What Counts as Cheating in a Relationship?

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Common (and some surprising) types of cheating, plus signs of infidelity
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Cheating can be an unfortunately common and complex issue in committed relationships. While cheating itself happens more often than anyone would like, people often differ in their definition of cheating and what really counts as infidelity in a relationship. What is and isn't considered cheating can be confusing, but we put together this comprehensive guide to help you make sense of infidelity, spot it in your relationship, and know how to handle it when it happens.

Section 1 of 6:

What is considered cheating in a relationship?

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  1. This other relationship happens without their partner's consent. While this is the most common understanding of cheating (also known as infidelity), there isn't a one-size-fits-all definition. Different couples can define cheating in different ways. [1]
    • For example, one couple might be fine with each other flirting with other people, while a different couple might consider that a betrayal of trust. Every couple has their own standards for what is vs. isn't cheating.
    • Couples that practice open, polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationships often have different standards for what is considered infidelity. [2]
    • In general, however, most couples agree that hiding or lying about behavior is a red flag and a breach of trust.
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Section 2 of 6:

Common Types of Cheating

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  1. Physical cheating is what most people think of when they picture infidelity. Physical infidelity is usually defined as having sexual relations with another person, but it does have some gray areas. Some people may consider non-sexual physical intimacy, like holding hands or kissing, as cheating, while others may not. Similarly, some people may see a drunken kiss as a less egregious form of cheating than a sober one. Depending on the relationship, common examples of physical cheating include: [3]
    • Holding hands or cuddling with another person
    • Kissing or making out with someone else
    • Dancing with or touching another person in a sexual way
    • Having sex with someone else
    • Paying for sex or an erotic massage
  2. Emotional cheating occurs when someone has formed a close emotional, romantic bond with someone besides their partner. This type of cheating often involves no physical intimacy (at least in the beginning). Instead, emotional affairs often begin as an innocent friendship but evolve to the point where the emotional intimacy and support typically reserved for a romantic relationship are being shared in a platonic one. Emotional cheating can be hard to define, but some examples of an emotional affair include: [4]
    • Inappropriate communication like excessive texting, calling, or social media contact
    • Hiding a “friendship” from a partner because of guilt or the knowledge they may feel uncomfortable
    • Sharing deep thoughts and feelings with someone else (while not sharing them with a partner)
    • Behaving like a couple with someone else, without the physical intimacy
    • Having strong emotions or romantic feelings for someone else
    • Telling someone about said strong emotions or romantic feelings
  3. Sometimes called online or digital infidelity, cheating via online services or social media profiles is similar to emotional cheating. However, it’s become increasingly more common due to the ease of finding and engaging in infidelity with someone online. Some potential examples of virtual cheating include: [5]
    • Liking other people’s thirst traps
    • Sending flirty messages or leaving sexual comments on social media posts
    • Spending more time chatting with another person online than chatting with a partner
    • Having a secret dating profile online
    • Sexting
    • Sending or receiving nudes
    • Initiating conversations or personal relationships with digital sex workers or people in chat rooms
  4. Micro-cheating is one of the most common types of cheating in a relationship, and it consists of repeated minor and subtle actions that lead someone to develop intimate connections outside of their relationship. These actions may make the faithful partner feel jealous and insecure, but they’re not quite enough to qualify as traditional cheating. The specifics of what does or doesn’t constitute micro-cheating depends on the couple, but some examples may include: [6]
    • Going to strip clubs
    • Sending flirty messages
    • Stalking an ex on social media
    • Texting or communicating frequently with an ex
    • Flirting with other people
    • Entertaining someone else’s advances
    • Fantasizing about someone else
    • Having an active online profile on a dating site
  5. Financial infidelity doesn’t have to involve another person at all. Rather, financial cheating happens when a partner is secretive or deceitful about their spending or savings. While this type of infidelity can happen in conjunction with a physical affair (e.g., the cheater is going over their family’s monthly budget to buy gifts for their secret lover), it can also manifest in other ways, including: [7]
    • Gambling addictions that deplete the partner’s savings
    • Substance abuse problems, causing large amounts of money to be spent on alcohol or drugs
    • Compulsive shopping that runs through the family budget
    • Large amounts of debt or diminished savings being hidden from one partner
  6. Some people believe it’s possible to cheat on a partner with a hobby or interest. While it’s completely healthy to have normal hobbies and interests, this type of cheating may occur if all of someone’s time and attention is devoted to a hobby. For example: [8]
    • If someone spends all of their free time playing video games online with friends.
    • If someone spends every weekend with their intramural sports team instead of a partner.
    • If someone spends every evening working rather than spending time with a partner.
  7. Commemorative cheating happens when one person has decidedly fallen out of love with their committed romantic partner but stays in the relationship out of obligation. In this case, the individual may still see romantic or physical connection outside of their monogamous relationship and justify it because (from their perspective) their relationship is over.
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Section 3 of 6:

