How to Show Support to a Transgender Family Member

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: June 24, 2022 Approved

When a friend or family member discloses that they are transgender, it can be difficult to know how to best support them. Many allies are unsure how to effectively support a friend or family member who discloses their gender identity. Conflict can arise for a variety of reasons, including embarrassment when discussing gender topics, a lack of understanding of terminology, or a desire not to offend. With that in mind, here are some ways to help someone you care about who is trans.

Steps

1
Listen carefully and trust their experience. Every trans person's gender transition and experience is unique. It is a gift when a trans person shares their story with you. It shows they have faith in you enough to disclose something so personal with you. And it's possible that their experience will differ from your expectations. There is no "correct" way to be trans or to transition. Every transgender persons story is different. Avoid telling your family member that they aren't transitioning 'correctly' or that they are 'doing it wrong'. ^{[1]
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- Listen to them without judgement. ^{[2]
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- Ensure they feel safe and can be themselves. ^{[3]
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- You can thank them for choosing you as a person to come out. Tell them you want to support them and ask what you can do for them. ^{[4]
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The only way to figure out how someone identifies is to listen to how they talk about themselves. To be supportive, you don't need to know all the phrases associated with transgender people; all you need to do is respect and try to use the ones their friend or loved one chooses. Some folks have a word with which they are quite familiar. They may believe, for example, that the umbrella term trans best describes them. Transgender, trans man, trans woman, female-to-male (FTM), male-to-female (MTF), and nonbinary are some of the other terms they might use. ^{[5]
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3
Do research. If you want to learn more about trans identities in general, straightforward research is the easiest way to go. Your acquaintance may not want to teach others about their experience, just as it is not your obligation to inform others what it's like to be your identity. It's never okay to ask anyone (including a trans person) intimate questions about their body or sexuality unless they directly welcome you to do so. This isn't to say that being curious or wanting to learn more is a bad thing. ^{[6]
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- Fortunately, we have a wealth of excellent resources at our disposal. Many trans activists use YouTube to upload video blogs about their personal experiences as well as to answer questions from individuals who are simply curious.
4
Get the support you need. When you find out that someone you care about is transgender, it can trigger a lot of emotions, especially if it's a close family member like a child or parent. It's fine to have all of those emotions, and it's critical that you get the help you need to sort them out and understand your personal experience. Your family member or acquaintance may not be able to provide you with this type of support. ^{[7]
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- Working with their own therapist or connecting with groups like Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and TransYouth Family Allies. Making an appointment with a therapist is a good place to start.
5
Make an effort to be an ally. Trans family members and friends rely on you to assist them in creating a secure and welcoming environment for persons of all gender identities. Medical providers, schools, employers, housing, places of worship, and family frequently oppress and discriminate trans persons. ^{[8]
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- Being an ally is recognizing and fighting transphobia and ignorance in yourself and the environment around you on a regular basis. This can include things like informing someone a joke isn't funny, asking a trans friend what they need when someone uses the wrong name or pronoun, and attending events and protests in favor of trans people's rights. ^{[9]
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Show respect. This means using the pronouns and (new) name your family member requests, not outing them, and treating them equally and with dignity. ^{[10]
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Question

My little brother is transgender and becoming a girl. I love her, but I don't want to have a sister! I'm a boy and I've always wanted a brother. How do I be supportive?

Community Answer

You need to understand that she is still the same person she was before her transition. She did not change in a fundamental way, she is just becoming on the outside who she always was on the inside. She can still talk about things with you, if she played sports with you before, she'll still be able to do that. Also, try to remember that this transition is harder on her than it is on you.

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I am a HUGE LGBT supporter, but I keep thinking a celebrity I have a crush on is trans. He's not, because he confirmed it, but I still cant help but wonder about it. How can I stop thinking about it?

Community Answer

Remind yourself that someone's gender identity is none of your business. Also, ask yourself why you care. Maybe he's trans, maybe he isn't. Does this really have any effect on your life?

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My dad recently came out as transgender, and I recently came out too! (Also as transgender!) However, I have trouble talking to him about it, what should I do?

Community Answer

If you really can't talk to him, don't force it. Let the topic come up naturally to avoid any awkward situations. If it becomes really important, you will feel the need to tell him and it may just come out naturally anyway! Likely you are both feeling the same way, so just be open and honest.

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