How to Give Her Space (And What to Do When She Asks for It)

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What she *really* means when she asks for space
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Being in a relationship is often a full-time commitment, but it’s normal to need some space now and then. Still, it can be nerve-wracking for your partner to ask for space, especially if you think the relationship is going well. In this article, we’ll teach you how to give a woman space , as well as why she might ask for space and how to know if you should give it to her , all with helpful tips from clinical psychologists and dating coaches.

What to Do When She Asks for Space

Clinical psychologist Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD, says different people have different needs, so it’s natural for a woman to want space. When she asks for space, instead of questioning her or pushing back, do the following things:

  • Define what type of space she needs. Then, respect her wishes and give her said space.
  • Trust that she’s being honest about her reasoning.
  • Treat the new space as an opportunity to focus on yourself and what you enjoy.
  • Only reconnect and have conversations about closing the space if she expresses that she’s ready for it.
Section 1 of 3:

How to Give Her Space

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  1. If she asks for space and you’re confused, calmly ask her to clarify what she means. According to Weiss, different people have different needs, and it’s really important to understand what she’s asking for here. If she says she needs space, say something like, “I have no problem honoring your request, but can you tell me a little bit more about what you need?” [1]
    • Don’t shout, get frustrated, or shut down. Just listen. [2]
    • Depending on how she’s feeling, she may want:
      • More personal space. In this case, you may have been a little clingy for her tastes. She may ask you to back off or ask that you stop prying into her personal life. This is common in new relationships, so don’t worry.
      • More freedom. If the relationship is new, she may still be getting used to the adjustment. If it’s an established relationship, she may simply miss her friends or spending some time alone.
      • A break. A formal break means that you’re putting the relationship on pause. If this happens, don’t worry. A break isn’t always a breakup. It typically just means she needs time to process her feelings and figure out what she wants. [3]

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD , is a clinical psychologist with over 15 years of experience. She specializes in trauma, grief, resilience, and self-connection.

    Patti Novak Williams is a professional matchmaker & dating coach with over 20 years of experience. She specializes in helping individual clients find love.

    Susan Pazak, PhD , is a licensed clinical psychologist & professional life coach with over 21 years of experience. She specializes in treating young adults using cognitive behavioral therapy.

