35+ Rememberance Messages for a Death Anniversary (Plus What Not to Say)

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Do you want to comfort someone close to you on the anniversary of their loved one’s passing, but aren’t sure what to say? In truth, there is no one right thing to say. The best thing to do is simply speak from the heart and let them know that you’re there for them. Whether you’re visiting them in person or sending a text, email, letter, or card, we’ve compiled tons of thoughtful messages to show that you care.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical social worker and certified yoga therapist, Ken Breniman. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Acknowledge the person's passing and don’t be afraid to say their name. Let your friend or family member know that you’re thinking of them on this day.
  • Show your support. Let your loved one know you’re available to them and offer to bring them a meal or take care of a daily task to give them a break.
  • Ask how you can honor their loved one’s memory. Also, give them the opportunity to talk about the person who’s passed.
  • Avoid passing judgment on how or how long a person grieves. Steer clear of platitudes like “He’s in a better place,” as well.
1

“Thinking of you on the anniversary of Mia’s passing.”

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    Oftentimes, we’re hesitant to bring up what happened for fear of upsetting the person. The truth is, your friend or family member will likely appreciate that you remember the date and are reaching out to acknowledge what they’re going through. [1]
    • “Today must be tough for you. I can’t believe your dad’s been gone for a year.”
    • “Remembering Jayden on the third anniversary of his death.”
    • “You’re on my mind today.”
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2

“It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.”

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    Even if it’s been a few years since their loved one passed away, avoid encouraging someone to get over or move past their loss. Reassure them that whatever they’re feeling is okay. [2]
    • “Your grief is normal.”
    • “Grief has no expiration date.”
    • “It’s okay to not be okay.”
3

“How can I honor Noah today?”

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    Doing something to honor the life of the person they lost often feels supportive on the anniversary of a death. [3] Ask if they have anything in mind or suggest a few ideas of your own. Offer to do something that their loved one enjoyed.
    • “How can I help celebrate Deon’s life?”
    • “Would you mind if I light a candle in remembrance?”
    • “I’d like to make a donation to Wesley’s favorite charity, if that’s okay.”
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4

“Tell me more about Talia.”

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    Ask about the times they spent together or share your own memories of the person that they lost. Rather than offering advice or platitudes, just sit and listen. You could also share your own memories of the person. Don’t be afraid to say their name, either.
    • “What’s your favorite memory of Viktor?”
    • “I’ll never forget when your mom helped us make that giant cake for Coen’s birthday. It looked like a bakery exploded in your kitchen.”
    • “Aunt Alani would be so proud of you for following in her footsteps. She always knew you’d make a wonderful nurse.”
5

“Can I bring you lunch or dinner?”

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    Your friend or family member might be overwhelmed with day-to-day tasks. Offer to take something off their plate so they can focus on honoring their loved one and processing their emotions. Try to suggest something specific, as people aren’t super likely to reach out after a general “Let me know how I can help” request. [4]
    • “Would it help if I picked up the kids from school?”
    • “Do you mind if drop off some groceries?”
    • “Is there anything I can do to make today easier for you?”
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6

“How are you feeling today?”

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    Anniversaries can bring up all kinds of painful emotions. Voicing them can help your friend or family member process their feelings. [5] Invite them to be open and honest about their experience. Listen without judgment.
    • “Do you want to talk about it?”
    • “What kind of memories have come up for you today?”
    • “How is your experience this year different from years past?”
7

“I love you.”

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    In truth, there’s not much you can say to ease someone else’s grief. But you can let them know how much they mean to you. Offer to just be there with them, if they’d like the company.
    • “I’m always here for you.”
    • “You don’t have to talk. I will sit beside you.”
    • “Do you need a shoulder to cry on?”
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8

“My sincerest sympathies for your loss.”

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    Sure, you probably expressed your sympathy when the person died, but their loss lives on in your friend. Let them know that you understand that they’re in pain.
    • “I’m so sorry.”
    • “May peace be with you.”
    • “You’re in my thoughts and prayers.”
9

"To live in the hearts of those we love is never to die.” – Hazel Gaynor

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    Don’t worry about coming up with the perfect thing to say. It is, after all, the thought that counts. Your friend or loved one will appreciate you reaching out and acknowledging what they’re going through. Feel free to borrow some words from a famous (or even anonymous) author. Just choose something that feels right to you.
    • “Say not in grief that they are gone, but give thanks that they were yours.” — Hebrew Proverb
    • “Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” — Emily Dickinson
    • “Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near; still loved, still missed and very dear.” – Anonymous
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I be supportive on a death anniversary?
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University.
    Kateri Berasi, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It might be helpful to engage in a ritual such as visiting the deceased person's grave or by going to places that the deceased person used to love. It's ultimately up to the grieving individual and what kind of support they'd prefer, though.
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      Tips

      • Send a care package to your friend or family member filled with their favorite treats or self-care items.
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      • If the person is struggling with the loss, encourage them to seek out a support group or grief therapist.
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      Warnings

      • Steer clear of any personal or intrusive questions about the person who passed or their estate.
        Thanks
      • Even if you have good intentions, avoid telling the person you know how they feel or comparing their experience to yours or someone else’s.
        Thanks
      • Try not to say things like “It’s God’s will,” “She’s in a better place,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “It’s for the best.”
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
      2. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/anniversary-traumatic-event
      4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm
      5. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/anniversary-traumatic-event

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