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Learn to enforce boundaries and make your bedroom less appealing
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Are you tired of family members barging into your room unannounced or worse, going through your things when you’re out? Many young people who still live at home with their parents deal with this issue at some point, and it can be very frustrating. Luckily, there are a variety of different options you can try out to prevent it from continuing! Keep reading to figure out how to keep your stinky younger sibling or nosy parent out of your private business, with insightful tips from etiquette and psychology experts.
How to Keep People Out of Your Room
Life coach Amber Rosenberg, PCC, suggests expressing your feelings calmly and respectfully. Assert your boundaries and need for privacy. Post a sign on your bedroom door asking that people knock before entering. If they keep barging in, confront them, ask your parents for help, or consider a lock for your door.
Steps
Section 1 of 4:
Communicating Directly with Your Family
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Explain your feelings calmly and respectfully. This is the best way to talk to your family about privacy. Ask them nicely to respect your space and privacy, just as you respect theirs. Express your feelings without pleading, whining, getting upset, or acting victimized. Be firm, to the point, and respectful throughout the entire conversation. Rosenberg advises that you “try the sandwich approach.” She explains that “you start with a positive, ask for what you want or need, and end with a positive.” [1] X Expert Source Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Founder of Pacific Life Coach Expert Interview- You can say things like, "I don't feel like I have any personal space or privacy in my bedroom. Can we talk about that? It's upsetting me."
- Or you could try to put a knocking policy into place. Start the conversation with something like, "I want to start a new rule in the house about knocking before entering. Can we have a family meeting about that?"
- You could also say, "I respect your privacy and knock on your door. I want you to do the same thing for me."
- Clinical psychologist Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS, defines what boundaries
are: “Boundaries are specific guidelines, standards, desires, rules, or limits that an individual establishes to protect themselves and others. Boundaries are not a denial of your love and affection for someone; rather, you are asking that others respect you as an individual.” [2]
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Expert Source
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview
Meet the wikiHow Experts
Amber Rosenberg, PCC , is a Professional Life Coach with over 20 years of coaching experience and is the owner of Pacific Life Coach.
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS is a Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of experience specializing in working with families, children, and couples.
Tami Claytor is an Etiquette Coach with over 20 years of experience teaching etiquette classes.
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Post a warning sign on your bedroom door. “Please knock before entering” and “Please don’t enter without my permission” would both work great. This is one physical way of setting a boundary, and Rosenberg adds how difficult it can be to do that when it comes to family: “the closer we are to someone, the harder it is to maintain strong boundaries.” [3] X Expert Source Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Founder of Pacific Life Coach Expert Interview However, a sign is a good and simple way to reinforce those boundaries with relatives.- If it’s a younger sibling you’re having trouble with, be sure to post the sign at eye level for them.
- If the sibling is too young to read, draw a picture of a person knocking on a door.
- You could also hang a dry-erase marker board on your door so that you can change the message sometimes and even address specific family members in the message.
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Be assertive and confront them. Sometimes being polite just won't work, especially with younger siblings. If you've already spoken to your family about respecting your privacy with no results, be very firm with them the next time it happens. Of course, there is no reason to get mean or aggressive, but it's okay to assert your need for privacy. Etiquette coach Tami Claytor acknowledges how hard it can be to confront family: “If it's family, it actually is a little harder because you don't want to ruffle feathers… [Conflict] tends to last a little bit longer within the family dynamic.” [4] X Expert Source Tami Claytor
Etiquette Coach Expert Interview Try doing the following:- Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you'll regret later. Dr. Brown says, “Always be respectful of others when conveying your desires.” He adds that you should “voice each message with an 'I' statement. Refrain from using language that is accusatory.” [5]
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Expert Source
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview - Be perfectly honest about why you feel the need to stand firm in your conviction. Say things like, "We’ve already talked about this—- I need you to listen to me."
- If someone barges in while you're in your room, stand up and escort them back out the door.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Make sure you're still being respectful, though. While it's important to express your needs and feelings to your family, it's also important to be respectful when you set those boundaries.
- Avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that you'll regret later. Dr. Brown says, “Always be respectful of others when conveying your desires.” He adds that you should “voice each message with an 'I' statement. Refrain from using language that is accusatory.” [5]
X
Expert Source
Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
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Involve your parents when you're dealing with intrusive siblings. Go to your parents privately to ask for their assistance. Explain in a calm way that you're really upset about this, and that you deserve privacy. Ask them to intervene on your behalf. According to Rosenberg, “When setting boundaries, there is no need to justify, give excuses, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious, and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.” [6] X Expert Source Amber Rosenberg, PCC
Founder of Pacific Life Coach Expert Interview- Make it clear to your sibling that when they barge into your room that you are going to go tell your parents immediately. You could give them a warning and say, "The next time this happens, you're going to get in trouble with mom and dad."
- As soon as they come in, say, "I'm going to tell mom and dad about this right now."
- Get up immediately and go get one or both of your parents. Confront your sibling in front of your parents and ask them to back you up.
- Once you've got your parents there, say something along the lines of, "This can't happen anymore. I deserve personal space, and I want us to resolve this issue right now."
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Section 2 of 4:
Making Your Room Less Appealing
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Avoid keeping things that the whole family uses in your room. For example, if you've got the only game console or tablet in the house, do not keep it in your room. If you do, your family members will come in to retrieve them.
- Keep things that everyone uses in a common room of the house, such as the living room, game room, or basement.
- If an item is highly sought after, come up with an arrangement so everyone has an equal amount of time to use it.
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Do your own chores so family members don’t come in to clean for you. If you take care of all of your own chores, no one has any reason to come into your room without your permission. Make your bed every day, pick up your clothes and launder them yourself, keep your room clean, and return any dirty dishes to the kitchen without being asked.
- Be sure to let your family members know that you've already taken care of the chores in your room. That way, they can't say they came in to check.
- Bring a parent into your room to inspect your handiwork, if necessary.
- If you don’t take care of these things yourself, family members (especially your parents) will be forced to come in and take care of these things themselves.
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Show mutual respect for other people’s privacy. If you want your wishes to be respected, you have to show that same respect toward your family members. Never barge into their rooms unannounced. Always knock on their bedroom doors and wait until they ask you to come in before opening their door.
- Even if your family members haven’t started respecting your privacy yet, start respecting theirs.
- Set an example by treating everyone in the house the same way that you want to be treated.
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Section 3 of 4:
Hanging Out with Them Outside of Your Room
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Work on a project together in a different room. Sometimes, siblings just want a little attention from you. Come up with a project that you can work on together outside of your bedroom. If you're dealing with a very small sibling, come up with a fun art project you can work on together. [7] X Research source
- If it's someone a little older, ask for their help on something, like going shopping with you to get a parent a birthday gift, or even making something creative together as the gift.
- Giving a family member a little attention outside of your bedroom will hopefully make them less inclined to barge into your room constantly for attention.
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Make a "date" to watch a movie together in another room. Show them that you want to hang out with them, just not in your bedroom. Let them pick out the movie, pop some popcorn, and spend a little quality time together. [8] X Research source
- Be sure that you do this outside of your bedroom. You need to get them in the habit of hanging out with you elsewhere.
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Play games or hang out with them in their room. Pull out some board games or just hang out with them in their bedroom to reinforce the idea that hanging out with you does not mean barging into your room.
- Before you go into their bedroom, knock and wait to be let in.
- Hopefully, this will set an example of the kind of behavior you want from them.
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Section 4 of 4:
Preventing Entry Into Your Room
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Get a lock for your bedroom door. Before taking more drastic measures, speaking calmly with your family members about them respecting your privacy first is key. If that doesn’t work, getting a lock for your room might be worth considering as a last resort. There are several ways to approach this. The easiest way is to get a portable door lock that can be easily installed and removed by you (no tools required). You could also get a brand new doorknob that locks with a key at a hardware store and install it yourself (or ask a family member to help).
