What Is a Parasitic Relationship? How to Spot and Fix One

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Identify a parasitic partner with these common signs and examples
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In nature, a parasite latches on to a host and exploits it for valuable resources necessary for its survival. Romantic relationships can be parasitic, too, and if you suspect that you're in a parasitic relationship, we’re here to help. We talked to licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC, and love coach Kate Dreyfus to help define a parasitic relationship as well as explore the signs you might be in one and what to do about it .

How to Spot a Parasitic Relationship

  • If you’re in a parasitic relationship, you’ll likely feel exhausted and taken advantage of, like you’re putting in more effort than your partner.
  • You may also feel as though your partner is clingy, needy, or high-maintenance, and they won’t be willing to do things without your help, or without you asking them.
  • Your partner might also dislike it when you draw boundaries or try to be more independent, or may get upset if you bring up your concerns.
Section 1 of 3:

What is a parasitic relationship?

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  1. A parasitic relationship is where one partner is taken advantage of. Parasitic relationships are all about uneven effort and uneven payoff, Vossenkemper explains. [1] One partner provides for the couple physically, emotionally, or financially, while the other partner doesn’t pull their weight. It becomes a serious drain for the one doing all the work, while the other one gets to sit back and reap the rewards. “Parasitic relationships are always considered unhealthy and, in many cases, toxic relationships,” says Dreyfus. [2]
    • In a healthy relationship, both partners play an active role to support each other and the relationship.
    • In nature, a “parasite” is an organism that feeds off of its host without generating its own food supply. The host spends all its energy while the parasite takes it all. That’s why it’s called a parasitic relationship.
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs You’re In a Parasitic Relationship

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  1. Vossenkemper tells us that someone in a parasitic relationship has probably heard something like, “I only want to spend all my time with you. I just love you so much. I just want to be with you all the time.” [3] In a parasitic relationship, one partner might get dependent or overly attached and need to spend every moment with you. It’s one way of controlling you and your time and energy, even if they don’t mean to be controlling.
    • In healthy relationships, partners are able to spend time apart to focus on their own lives. [4]
    • If every single time you step out of the house, even if it's just to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy or to get coffee, you hear your partner say, "I'll come, too!" then they may be a parasite.
    • If your partner also cannot do anything by themselves, whether it's to have a coffee date with a new acquaintance or to get an oil change, and is always asking you to come along, then you may be in a parasitic relationship.
    • Keep in mind that couples should want to spend time together and share hobbies and interests, but needing to spend every moment together is a red flag.
  2. A parasitic partner might lay claim to your friends, too. Have you suddenly noticed that all of your friends have become your partner's friends? It’s normal for your circles to overlap, but not for them to be identical. On the flipside, your partner might isolate you from your friends or insist that you only spend time with theirs. [5]
    • This may be your significant other's way of ensuring you stay together forever. After all, who wants to deal with the awkwardness of breaking up when you have the exact same friends?
    • If your significant other didn’t have many friends to begin with, that may also be a sign that something is amiss, though some people are just less social than others.
  3. Vossenkemper tells us that a parasitic partner “wants control over your finances.” [6] They might do that by insisting you pay for everything, or by demanding that you handle it instead of them. That way, it all comes out of your pocket, but you don’t have a choice in the matter. If you find that you're the one always paying for dinner, movies, trips, gas, and even the big things like your partner’s education, child support, rent and other bills, then it's worth examining if this is an arrangement you're comfortable with, and how your partner would respond if you, for example, lost your income.
    • Everyone gets strapped for cash, and it’s common for couples to support each other financially, but in a parasitic relationship, that support only ever flows one way.
    • Even if you have tons of money to spare, this should still be a warning sign: if the person you're dating is so willing to take advantage of your money, they will be just as willing to take advantage of your emotions.
  4. In a healthy relationship, there’s a give-and-take, and partners do favors for each other whenever one person needs a little help. But in a parasitic relationship, Dreyfus explains, there’s a sense of “over-giving.” [7] In a parasitic relationship, one partner is always doing favors for the other and getting nothing in return, or is even being told they’re still not doing enough. If you find that you're giving your partner rides everywhere, cooking all the meals, picking them up, running errands for them, and taking care of all the little things they won’t, then you may have a parasite on your hands.
    • Though it may hurt, write two lists: one, a list of all the favors you've done for your partner, and two, a list of all the favors they've done for you. They don't match up, do they?
    • When you check the balance of effort, keep in mind what your partner is capable of doing versus what they are doing. A chronic illness might mean they do less, but they still ought to do what they can.
  5. Dreyfus warns us about always taking the “rescue role” in a parasitic relationship. [8] Your partner might require you to talk to others for them or to sort out their problems with others. They might expect you to help them with things they ought to be able to do on their own, such as completing chores or “adult” tasks like making doctor’s appointments or phone calls. They often act helpless, even when they’re perfectly capable of doing these things for themselves.
    • It’s one thing if your partner has a disability or certain needs other people don’t, but it’s another thing when you feel like you’re their parent instead of their equal.
    EXPERT TIP

    Kate Dreyfus

    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
    Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.
    Kate Dreyfus
    Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

    Remember, it is important to pay attention to red flags and not justify them out of fear of dealing with an upset and/or the possibility of having to say goodbye to this person. If you find yourself in that position, then the choice is yours as to whether you want to keep the person in your life as is, to create space with stronger boundaries, or to end the relationship.

