Some young people want to try to "change" their sexuality, often because they feel it's wrong, due to the religious beliefs of the family, because they don't fit in, because they are bullied, or because their community or family doesn't support LGBTQ individuals. Even though sexuality is not a choice, some teens try to change their sexual orientation. Here is how to support a struggling lesbian.
Disclaimer: This is not a substitute for professional advice. You can only support a person, as a layperson and a friend. Under no circumstances is this intended to delve into the realm of professional therapy.
Steps
1
Having a Conversation
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1First, find out why she feels this way. Sit down with her and gently start a conversation. Start with something like, "Jenna, you said you like girls, but told me you want to be straight. Why do you feel the need to change your sexuality?" Listen to her reason fully without interrupting, and then discuss what you can do to make the situation better. She may feel worried about:
- Friends and family rejecting her or thinking less of her
- Bullying, judgment, or isolation from peers
- Discrimination at school, work, and more
- Fears of social isolation and judgment
- Religious rejection (e.g. that God won't love her or that she'll go to hell)
- Her own internalized homophobia (thinking it's creepy, unnatural, or gross to love girls)
Tip: Even if you don't agree with her, don't shut her down. If you say "That's ridiculous," she may stop talking. But if you validate her feelings with statements like "that sounds scary" or "that must be so hard," it'll help her open up to you. Try to understand her first instead of jumping to fix it right away.
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2Show empathy . Judging her or telling her how to feel will just cause her to shut down and feel like you don't understand her. Emphasize that you are not judging her in any way, but rather trying to understand her better. Let her talk and listen to her. Understand how she feels so you can truly support her.
- Avoid saying something like, "Why do you want to be straight? That's a silly idea." This will cause her to become distant from you and make her feel even more alone than she would if you had said something such as "I'm here for you and I love you."
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3Reassure her that there's nothing wrong with loving girls. To be helpful, you must adopt a supportive and caring disposition. She needs to know that she's normal and that bigots are in the wrong. Here are some examples of things you could say:
- "Your feelings for Kim aren't a problem. Those are normal. The people who choose to judge you are the problem."
- "Many women love other women. Remember my friend Taniqua from work? She has a wife. They won the costume contest at our Halloween party last year."
- "Our community isn't always right. I don't like how judgmental people can be here. Remember when Juana dyed her hair blue? She looked awesome, but there was some small-minded gossip about it. Sometimes, insecure people try to make others feel bad. That doesn't mean they're right."
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4Never encourage her to try to be straight. This is extremely harmful. It can lead to issues from identity crises to mental health emergencies. You must understand that sexuality is not a choice. If it was, how would some people be straight and some not straight? Just be there for her and show support. Avoid attempting to tell her she should be straight or that being LGBTQ is "abnormal".
- Research is clear about the harms of "conversion therapy" or "reparative therapy" designed to turn people straight. There is no scientifically valid evidence that it works, but there's plenty of evidence that it's dangerous. [1] X Research source [2] X Research source [3] X Research source People who underwent conversion therapy are at higher risk of suicide and mental health problems. [4] X Research source
- On the other hand, supportive friends and family reduce suicide risk in LGBTQ+ youth. [5] X Research source Your acceptance protects her mental health.
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5Talk about how you will support her. She may feel confused and lonely right now. Show her that she isn't alone. Share what you'd like to do to help. Make sure to get her input too about what she needs.
- "I'm here for you. Let me know what you need, even if it's just a listening ear."
- "I didn't know your brother was saying those things. I will tell him to knock it off. That's not the type of man I want him to become."
- "I think it's time for us to find a new church. I don't like what the pastor is saying and it doesn't match our family values."
- "Every kid deserves to feel safe at school and that includes you. I will call the principal so she and I can talk. Would you like to be a part of the meeting, or should it just be the two of us?"
Tip: If she's being mistreated, she may worry about people making a fuss over it. She may feel worried about backlash or whether she deserves it. If so, don't go nuclear right away (even if it's tempting). Go slow if it's what she needs, but don't do nothing. Tell her that the mistreatment is wrong and that you will feel better if it's solved. If you're a parent/caregiver, remind her that it's your job to protect her. She's worth protecting.
