How to Stop Worrying About Your Girlfriend's Past

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Learn to stop obsessing over your girlfriend’s past relationships
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Everyone’s got history, but sometimes your girlfriend’s history can get in the way of enjoying your life together, especially when you can’t stop wondering about or dwelling on it. But that doesn’t have to put your relationship in jeopardy, and you can still build a beautiful future together! We talked to clinical psychologist Dr. Philip Glickman and dating coach Connell Barrett to help you get your mind off your girl's past, explore your feelings, and bring them out into the open.

How to Get Over Your Girlfriend’s Past

  • Remember that everyone has history, and that your girlfriend’s history led her to you!
  • Talk to your girlfriend about what’s bothering you, and be an open and compassionate listener. She may offer more context that reframes the situation.
  • Focus on the things you love about your girlfriend, and on making a loving life with her now, in the present and in the future.
Section 1 of 5:

Is it normal to dwell on your girlfriend’s past relationships?

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  1. In fact, so many people get hung up on their partner's past that it has a name: retroactive jealousy . [1] This is a common issue in relationships, and is something your girlfriend may be struggling with as well. [2] Even if your relationship is otherwise going well, this feeling can linger. Bringing your feelings out into the open, while difficult, will be ultimately better for your relationship than keeping them hidden.
  2. Your girlfriend’s past isn’t something you should hold against her. Before you go any further, understand that your feelings are just that: yours. They’re not your girlfriend’s fault, or her responsibility, but that doesn’t mean they don’t matter or that you should bottle them up. [4]
    • Remember that everyone’s got history, and it’s that history that makes each of us who we are. Without it, your girlfriend wouldn’t be the same person.
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Section 2 of 5:

Getting Over Her Past

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  1. When you catch yourself thinking about her past, reframe those thoughts into the present. “Reframing” is when you take negative thoughts and give them a fresh perspective. [5] Recognize that you, or the two of you together, have something she never had in her past relationship. She is choosing you over her ex by being with you. Choose her as well.
    • Ask her what she values about your relationship. Notice if she is talking about a future with you. If so, then you know she is invested in your future together!
    EXPERT TIP

    Connell Barrett

    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach

    We all have a past and we're all very imperfect. We are beautiful, energetic, flawed humans with good, bad, and ugly in our past. And it's best to learn from the past rather than dwell in the past.

  2. Barrett says to “focus on what we have right now.” [6] What do you love about her? What drew you to her in the first place? Are those things gone just because you learned about her past? Remind yourself that those relationships occurred in the past and they didn't work for a reason.
    • Also remember that you have your girlfriend’s past to thank for the fact that you found each other! If her past played out any differently, who knows? You might have missed each other altogether.
    • Think about your own past. There are probably things you’re ashamed of, or that would make her jealous, but you wouldn’t want them to get between you, would you?
  3. Each time a thought about a past relationship or an ex comes up, catch it and replace it with a positive thought. [7] For example, if you worry about how close she once was with an ex, instead think, “I’m glad she got to have that experience back then, and I’m so happy we get to share even closer experiences now and in the future.”
    • Or, think of a positive image you have about her, a great memory of something you have done together, or a feeling you have about your relationship together.
  4. Barrett says, “What you focus on is where your relationship energy is going to flow.” [8] Put your energy into making new memories with your girlfriend. As you work on moving on from both of your pasts, build your future together with new activities, photographs, and cherished moments. This will help you focus more on your present and your future together than on her past.
    • Plan a vacation together to somewhere she’s always wanted to go.
    • Go on a romantic date to get closer emotionally.
    • Take a class and learn something new together that you can share forever, like a new art form, sport, or anything else!
  5. Keeping your feet in the here and now helps prevent you from getting caught up in the currents of the past. Practice mindfulness by observing the world as it happens around you. What do you hear, smell, touch, taste, and see right now? [9] These are all more real and relevant than whatever happened before.
    • Repeat affirmations to refocus yourself on the present. Say, “I am happy in my relationship now. I won't listen to my jealous thoughts.” [10]
    • Engage in mindful appreciation. Notice 5 positive things about your relationship that usually go unnoticed or unappreciated.
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Section 3 of 5:

Exploring Your Feelings About Her History

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  1. Barret says that the first step is “catching yourself” when you think about these things. [11] Ask yourself why you are thinking about your girlfriend's past relationships. Are you thinking about them due to her behavior or your own? Is your girlfriend constantly bringing up her exes in conversation? Or are you creating this problem for yourself, by comparing yourself to the ex in your mind? [12]
    • To help you figure it out, try writing a list of what comes up. Next to each item on the list, write what was happening right before, what you did as a result, and what you could do differently.
  2. Now, start asking yourself questions about what bothers you about your partner’s past. When her past relationships come up, what are the usual concerns? Are you bothered by her sexual history? How emotionally close she was to someone else? [13] Figuring this out will tell you where and how to start strengthening your relationship in the present.
    • Did she have certain habits or behaviors with her ex that you’re jealous of? Or does she still feel fondness for her exes, and that bothers you?
    • Or, is the problem in the present? Do you currently feel distant from her, and worry the problem is her history?
    • It is about how her family felt about a past relationship? Are you anxious about being introduced to them, given how they treated her past partners?
  3. Now that you have the when and the what, turn inward and ask yourself why these things affect you. [14] Nevermind what she did or why, what is it about yourself that brings these feelings to the surface? Is it jealousy? Insecurity? These are totally normal things, and while facing them can be daunting, it’s key.
    • Do you find you are comparing yourself to her exes? You might be feeling inadequate of down about yourself. Consider your self-esteem and whether it could use a boost !
    • Are you worried that your girlfriend will "go back" to her ex? You might be feeling anxious. Maybe this is the time to build your trust in each other .
    • Do you get upset or angry when you hear about their relationship or things they have done together? You might be feeling jealous. Consider how secure you feel in your relationship and maybe talk about any insecurities you are feeling.
  4. Now ask yourself, are these feelings stopping me from having a full, trusting, and loving relationship? [15] Has your relationship changed since you started feeling them? Are there parts of your relationship that you wish were stronger? Focusing on the relationship brings the problem out into the open, and establishes what’s at stake if these problems aren’t solved.
    • Is it setting her up to feel guilty? Remember the past is the past and she can't do anything to change what has already happened. Neither can you.
    • Is it leading to fights or hostility between the two of you? Feelings of anger and resentment could be resulting from the thoughts and the complications it is causing in your relationship.
    • Are you both happy in your current relationship? What are you both doing to try to help?
    EXPERT TIP

