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Sensing the attraction between friends, co-workers, & more
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Have you ever locked eyes with a stranger, a classmate, or a co-worker and felt an immediate spark? Odds are you’re experiencing some sexual tension. In this article, we’ll give you a comprehensive guide to identifying sexual tension. We’ll go over plenty of examples to confirm the vibe is right, and offer expert advice on how to move forward. Keep reading to help recognize that enchanting feeling in the air.
This article is based on an interview with our certified professional matchmaker, LeTisha Underwood. Check out the full interview here.
Things You Should Know
- Sexual tension exists when you feel a strong attraction to someone, but something prevents you from taking your relationship to the next level.
- Common signs of sexual tension are: flirting, intense eye contact, smiling, physical touch, and that feeling of electricity in the air or butterflies in your stomach.
- If you have chemistry with someone but aren’t sure how to proceed, discuss your attraction to each other openly; clear communication always helps.
Steps
Section 1 of 3:
Signs of Sexual Tension
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You’re constantly making eye contact. Eye contact is arguably the biggest indicator of sexual tension. If you’re into someone, you’ll often find you can’t look away from them. You’re constantly meeting each other’s gaze, whether you’re having a conversation or not. [1] X Research source
- Eye contact can be a quick, mutual glance at one another or a long, soft stare. Usually, the longer and more frequent, the greater the sexual tension.
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You’re blushing and making adorably awkward conversation. Whether it’s the adrenaline or the fear of saying the wrong thing, sexual tension can often lead to embarrassment. If you or the person you’re into has flushed cheeks or is shyly stumbling over their words, it’s a sign you’re putting a lot of stake into how you come across, which probably means you like each other. [2] X Research source
- Blushing is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s usually pretty cute and endearing! However, if you feel like it’s causing your body temperature to rise too high, try breathing slowly and deeply to bring your pulse back down.
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You can’t stop smiling around each other. If you can’t help but beam when you’re talking to someone, that’s a good indicator that you really like them. Also, if you notice the other person’s expression brighten when they see you, odds are they’re into you too. Experts show our mood improves when we see people we like. [3] X Research source
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You’re constantly flirting. This one should go without saying, but if you’re constantly making flirty comments to each other, laughing too loudly at each other’s jokes, or throwing awkward compliments in each other’s direction, this flirtation means you’re attracted to each other.
- To detect if someone is flirting , look at their body language and how they act around you, compared to other people. Do they joke more around you? Prioritize your feelings over others? Do you notice their pupils dilating? If the answer is yes, odds are they’re interested. [4] X Research source
- If someone’s flirting with you and you're not interested, shut it down by kindly but firmly expressing you’d like them to stop. You might say “That’s sweet, but I only see you as a friend” or “Thanks, but I’m not interested in you that way.” [5] X Research source
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The air around you feels heavy. Oftentimes, when you’re experiencing sexual tension, you feel like you’re the only two people in the room. A conversation with them invokes a completely different vibe and it feels like there’s a heavier, more powerful undercurrent to everything you say. This is likely due to your heightened senses, and our senses intensify around people we’re attracted to. [6] X Research source
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You keep touching each other. You’ll probably say it’s accidental, but if you keep brushing against each other’s legs, hugging for longer than normal, or finding excuses to hold each other’s hands, there’s a reason for that. You’re trying to find ways to get physical as a release valve for your sexual tension. [7] X Research source
- To subtly flirt using touch, try resting your hand on the person’s shoulder or touching their arm the next time you laugh at their joke. If they don’t pull away, they’re comfortable and likely interested. [8] X Research source
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You’re constantly finding ways to get close to each other. If you notice yourselves leaning in during conversations or you constantly wind up next to each other in group settings, this means you’re trying to increase the intimacy between you two, which is a major sign of sexual tension.
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You’re always playfully teasing each other. Playfully teasing someone is a common flirtation tactic. If you have silly nicknames for each other, you like to push each other around, or you make lighthearted jokes about each other’s habits, it means you take special notice of each other and there’s a reason for that (spelled A-T-T-R-A-C-T-I-O-N). [9] X Research source
- Know the other person’s boundaries when you tease them. While gentle ribbing is fun and flirty, avoid things the other person might actually be sensitive about like their appearance, their friends, or their family. [10] X Research source
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You get butterflies in your stomach. When you see someone you like, your heart rate is likely to increase, which can make it feel like your stomach is fluttering. In addition, lust and excitement stimulate the vagus nerve, which activates your gut and makes you feel all swoony in your stomach. [11] X Research source
- If you feel like your heart is beating too fast or the “butterflies” upset your tummy, you can slow your heart rate and calm the vagus nerve with the Valsalva maneuver. To perform this maneuver, take a deep breath and tighten your abdomen for about 5 seconds. Then, exhale. [12] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
- It may help if you briefly excuse yourself to calm yourself down or do some deep breathing.
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Your palms become sweaty. Studies have shown that sweaty palms are a telltale sign of attraction. [13] X Research source Take notice of how your hands feel around the person you’re attracted to, compared to platonic friends. If your palms feel like they could put Eminem's lyrics to shame, your heart rate is likely increasing with excitement.
- Everybody gets sweaty palms now and again, and most people rarely notice. However, if you’re feeling self-conscious, just bring a napkin with you to wipe your hands and prevent them from getting too wet .
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Other people pick up on your compatibility. If your friends, co-workers, or (especially) strangers mention that there’s a clear chemistry between you two, trust their feedback. Your sexual tension is so palpable, others are taking notice. [14] X Research source
- Usually, these types of comments are good-natured. However, if people talking to you about your chemistry with someone else makes you uncomfortable, just politely express that you’d rather they keep it to themselves.
