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Amy Chan

Relationship Coach

Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times.

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Forum Comments (10)

Why do I miss my ex-girlfriend so much?
When you start dating someone, you feel really excited and get a lot of feel-good hormones flowing. During a breakup, the reverse happens, which leaves you feeling sad. It's normal to miss the good feelings you had with your ex, and this can tempt you to pursue her again. However, it's not always wise to do this. Fortunately, you'll feel much better when time passes. Make sure you're taking great care of yourself during your breakup and spending time doing things you enjoy.
What does heartbreak feel like?
Heartbreak can feel much like grieving someone who has passed away. Healing from heartbreak is not one linear line. After a heartbreak, your body is in a state of shock. The person you were used to talking to, cuddling with, bickering with, having sex with, or even just imagining doing these things with, in the case of unrequited love—they're no longer there. The loss will feel lonely and scary, and from a scientific standpoint, you're no longer getting your doses of dopamine and oxytocin (feel-good chemicals) from your partner. While on a logical level, your mind tells you it's over, your body is craving the chemical fix, which causes the urge to get back together, contact the ex, stalk your ex's social media, or text them.

Distracting yourself can help you heal from heartbreak. Get your feel-good chemicals from spending time with friends, community, and self-care. Get your endorphins going by exercising (hey, this is a great time to try out that new dance class you've been considering). Your mood will not want to do this, but it can really help you heal.
How do I stop having feelings for my ex?
To move on and get over your ex means to process the emotions of the relationship in a healthy way. Processing is very different from suppressing, distracting, or avoiding your emotions. Processing means allowing yourself to feel your emotions, allowing time for healing, and then reflecting on the lessons you can learn to grow from the experience.

Know the difference between processing and wallowing. The former means you feel the emotions and use self-care, self-compassion, and support to return to equilibrium. It means knowing you have agency over your destiny and that even though it's painful and uncomfortable, you will get back up.

Wallowing is when you see the situation through the lens of a victim and that you are helpless in your circumstances. When you are stuck in victimization, you are not processing, you're prolonging your suffering. When you've accepted, let go, forgiven, and can even find gratitude for the breakup, the emotional charge dissipates, and you feel a lightness and a sense of peace. That's when you've moved on.
How do I deal with an unrequited crush?
Research shows that the feelings of pain of a romantic rejection usually fade over about six months to two years. People with an anxious attachment style often take breakups harder than those with a secure or avoidant attachment style. Rejection can feel traumatizing, and it's normal to take time to grieve, process, and get back to equilibrium.

Studies show that bereaved people who avoid grief and make an effort to suppress emotion take the longest to recover from a loss. You need to process the emotional energy that is stuck in the body. Try practicing the Three R's to help process your emotions:

Recognize. First, you need to identify the emotion and feel it in the body. Close your eyes, and see what sensations come up in the body. Do you feel pressure anywhere? Tightness? Pain? Practicing mindfulness and meditation will help you with this ongoing process of learning to sense what is going on in the body.

Respond. In order to process emotion, it needs to be expressed. Ask yourself, what emotion did you connect with? What does it need from you? What feels right at this moment to let it speak, to give it a voice, to express? Maybe you need to cry, scream, shake, or dance.

Reflect. By writing about how you feel and where you feel it, you'll start to make sense of what is happening to gain perspective. What are your greatest points of grief and frustration? What is your body trying to tell you? What can you learn? Try not to filter or judge your thoughts, just keep the pen going to help you get into a flow state.
Should you block your ex on social media?
It's important to digitally detox from your ex after a breakup. Unfortunately, your brain is primed for obsessive behavior during this time, and your motivation system is seeking dopamine. Thus, whenever you replay that romantic video of your vacation, stalk their social media, or text them, you fall into a mental trap that keeps you addicted.

Before you look at old photos or check the ex's Instagram, stop and ask, "Am I being kind to myself right now?" You know the answer. Replace the urge for connection with another behavior that forces you to be present. This may mean you call a friend, go for a jog, or write a letter of gratitude to someone you love. The first few times you divert your behavior, it will feel contrived and highly challenging, but the more you practice replacing the self-sabotaging urge with a healthy practice, the easier it becomes.
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Co-authored Articles (43)

How to Text Your Ex Girlfriend After a Breakup (and How to Win Her Back)

Going through a breakup is never easy, and if you’re regretting how things ended up, you might be wondering what you can say to get your ex-girlfriend back. If you think that giving your relationship another chance wou...

