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Think he's no longer interested? Here are 15 ways to tell
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This article was co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes.
There are 10 references
cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
This article has been fact-checked, ensuring the accuracy of any cited facts and confirming the authority of its sources.
This article has been viewed 27,382 times.
Do you get the feeling that your partner might not be sexually attracted to you anymore? That can feels so tough and hurtful, but we're here to help. Oftentimes, there are ways to reignite the spark, and we're walking you through them below. Read on to learn about all of the clear signs that he's not interested in you sexually, as well as ways to address each of them and get your relationship back on track.
Steps
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Flirting is a way to express desire, so when desire goes, flirting might too. When you're first getting to know each other, flirting helps you communicate your sexual or romantic interest in each other. But as the two of you become more familiar with each other, the flirting can fall by the wayside. While it could mean he's no longer interested in you sexually, it could also simply be a sign that you two are getting more comfortable with each other, which is natural. [1] X Research source
- Examples: He doesn't respond to your flirty banter; when you say something silly or flirtatious he tells you to focus or be serious; he never compliments your appearance.
- What to do about it: Step out of your comfort zone with something spontaneous and romantic, such as by planning a short getaway. Even wearing a different outfit or changing your hairstyle can shake things up and get his motor revving again.
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When he's checked out emotionally your relationship loses intimacy. Physical intimacy is about more than just sex. Non-sexual physical touch makes you feel loved by and attractive to him. When that physical affection goes away, it can leave you feeling rejected and alone. If he used to be physically affectionate and that has changed, it could mean he's no longer sexually interested. [2] X Research source
- Examples: He doesn't hug you or kiss you when he leaves home or returns; he doesn't touch you when he passes by you; he doesn't sit close to you when the two of you are alone together.
- What to do about it: Talk about your emotional connection separately from the loss of physical intimacy. Find out if there's something troubling him emotionally that might be causing him to pull away. It might not even have anything to do with you! But you won't know until you ask. Then, you can try to solve things together.
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Pet names are can signal affection and connection. Oftentimes, they suggest that a relationship is close and intimate. He likely started using that name when you first got together and started having strong feelings for each other. The fact that he no longer uses it could indicate that he doesn't feel the same way about you as he did when he started using it. [3] X Research source
- Examples: He answers the phone when you call by saying "hi" or using your first name; he doesn't add the pet name onto questions he asks you; he doesn't call you by a pet name when you hug or kiss him.
- What to do about it: A simple question is typically the best way to address this. You might say, "I've noticed you don't call me 'baby' anymore. I really liked that. Has something changed to make you stop?" It could lead to a deeper conversation, or maybe it wasn't a big deal at all.
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He changes the subject when you bring up sex. A lot of the time, sex is a big part of a relationship, and it's an activity that both partners enjoy and participate in—so it usually makes sense that you'd both want to talk about it a lot! If you try to bring it up and he shies away from the topic, gives vague answers, or changes the subject, he might be losing interest.
- Examples: You text him a sexy meme and he leaves it on "read;" you ask if the two of you might have sex later and he starts talking about what you're going to have for dinner; you mention one of his favorite fantasies and he says "not now."
- What to do about it: Talk about sex together. A lot of things can effect sex drives, like mental health and medications. You might find that this has nothing to do with you, or if some deeper issues emerge, now you can address them head on. For example, you might book time with a sex therapist!
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He starts spending most of his time away from home. If you find that he's making excuses a lot about when he's coming home or going out often with friends, it could signal a bigger issue. In general, when one partner starts doing their best to stay away from the other, it's a sign that there's a disconnection at play. This could be emotional or physical, but either way, the first step will be to speak to him about what's going on. [4] X Research source
- Examples: He goes out right after dinner and tells you not to wait up; he calls to say he has to stay late at work several nights in a row; he claims a friend has a crisis and he has to leave immediately to help them.
- What to do about it: Talk to him about scheduling a date night specifically so the two of you can spend some time alone together. Plan a relaxing evening in rather than trying to go out somewhere. It might be that the two of you are just out of sync, and this could be the perfect way to find your stride again.
