How to Be Sexually Attractive: What to Do, What to Say, and More

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Desire is often mysterious and subjective: what do you wear, how do you act, and what do you say in order to appear sexually attractive to another person? Thankfully, there are a few tried-and-true methods based on expert research that will help you become more sexually attractive to other people, whether you’ve got your eye on that cute guy browsing at the bookstore or want to keep the flame burning with your wife of 10 years. If you want to ooze seduction, read on!

This article is based on an interview with our licensed psychosexual therapist, Jacqueline Hellyer, founder of The Love Life Blog and The LoveLife Clinic. Check out the full interview here.

Things You Should Know

  • Confidence is key. Having good self-esteem is the best way to make yourself sexually attractive.
  • Use body language to indicate your interest. Maintain eye contact, smile, and maybe throw out a wink or two.
  • Don't underestimate the value of directness! Sometimes, you have to ask for what you want, whether it's a stranger's number or a romp in the hay.
  • Show interest, but don't put too much pressure on making a connection, Also, don't take rejection to heart. It happens to everyone!
1

Be confident.

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  1. When you want to be sexually attractive to another person, the best thing you can do is be confident . The thought of being rejected can be anxiety-inducing, especially if it happens a lot. But showcasing your self-acceptance, independence, and sense of purpose outside of dating will paradoxically make you more sexually attractive. [1]
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2

Have a sense of humor.

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  1. Studies indicate people who laugh together are more likely to be romantically interested in one another. You don’t have to be a comedian to have a good sense of humor —just laugh easily and be able to make fun of yourself. [6]
    • People love to be entertained and to laugh, and we really only laugh when we feel safe. The more you can get someone to laugh, the more attracted they will be to you.
3

Be kind and show interest.

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  1. Generally, you want to be nice to everybody—but make sure your crush knows they’re special. Compliment them, ask them about their life, and show you are curious about them—and be sincere. We tend to fall for people who make us feel understood. [7]
    • Many people like to hear that they are physically attractive, but be sure to compliment the person you’re interested in on their non-physical traits, too.
    • Studies show people are often attracted to people who are…attracted to them! So don’t be afraid to show your crush you’d like to be closer to them. [8]
    • While pickup artists aplenty push the seductive powers of “negging” (that is, being negative to someone—usually women—in order to get their attention), research indicates most people are turned off by rudeness (surprise, surprise!). [9]
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4

Exercise.

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  1. While some people are sexually attracted to certain body types, exercise is also just a way to make you feel better about yourself and thus appear more attractive to others. Working out releases endorphins that increase your happiness, energy level, confidence, and sociability—all big green flags. [10]
    • Better yet, go on an exercise date with your crush or partner: you’ll both be feeling happy and confident by the end of it—plus, the adrenaline that comes from exercise is easily translated to sexual arousal.
    Jillian Michaels, Fitness Trainer & Television Personality

    Exercise has positive ripple effects. "Fitness is an entry point to help you build a happier, healthier life. When your health is strong, you're capable of taking risks. You'll feel more confident to ask for the promotion. You'll have more energy. You'll feel more deserving of love."


5

Be mysterious.

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  1. Be nice and show interest, yes, but that doesn’t mean laying everything out on the table as soon as you meet someone. Oversharing or coming on too strongly is likely to turn potential dates off, and we tend to be attracted to people whose interest level is unclear. The person you’re chatting up will find it hard to stop wondering what you’re thinking. [11]
    • In other words, don’t show up on someone’s lawn with a boombox streaming “In Your Eyes” until after you've been on a few dates (or ever).
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6

Delete social media (or lock your accounts).

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  1. When prepping for a date with someone you met through an app, it’s almost become second nature to stalk their social media. But not having an online presence can be alluring to potential partners because it suggests confidence and independence—you don’t need to share your thoughts with the world for likes and comments!—and it also adds a bit of that all-important mystery. [12]
    • That said, there are benefits to pre-date social media stalking. Social media clues us in on people’s likes and dislikes and, perhaps most important of all for a first date, their potential red flags.
7

Dress sharp.

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  1. While a friendly and charming personality is the most important aspect of sexual attraction, it doesn’t hurt to look your best. Dress appropriately for the circumstances, in clean, unwrinkled clothing. Maybe add a spritz of fragrance. But while our culture stresses the importance of looking good for other people, what really makes you attractive is feeling good about yourself. People are drawn to confidence and self-acceptance. [13]
    • Care about your appearance. That doesn’t mean looking a specific way, but embracing your personal sense of style.
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8

Show some skin.