How Long Before Your Ex Misses You? Signs and Triggers

Learn how to tell when your ex might miss you or want you back Regardless of who ended it, it's totally normal for you to miss your ex after a breakup. You cared for each other and shared an emotional bond that doesn't j...

How to End a Relationship Respectfully: What to Do & What Not to Do

Ease your soon-to-be-ex’s heartache by letting her down gentlySplitting up is tough for everyone involved, but if you’re preparing to break things off with your girlfriend and want to do it kindly, the good news is i...

How to Break Up with Someone Respectfully

A step-by-step guide to ending a relationship with someone you love Breaking up with a significant other can be upsetting for both parties, but there are ways to go about it that will help you treat the other person wit...

How to Move On From a Girl You Like

What to do when you can’t stop thinking about a girl We’ve been there: You just can’t get her out of your head, even when you know you can’t be with her. It’s tough, but it won’t be tough forever, and we’re...

How to Move on from Someone & Heal After a Breakup

Steps to let go of someone, deal with heartbreak, and move forwardIf you've recently gone through a breakup and are struggling to move on, you're not alone. And while it isn't always easy, anyone can do it with a bit of ...

What to Say & Do to Make Your Ex Stop Texting You

Plus, learn why they won't stop reaching out in the first placeGetting unwanted texts from an ex can be tough. You likely still care about them and don't want to see them hurting, but you might also be ready to move on. ...

How to

Get Over a Break Up

Ending a relationship is hard, whether it was your decision or the other person’s decision. You may be dealing with painful emotions and want to deal with those feelings as quickly as possible. There are several ways t...

What Are the Stages of a Breakup?

Expert advice on how to move on after a breakup Breakups are one of the most difficult but inescapable parts of life, and they can feel neverending when you’re in the middle of them. We're here to guide you through the...

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Get Over Being Used

Getting used is never a good feeling, whether it was by a friend, a family member, or a partner. Someone can use you by taking advantage of your kindness, your status, or even your money. To repair your emotions, allow y...

How to Get Over Someone You Love: 20 Ways to Move On

Expert advice on letting go and moving forwardGoing through a breakup or experiencing unrequited love can take some time to process. Even though things might seem painful now, rest assured that with a little time and som...

19 Ways to Quickly Move On & Let Go of Your Ex

How to recover from a breakup and feel like yourself againThere’s no denying that breakups are painful. A big part of your life has changed; how can you ever move on? Getting over someone you loved may seem impossible,...

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Get Over a Guy Who Doesn't Like You

When you're finally ready to get over a crush, you may wonder what to do next. You might know what to expect after breaking up with a boyfriend or getting a divorce, but how do you get over a relationship that never happ...

How to Be Happy Without a Romantic Partner

Learn to let go of relationship insecurities and live your best lifeWhen you’re single, it can often feel like everyone around you is coupled up and you’re the constant third wheel. However, the path to finding a par...

11+ Signs the No-Contact Rule Is Working After Your Breakup

We all go through breakups in our life, but if this breakup was particularly tough, you might have instituted the no contact rule. While this rule might be able to help you get your ex back, it can also speed up your hea...

How to

Stop Liking Your Crush

An old proverb holds that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But what it doesn’t say is that too much absence often makes the heart grow cold. If you have a crush on someone and they don’t feel the same way about y...

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Get Over a Girl You Love

Falling in love can be amazing...or dreadful, depending on the context. If you have fallen in love with a girl who doesn't feel the same, whatever the reason, you'll need to overcome these feelings to move on with your l...

Should You Block Your Ex on Social Media?

Helping you decide whether or not you should go no-contact after a breakup To block or not to block, that is the question. Our online connections often mean that even after we part ways with a significant other, we still...

How to

Resist the Urge to Call Your Ex

After a bad breakup, you might miss your ex and feel tempted to contact him or her, or you may be resentful and feel the urge to vent your frustrations. Whatever motivates your urge to call your ex, having contact while ...

How to Date Your Ex Again: Rekindle the Fire and Avoid Heartbreak

Dating your ex again can be a risk. If you go about it in an emotionally healthy way, you may be able to rekindle your relationship and make it stronger than ever. Focusing on how you’ve grown and what you can both to ...
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