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He could be under a lot of stress and that's affecting his desire. If he actually is super busy, the stress levels could have a negative effect on his libido. Even when he's not busy, if he's under a lot of stress it can still take its toll. This is still the kind of issue that you'll want to address, even though it's unlikely to be permanent; after all, for most couples, intimacy is important! [5] X Research source
- Examples: He goes to work early most days and stays late; he brings work home to do in the evenings; he picks up a new hobby or activity that takes up most of his free time.
- What to do about it: If he's busy with something that you can help with, offer to help him and take some of the weight off his shoulders. If you can't help, talk to him and offer to do other things, such as more household chores, so he has less to worry about. Sometimes, the simple supportive gesture can work wonders, too!
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Refusing to make eye contact could signal he doesn't feel open to you. When you make eye contact with each other, you show that you're open and ready to communicate. If he's not willing to look you in the eyes, it could potentially mean that he's hiding something or just that he no longer feels comfortable being that intimately connected to you. [6] X Research source
- Examples: When you're talking he looks down or looks away; when you come into the room he becomes engrossed in his phone; he pretends to be interested in something so he doesn't have to look at you.
- What to do about it: Ask him about it in a kind way and tell him that eye contact is important to you. You might say, "I feel as though you're not listening when you don't make eye contact with me. I would feel better if you didn't turn away when we're talking."
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He hasn't said or done anything to start a sexual interaction in a while. The frequency here depends on how often he initiated sex in the past, but if it's a noticeable drop, that could signal changes in his desire. While it could be something to do with the way he sees you, it could also be other issues, such as low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, [7] X Research source
- Examples: He rolls over when you go to bed rather than cuddling with you; he doesn't kiss you or touch you intimately when you're in bed together; he never mentions the possibility of having sex later.
- What to do about it: Try initiating sex yourself instead. Men like to feel wanted too, and if he used to initiate all the time, he might respond if you take the lead.
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He refuses to engage when you start something physical. Even if you normally initiate sex more than he does, if he's consistently turning you down, it's normal to feel hurt and rejected. It could be that he's simply not interested in sex at all at the moment for whatever reason, or it could be that he's no longer sexually attracted to you. It can be awful to have to sit and wonder if this is the case, but we've included a tip for getting to the bottom of the situation below. [8] X Research source
- Examples: When you mention having sex he says "not tonight;" you dress in lingerie and lay on the bed and he goes into the next room and watches TV until you fall asleep; you try to cuddle with him and he rolls over or moves you away.
- What to do about it: Try initiating sex at a different time than you normally do. For example, if you always initiate sex at night and he says he's tired, you might try starting something first thing in the morning after he's gotten a good rest.
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It seems as though he's in a hurry to just get it over with. There's nothing wrong with a spontaneous quickie, but if all of your sexual encounters are like that, it could be that he's just going through the motions. He's not taking his time to explore your body and give you pleasure, he just wants to finish so he can do something else. [9] X Research source
- Examples: He doesn't engage in foreplay; he pushes you away when you attempt to engage in foreplay; he's not interested in anything other than quick penetration.
- What to do about it: Ask him to slow down or tell him that you want to take your time and savor his body. You might offer to give him a massage to help him relax and get in the mood.
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He's no longer interested in keeping up his appearance. This can indicate that he's not interested in you sexually, or not interested in sexual activity at all. But it could also be the symptom of a deeper problem, such as depression. If he's going through a depressive episode, he might not have the energy or the motivation to do as much. [10] X Research source
- Examples: He goes to bed in the same ratty T-shirt several nights in a row; he doesn't wash up before going to bed; he skips showers some days.
- What to do about it: If you've noticed other signs of depression, such as sudden weight gain or loss, loss of interest in activities, or irritability, reach out to him. Let him know that you care and want to support him and encourage him to get help.
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Body image problems can lead to a lack of sexual desire. This is a classic "it's not you; it's me" type situation. If he's feeling uncomfortable with his body, he's not going to want to share it with you. And if he's feeling insecure or self-conscious about recent physical changes, he might be afraid that if you notice them, you'll lose attraction to him as well. [11] X Research source
- Examples: He changes clothes in the bathroom with the door shut; he leaves his shirt on while you're having sex; he used to sleep naked but now he sleeps in pajamas.
- What to do about it: Find an opportunity to tell him how attracted to him you are. If you reassure him that you still find him sexy even though his body has changed, he might be less self-conscious about it.
