Q&A for How to Handle a Dramatic Sister in Law

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  • Question
    How do you calm down from drama?
    Fernando Campos
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Fernando Campos is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Founder of Avant-Garde Therapy in Davie, Florida. Fernando has over 11 years of experience and offers telehealth, individual therapy, couples counseling, teen therapy, and family therapy programs. He has worked as a community educator on the topics of intimate partner abuse and trauma, anger management, family engagement, and counseling within alternative education. He is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), Solution Focused Therapy, and BSFT (brief strategic family therapy). Fernando holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Nova Southeastern University.
    Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    Start by writing down exactly how you're feeling. In the middle of drama, our emotions can get heightened or suppressed and not be an accurate representation of how we really feel. It can also help to give yourself 10-15 minutes of self-soothing time to create a sense of calmness or tranquility within yourself. After this, you can decide if the drama is worth addressing or if you should just continue on and live your life.
  • Question
    How do I deal with a manipulative person?
    Community Answer
    Do not respond or talk to that person, it is not worth it, ignore them.
  • Question
    My S.I.L. is always asking questions about my family and my own personal life and I never know what to tell her. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Every time she asks, just tell her that they/you are doing well until she gets tired of hearing the same answer, believe me it works!
  • Question
    How do I deal with a snob SIL who makes faces at me when I'm being a goofball, and who thinks I'll never be good enough for her brother?
    Community Answer
    Feel confident in the knowledge you somehow make her feel threatened, and know that her feeling that way has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities. Keep being the goofball you.
  • Question
    My sister in law resents me because before my partner and I started dating, we slept together (one night stand). Should I apologize to her?
    Community Answer
    What? No. That is absolutely none of her business or concern.
  • Question
    How should I handle being at an event with family that hasn't spoken to me for almost a year because an in-law was badmouthing me?
    Community Answer
    Is this your spouse's family event? If it is, I think that it should be up to him to speak to his family, lay the guidelines out for your attendance and let them know how much he loves you, and that if he has to choose sides he will. He needs to question how they feel about him, if they are making trouble for his spouse.
  • Question
    What should I do if my sister in law tells me to call or message her, but she never responds to my messages?
    Community Answer
    Don't waste your time anymore. Tell her if she wants to talk to you, she can call or message you and you will respond if you can.
  • Question
    My SILs have made my wedding into theirs since the day I asked them to be my bridesmaids. Now less than 3 months until my church ceremony (I will have another ceremony in Cancun), they tell me they are only walking in my Cancun ceremony, not the church one. I told them they walk both or neither. Is this right?
    Community Answer
    You're not wrong. If they can't support you in both, they shouldn't be in either of the weddings.
  • Question
    My sister-in-law is gossiping about me to my mother-in-law and my husband. She is always mimicking me and trying to downplay my achievements. Should I move to avoid her?
    Community Answer
    If you move, she will still most likely be at your home to visit her brother. If you decide to move, it should be because you want to and not because you're trying to avoid her. Try to discuss the issue with your husband and come up with some possible solutions. If you are comfortable in your marriage you don't need to allow your husband's family to scare you off.
  • Question
    My SIL leaves her kids at my house and it's getting out of hand. What can I do?
    Community Answer
    Talk to your husband about it. Let him talk to his sister about how she needs to watch her own kids.
  • Question
    My sister in law resents me because I married her brother the millionaire and I don't have to work. I have worked since I was 15 at two jobs most of the time for 10 years. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Tell her that you married her brother because you love him intensely and would do so whatever his financial status in the world. Tell her about how you've always worked hard in your life and are perfectly capable of doing so again in the future but that right now you are enjoying getting to know your husband better before starting a new work adventure some time in the future. Ask her what she expects of both her brother and you -- the answer might be very telling. At the end though, ignore her. She is jealous of what isn't rightly hers -- the fortune her brother's hard work amassed and it's up to him to make that aspect clear to her, not you.
  • Question
    How can I be sweeter and kinder around my S-I-L?
    Community Answer
    You already have the desire to be this way, so that's half the battle won. Realize that if she provokes you, ignores you or does anything else to be a challenge around you, that you're likely to feel frustrated, so you must learn to not react but to see things from her perspective and accept that she acts poorly for reasons that you can't change. Be a model of kindness but don't try too hard too long -- do it in short, sweet bursts, then clear out to recover!
  • Question
    How do I deal with a sister in law that is money hungry?
    Community Answer
    Never go to lunch or shopping with her. She will take advantage of your good will or will expect that you buy everything for her.
  • Question
    My sister-in-law moved a couple of blocks away from my husband and I and for months she's been stopping by almost every weekday after work, just in time for dinner. How can I put a stop to this?
    Community Answer
    If it's your husband's sister, you should let him handle this. Have him explain to her that as a couple, you need more one-on-one time with each other, and having a nightly visitor is more than you can handle. Schedule a weekly or bi-weekly dinner so she doesn't feel unwanted or left out.