    John Keegan

    Dating Coach
    John Keegan is a Dating Coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. With over 10 years of professional experience, he runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.
    John Keegan
    Dating Coach

    Her past is out of your control, so there's no need to dwell on it. This is especially true when it comes to sexual history. Beyond conversations about sexual health, there's no need to focus on what happened in the past. It doesn't affect the relationship she's building with you now!

  5. Usually, it shouldn’t be! But there are some instances where you might want to ask yourself if your trust in her is compromised, like if she’s lied to you about her history, or if you have a bad relationship with an ex that’s still in her life. [16] It might also be a problem if her history is something she’s still struggling with, and it’s affecting both your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the relationship.
    • If it’s something she’s still struggling with, the best course of action may be to help her through it, not to abandon the relationship entirely.
    • Don’t just assume she’s hiding something! That’s the jealousy talking. Before you make any drastic decisions, ask yourself if you have all the facts.
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Section 4 of 5:

Discussing How You Feel

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  1. Glickman tells us that the best solution is “confronting the issue, talking about it.” [17] It's important to be open and honest and deal with what you’re feeling in your relationship. Find a peaceful moment, when you’re both in a good mood, to bring it up. Say something like:
    • “You know I’m so happy with you, and I want to stay that way, so I was hoping we might talk about something that’s been bothering me.”
    • “I want to talk about something that I’ve been struggling with. It’s about us, but I want you to know that I realize it’s a problem that has to do with my own feelings, and I want to solve it.”
  2. As you talk it through, make it clear that the problem is how the past affects you, not that you blame your girlfriend for anything she’s done. [18] Tell her you just want some perspective, and to get to know her and her past better, so that you can start loving her more completely, and without doubts or blind spots.
    • Talk to her about anything in your past history that may be contributing to your reaction to these issues. [19] “This may be bothering me because in the past I...”
    • See what her opinion is. “What do you think?”
    • Ask her to help. “I'm feeling like I might need some more love and support to move past this. It would really help me if you talked about your exes less.”
  3. Understand that these feelings might never totally go away, but if you’re both aware of them, they stop feeling so shameful or taboo. [20] As you talk, mention things that trigger these feelings, and if those situations can be avoided. Work together to get a feel for the full scope of the problem.
    • Acknowledge that you understand what she has said, by repeating it back to her and stating, “Okay, I understand.”
    • Advocate for yourself and how you feel. “When you bring up your ex or your past relationships, it makes me feel...”
    • Figure out a compromise. “What can we do, so that we can move forward?”
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Section 5 of 5:

What is retroactive jealousy?

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  1. It negatively affects your relationship. It’s a lot like normal jealousy, like when you worry someone else might take your partner. Retroactive jealousy, though, is trickier, since the root cause is in the past, so it may never be resolved. Here are some behaviors you might have noticed in you or your partner. If they sound familiar, you might be dealing with retroactive jealousy: [21]
    • Obsessing over your partner’s past to the point that it’s distracting.
    • Getting angry or irritable when past relationships come up in conversation.
    • Feeling like your relationship is in jeopardy, even when things are fine.
    • Researching your partner’s exes or browsing their online profiles.
    • Asking frequent questions about your partner’s past relationships.
    • Needing constant affirmation that your partner loves you.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I stop obsessing over my partner's past?
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."
    Connell Barrett
    Dating Coach
    Expert Answer
    Rather than focusing on the past, try to look forward to the future that you're building together.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
      2. ↑ https://jedfoundation.org/resource/common-relationship-problems-and-how-to-deal-with-them/
      3. ↑ Philip Glickman, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
      5. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/
      6. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021
      7. ↑ https://screening.mhanational.org/content/thinking-traps-how-can-i-deal-with-negative-thoughts/?layout=mhats,actions_i
      8. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 18 February 2021
      9. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/mindfulness/mindfulness-exercises-tips/
      1. ↑ https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/positive-affirmations
      2. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.
      3. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
      5. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2021/10/09/1044018004/jealousy-relationships-emotions
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201304/seven-ways-evaluate-your-intimate-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/rediscovering-love/201304/seven-ways-evaluate-your-intimate-relationship
      8. ↑ Philip Glickman, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy
      10. ↑ https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/199203/romantic-jealousy
      12. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/retroactive-jealousy

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If your girlfriend’s past relationships are weighing on your mind, try to focus instead on your own relationship with her. Work on making new memories with your girlfriend to avoid your thoughts drifting back to the past. You can use mindfulness techniques, such as listing things that you can currently see, smell, and hear, to help ground yourself in the moment. Another way to shift your focus is to replace negative thoughts about her past relationships with positive memories of you and her. If focusing on your relationship with your girlfriend isn’t working, you can also try to bring the issue out in the open. Talk to your girlfriend about your thoughts and feelings, and listen to her response to see if you can find a solution together. For more advice from our Counselor co-author, like how to reframe your perspective, read on.

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