Signs of Infidelity

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  1. Evidence of cheating is often found in texts and emails on electronic devices like phones or laptops. For this reason, a partner who’s cheating may be overly possessive of or protective over their electronic devices and the amount of time they’re spending on them. In effect, they don’t want you (their partner) to know who they’re talking to. [9]
  2. If your partner disappears for long periods of time without any logical explanation, this may mean that they’re engaging in infidelity with someone else. Otherwise, they’d probably just tell you that they’re with their friends or at a meeting, and they won’t act strange or evasive about where they’ve been. [10]
  3. If your partner is constantly lying to you about where they’ve been or who they’ve been with, you’ll probably be able to pick up on inconsistencies in their story over time. If they start to give conflicting information or get stressed when asked about what they’ve been up to, then they may be cheating and struggling to keep their story straight. [11]
  4. If your partner all of a sudden has to work late consistently (even when their job doesn’t really require that), then they may be cheating. Similarly, if they suddenly have to go on frequent out-of-town business trips for a job that never required that before, you may have reason to be suspicious about whether or not they’re telling the truth. [12]
  5. If your partner has a sudden, inexplicable change in their spending habits, that should raise some red flags. They may be withdrawing large amounts of cash or charging restaurant meals to their credit card that clearly bought enough food for two people. While the issue may not necessarily be infidelity, inconsistent expenses are a big sign that something is going on with your partner. [13]
  6. Contrary to what you might think, people who are being unfaithful actually tend to want more sexual intimacy with the partner that they’re cheating on. While you might expect them to have less time for sex with their committed significant other, cheating may make some people feel more sexually energized and want to seek out more frequent or more exciting varieties of sex with their romantic partner. [14]
  7. Most of the time (but not always), the friends of the cheating partner will know about the infidelity before the significant other does. If your partner’s friends are suddenly acting awkward or uncomfortable around you—or if they even seem to be avoiding you entirely—then this guilty behavior may be because they know that their friend is cheating. [15]
  8. If your partner knows that they’re doing something wrong or dishonest, they may start projecting onto others and imagine that everyone else is doing the same thing as they are. As a result, they may start accusing you (or someone else) of cheating, even though they have no real evidence or reason to believe that that’s the case. [16]
    • However, there are many possible reasons that a partner may accuse you of cheating—including that they’re recognizing some of the signs on this list! They may also be struggling with feelings of jealousy or insecurity, although that’s still an issue that you probably want to address in your relationship.
  9. If your partner is cheating on you and feels guilty about it, then they may be experiencing something called cognitive dissonance. What happens with cognitive dissonance is that your partner believes that two things can’t be true at the same time—in this situation, they can’t simultaneously believe that cheating hurts their partner and that they are a kind person who wouldn’t hurt their partner. [17]
    • To deal with this dissonance, your partner may start telling themselves that you aren’t worthy of honesty or faithfulness, so they can’t really be hurting you (or that hurt is deserved).
    • To prove this idea to themselves, they may start to criticize or demean you frequently.
  10. Sometimes, you might have a major feeling that your partner is being unfaithful but don’t have any real evidence to prove it. Some studies have shown that people can detect lies subconsciously, even if they’re unable to identify why they feel like the person is lying.
    • If you just can’t shake the feeling that your partner is cheating (and you don’t have any past relationship trauma that may be causing you to feel that way), then it might be worth it to talk to your partner or do some further investigation.
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Section 4 of 6:

