Danielle Bezalel
Sex Educator
Education
- Master's in Public Health, Columbia University
- BA, Film and Media Studies, UC Berkeley
Professional Achievements
- Featured on the Netflix Docuseries "The Principles of Pleasure"
Certifications & Organizations
- Certificate in Sexuality, Sexual, and Reproductive Health, Columbia University
Favorite Piece of Advice
wikiHow's Editorial Process wikiHow partners with over 1000+ experts from a wide range of fields to ensure our content is accurate and based on well-established research and testimony. Content Managers conduct interviews and work closely with each expert to review information, answer reader questions, and add credible advice. Learn more about our editorial process and why millions of readers trust wikiHow.
Forum Comments (3)
1. Sex is not just penis and vagina sex. Sex is anything related to pleasuring the genitals and or erogenous zones. So when it comes to making out, when it comes to fingering, when it comes to oral, when it comes to using a toy, when it comes to watching porn together and getting aroused, all of those things can be considered sex. I think there's a misconception that once a penis enters a vagina, that's when a person "loses their virginity." Virginity is a construct. It's made up.
2. Throughout those different kinds of acts, using toys, oral, you can get STIs. It's really important to protect yourself against STIs by using condoms and dental dams. It's also important to know how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Everyone should know about the dual protection method. That's using condoms plus a form of birth control, whether that's an IUD, birth control pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, etc.
2. Sex should feel fun, and sex should feel good. We're really not taught those things! Sex ed only covers the risks of pregnancy and disease, but the reality is that there are risks and there are rewards to having sex. Most people have sex because they get rewards out of it. The reward is that you can connect with someone. It can feel really good, you can reach orgasm, you can feel pleasure, you can have fun, you can laugh.
3. Lube is your best friend when you're first starting to have sex. Likely, for people with vulvas, sex can feel uncomfortable if you're not using lube and if you're not taking your time. It's important to know that on average, people with vulvas take around 20 to 30 minutes to feel warmed up enough and ready to reach orgasm to climax, whereas people with penises take closer to five to 10 minutes. So it's important to know that if you're having sex with someone with a vulva or if you have a vulva, you might take a little bit more time to warm up. So think about how you're using fingers, how you're using a mouth, how you're using a toy, how you're taking your time using lube. Then if and when you're ready to have PV sex, know that you should go slow, you should take your time. If it hurts, you should stop. If it feels really uncomfortable, you should stop. Know that with time, most people are able to have penis/vagina sex that is pleasurable and comfortable.
4. Don't ever forget about the clitoris. Most women are not going to reach orgasm through penetration alone. Make sure to take turns - if once, the person with the penis orgasms first, the next time, the person with the vulva should orgasm first.
5. Aftercare is really important. Aftercare can be physical touch or verbal discussion. It can be taking a shower together, laying in bed, cuddling, tickling each other. It's about calming yourselves down, discussing what went well, and talking about anything that you want to process together. Orgasm can lead to a serotonin increase and oxytocin release. So there's a literal come-down of hormones after orgasm. It's important to get your body and your mind back to baseline with aftercare.
6. Finally, know that people who have sex with you need to respect you. They need to get your consent, and the sex needs to be comfortable and safe. Both people should have each other's pleasure in mind.
Even if you have sex once a week, for example, if you're not enjoying the kind of sex that you're having, it's irrelevant how much sex you're having. What really matters is that you're having a great experience. If you compare one person who has amazing sex with only one person for their entire life or another person who has okay sex with 20 people, that doesn't mean that the person who has sex with 20 people is having a better life. It's the same thing if you're comparing two couples, one of them has sex every day or every other day, and one has sex once a week. It doesn't necessarily mean that the couple who's having sex every day is having more pleasure. Maybe it's just that they have higher libidos.
An important piece of this conversation is that it's important to think about how masturbation can play a role in your own sex life, even when you're partnered. For people who have mismatched libidos or who are worried that they're not having enough sex, know that you have the ability to have sex with yourself whenever you want. I want to empower couples to be able to access that side of their pleasure in the shower, in the bed, or anywhere. There are so many ways to access pleasure on your own.
To give this answer some specific numbers, a study from 2015 showed that having sex once a week is a good frequency for maintaining a happy relationship. So that can be a ballpark number, but I also think that if people have sex once a month and they're really happy with their sex life, or even once every other month and they're really happy with their sex life, it's more about finding a person who you can get on the same page with about how much exactly how much sex that you want to have.
Also, before you launch into dirty talk, make sure you ask your partner: "How do you feel about dirty talk? Are you down to do that today?" Ask them this outside of the bedroom so there is no power dynamic at play. If they're not into it that day, it doesn't mean they don't love you or they're rejecting you. It just means that that's not something they want to do in that moment.
A few other phrases you can try are "you're so dirty," "you're a dirty girl/boy," "you've been a good girl/boy" (some people have a praise kink). Always check in with your partner to see what they like and don't like, as consent is sexy.
Co-authored Articles (10)
13 Ways to Pleasure a Woman
Your guide to improving your sex life and turning your partner onWant to know the best way to give a woman a mind-blowing experience in bed? You’ve come to the right place! From foreplay to sex positions to cuddling af...
How to
Moan
Moaning tells your partner that you're turned on or feeling pleasure. In theory, a moan is a sexy, involuntary noise – you moan in the heat of the moment because you are overcome by sensation.. 23 July 2025. Not ev...
How to Use a Penis Pump
Lots of guys struggle to get or maintain an erection, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't give up hope—a penis pump can help and it's quick and easy to use. It's a common treatment that doctors recommend fo...
How to Use K-Y Jelly Personal Lubricant & Yours + Mine Couples Lube
Stay comfortable during intimate moments with this guide to K-Y lubeUsing lubricant for the first time can seem tricky, but there’s no need to worry! K-Y Jelly is a water-based lubricant that can make sex and masturbat...
The Best Questions About Sex to Ask Your Partner
How to ask your partner about sex, and what to ask themWhether you want to get dirty and flirty with your partner, find out what they’re into, or have a serious talk about sexual health and experiences, a well-placed q...
18 Tips To Have a Better Sex Life
The secrets to a healthy, sexual life at any ageAn active sex life can be important for your physical, mental, and emotional health, as well as help strengthen the bond between you and your partner. But sometimes stress,...
How to Choose a Lubricant for Masturbation & Sex
The different kinds of lube and how to use them You’ve probably seen lots of different lube bottles stacked up at your local pharmacy or grocery store—but which is right for you? Between all the different labels, it...
How to Wash & Sanitize Vibrators (& Other Sex Toys)
Extend the life of your vibe with our easy cleaning guideCleaning your vibrator can be just as quick and easy as washing your hands—typically, all you need is soap and water to get your sex toy sparkling clean.. 17 Apr...
How to
Make a Substitute Sanitary Pad
If you're on your period and you don't have a sanitary pad on hand, you might be feeling stressed out or even embarrassed. Luckily, though, a little creativity will get you through the day until you can find a pad or a t...
How to Buy Sex Toys & Intimate Products Confidently
Learn to drop the discomfort when purchasing sex-oriented itemsIt's your anniversary and everything is perfectly set, the flowers, the chocolate, and even some champagne. Then, you notice you are missing something, maybe...