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Your dress better in each other’s presence. If your crush usually rocks sweats and a hoodie, but, for your recent hangouts, they’ve been pulling out their Sunday’s best, this is a surefire sign there’s some sexual tension. They want to go the extra mile to look hot for you because there’s an energy between you two that makes them feel as cute as they look. [15] X Research source
- While you want to look nice for someone you’re romantically connecting with, dress appropriately for the place you’re meeting. For example, a suit or ball gown might be a bit much for coffee, but you can still stand out with a new haircut or clean pair of kicks.
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Your voices change around each other. Oftentimes, we change our speech patterns to match the person we’re interested in without even realizing it. If you and the person you’re digging start speaking with the same cadence or use similar expressions, this is a sign there’s some real magic in the air between you two. [16] X Research source
- The pitch of our voice can change when we like someone too. For example, men tend to talk in a lower vocal range when they’re attracted to someone. [17] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
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Section 2 of 3:
Dealing With Sexual Tension
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Talk about your attraction to the other person. The healthiest way to deal with sexual tension is to openly communicate how you feel. By being open about your attraction to each other, you prevent your behaviors from being misinterpreted and can clearly assess what the other person wants. Discuss if you’d like to pursue this further or if you’d like this to stop and why. While it may seem awkward at first, clearing the air is the best way to determine if this flirting can actually go anywhere. [18] X Research source
- During this conversation, explain your expectations for your relationship too. For example, you may just be interested in a casual fling while they may be looking for a real relationship. Discussing this before jumping into anything will prevent conflict down the road.
- Find the right time to have this conversation. Ideally, bring it up face-to-face in a fairly private spot where you two can talk about your feelings freely.
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If you think getting intimate would be fun and good for you, go for it! If you trust the other person and feel like advancing your relationship would be worth it, give it a shot. You don’t have to jump into anything super intense or physical at first, either. Start by asking your crush on a date or giving them an innocent kiss. In fact, you’ll notice that just being in each other’s presence once you know you like each other can skyrocket your relationship to new heights. [19] X Research source
- Check in regularly to ensure you like where things are headed. Sometimes, once the sexual tension disappears, you realize there’s not as much chemistry as you initially thought. However, other times, the tension is just the tip of the iceberg. The only way to tell is to give it a shot!
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Express if and when the flirting needs to stop. Maybe one of you is taken. Maybe you have a volatile history together, or maybe you’re just not in the place to be with somebody right now. Whatever the case, kindly but firmly express to the other person that you’ve picked up on some sexual tension, but you will not be acting on it. [20] X Research source
- If you two don’t think you can hang out platonically, you may have to reduce the amount of time you spend together, too.
- Sexual tension with the wrong person is nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t change who you’re attracted to. However, if you’re in a committed relationship and experience more sexual tension with this person than your current partner, examine why this is and what may be missing from your current love life.
- Try making a list of your wants and needs for a relationship. Then, assess if your current partner is meeting those needs. If they’re not, tell them how they can be more attentive.
- Reader Poll: We asked 880 wikiHow readers and 52% of them agreed that the best way to handle a married person showing sexual attraction to you is by distancing yourself and avoiding any further interactions . [Take Poll]
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Allow it to linger if you’re enjoying it and unsure what to do yet. Sometimes, the sexual tension is just as exciting as acting on it. If you’re not sure how you want to proceed with this person, but you enjoy the playful flirting and electricity in the air, then let things stay as they are for now. Enjoy the attraction for what it is. Why rush something you’re not yet ready for? As long as it’s harmless and you both enjoy it, flirting can reduce stress. [21] X Trustworthy Source Science Direct Online archive of peer-reviewed research on scientific, technical and medical topics Go to source
- If you’re unsure about whether or not you’re attracted to someone, reflect on how you feel about them . Do you find yourself thinking about them often when they’re not around? Do you light up when someone mentions their name? If you do, you’re probably crushing at least a little.
- Hint: if you read this article with a specific person in mind, that’s a pretty strong sign that, yes, you’re interested in them.
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Expert Interview
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References
- ↑ https://udayton.edu/blogs/momentum/2019/2/r-matthew-montoya-attraction-indicators.php
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intense-emotions-and-strong-feelings/201412/how-blushing-exposes-you-and-benefits-you
- ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-20764-001
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- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/incredible-sexual-tension/
- ↑ https://digitalcommons.bucknell.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2348&context=fac_journ
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a36329/how-to-flirt/?slide=3
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/202108/so-you-want-impress-her-make-her-laugh
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/loving-bravely/201906/can-t-you-take-joke-what-do-when-teasing-hurts
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/1996/01/23/science/complex-and-hidden-brain-in-gut-makes-stomachaches-and-butterflies.html
- ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15039691/
- ↑ https://phys.org/news/2021-11-heart-synchronization-palm.html
- ↑ ​​ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/incredible-sexual-tension/
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/incredible-sexual-tension/
- ↑ https://www.psypost.org/2017/08/study-finds-can-tell-someone-attracted-voice-49567
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513814000786?via%3Dihub
- ↑ https://www.glamour.com/story/what-are-we-dating-tips
- ↑ https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/health-safety-wellness/counseling/self_care/healthy_relationships/10_tips_for_health_relationships
- ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/can-tell-someone-youre-not-interested-without-hurting-feelings-lbkr/
- ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0749597818310173# !
- ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/incredible-sexual-tension/
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