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If you live together, you don't go to bed together. If you normally have different sleeping schedules, this might not necessarily be a cause for concern. But if you've always gone to bed together and suddenly he's making excuses to stay up later (or go to bed sooner), he might be trying to avoid sex. This is especially likely if you always have sex at night before going to sleep. [12] X Research source
- Examples: He claims he's tired and goes to bed while you're still doing things; he stays up watching TV until you've fallen asleep; he gets up and goes to another room when you come to bed.
- What to do about it: Try initiating sex at a different time of the day. It could be that he's just really tired, or that he doesn't want to have sex at the end of the day. It doesn't necessarily have to be that you only have sex as the last thing at night.
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Suppressed anger or resentment can diminish his attraction to you. If the two of you are having relationship problems, that can definitely affect his sexual interest in you. While some people have no problem with "angry sex," others lose all desire if they're upset with their partner. [13] X Research source
- Examples: He makes sarcastic comments to you frequently; he starts petty arguments; he sighs and rolls his eyes a lot when you talk to him.
- What to do about it: Take the time to sit down together with no distractions and have an open and honest conversation about your relationship. Find out what the problems are and work together as a couple to find solutions. Going to couples counseling can also help.
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He criticizes your clothing, hair, or weight. If you're together for a while as a couple, your appearance is likely to change. Hopefully, these changes will be pleasing for both of you—but that's not always the case. If he's making negative comments, that's considered body-shaming and is actually a form of abuse. Regardless of his attraction to you sexually, take a stand and let him know that you won't put up with being treated this way. [14] X Research source
- Examples: He tells you that you're "too old" to wear the outfit you've chosen; he makes sarcastic comments when you mention ordering dessert; he makes insulting comments about the size of your thighs or waistline.
- What to do about it: Tell him directly how you feel when he makes these negative comments and that he needs to stop. If he continues to make negative comments, enforce your boundaries . Re-evaluate your relationship if the behavior doesn't stop.
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Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about sexuality, check out our in-depth interview with Jacqueline Hellyer .
References
- ↑ http://sexpositivepsychology.com.au/blog/2020/12/21/i-no-longer-find-my-partner-sexually-attractive
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202305/3-unspoken-truths-about-low-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201603/pet-names-between-couples-are-very-good-sign
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202212/the-strongest-signs-that-a-romance-is-over
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202305/frustrated-partners-when-sex-has-moved-to-the-back-burner
- ↑ https://www.betterup.com/blog/why-is-eye-contact-important
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202305/frustrated-partners-when-sex-has-moved-to-the-back-burner
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/202305/frustrated-partners-when-sex-has-moved-to-the-back-burner
- ↑ https://www.atlantatherapeuticcollective.com/post/what-to-do-when-your-husband-doesn-t-want-you-sexually-anymore
- ↑ https://www.atlantatherapeuticcollective.com/post/what-to-do-when-your-husband-doesn-t-want-you-sexually-anymore
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/low-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201909/should-couples-go-bed-the-same-time
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/low-sexual-desire
- ↑ https://oasis2care.com/body-image/body-shaming-within-relationships-what-to-do-when-your-partner-has-a-problem-with-your-body/
About This Article
This article was co-authored by Jacqueline Hellyer
and by wikiHow staff writer, Jennifer Mueller, JD
. Jacqueline Hellyer is a Licensed Psychosexual Therapist and the Founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. With over 20 years of experience, Jacqueline specializes in sex advice, sex tips, and relationship advice. In addition to being an accredited Psychosexual Therapist with the Society of Australian Sexologists (SAS), Jacqueline is also a Professional Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation (ICF). Jacqueline holds a BSc in Biochemistry and Human Sciences from The Australian National University, a Graduate Diploma in Applied Science from the University of Canberra, a BA in Languages and Literature from the University of New England (AU), an MSc in Sexual Health from The University of Sydney, and an MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology from The Alef Trust. Her work and expertise have been featured in Australian Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Australian Women’s Health, Marie Claire, and 60 Minutes. This article has been viewed 27,382 times.
9 votes - 45%
Co-authors: 4
Updated: September 18, 2023
Views: 27,382
Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 27,382 times.
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