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  1. Studies show that revealing a bit of skin will influence others to perceive you as full of desire and hungry for pleasure. You don’t have to be naked to look sexy (and obviously you can’t in public)—just a hint of bare skin will increase sexual attractiveness. [14]
    • You might wear a shirt with cutouts, a sleeveless or low-cut top, or tight clothing to showcase your body. Show as much or as little skin as is comfortable to you.
9

Wear red to attract attention.

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  1. Psychologically speaking, the color red evokes boldness, sexuality, passion, even sin. Wear this color not just to draw attention to yourself, but to portray yourself as sultry, sexy, and confident. (And remember, everyone is attracted to confidence!) [15]
    • From Valentine’s Day to red light districts, the color red evokes both the romantic and the erotic.
    • If red isn’t your color, you don’t have to deck yourself out in it: try incorporating a tie with red accents, red hair clips, red jewelry, or classic red lipstick.
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10

Practice good hygiene.

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  1. A spray of cologne or perfume can help attract eligible singles, but it’s not a substitute for bathing. Scrub down every day or two, and maintain your hair and nails. [16]
    • Don’t confuse good hygiene with pressure to present a certain way. For instance, being hygienic doesn’t mean shaving facial or body hair if you don’t want to—it just means ensuring you’re clean, neat, and in control of your body.
11

Have friends with you.

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  1. Being seen interacting and laughing with other people will make you seem friendly and likable. This is known as the “cheerleader effect.” Whether you’re using a wingman to talk you up to a cutie at the party or you carpooled to the shindig with a gaggle of fun-loving pals, you’ll get by with a little help from your friends. [17]
    • Of course, don’t keep your buds around the whole time—you want to have one-on-one time with the person you’re flirting with.
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12

Make eye contact.

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  1. In the age of Covid, many of us have gotten pretty darn good at using our eyes to express interest. But even when you’re not masked up, fixing your gaze on your crush will show them you’re paying attention to what they’re saying—and that you like what you’re seeing! The eyes, as they say, are the window to the soul. [18]
    • If you want to get someone to approach you, make the subtle first move by initiating eye contact and smiling a bit. This will hint to them that you want them to chat you up. [19]
    • If you’re staring someone down and they don’t respond, either be more direct with them, or take their neutrality as a sign they’re not interested.
    • For that matter, don’t stare anyone down: too intense a gaze can make people uncomfortable. Researchers recommend about 3 seconds of sustained eye contact at a time. [20]
13

Smile—and make it authentic.

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  1. Smiling is a way of indicating that you are friendly, open, and easy to get along with. It also tells the person you're talking to that you're interested in them and what they're saying. Smile at a person you're interested in to encourage them to open up to you. [21]
    • Some people, especially women, may smile to indicate nervousness. [22] How do you discern a genuine smile from an inauthentic one? A real smile engages the entire face, while a fake smile will only engage the mouth.
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14

Use body language to appear approachable.

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  1. Loose posture indicates you are easygoing and friendly—don’t slouch your shoulders, but relax your muscles, and keep your arms and legs uncrossed. Once you’re in a conversation with someone, practice mirroring their body language and tilting your head while they speak: these are signs you are interested in what they are saying. [23]
    • If you're at a club or somewhere where it's appropriate to dance and move about, do so. Everyone is attracted to people who seem fun and approachable—and your dance moves might provide insight into how you operate in the bedroom.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1047 wikiHow readers about what body language they find irresistible, and only 6% said that they're attracted to people who touch their hair . [Take Poll] So while getting touchy-feely too soon may not be the best strategy, you can still attract people to you with relaxed posture and a warm smile.
15

Make excuses to flirt.

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  1. The cold approach can be off-putting to the flirtee and just plain awkward for the flirter. But finding an excuse to speak to someone new can ease you into flirtation that feels natural. [24]
    • Use your environment to your advantage. If you’re in a bookstore, you might wander over to where a cute girl is and ask if she can recommend a book from that genre. [25]
    • Making an excuse to flirt also helps you save face if the person doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. (You weren’t flirting, you were looking for book recs, right?)
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16

Bite your lip.

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  1. Bite your lip (and smile a bit) while speaking to someone to draw attention to your mouth. Lip-biting is a subtle sign to the person you’re flirting with that you want their lips on top of yours, or that you’re holding back saying what you really want to say (and we’re back to mystery again!). [26]
    • Remember Prince Harry biting his lip at Meghan on their wedding day? Carry that energy with you the next time you’re cruising for honeys. [27]
17

Tease.

