Q&A for How to Make a Clean Comeback

You can say, "If I was dropped on my head, then you were thrown out a window."

Say, "Yeah, you were too, or are shortcuts the only skill you know?" Then walk away and smile.

You can respond with "I would most likely go to hell, but with you here, I'm already there."

"At least I'm growing up. Unlike you, who wants to keep being immature."

Tell them "Oh sorry, I think I accidentally used your perfume." I used that one a couple of times and it worked very well.

Own it. Say: "Yep, it's a bad hair day. Everyone has them. Although, I think you might be having a bad hair year." Then smile and laugh it off.

Say something like, "Oh, I was simply trying to imitate you."

You could say: "Wannabes get things done because they're always striving to better themselves". Or, "At least I am trying to improve myself, you suffer from the delusion of thinking you're perfect." Or, "Well, you are my inspiration." Or, "Do I get bonus points for looking like I care what you think?" Or, ignore the comment, laugh and walk away.

You can say, "I'm sure that 90% of your 'beauty' can be removed with a Kleenex."

Reply "You first" or "Why? Because I'm saying things you can't even come up with?"

"Quick check your nose, I just found it in my business." "You have a spot on your chin. Oops not there, the third one down." It's better people thinking you're stupid than opening your mouth and proving it.

"Wow! Kudos to your body for putting up with you for that long!"

You've won. All he can do is splutter. Turn on your heel and walk away satisfied, with dignity. You could even wipe your hands as you leave, as a display of being done and dusted with him.

Say, ''Trash is supposed to smell. You know. Like you.'' How you say it is what will really hurt, so say it calmly. Say it in a way a teacher would say when explaining something to a kid in class.

"You need to buy XXXXXL, everyone's skinny compared to you."

Call him a lily white racist or a Nazi. Don't let it bother you. Racists are generally just angry because they're huge losers and they're looking for someone else to blame for their problems. If it really upsets you, tell a teacher, he'll probably get in pretty serious trouble for saying that.

You could say, "I'm sorry, I'm not a mirror." For extra effect, you can walk away and laugh while brushing your hands off, as if you just shook off their hate.

No. It's never wise to bring up tender subjects in arguments with people you care about. That's much more likely to cause an explosive and possibly irreparable argument between you.

Are they really your friends? Don't waste your time if they aren't. If you want a comeback, just say "Further proof that sarcasm is a byproduct of immaturity. Oops!" Then walk away.

Say "I know who I like and I know who I don't like, you." Or you can say "keep writing that make believe story of yours, maybe someday you'll get the booker's prize." and turn your back and walk away, brush your hands together like you are finished with them.

"Look who's talking" is a pretty good option.

Say, "Earth already has enough small minded people, go home," and walk away like a boss.

You can say, "I'm not identical to anyone else; if that makes me a freak, then you're one, too." Or, "I'd rather be a freak than have freakishly bad manners like you."

"Have you looked at your mom? Don't even let me get started." "Do you know my mom?" "NO" "Then do not talk about her!"

Say something like "When did we become friends?" or "I don't remember accepting your request".

If they're short, say something like "I'm surprised you can see it from down there". If they're tall, maybe try "I'm sorry to bother you, sir".

You could be like, “An argument is like getting arrested, you know your words can and will be used against you.” Then don’t talk to them at all. Later on in the day, if they get annoyed that you won’t speak, tell them (sarcastically), “I thought you said shut up, I shut up for the whole day and now you’re saying I’m annoying you by not speaking, wow!”

"And why are YOU out of all people telling me this?" Then just smile and walk away.

This depends on the context. If the person is manipulative and always uses this phrase as a ruse to get you to pay them major amounts of attention, call their bluff. Just say, "Okay, I will", then promptly forget it. They asked that you do, after all. If it really matters, they'll explain themselves better. If you're a parent, friend or spouse though, instead you could say: "I won't forget it but we will discuss this later when you have had some time to think through what's bothering you." Then give the person some space and talk later. Remind them at a more appropriate time that it's time for a chat.

You can say something like, "I would prefer to be poor and hardworking, rather than rich and spoiled."