  • Question
    My sister in law is defending her lying, drug addicted, thief of a son. My husband told her that we can't be around them anymore, and now they will not talk to me. How should I handle this?
    Community Answer
    If she refuses to acknowledge the fact that her son is the source of the rift in your family, there is really nothing you can do. Once she realizes that you made the move that was best for your family, she will come around to you again.
  • Question
    What can I say if my S-I-L cusses me out and my husband waits for his dad to get home?
    Community Answer
    Your husband and his sister seem to be stuck in a family tradition of getting dad to patch it all up when one of them misbehaves. The answer lies in recognizing that you can't change that silly stuck-in-the-past reaction they play out but you can certainly make it clear what you won't tolerate. Tell your S-I-L that she can speak politely to you or not at all but that you will not tolerate being spoken to rudely or meanly and that you expect an apology. Repeat this without explaining in any greater depth, keep it as a simple exercise in expecting polite speech toward you. Anything deeper needs to be resolved from your husband's end.
  • Question
    My sister-in-law spins anything that is said by me, my husband or our children (often innocently) and runs around telling the family. How can I deal with this?
    Community Answer
    Your family probably knows what she is like and takes what she says with a grain of salt. You could speak to her about how her gossip hurts you, or you and your family could just stop saying much around her.
  • Question
    I have a sister in law who is always interested in what my boyfriend is doing and wants his approval when it comes to her cooking. I feel like she includes everyone else and leaves me out. How do I set appropriate boundaries and put a stop to this?
    Community Answer
    Talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, and create boundaries together that you both can enforce when she is around.
  • Question
    My sister gets confrontational when she feels I don't communicate enough with her. What should I do?
    Community Answer
    Tell her you are unwell or busy. Keep saying this until she gets the message.
  • Question
    My boyfriend and I have decided that I should move in with him. We've been dating for the last six months and it's been absolutely wonderful. His sister now fell on hard times and she's younger than him and he decided that she should move in with us. Our relationship is strained due to her drama. What can I do?
    Community Answer
    You can't change people. You can try to adjust but the situation will not change until she finds her own place.
  • Question
    I have an annoying sister-in-law who insists on drawing attention to herself with a screeching laugh. How can I handle her during the three family events on the horizon in 2017?
    Community Answer
    Maybe you're being a bit unfair; the woman probably can't help the way she laughs. Try to be kind to her. If you need to, step outside for a few minutes.
  • Question
    How do I stop my sister in law from making fun of me?
    Community Answer
    Call her aside and tell her that is disrespectful and and she must stop now and permanently, or you will have to go to other members of the family and let them mediate.
  • Question
    How should I handle it when my SIL criticizes my husband in front of me?
    Community Answer
    Defend your husband and tell your SIL to stop being so critical of him. Don't be too harsh though or you risk causing a big fight. If you feel like this is a consistent issue, then find the time to talk to her privately and tell her that you don't appreciate how often she criticizes and makes rude comments about your husband.
  • Question
    What should I do if my sister in law is confrontational?
    Community Answer
    You should ask her why she is being confrontational, or try to avoid confrontational subjects with her at all times.
  • Question
    My sister-in-law is mean and narcissistic. 4 years ago she offered to help with my son's shower and wrote me a nasty, vicious letter afterwards. How can I set boundaries for her?
    Community Answer
    This description sounds like a sister-in-law that uses anger and manipulation to get what she wants. When brothers marry, some core family members can have a difficult time understanding and accepting that the family dynamics have changed. You and your husband need to set and enforce personal boundaries with consistency that will send a message that there is a line that cannot be crossed to prevent power struggles. When she tries to engage with you aggressively, ignore her and walk away.
  • Question
    How do I deal with my in-laws comparing my kids to their kids?
    Community Answer
    Just say, “There is no competition here. Kids develop at different rates.” Then leave it at that. Be diplomatic and neutral.
  • Question
    How do I deal with a sister-in-law who is obsessed with following a specific timetable?
    Community Answer
    Keep a routine for yourself and your family, and don't over commit to her timetable. Choose a few things to be a part of. Have your conversation planned out ahead of time so when she asks why you can't be following her timetable, you have your reasons prepared, i.e., the kids have homework, you have to run errands, you're meeting a friend, etc.
  • Question
    My sister-in-law was my schoolmate. I take care of her like my own sister, but she talked trash about my future husband. Can I cut her off?
    Community Answer
    You can, but are you sure you want to? Before you make any rash decisions, you should talk to your sister-in-law and ask her to avoid saying these things about your fiance in the future, or avoid talking about him at all if necessary. If she is unable to do so, then you might have to cut her off.
  • Question
    What do I do if someone posts a picture of me on Facebook that I don't like?
    Community Answer
    Ask them to remove it. If they refuse, you can flag the picture to alert Facebook that there is a picture of you on someone's page that you did not approve.
  • Question
    How should I handle someone who is rude to me all the time?
    Community Answer
    Follow the methods in Deal With Rude People .
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