Be clear that this is an issue about your sexuality and not issues in your relationships because by doing so, you may be able to preserve a friendship with her if you want to.
  • Question
    I'm about to turn 25 years old, and I've been single for the past 4 years. I've been cheated on a lot in the past, and I'm afraid to try and fall in love again. Where do I even begin?
    Community Answer
    It takes time to establish trust in another person. Examine the types of people you have been with in the past to see if there is a pattern of behavior in them, and seek someone with different qualities.
  • Question
    My straight best friend touched my penis during a party while I was sitting on his lap. Does this mean he likes me?
    Community Answer
    It depends on a lot of factors, like whether he was drunk, whether he did it on purpose or on accident, how he was behaving, etc. Really the only way to know for sure is to ask him.
  • Question
    A straight guy (my best friend) touched my penis at a gathering while I was seated on his lap (he placed me on his lap). What does that mean?
    Community Answer
    It could mean any number of things. Maybe he was drunk and just goofing around, maybe he thinks you like him and he was teasing you, or maybe he has a crush on you and he is not so straight after all. All you really have to do is ask, "Hey bro, why'd you touch my penis the other night?"
  • Question
    How do I find a big guy for sexual pleasure?
    Tom De Backer
    Top Answerer
    It seems men are much more straightforward when it comes to finding sexual partners. If size matters to you, feel free to simply state this when you meet each other. Alternatively, ask your friends if they know anyone that might satisfy your particular criterium, and ask them to introduce you.
  • Question
    How can I have a second date with a bisexual man?
    Community Answer
    You can ask him whether or not he would like to go on a date with you, to which he will either answer yes or no.
  • Question
    I am a guy. If I think about guys a lot and I get nervous around them, am I gay?
    Community Answer
    It's hard to say for sure from that description. When you're thinking about guys, are you thinking about them romantically? Do you think about holding hands with a guy, touching him, kissing him, etc.? If so, then you're probably gay or bisexual. If not, maybe you're just shy or a little anxious.
  • Question
    Should I try to go for a very attractive man that I like who is straight?
    Community Answer
    Well, if you know that he's 100% straight, then there is no point in trying. If you have any doubts you should just talk to him.
  • Question
    How do I tell a guy I like him (coming from a guy)?
    Community Answer
    First be calm and pay close attention to his body language and facial expressions. Tell him you like him, and if he seems receptive, tell him it goes further than just a friend thing. If he seems uncomfortable, tell him he's a good friend and leave it at that.
  • Question
    I enjoy talking with guys, but never did anything, am I curious or gay?
    Belle K.
    Top Answerer
    Even without experience you can be gay. So if you feel romantically interested in men, and only men, then you are gay. You're the only one who can choose how you identify, though, so it's up to you.
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