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  1. Create sexual tension by coupling words that push your crush away—such as “I’d be in trouble if I dated you” or “You’re such a huge dork”—with body language that pulls them closer—such as eye contact, smirking, or literally pulling them closer. [28]
    • While it’s important to be kind, that doesn’t rule out playful teasing. Teasing is a great way to build sexual tension as well as indicate to the other person that you feel comfortable and intimate with them. [29]
    • Teasing isn’t game-playing—remember, most people aren’t receptive to the confusion of mind games. And you certainly don’t want to be mean or negative here; instead, go for playfully contradictory.
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18

Use physical contact to flirt.

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  1. Subtle touching can send a message with no words . Your mouth might be saying, “How ‘bout them Yankees?” but if you’re finding excuses to touch your crush’s elbow, sit shoulder to shoulder, whisper in their ear, or hold their hand, it doesn’t matter how mundane your conversation is, you’re creating some major sexual tension. [30]
    • Be respectful and receptive to rejection: some people may not like being touched, especially if they do not return your feelings, and may pull away. Don’t take their rejection to heart, but accept their answer.
19

Be direct.

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  1. It's romantic to think that you can lock eyes with a hottie across the room, whether they’re a total stranger or your wife of 32 years, and just know that you’re going to end up hot and heavy in the coat closet. But despite what movies may suggest, most people aren't mind-readers. So if you’re waiting for a “sign” to ask for a cutie’s number, or if you’re frustrated your boyfriend isn’t picking up on your subtle stroking of his leg, you may need to be more direct and ask if they want to date, kiss, bone, or what have you. [31]
    • Many people hesitate to be direct because we don’t want to come on too strong and because directness opens the door to rejection. It’s a risk, for sure, but a worthwhile one!
    • Who knows? Maybe the apple of your eye is waiting for you to take the lead!
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20

Talk dirty.

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  1. Whether to talk dirty or not, and how filthy to make it, depends on the situation, of course. Sprinkle some dirty talk into your conversation to add to the sexual tension and indicate to the person you’re flirting with where your mind is at. [32]
    • You can keep it subtle and limit your dirty talk to sexual innuendo, or kick up the heat and whisper in your crush’s ear exactly what you’re thinking.
21

Discuss sex.

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  1. In the end, everyone has different preferences. It’s a bit of a risk to ask a stranger in a bar what they’re into, but if you want to be more attractive to someone you’re already involved with, talk to them about what they like in bed . [33]
    • Ask your partner what turns them on, what they like to do during sex, and what fantasies they have. Do they like it when you tug their hair? Hug them from behind?
    • It might sound awkward or even forced at first, but once you initiate the conversation, the heat is sure to build.
    • After you find out what your partner likes, you can practice implementing it into your seduction routine to become more sexually attractive to them.
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      References

      1. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ https://news.ku.edu/2015/08/27/first-comes-laughter-then-love-study-finds-out-why-humor-important-romantic-attraction
      7. ↑ Alysha Jeney, MA, LMFT. Licensed Relationship Therapist. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563218301870
      9. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563218301870
      1. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/wellness/fitness/how-to-start-exercising-and-stick-to-it
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/releases/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not-women-are-more-attracted-to-men-whose-feelings-are-unclear.html
      3. ↑ https://www.sae.edu/gbr/insights/online-presence-and-authentic-engagement-sae-blog/
      4. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201207/outside-in-dress-impress-yourself
      6. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/08/red-attraction
      7. ↑ Mark Rosenfeld. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.scienceofpeople.com/make-friends/
      9. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/prolonged-eye-contact
      12. ↑ https://www.npr.org/2021/07/11/1014019821/flirting-how-to-dating-romance-advice
      13. ↑ https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/what_does_a_smile_say
      14. ↑ https://edu.gcfglobal.org/en/business-communication/the-power-of-body-language/1/
      15. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      16. ↑ Imad Jbara. Dating Coach. Expert Interview
      17. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/body-language/
      18. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/flirting
      19. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview
      20. ↑ https://www.researchgate.net/publication/274034637_I_Know_You're_Kidding_Relationship_Closeness_Enhances_Positive_Perceptions_of_Teasing
      21. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview
      22. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview
      23. ↑ https://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org/facts/sex/intimacy-and-relationships/
      24. ↑ Jacqueline Hellyer. Licensed Psychosexual Therapist. Expert Interview

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