  2. Women typically don’t speak in riddles or code, so don’t read into things. If she tells you she wants a little bit of time to relax or catch up on schoolwork, don’t assume she’s about to leave you heartbroken. One of the worst things you can do when a girl asks for space is to overanalyze the situation, so don’t! It may seem odd, but this is a good thing. [4]
    • By telling you what she needs, she’s giving you a roadmap to building a successful relationship.
    • If she has the courage to tell you she wants a little room to do her own thing, she’d have the courage to say she wants to see other people or split up.
    • Remember, no amount of pressure, complaining, or wooing is going to change her mind. The best thing you can do at this point is honor her request, even if it sounds a little painful right now. Things will get better.
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  3. Ignoring her needs when she wants more space is a great way to get things to blow up in your face. If she asks for a few days or weeks of alone time, give it to her. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or anything, but it might be in trouble if you can’t honor her request to let her be. [5]
    • If she said she still wants to talk or hang out, but she just wants more room to do her own thing, it’s totally fine to stay in contact. Just don’t pester her with invasive questions or complain about her hanging out with other people. That’s only going to drive her away.
  4. Everybody needs some personal space to engage in things they like. As hard as it may be, try to reframe your perspective and look at the upside here. If she’s out pursuing things she enjoys, you have the space to do things you enjoy! Realize that she isn’t going out of her way to hurt you—she just wants some privacy and freedom, which is a chance for you to get the same. [6]
    • If she has asked you to stop prying into her personal life, just keep things light. Stay away from investigative questions about who she’s hanging out with or what she’s doing.
    • If she wants more time to do things on her own, celebrate it. Encourage her to go out with her friends and have fun.
  5. If you have an instrument you play or a game you love, spend your time doing that. If you love playing sports, spend a few extra days shooting hoops or playing tennis. If you were spending a lot of time with her before, you may find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands. Fill that time with fun activities and hobbies to keep yourself from wallowing or getting down. [7]
    • If you don’t know how to spend your sudden influx of free time, now is the perfect time to pick up a new hobby !
    • If you aren’t on a no-contact break , there’s nothing wrong with inviting her along or telling her about the things you’re doing in your spare time.
    • If you sit around worrying about what she’s doing or feeling bad that she isn’t here, no good is going to come of it. Not only is it healthy to pursue things you care about, but it’s a great way to keep your mind from going to a negative place.
  6. Socializing with other people you care about is a great way to spend your time. Look at this as an opportunity to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while, or meet new people. If you’re invited to any parties or social gatherings, go. Spend time with your family as well. According to Weiss, we all need time to spend with family and friends. [8]
    • The more connected you are to other people in your life, the happier you’re going to be.
    • This is a great time to reconnect with old friends you haven’t had time for while you were spending all of your time with your partner.
    • If you’re on a break and the two of you are no longer committed, she may want to date other people. If this is the case, go on a date or two of your own!
      • Companionship is always healthy, especially if you’re dealing with a painful pause in your relationship.
  7. The better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to win her over. Try working out every week by running or lifting weights, and eat healthy meals full of lean proteins, vegetables, and whole grains. Seek advice from people you respect and listen to them. If you’re behind at work or you need to pull your grades up, commit your energy to improving at work or school. You’ll be happier if you grow as a person. [9]
    • Improving your confidence can also show her that you’re serious relationship material.
    • Now is a great opportunity to update your wardrobe, clean your home, and get a haircut.
  8. The last thing she’ll want to do is talk about your relationship right now. If she wants space, she needs a little room to breathe. If you’re still talking right now, text her jokes you overheard at work or discuss a movie you recently saw. Avoid prying into how she’s spending her time or asking her questions about the state of your relationship. The more laid back you are, the more room you’ll give the relationship to grow organically. [10]
    • Wait for her to make the first move when it comes to the relationship talk. She’ll revisit the state of your relationship when she’s ready.
    • It’s perfectly fine to be flirty or remind her that you care about her, but don’t throw a ton of “I miss you” or “I love you so much” texts at her. Unless she wanted space because she thought you didn’t care about her, this is only going to make her feel pressured.
  9. Even if you never send it, writing a love letter is a great way to process your thoughts. If you’re feeling a little emotional or you’re hurting, sit down with a pen and paper. Start writing about how you really feel about her. You could even do this every day in a journal. This is a therapeutic way to express yourself, and it’s a great way to analyze your emotions and process the pain you’re going through. [11]
    • If you do reconnect and discuss what the break was like for both of you, you could show her the letters to really demonstrate how you feel.
    • You don’t have to do anything with the letters. You can always throw them out if you find them embarrassing or if you’ve written something negative. It’s still a productive exercise either way.
  10. You’re probably going to go crazy if you keep checking her Instagram or Facebook. Do yourself a favor and just stay off of social media for now. Temporarily delete your accounts or take the apps off your phone. Even if you don’t plan on checking her account, you may accidentally scroll across something she posted. If that happens, you may feel down or start imagining the worst possible scenario if she posts a photo or status. [12]
    • If you’re feeling down, seeing a bunch of photos or status updates about how well other people are doing probably won’t do any good either.
  11. Take things slow and let the relationship take its course naturally. If the two of you are meant for one another, it will happen. If she texts or calls you asking to go on a date or attend an event together, go for it! However, don’t bombard her with questions about what your future looks like together or if she wants you back. Enjoy your time with her, treat her with respect , and let the relationship grow over time. [13]
    • Avoid repeating any mistakes you made before. If she wanted more attention, give it to her. If she wanted more time to hang out with her friends, let her. Whatever it was, just do your best to be a great partner for her.
    • Grand gestures of devotion are great in the movies, but they can backfire if you overdo it just as the two of you are getting back into the swing of things.
  12. You cannot control what she does or what she wants, so let go of any expectations. You have needs, and she has needs. If the two of you don’t align on what you’re looking for in a relationship, it may be best for you to move on. You deserve to be fulfilled and loved, so don’t settle or give up on yourself. [14]
    • It can take time to find the person who is right for you. If this relationship doesn’t work out, remember that there are always more fish in the sea. It probably isn’t what you want to hear right now, but it’s true.
    • Don’t let her string you along. If she acts like you’re her entire world one day and then turns around and gives you the cold shoulder the next, stand up for yourself. If she isn’t ready to commit, that’s on her.
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Section 2 of 3:

Why does she need space?

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  1. 1
    She just needs time to herself to recharge. Weiss says space in a relationship is important. You both have different needs and require space to respond to those needs, so it’s natural to want some time away from one another. [15] It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be with you; if you’ve spent a lot of time together recently, she may just need some alone time to recharge her batteries.
  2. 2
    She needs time to reflect on the situation. If you’re facing a challenge in your relationship (like you’re arguing a lot or one of you is getting ready for a big move), she may ask for space so she can think. Most likely, she’s looking for quiet time to reflect on her feelings, her life’s direction, or her personal goals outside of your relationship dynamics. [16]
  3. 3
    She wants some time for her personal interests. Sometimes, asking for space just means she needs some time to herself and her life. She may have friends she wants to see, hobbies she wants to take up, or interests that she feels haven’t been tended to. In this case, it doesn’t really have anything to do with you. Rather, it’s a sign that she’s looking to strengthen her personal identity. [17]
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Section 3 of 3:

Should you give her space?

