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Dating a woman on the autism spectrum is a little different from dating a allistic (non-autistic) woman. Here are tips for understanding and loving her.
Steps
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Read about autism online. It helps to look up articles by autistic people (which usually paint a more accurate picture than articles by non-autistic people). This will help you have an idea what your girlfriend is dealing with. [1] X Research source -
Try attending an autism/disability group with her (if she goes to one). You can talk to other autistic people, and ask her (or them!) how you can be helpful.Advertisement -
Don't be afraid to ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, don't make assumptions. Instead, ask her to explain it to you. Getting to understand her autism is part of getting to know her. [2] X Research source -
Don't judge her when her behavior is a little unusual. Autistic people do some different but harmless things: stimming, toe-walking, not making eye contact, et cetera. Treat these as quirks rather than deficits, and let her be herself. [3] X Research source"The title piqued my interest as an autistic person with someone in a romantic relationship. This article has encouraged me in expressing myself with her. She's allistic and I'm autistic, and I love her a lot. (In a sense), we support each other." more comments ..." more
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Recognize that bad days happen for autistic people. Issues such as executive dysfunction, motor skill issues, social differences, sensory overload, and more can make life difficult. Your girlfriend may want comfort, or she may want to be alone. [4] X Research source -
Listen to her. Autistic people may worry that their needs are burdensome or not cared about, and be afraid to speak up when there is a problem. You can help by listening to her, accommodating her needs, and asking if something is wrong if she looks upset. [5] X Research source -
Be clear about any problems as they happen. Your girlfriend might not be good at "reading between the lines" and recognizing when you're upset. It's helpful to use your words and explain to her what is wrong. Be direct and concrete in your communication. For example... [6] X Research source- "I'm feeling really stressed because of this report I have due. I'd like to be left alone to work for a while."
- "When you teased me about my bald spot, I felt upset. It's kind of a sore spot for me. Please don't tease me about it."
- "I know you mean well, but I'm not really looking for advice right now. I just need to vent."
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Recognize that she might get sick more often. Anxiety, depression , and stomach issues may co-occur with autism. [7] X Research source She may also have severe sensory overload at times (which can look a lot like being sick). Ask her how you can help her (helping with tasks, giving her space, just hanging out) and follow through. She'll appreciate it. [8] X Research source -
Run interference in social situations. Your girlfriend won't always understand how to act, and you can help by clarifying her intentions to others or gently nudging her onto the right track. Tackle social gatherings as a team, and help her feel wanted and included. [9] X Research source -
Recognize that social progress takes time. Your girlfriend will have some trouble with social skills, and this won't disappear anytime soon. Let her work at her own pace, and don't push her too hard. She is doing her best. -
Recognize that you'll be introduced to her world: including how hostile it can be. Autistic people are more likely to be bullied and disliked by their peers, and you may witness some ugly behavior or even receive a little for dating her. If you love her, remind yourself that it's worth it: you're here for her, not for others' opinions.
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Be a good listener . Listening is an important part of a healthy relationship, especially if her mind works a little differently than yours does. Listen to how she feels, what her dreams are, and how she sees the world. -
Find quiet places to hang out. Too much activity can overwhelm an autistic person, making it difficult for her to focus on your conversation. Try letting her choose the setting, or searching for the most peaceful place around. [10] X Research source -
Remind her how much you love her. Every woman wants to feel appreciated and wanted. Notice her quirks and compliment her. Even something as simple as "Good morning, beautiful" could make her day. -
Respect her boundaries. Your girlfriend is most likely an introvert, and she'll need alone time to recharge so she can have the energy to spend time with you. [11] X Research source- She may need time to rest or stim after a difficult situation, such as a noisy building or family gathering.
- There may be certain things she cannot handle, such as hugs from behind or kiss marks on her cheek (which she might wipe off—it's nothing against you personally!).
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Help her understand when she's confused. Just as autistic people's behavior may be puzzling to you, non-autistic behavior can be puzzling to her! Offer your services as a translator when needed, and answer her questions about what the non-autistic people are trying to say. -
Support her special interests . Passions hold a special place in an autistic person's heart, so find ways to support and share hers. See if her special interest overlaps with things you like, and share them together. -
Talk to her privately if she says or does something weird. Your girlfriend may not always understand social nuances, so she might do things that are socially inappropriate without realizing it. Talk to her if she came off as rude or cold; she probably didn't know what she was expected to do. [12] X Research source- Talk to her gently, under the assumption that she didn't know what she did wrong. Many times autistic people don't realize that they've committed a social offence.
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Let her support you. Your girlfriend has plenty of strengths of her own. It's okay to be vulnerable, and to lean on her when you're struggling. Let her show you how much she cares.- In general, autistic people tend to be fair, logical, nonjudgmental, compassionate, and capable of thinking outside the box. Your girlfriend may be a fantastic problem solver.
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Open up to her. Let her see you at your best, your worst, and your silliest. Relationships work best when communication is open, and each partner feels comfortable sharing their truest self. Embrace your quirks just as you've embraced hers. [13] X Research source -
Experience the world through her eyes. Your girlfriend has a unique perspective, and as you spend more and more time with her, you'll experience her life. Work on listening, understanding, and trying things her way. You might be surprised at what you discover.
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Comments
- "Understanding my past faults and allowing me to further empathize with her behavior, and in general allowing me to see her as a brilliant person." ..." more
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"This gave me a lot of understanding to hopefully make my relationship work a lot better between me understanding to partners needs. Thank you..." ..." more
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"This made me feel good, as an autistic (trans) woman, when I imagined being supported like in the article."
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"Everything that the author said is quite true and creepily accurate to my current relationship."
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Tips
- Ask your girlfriend about her hobbies and the activities she enjoys. She may have limited interests, but she may be interested in learning about your hobbies and activities.Thanks
- Your girlfriend may have difficulty doing more than one thing at a time. Be patient with her and let her finish one thing before starting another.Thanks
- Talk to her. Ask her how she's feeling, how her day was.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- "As an Autistic girl, I'd recommend talking to her more often and making her feel like she's worth something. My boyfriend tends to not realize that if he opens up to me, it'd make me feel like I can actually do something for him."
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Expert Interview
Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about relationships, check out our in-depth interview with William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC .
References
- ↑ https://opendoorstherapy.com/dating-autism-spectrum-conflict/
- ↑ https://autisticnotweird.com/oh-im-so-sorry/
- ↑ https://www.autismspectrum.org.au/about-autism/what-is-autism
- ↑ https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/parenting/89366305/living-with-autism-good-days-bad-days-and-meltdowns
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/aspie/2018/08/autism-and-friendships-part-2-30-ways-to-be-a-friend-to-a-person-on-the-spectrum/
- ↑ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/aspie/2018/08/autism-and-friendships-part-2-30-ways-to-be-a-friend-to-a-person-on-the-spectrum/
- ↑ https://opendoorstherapy.com/dating-autism-spectrum-conflict/
- ↑ https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/adults-with-autism-are-at-risk-for-host-of-health-problems/
- ↑ https://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2014/04/09/how-to-be-a-friend-to-someone-with-autism
- ↑ https://www.tcdailyplanet.net/sensory-friendly-a-safe-play-place-for-children-with-autism/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-introverts-corner/201104/theory-about-introversion-extroversion-and-autism
- ↑ https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/communication-breaks-people-autism/
- ↑ https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners
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