How to Tell Your Boyfriend You’re Sorry After Hurting His Feelings

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Learn to apologize sincerely and make amends
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When you’re in a romantic relationship with someone, you’re bound to hurt their feelings every now and then—it’s inevitable. Offering a sincere, genuine apology can help smooth things over and get your relationship back on track. If you’ve accidentally hurt your boyfriend’s feelings and are having trouble figuring out exactly what to say, keep reading for a comprehensive guide on how to apologize, including insightful tips from psychology and relationship experts.

How can you say sorry to your boyfriend?

If you've hurt your boyfriend's feelings, give him space before you reach out. When you talk to him, be clear about why you're apologizing and that you understand what you did wrong. Sincerely say sorry and take accountability for your actions. Listen to his side, validate his feelings, and explain how you'll change.

Section 1 of 3:

How to Apologize to Your Boyfriend

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  1. Letting him cool down might make him more open to chatting with you. If you just hurt his feelings and he wants to take some space for himself, give him some time. Hopefully, he’ll come back refreshed and ready to hear you out when you apologize. If you aren’t sure whether he’s ready or not, try asking something like:
    • “Hey, is now a good time to talk?”
    • “Hey, I just wanted to check in on you. How are you doing?”
  2. When you approach him, make sure you’re giving him specific reasons and details as to why you’re apologizing, so he knows you mean it. Clinical psychologist William Gardner, PsyD, says, “Take responsibility for what you did.” He advises against making vague statements, like “I’m sorry you’re upset” or “Sorry your feelings are hurt,” since that could make things worse. Gardner adds, “What almost always works is saying, ‘Listen, I am really sorry that what I said upset you,’ because that is true 99% of the time.” [1] You could also say:
    • “It wasn’t cool of me to snap at you earlier. You were just trying to help, and I overreacted.” [2]
    • “I can tell that I hurt your feelings earlier. I really didn’t mean to do that.”
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  3. A fake apology will hurt your boyfriend even more. Don’t apologize unless you’re 100% sure that you want to say you’re sorry. Keep your tone of voice in mind, too— avoid sarcasm , and make sure your words sound earnest and heartfelt. [3]
    • Try to avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or, “You know I didn’t mean it like that.” These half apologies might make your boyfriend feel like you’re just placating him instead of actually being sincere.
  4. As you craft your apology in your mind or by hand, don’t forget those two crucial words: “I’m sorry.” There are lots of ways to skirt around a genuine apology, like saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, so are we good?” Avoid this type of apology, which doesn’t truly express remorse or the need for forgiveness from your boyfriend. Leading with “I’m sorry” will ensure that your boyfriend knows you’re apologizing, and it helps set the tone for the rest of the conversation. [4] You might say:
    • “I’m really sorry about what happened earlier.”
    • “I wanted to apologize for hurting your feelings.”
  5. An explanation shows your boyfriend that he wasn’t the problem. If you hurt your boyfriend’s feelings, you probably didn’t do it on purpose—maybe you were having a bad day, or there was a miscommunication between you two. Tell him what happened and why you accidentally hurt his feelings, but don’t make any excuses for yourself or justify your behavior. [5] Try saying:
    • “I had a super hard day at work, so I was a little on edge. I’m really sorry I let that affect the way that I talked to you.”
    • “For some reason, I thought that you didn’t want to hang out with me today. I should have clarified before jumping to conclusions.”
  6. Owning what you did shows your boyfriend that you’re sincere. As you apologize to him, don’t try to make excuses or blame anyone else. The more you take responsibility for yourself, the more genuine your apology will sound. Life coach Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA, says, “We're human beings. Any two people you put in a room together long enough, there's going to be some kind of conflict; it's undoubtedly going to happen.” The most important part, she notes, is “using that negative experience as an opportunity to create a positive change in that particular relationship.” [6] You can try saying:
    • “I really messed up. I shouldn’t have said that to you. I reacted out of anger without thinking, and that was my fault.”
    • “You didn’t do anything wrong—it was all me.”
  7. Let him talk so he feels heard. After you get your apology out, let your boyfriend take the stage. Hear him out , and try not to interrupt. He might have a few more things to add on or some explanation on why it hurt him so much. Shahbazyan says, “Hopefully, they turn towards you and say, ‘Hey, this relationship is important. I appreciate your apology. Thank you for listening to me and understanding.’” Ultimately, she explains that the goal is to “recreate a relationship that's stronger than before that issue had happened at all.” [7]
    • As you listen to him, make eye contact and nod along. This shows him that you’re paying attention and you aren’t distracted.
    • If you’re apologizing over text, be sure to read his texts thoroughly and respond quickly. If you can, try to chat with him over the phone or via video chat instead.
  8. Empathize with your boyfriend to show him you care. As you listen to your boyfriend, show him that you understand why his feelings were hurt in the first place. You’ll make him feel understood, and you’ll also show him that you’re dedicated to not doing it again in the future. Licensed clinical psychologist Gera Anderson, PsyD, says, “Acknowledge their feelings and any actions on your part that may have led to those feelings.” [8] You might say:
    • “It makes a lot of sense why you felt that way. Thank you for sharing that with me.” [9]
    • “I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’d probably feel the same way in your position.”
  9. Show your boyfriend that you’re serious about not hurting him again. When you apologize, make sure you include some concrete changes that you want to make in your relationship. That way, you can both move on, confident that this problem won’t happen again. [10] Try saying:
    • “Next time, I’ll ask you to clarify what you mean before I snap at you. That way, we can avoid any miscommunication.”
    • “I’ll be sure to tell you when I’ve had a bad day at work. But I’m also gonna work on calming down and not taking my anger out on you.”
  10. 10
    Ask your boyfriend for forgiveness. Asking lets him know that you’re serious about your apology. As you wrap up your conversation, either in person or over text, end it by asking your boyfriend if he thinks he can forgive you. Shahbazyan explains that you need to give the hurt party their space if you love them and want to work on the relationship. “If you have done something where you genuinely feel like you need to apologize, you have to be able to tolerate [the awkwardness] long enough for the other person to get over it.” [11]
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Section 2 of 3:

What to Do After the Apology

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  1. Follow through on your apology so your boyfriend knows you’re serious. The most important part of your apology isn’t your words, it’s your actions. As you move forward, try your hardest not to hurt his feelings again. If you can show that you’re working on things, your relationship will benefit from it. [15]
    • Feel free to check in with your boyfriend about it every now and then, too. “I’ve been working on controlling my anger lately. Have you noticed anything different?”
  2. 2
    Give your relationship time to get back on track. You’ve apologized to your boyfriend wholeheartedly, taken accountability for your actions, and detailed what you would change moving forward. What next? Well, it really all depends on whether or not he forgives you. If he does forgive you, follow through with your promise and show him with consistent behaviors that you won’t make the same mistake again. [16]
    • Communicate openly with him in order to avoid any future mishaps, and give the relationship some time to return to normal. Remember: actions speak so much louder than your words, so be sure you’re backing up what you’re saying with noticeable changes to improve your relationship.
    • Your boyfriend will hopefully forgive you, but it’s always possible that he won’t. If he doesn’t forgive you, respect his choice and take a step back from the relationship.
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Section 3 of 3:

Why It’s Important to Apologize

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  1. Apologizing is an indicator of emotional maturity and can help mend broken relationships. Being accountable for your actions is a necessary part of adulthood, which is why apologizing to those you love when you’ve done something wrong is so important. Psychologically speaking, apologizing demonstrates remorse, empathy, social and emotional awareness, and signals a desire to change previous behaviors for the better. It also shows that you’re willing to put forth effort into your relationships, to both repair, nourish, and sustain them. [17]
    • Additionally, apologizing promotes forgiveness, which is another important skill to learn.
    • Apologizing can also help alleviate feelings of guilt and shame, allowing you to move forward.

Example Apologies and Apology Letter for Hurting Boyfriend's Feelings


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      Expert Interview

      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about apologies, check out our in-depth interview with William Gardner, PsyD .

      References

      1. ↑ William Gardner, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-say-sorry-and-mean-it
      3. ↑ https://hms.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Departments/Ombuds+Office/files/M.Wagner.ColumbiaUniversity.OmbudsOffice.ThePowerofApologies.pdf
      4. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/apologies.html
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-about-trauma/202101/i-m-sorry-how-do-you-offer-real-apology
      6. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Gera Anderson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201906/how-apologize-8-tips-keep-in-mind
      2. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Michelle Shahbazyan, MS, MA. Life Coach, Author, and Speaker. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Gera Anderson, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/the-art-of-a-heartfelt-apology-2021041322366
      6. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-say-sorry-and-mean-it
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200207/the-power-of-apology
      8. ↑ https://hms.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/Departments/Ombuds+Office/files/M.Wagner.ColumbiaUniversity.OmbudsOffice.ThePowerofApologies.pdf

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