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  1. 1
    If she asks for space, give it to her. Don’t beg and plead about how you can make things work or what needs to be done to make her feel better. If she asks for space, she probably needs it, so respect her wishes and give it to her. If you want to talk about the situation at hand, give her time to process her feelings first. Check in on her from time to time, and let her know that you’re there whenever she wants to talk things out.
    • If you want a healthy relationship, it’s important to respect your partner’s boundaries. Licensed clinical psychologist and professional life coach Susan Pazak, PhD, says, “Listen to and respect her boundaries… Find other ways to meet your needs rather than depending on your girlfriend.” [18]
    • She may be spent and need some time to herself. Trust that she’s being honest and respect her wishes. It can help you stay in her good graces.
  2. 2
    Ask if she needs space if you aren’t sure how she’s feeling. If you notice that your partner has been distant and you’re unsure if you should give her space, find some time to sit down with her and discuss her feelings, preferably in a peaceful environment. Ask her how she’s been feeling, and if she explains that she’s been down or unsure about the direction of your relationship, ask if she needs space. This will show her that you respect her boundaries and will hopefully help you fix any issues in the relationship.
    • If she is upset about something that isn’t about your relationship, don’t ask if she needs space. She probably needs your support! Instead, ask how you can support her or what you can do to help.
    • Example: “Hey, I noticed you’ve been distant lately and was wondering how you’ve been doing. Is everything alright?”
    EXPERT TIP

    Patti Novak Williams

    Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach
    Patti Novak Williams is a Professional Matchmaker in Las Vegas, Nevada. With over 20 years of experience, Patti specializes in working with clients one on one to help them find love. She has helped match hundreds of couples, engagements, and marriages. Patti was the star of the critically acclaimed A&E series “Confessions of a Matchmaker.” She has been featured in the New York Times, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, and The Wall Street Journal, and has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, TODAY with Hoda and Kathy Lee, The Rachael Ray Show, CBS’ The Early Show, CNN, The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, The Nate Berkus Show, and Fox’s The Morning Show With Mike & Juliet. Patti published a book in 2008 with Random House titled “Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find True Love.”
    Patti Novak Williams
    Professional Matchmaker & Dating Coach

    Consider why your partner needs space. Maybe they came from a large family and need time alone, or maybe they’re an only child. Whatever the case may be, consider why they need the space. Ideally, you’ll already have had the conversation about their background to understand their need for space.

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  • Question
    What should I do when a girl asks for space?
    Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
    Relationship Psychologist
    Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.
    Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
    Relationship Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Let her have her alone time. Everyone needs their space at some point so give it to her.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    What does it mean to give space in a relationship?
    Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
    Relationship Psychologist
    Dr. Elizabeth Weiss is a licensed clinical psychologist in Palo Alto, California. She received her Psy.D. in 2009 at Palo Alto University's PGSP-Stanford PsyD Consortium. She specializes in trauma, grief, and resilience, and helps people reconnect with their full self after difficult and traumatic experiences.
    Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD
    Relationship Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    It depends on the person who's asking for space, so it can mean different things to different people. The best way to find out what your partner needs is to ask them what they expect. You could say, "I understand you need space and will respect your boundaries, but could you tell me what space means to you?"
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/18/dating-not-ready-for-relationship-unrequited-love-swipe-right
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-of-love/201601/this-is-the-difference-between-a-breakup-and-a-break
      4. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/18/dating-not-ready-for-relationship-unrequited-love-swipe-right
      5. ↑ https://www.chicagotribune.com/redeye/ct-redeye-ask-anna-partner-wants-space-0130-20200127-t5j7x7fdkfbdtfofds5ljx722q-story.html
      6. ↑ https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/forget-sex-the-secret-to-a-longlasting-relationship-is-space-20121105-28tle.html
      7. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-things-not-to-do-when-she-says-she-wants-space/
      8. ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-things-not-to-do-when-she-says-she-wants-space/
      1. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-things-not-to-do-when-she-says-she-wants-space/
      2. ↑ https://www.chicagotribune.com/redeye/ct-redeye-ask-anna-partner-wants-space-0130-20200127-t5j7x7fdkfbdtfofds5ljx722q-story.html
      3. ↑ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-things-not-to-do-when-she-says-she-wants-space/
      4. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/18/dating-not-ready-for-relationship-unrequited-love-swipe-right
      5. ↑ https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/18/dating-not-ready-for-relationship-unrequited-love-swipe-right
      6. ↑ Elizabeth Weiss, PsyD. Relationship Psychologist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/when-she-says-she-needs-space/
      8. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/when-she-says-she-needs-space/
      9. ↑ Susan Pazak, PhD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist & Professional Life Coach. Expert Interview

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If a girl you're seeing asks for some space, do your best to honor her request and remember that spending time apart can often bring couples closer together. Give her space by avoiding texting or calling her, and wait until she initiates a conversation with you. When you’re not spending time with your girl, enjoy your own life by reconnecting with friends and family members. You can also spend your time getting caught up on work or working on a new hobby or interest. To learn how to reconnect with your girl, keep reading!

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