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Learn the key to accepting your feelings and empowering yourself
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Do you ever feel like you have no problem validating your friends and loved ones but can’t seem to work up that positive energy for yourself? You’re not alone. Self-validation can be tricky, especially for people who struggle with things like self-doubt or imposter syndrome, but it’s never too late to start learning how to do it! Read on for a complete guide to self-validation, with tips on practicing it in your daily life and plenty of examples.
Things You Should Know
- Self-validation means accepting your feelings and experiences and reminding yourself that your emotions are valid without judgment.
- Use mindfulness when you practice self-validation. Identify and describe your emotions so you can pick up on what you’re feeling and why.
- Normalize your emotions and use affirmations to validate yourself. Say supportive things to yourself like, “My feelings matter,” and “I am worthy.”
Steps
Section 2 of 4:
How to Practice Self-Validation
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Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. Practicing mindfulness can help you slow down, figure out what you’re feeling in the moment, and validate those experiences. Practice observing and describing your thoughts to yourself, and ground yourself in the moment rather than pushing uncomfortable emotions away and ignoring them. When you’re present and attentive, it’s easier to start picking up on what you feel. [2] X Research source
- For example, feeling emotions like pain, anger, and hurt isn’t easy, but staying in the moment and recognizing those feelings can ultimately help you validate them.
- Avoiding emotions causes them to get worse over time, while acknowledging and confronting them makes those emotions easier to process.
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Reflect on your experiences to better understand them. Reflection is all about acknowledging emotions you felt, figuring out what triggered them, and recognizing your body’s reaction to those feelings to get to the bottom of the experience. Describe your internal experiences to yourself after the fact to ensure you know what you’re feeling and why. In turn, this makes it easier to understand your feelings .
- For example, if you got upset the other day, reflect on it. You might say something like, “I feel hurt and upset, and it started yesterday when my friend made fun of me.
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Guess your feelings when you’re unsure. It’s okay if you’re not always sure what you’re feeling, but it’s also important to get to the bottom of things as much as you can. So, if you don’t really know how to describe your feelings, take a guess to the best of your abilities. Consider the sensations in your body and what kind of reaction you want to have to make an informed guess. [3] X Research source
- For example, you might say something like, “My stomach is churning whenever I think about talking to my friend, so I think I might be afraid of confronting them.”
- You might also say, “I want to rip the phone out of my sibling’s hand and make them look at me, so I must be feeling frustrated and angry with them.”
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Use your personal history to validate yourself. Self-validation can be tough when you have trouble believing in yourself. To combat this, think back on instances where you succeeded at something to remind yourself of your true capabilities. You’re a strong and capable person, but it’s natural to need a refresher every so often! Keep a journal or list of your successes too, so you have an easy way to remind yourself. [4] X Research source
- For example, you might write, “I’m really great at job interviews, and I’ve aced important ones before. It’s normal for me to feel anxious, but I know what I’m doing, and I’ll be okay.”
- In some cases, you don’t even have to remember a success; simply validating your feelings by reminding yourself of a similar experience may help you feel better.
- For example, you might say, “It’s understandable for me to feel afraid of confrontation because my family growing up was very combative.”
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Normalize your feelings, both positive and negative. Normalizing simply means reminding yourself that you’re allowed to feel different emotions. When feeling intense emotions, you might assume your reaction isn’t normal—but truthfully, it’s all part of the human experience. Reassure yourself that it’s okay to feel hurt, angry, sad, ashamed, or any other emotion—and that other people would likely feel the same in your place.
- For example, you might catch yourself thinking, “Why am I so upset at my friends for canceling lunch? I’m so dramatic!” Stop that train of thought and normalize your feelings instead.
- Instead, say something like, “It’s okay for me to feel disappointed. I was excited to see my friends, and anybody would be disappointed in this situation.”
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Practice radical genuineness and be honest with yourself. Being yourself is one of the most important forms of self-validation, just as denying who you are can be intensely invalidating. So be honest and acknowledge both your virtues and shortcomings. Remember, your self-worth shouldn’t be built on trying to be as flawless as possible; it should be about accepting the person you are. [5] X Research source
- It’s important to own up to the emotions you’re not proud of. For example, you might say, “Yes, I feel jealous of my friend’s promotion. It’s a normal feeling, and now that I’ve acknowledged it, I’m going to focus on congratulating them.”
- Validate the good parts of yourself too! For example, you might say, “I’m a great artist, and I work really hard at getting the recognition I deserve. I don’t need to be perfect to be really talented.”
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Accept your feelings without over-identifying with them. An important part of validation is remembering that you aren’t your feelings, nor are you the things you do. Remind yourself that your feelings don’t define you; you may feel intense emotions at times, and that’s okay, but those feelings will never dictate who you are. Emotions are temporary, and eventually, they pass. [6] X Research source
- Practice saying “I feel” rather than “I am” when describing your feelings to reinforce the fact that they don’t define you.
- For example, say, “I feel angry about this,” rather than saying, “I’m an angry person.”
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Use self-care to remind yourself that you deserve good things. Sometimes, validation is as simple as taking care of yourself! When self-love and validation don’t come easily to you, taking care of yourself might also be something you naturally consider. So, make an effort to practice self-care regularly and do things that make you feel happy and healthy. [7] X Trustworthy Source National Institute of Mental Health Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness. Go to source
- Self-care can be anything from eating well and exercising to treating yourself to a luxurious spa day or spending a day by yourself doing a hobby you love.
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Talk to yourself like a friend. Ask yourself what kind of affirmations you’d normally look for from your friends and family—and take the initiative by giving yourself that validation instead. Tell yourself the supportive things you’d tell a friend without a second thought, and give yourself the love you’ve always needed from others. Remember: be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible. [8] X Research source
- For example, you might rely on friends to say they’re proud of your accomplishments—so do it yourself instead. Say, “I’ve made a lot of progress, and I’m really proud of myself!”
- If self-validation is difficult for you, try picturing yourself as a small child and talking as though you’re addressing your younger self. Adapting that mindset can make it easier to show yourself the compassion you deserve.
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References
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-16687-001
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/sites/default/files/2021-03/self-validation.pdf
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/sites/default/files/2021-03/self-validation.pdf
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/sites/default/files/2021-03/self-validation.pdf
- ↑ https://www.dartmouth-hitchcock.org/sites/default/files/2021-03/self-validation.pdf
- ↑ https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/more-than-a-feeling-how-over-identification-gets-in-the-way-0223164
- ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/caring-for-your-mental-health
- ↑ https://alittlecounseling.com/blog/2022-02-28-start-validating-yourself/
- ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/do-positive-affirmations-work/
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