How to React when a Narcissist Blames You for Their Problems

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Hold them accountable for their actions while avoiding a major blow-up
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Does the narcissistic person in your life always have something to blame you for? Narcissism can make it hard for people to accept responsibility for their actions, so they may accuse other people in their lives instead, usually due to insecurity. [1] Know that having narcissistic tendencies doesn’t automatically mean someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a licensed professional can diagnose NPD. [2] But whether you’re dealing with a clinical narcissist or just someone with toxic habits, there are techniques that can help you respond when they blame you for their own mistakes and avoid a big blow-up. Keep reading to learn more.

1

Stay calm.

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    As hard as it might be, take a few deep breaths and count to 10 before you respond. The calmer you can remain for the whole interaction, the faster you can defuse it and walk away. Narcissists create drama because they thrive on getting a desired response from you. Try to limit your responses to their actions: your reactions only serve to feed their ego and encourage their behaviour . [3]
    • A narcissistic person might also try to catch you off guard, coming up to you and yelling when you least expect it. Take a second to take a deep breath in before responding.
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2

Tell them you disagree, but don’t argue.

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    Instead, tell them that you don’t agree with what they’re saying, but do it calmly and without raising your voice so it doesn’t sound like an attack. They’re blaming you to try and instigate a fight—don’t let them. [4]
    • “I’m not quite sure that’s the way it happened.”
    • “I think we understood that message a little differently.”
    • “I don’t remember it quite like that.”
3

Ignore them if you can.

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    If you can, try removing yourself from the conversation or ignoring them completely. Hopefully, they’ll realize that you don’t want to talk about the issue, and they’ll move on to something else. [5]
    • This works really well if this person is texting or calling you to blame you about something. You can simply hang up the phone or leave them on read to avoid a confrontation. Learning to delay your responses to their calls and texts, or avoid responding altogether, will help avoid feeding their behaviour.
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4

Empathize with them.

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    When you empathize with a narcissistic person, you make them feel special and cared for. Tell them that whatever they’re blaming you for must be tough to deal with—don’t accept the blame, but let them know that you get why they’re emotional about it. [6]
    • “It’s tough when you show up late for work. That must have been irritating to deal with.”
    • “You must have been disappointed when you realized the store was closed. I understand why you’re angry.”
    • It's important to acknowledge your own part in what is happening and do your best to really try to see what might be happening inside the other person. [7]
    • Try to be assertive and keep your own sense of self. Calmly communicate how their actions impact you and how it makes you feel. [8]
Quiz

wikiHow Quiz: Am I Dating a Narcissist?

Only a mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder), but there are plenty of red flags you can look out for. Take this quiz to find out where you stand.
1 of 12

How did they act when you first started dating?

5

Offer to help fix the problem.

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    Again, you don’t need to actually accept any of the blame, but you can offer your assistance in helping the other person calm down. Oftentimes, helping them out will be enough to defuse the situation and take the blame off you. [9]
    • “I’ll help you look for your keys. I’m sure they’re around here somewhere.”
    • “Do you want me to call your doctor and reschedule for next week?”
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6

Use “we” statements.

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    You may have to concede slightly and include yourself in the behavior, but many narcissistic people respond well if you offer to shoulder some of the responsibility. Frame it as a problem that you both need to tackle, not just them. [10]
    • “I think we got off track somehow. Can we start over? Fighting like this isn’t good for us.”
    • “I’m sorry that we misunderstood each other. Let’s be better about communicating next time.”
7

Set boundaries.

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    You might not be able to get them to stop blaming you forever, but you can at least get them to stop yelling or calling you names. Set your boundaries and remain firm with them to keep your inner peace alive. [11]
    • “I don’t appreciate the way that you yelled at me today. Next time, bring things up in a calm way, or we won’t be having a conversation.”
    • “It’s fine to disagree with me, but you can’t call me names. If you disrespect me again, I’m leaving.”
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8

Change the subject.

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    If you’re having trouble deescalating the situation, switch the topic to something this person loves. You might ask them about their hobbies, their job, or what they’ve been up to lately. If they weren’t super worked up in the first place, this might be enough to get them to stop blaming you for things you aren’t responsible for. [12]
    • “You know so much about finances. Could you give me some advice on my portfolio?”
    • “I was thinking about buying a new car. Is Toyota a good brand?”
9

Move on instead of insisting they apologize.

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    Unfortunately, you can’t force them to apologize to you, even when they really should. Try to move on and put the conversation behind you; otherwise, you could spend forever talking in circles. [13]
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10

Keep your own self-worth in mind.

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    When you’ve been blamed for something you didn’t do, you may start to believe you’re at fault, even though it’s not true. Always remember who you are, and don’t let anyone make you think any differently about yourself. [14]
    • Try repeating a mantra to yourself, like, “I am brave, I am strong, I am kind.”
11

Distance yourself if you can.

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    If this person keeps blaming you for every small thing that goes wrong, it might be time to get some distance. [15] Find new friends, get out of the house often, and do things that you love to keep your spirits up.
    • If this person is your partner, try to urge them to go to therapy and get professional help. It’s the only way that your relationship will survive or thrive going forward.
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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about narcissism, check out our in-depth interview with Liana Georgoulis, PsyD .

      References

      1. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
      3. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-covert-narcissist-or-victim-parents-or-in-laws
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/liberation/2018/01/11-mandatory-rules-for-dealing-with-a-narcissist
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      7. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      8. ↑ Casey Lee. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Expert Interview. 20 June 2022.
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      2. ↑ Adam Dorsay, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker. Expert Interview. 11 April 2019.
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/how-de-escalate-fight-narcissist
      5. ↑ Liana Georgoulis, PsyD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 6 September 2018.
      6. ↑ Jay Reid, LPCC. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Expert Interview. 7 August 2020.
      7. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

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