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6Take action if she's at risk for self harm or suicide. When people struggle with rejection or self-hatred, their safety could be at risk. If she hurts herself or is seriously considering suicide, get professional help to keep her safe.
- Get help right away if she's in immediate danger.
- If she's not in immediate danger, talk about making a safety plan for what to do if she feels like hurting herself. Then schedule an appointment with a mental health expert.
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2
Supporting Her
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1Do some reading about what she's going through. Turn to groups like PFLAG and the Trevor Project to help you learn how to support her better. It's okay if you're new to this. There are plenty of resources to help you navigate this with her.
- There may be LGBT+ support groups in your area. They could offer guidance and support.
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2Respect her privacy. Don't enlist friends and family to help unless she confirms she's okay with them knowing what's going on. Not everyone may accept her the way you do. Even if they support her, you risk embarrassing her.
- You can ask. For example, "I'd like to talk to Mom about the best ways to support you through this. May I tell her, or should this stay between us for now?"
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3Take action against homophobic comments , especially when they happen in front of her. Tell the offending person that it's not okay. Let them feel uncomfortable. It's important for the lesbian in your life to see that other people don't accept homophobia.
- This also discourages people from saying homophobic things when you aren't around.
- Do what you can to reduce her contact with people who disrespect her. For example, if her stepmom repeatedly makes homophobic comments despite being asked to stop, it may be time to readjust the custody arrangements.
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4If she is religious, put her in contact with a local gay-friendly church . The most common one is the Metropolitan Community Church, but Unitarian Universalists, and certain congregations of other denominations are LGBTQ friendly.
- Although this doesn't work, some kids will try to "pray the gay away". If she believes in God, tell her that God loves all His children.
- Now is not the time to enforce religious beliefs or Bible quotes. Don't say things like "God is testing you" or "this too shall pass." Even if you worry about her, pressuring her to turn straight won't help—it'll make her life worse. Instead, work on loving her the way she is.
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5Help her find lesbian and queer role models. Seeing confident LGBT+ women can help her feel more confident in herself. This could be a celebrity, singer, entertainer, actor, or someone else. The idea is that your lesbian child sees other confident lesbians and begins to be influenced by them, making her feel more confident and reduce her desire to become straight.
- Introduce her to LGBT-inclusive media.
- Try looking for information about well-known lesbians online together.
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6Be patient with her journey. She may not be ready to hang pride flags in her room or kiss a girl in public just yet. Internalized homophobia usually takes time to unlearn. Even if she reaches self-acceptance, she may choose to stay closeted until things are safer (e.g. moving away or achieving financial independence). Focus on baby steps and let things go as slowly as she needs them to.
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7Keep being there for her. Be her safe place, whether you're making fun memories or holding her hand while she cries. Your unconditional love or friendship can support her during the tough times. Listen to her, ask what she needs, and value her for who she is.
- You won't be able to protect her from every single bad thing in the world. But you can help her know that she has someone to talk to when bad things happen.
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8Consider counseling or therapy if she's struggling with her identity. If your child is self harming or having thoughts of suicide/self harm, or she's depressed, it's time to take her to a counselor or therapist trained to help LGBTQ individuals.
- If she asks why you're taking her to therapy or counseling, say it's because you want her to be safe and happy. If she's scared, try going to her first therapy/counseling session with her.
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Tips
- Show compassion when she begins to open up.Thanks
- Start the discussion gently, and go slow.Thanks
- Help her stay healthy. Encourage her to eat healthy food, exercise, and get enough sleep.Thanks
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Warnings
- This is not to be taken as psychological or psychiatric advice in any way. It is opinion and observation. Seek a professional for help.Thanks
- This is a controversial topic: Do not try to practice psychology.Thanks
- Don't assume your experiences are universal. Even if you haven't experienced much homophobia (internalized or from others), she may have faced more of it. Some people struggle more with self-acceptance than others do.Thanks
- Don't argue. Your goal to help, not to antagonize. You should help by demonstrating support, understanding, and caring (even when you don't agree with her).Thanks
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