- Another option is to get a chain lock at a hardware store and install that yourself (or ask for help).
- If your parents are reluctant to allow you to lock your door, explain to them exactly why you feel that your privacy is being violated.
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Barricade your door. If you’re in your room and you want privacy, barricade your door by wedging a chair under the doorknob or pushing a piece of furniture in front of it. This is only helpful if you’re actually in your room when someone tries to barge in, but it will prevent them from being able to do it.
- Make sure that you can quickly and easily remove whatever you’re barricading your door with, if necessary, in the event of an emergency.
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Use a doorstop to hold the door closed. Block family members from opening the door by shoving a doorstop under your door when you're in your bedroom. If you don't have a doorstop, you can easily improvise one. Use anything that will fit tightly in the space between the bottom of your door and the floor. [9] X Research source
- The more things you wedge tightly under the door, the stronger the barricade is, so if you're concerned it won't hold, use multiple items.
- Grab a pair of old sneakers and shove the toe end of both of them under your door. Space them out a little for a stronger hold.
- Shove a big, fluffy towel under your door. Really cram it under there so that it will hold, or use multiple towels.
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Community Q&A
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QuestionHow can you block the door so they can't get in your room while you're in there?Community AnswerIf you’re in your room and you want privacy, barricade your door by wedging a chair under the door knob or pushing a piece of furniture in front of it. Just make sure that you can quickly and easily remove whatever you’re barricading your door with, if necessary, in the event of an emergency.
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QuestionMy niece and nephew hijacked my room and I can't even get in there myself - what do I do?Community AnswerKnock and raise your voice so they can hear you when you tell them to get it out. If they ignore you, threaten to tell one of your parents. If they continue to ignore you, go get a parent - yours or theirs - to help you handle the situation.
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QuestionHow do I keep my cousins out of my room?Community AnswerTell them firmly that you don't want them in your room, especially if you aren't in there. Try to hang out with them a little outside of your room, in case all they want is your attention. When they barge in, march them out immediately and do something with them in another room. If they won't stop, get your parents and/or their parents involved.
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Tips
- Communicate clearly and respectfully to explain your need for privacy. Ask family members to knock before entering your bedroom, just as you would for theirs.Thanks
Tips from our Readers
The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
- Install a lock on your door, with parent permission, to prevent unwanted entry physically. Portable locks require no tools for easy installation and removal.
- Raise your voice assertively when confronted with a violation of your privacy. Enlist parent support if the issue persists despite direct communication.
- Set boundaries by entering others' rooms only after knocking and getting an explicit invitation. Model the considerate behavior you want from them.
- Schedule special one-on-one activities or hang-out time with your siblings elsewhere. Giving positive attention may decrease their barging in.
- Remove shared household items from your bedroom so the family has no reason to come looking for things. Do your own chores as well.
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References
- ↑ Amber Rosenberg, PCC. Founder of Pacific Life Coach. Expert Interview
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
- ↑ Amber Rosenberg, PCC. Founder of Pacific Life Coach. Expert Interview
- ↑ Tami Claytor. Etiquette Coach. Expert Interview
- ↑ Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
- ↑ Amber Rosenberg, PCC. Founder of Pacific Life Coach. Expert Interview
- ↑ https://connectedfamilies.org/family-bonding-activities/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-matters/202203/relationship-and-family-rituals-matter
- ↑ https://household-tips.thefuntimesguide.com/2011/10/door-stops.php
About This Article
Article Summary
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It can be annoying when your family members come in your room without asking, but there are a few ways you can help keep them out. Try calmly explaining to your family that you don’t want them to go in your room. For example, say something like, “I like having my own private space. Can you please not go in my room without my permission?” If your brother or sister comes in, ask your parents to tell them not to, since they’ll probably listen to them more. You can also write a sign saying, “Please don’t come in without my permission.” As a last resort, block your door from the inside with a door stop or chair so they can't just walk in. For more tips, including how to get your family to knock before coming in your room, read on!
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