How to Deal with Cheating in a Relationship

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  1. The best way to deal with cheating in a relationship (or prevent it) is to understand its root causes. While understanding the causes of cheating doesn’t make this behavior okay, it can make it easier to discuss with your partner and potentially reach a resolution together, whether you’re the one who’s cheated or the person who’s been cheated on. Of course, in some situations, it may be best to just walk away from the relationship.
    • Some of the most common reasons for cheating have to do with a want for excitement, dissatisfaction with the current relationship, selfish pursuit of status or personal goals, or simple manipulation and game-playing. [18]
    • Underneath these more surface-level causes, some of the root causes of cheating stem from insecurity, selfishness, jealousy, and dissatisfaction with one’s own life.
    • Discovering the true cause of someone’s unfaithful behavior—especially in a serial cheater—often requires the help of a professional counselor or psychologist.
  2. If you’re the person who suspects their partner of cheating, avoid assuming they’re cheating or packing up your bags without taking a beat to think about your situation—even if they tick off all the common signs of cheating.
    • Believing your partner is cheating can (understandably) kick off some very volatile and sensitive emotions, and you’re probably feeling a lot of anger and sadness.
    • Before making any rash decisions, try to calm yourself down so that you can logically reflect on what’s happening.
  3. Whether you know or just suspect that your partner is cheating, share your feelings with your most trusted friends, family members, and other loved ones. Consider seeing a therapist or other mental health professional, either alone or with your partner. A professional can help you manage your emotions and decide how to move forward—with or without your partner. [19]
  4. Have an open dialogue with your partner about whether cheating has happened in your relationship and whether your relationship is salvageable. If you’ve already established that someone has been unfaithful, then continue to do your best to communicate respectfully about your needs and feelings. Discuss if and how you want to move forward with the relationship and what conditions must be met for your partnership to continue. [20]
    • For example, the person who’s been cheated on may request that all contact ends with the person that their partner cheated on them with.
    • Ask yourself whether or not your relationship is worth continuing. Is there a history of unfaithful behavior? Is the unfaithful partner committed to change?
    • Although it can be really difficult to communicate with respect and honesty in emotionally laden conversations such as this one, it’s really important to help you both get what you need and heal from this situation.
    • Communicating respectfully is even more crucial if children are involved. Custody agreement negotiations, divorce proceedings, and other conversations that may happen around or involving the child must be cordial and mature, if nothing else. Otherwise, this situation may severely harm or emotionally damage your child or children.
  5. If you’re in a relationship where someone cheated and you decide to stay together, focus on regaining the trust that’s been lost since the infidelity. Consider having the partner who cheated see an individual therapist to prevent infidelity from happening again. [21] Talk together to come up with a specific timeline with periodic milestones that you want to reach as a team as you try to heal your relationship.
  6. Whether or not you and your partner have decided to stay together, it’s important to establish boundaries for any contact or communication you’ll have moving forward. If you’re staying together, have a discussion about cheating and what is and isn’t appropriate within the boundaries of your committed relationship. [22]
    • If you’re not staying together, set clear guidelines about whether you want to stay in touch or how you’ll contact each other in the future, especially if children are involved.
  7. If you cheated on your monogamous or otherwise committed significant other, then it’s crucial to hold yourself accountable for your actions. Being responsible for your own actions doesn’t mean beating yourself up, and it should happen whether or not you’re still in a relationship with the person you’re cheating on. [23]
    • Rather, accepting blame and taking accountability is a necessary step in recognizing your past behaviors so that you can heal, move forward, and have healthier relationships in the future.
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Section 5 of 6:

Communicating with Your Partner

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  1. This topic can be sensitive, and people can have wildly different understandings of what is and isn't cheating in a monogamous or ethically non-monogamous relationship. For this reason, it’s best to approach this conversation and discuss cheating with your partner early on. [24] Here are some tips for discussing boundaries around exclusivity and cheating:
    • Choose the right time when emotions aren’t already running high and there aren’t any distractions.
    • Use “I” statements and talk about your personal beliefs with phrases like, “For me, cheating means…”
    • Ask open-ended questions about what your partner considers to be cheating, like “How would you feel if I commented on an ex’s social media posts?”
    • Listen to your partner without any judgment—nearly everyone has different boundaries and expectations around cheating, and there’s no wrong or right answer.
    • Talk through gray areas that many couples clash over, such as watching pornography, using online chat rooms, or having emotional affairs.
    • Come to an explicit agreement about what is and isn’t allowed in your relationship moving forward.
    • Revisit your boundaries from time to time and discuss anything that’s changed in your relationship and your beliefs about what counts as cheating.
Section 6 of 6:

Frequently Asked Questions About Cheating

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  1. If you think your partner is cheating on you, talk to them first. [25] While you can’t always count on people to initially tell the truth in these situations, you may be able to tell whether your partner is lying or being honest with you. If you do get the truth out of them, you may be able to understand more about why they cheated instead of making assumptions.
    • After this initial conversation, seek support from your loved ones and let yourself feel your feelings. Once you’ve had some time to process, consider whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with this person.
  2. The legal definition of cheating varies based on where you are. In the U.S., each state has its own rules for what it defines as “adultery.” In most states, cheating is defined as a married person having voluntary sexual intercourse with someone other than their spouse. Often, however, this “sexual intercourse” only includes penetrative vaginal intercourse. [26]
  3. Talking to someone else may become cheating if it crosses a couple’s mutually agreed-upon boundaries or if the “talking” crosses the line into intentional flirting. In this case, excessively talking to someone or messaging them in a flirty or emotionally revealing way may count as emotional infidelity. [27]
    • However, some partners may not consider flirty communication as cheating. It all depends on your individual relationship and what boundaries you and your partner have agreed upon.
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      • The boundaries you set in a relationship may be fluid and change as you, your partner, and your relationship grow. Keep having open discussions about what you consider infidelity to ensure you're both on the same page.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • What's considered cheating depends on you and your significant other. In one relationship I was in I didn't mind if he flirted with other girls but he cared if I flirted with other guys so I compromised and we just made that a rule. In the relationship I had after that, though, it wasn't a rule because neither of us was bothered by it!
      • Some people are very suspicious and defensive and consider every little harmless thing infidelity. A guy I dated wouldn't let me go on social media because he thought it meant I was talking to other guys, even if I wasn't. Compromise is important in any relationship but so is trust, and you can't control someone else.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/202209/what-counts-cheating-in-relationship
      2. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/polyamory/
      3. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/infidelity/
      4. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/emotional-cheating
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/understanding-the-different-types-of-infidelity#4
      6. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/infidelity/
      7. ↑ https://www.choosingtherapy.com/infidelity/
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/understanding-the-different-types-of-infidelity#4
      9. ↑ https://www.self.com/story/signs-of-cheating
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      2. ↑ https://time.com/6964719/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-lying/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      5. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-he-cheating-or-am-i-paranoid-how-to-know-for-sure/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      7. ↑ https://www.self.com/story/signs-of-cheating
      8. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-he-cheating-or-am-i-paranoid-how-to-know-for-sure/
      9. ↑ https://www.health.com/relationships/why-do-people-cheat
      10. ↑ https://www.health.com/relationships/why-do-people-cheat
      11. ↑ https://www.health.com/relationships/why-do-people-cheat
      12. ↑ https://www.wfla.com/bloom-tampa-bay/rebuilding-trust-after-infidelity-strategies-for-healing-and-moving-forward/
      13. ↑ https://coupleslearn.com/rebuild-trust-after-betrayal/
      14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201408/how-take-full-responsibility-affair
      15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/202209/what-counts-cheating-in-relationship
      16. ↑ https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/relations/is-he-cheating-or-am-i-paranoid-how-to-know-for-sure/
      17. ↑ https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/adultery
      18. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/emotional-cheating

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