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How do I get my partner to lighten up?

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW
Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator
Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a Certified Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Psychotherapist and Emotions Educator (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy based in New York City. With almost 20 years of experience, she specializes in helping people understand emotions and how they affect the mind through The Change Triangle tool. Hilary is also the author of It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self, which was the winner of the 2018 Best Book Award in the Mental Health/Psychology Category and the 2018 Silver Nautilus Award for Personal Growth (Large Publisher). Hilary has published articles in The New York Times, TIME magazine, Oprah.com, NBC Think, Salon.com, and Fox News. She was also the psychological consultant on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary is also the co-developer of the Emotions Education 101Turnkey Curriculum. She holds a BA in Biochemistry from Wesleyan University and a Master’s in Social Work from Fordham University.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW

Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator

Expert Answer

Encourage them to practice self-compassion. We live in a dysfunctional society that tells us we should get over something very quickly, or that we shouldn't feel our emotions or dwell on them. Remind your partner that it's more than okay to feel strong emotions about things—that realization might help clear away some of their guilt and shame.

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Question

Why do I feel so lazy and tired?

Erin Conlon, PCC, JD
Executive Life Coach
Erin Conlon is an Executive Life Coach, the Founder of Erin Conlon Coaching, and the host of the podcast "This is Not Advice." She specializes in aiding leaders and executives to thrive in their career and personal lives. In addition to her private coaching practice, she teaches and trains coaches and develops and revises training materials to be more diverse, equitable, and inclusive. She holds a BA in Communications and History and a JD from The University of Michigan. Erin is a Professional Certified Coach with The International Coaching Federation.

Erin Conlon, PCC, JD

Executive Life Coach

Expert Answer

If you're experiencing fatigue and a lack of productivity, try looking inward. Are you taking care of yourself? How is your well-being? Do you like what you do? If you don't like the work that you do, it's going to be really hard to be productive in it.

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Question

How do you tell someone such as your spouse that they probably need to lighten up?

Paul Chernyak, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.

Paul Chernyak, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

It's probably best to not tell them directly but to be lighter yourself around them and lead by example. Telling them would be similar to telling someone to smile when they don't feel like it. It would just be rude and create a more defensive attitude.

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Question

What can I do when I'm feeling down?

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW
Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator
Hilary Jacobs Hendel is a Certified Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) Psychotherapist and Emotions Educator (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy based in New York City. With almost 20 years of experience, she specializes in helping people understand emotions and how they affect the mind through The Change Triangle tool. Hilary is also the author of It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self, which was the winner of the 2018 Best Book Award in the Mental Health/Psychology Category and the 2018 Silver Nautilus Award for Personal Growth (Large Publisher). Hilary has published articles in The New York Times, TIME magazine, Oprah.com, NBC Think, Salon.com, and Fox News. She was also the psychological consultant on AMC’s Mad Men. Hilary is also the co-developer of the Emotions Education 101Turnkey Curriculum. She holds a BA in Biochemistry from Wesleyan University and a Master’s in Social Work from Fordham University.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW

Certified AEDP Psychotherapist & Emotions Educator

Expert Answer

Write a letter to the source of your negative feelings. Maybe your partner said something hurtful, or a family member irritated you—whatever the case, write out what you're feeling in the moment. Put your empathy and guilt aside and write until that raw emotion gets out.

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