  6. Vossenkemper explains that jealousy is another big factor in parasitic relationships. [9] Your partner might become moody, angry, or resentful when you spend time with other people or do your own thing without them. But in a healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable doing their own thing, whether that’s hanging out with their own friends, getting some quality family time, or just reading, running, or pursuing their own hobbies on their own time. If your partner truly loves and cares about you, then they’ll be happy when you pursue your own interests and grow as a person on your own. [10]
    • If your partner is hurt, angry, jealous, or distant whenever you leave the house without them, even if you're just grabbing coffee with your cousin Sally, then they may resent your individuality.
    • If your partner checks in on you and asks when you'll be home every five minutes when you're out, then they may be a parasite.
    • They may also interrogate you about where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing because they don’t trust you.
  7. It’s normal for your friends and family to have mixed opinions about your partner—people are all different! And when people voice concern about your relationship, it's natural to get defensive and to feel even more determined to prove everyone wrong by trying as hard as you can to make things work. But if you find that multiple friends or family members express real worry and concern about the relationship, it may be time to pay attention to what they say. [11]
    • When you tell these people they're wrong, you end up driving them away. Then your partner gets exactly what they want—even more of your time and attention.
  8. Dreyfus says that when you’re in a parasitic relationship, “your life is structured around taking care of their needs and wants” instead of your own. [12] You may feel like your significant other is always the one who is talking, upset, getting comfort, and seeking and getting your love and attention. You may also feel like your own problems are secondary or less important. It's okay if your partner is having a bad month, but if you feel like there is always something in their life that needs your attention, but your own issues aren’t supported, that’s a concerning dynamic.
    • In a healthy relationship , both partners get to talk about their problems and concerns equally, and both work together to solve each other’s problems.
    • If at any time you mention your own struggles, your partner tries to make your problems seem smaller by saying that they have it so much worse, then you have a problem.
  9. Dreyfus also tells us that in a parasitic relationship, you often “find yourself avoiding expressing how you feel,” or what you think or want. [13] You're afraid to share your feelings because you think your partner will get angry and misunderstand you, or because you know your partner won't really listen. You should feel just as comfortable about sharing your thoughts, fears, and hopes as your partner does.
    • Both people should be able to share and communicate in a relationship , and if every time you try to talk about yourself, your partner says they're busy or tired, interrupts you and tries to make it all about themselves, or just gets a glazed look that makes it clear they aren't listening, then you may be getting used.
  10. In a parasitic relationship, you feel like “you are playing the supporting character in your own life,” Dreyfus says. [14] It feels like, no matter what, your partner always ends up getting exactly what they want. You may find yourself giving in just because it's easier than fighting, because your partner will be mad if they don't get what they're after, or simply because you've convinced yourself that they must want it more, or that they deserve it more. In a healthy relationship, partners work together to find a decision that can make them both happy, and understand when and how to compromise .
    • Sure, it's not a big deal to give in on some of the small stuff, like where to have dinner or what to watch on TV. But if it becomes a habit, it can make it easier for you to give in on the big things, like deciding where to move together.
  11. Dreyfus warns that a parasitic partner will “try to convince you that what you are offering is not enough,” even when you’re doing most of the work. [15] When was the last time you heard your partner say how much you mean to them? If you can't even remember, then you may be getting used and taken for granted. Your partner may think your effort is a given, or try to tell you you’re not doing enough in order to make you feel guilty and desperate to please them.
    • They might never thank you for your effort. Or, they might never even compliment you or tell you how much you mean to them.
    • When you express this, they might tell you you’re being too sensitive or immature in order to control your response.
  12. Vossenkemper says that a parasitic partner will never believe you and needs constant convincing of your loyalty. [16] They make you go above and beyond to show it, to prove that you care, but they don’t return the favor. They may accuse you of not loving them enough, or need to be constantly reminded, almost like they’re trying to convince you, not themselves.
    • Saying, “I love you,” shouldn’t feel like some sort of exchange or apology. You should be saying it because you want to, not because you have to.
  13. Guilt-tripping is a common manipulation tactic that keeps you tied down and under their control. [17] When you don’t live up to your partner’s expectations, they might act hurt or disappointed. Even when you do deliver, they make it seem like it’s not enough. Everything is always your fault, or you're not trying enough, but the same is never true of your partner.
    • Guilt should not be the driving force in any healthy relationship. You should want to do things for your partner because you love them, not because you’re afraid of how they’ll react if you don’t.
  14. Dreyfus says that physical exhaustion is another common sign of a parasitic partner. [18] Being around a parasitic person is physically and mentally draining, and afterward, you find that you want to avoid them, if possible. You don’t want to talk or text with them anymore. Being with them feels more like labor than love.
    • In a healthy relationship, partners empower each other and make each other feel like anything is possible. In a parasitic relationship, one partner drains the other partner's energy, making them feel incapable of doing anything.
  15. Dreyfus reminds us that a parasitic partner makes you take a backseat in your own life. [19] They make you feel like you don’t have a life outside of them, or that your purpose is to preserve the relationship rather than to lead a life that’s fulfilling on its own. All your time and energy are poured into the relationship, and you don’t have a life beyond it.
    • In a healthy relationship, two people gain a stronger sense of themselves as they bond together as a couple; in a parasitic relationship, one person tries to take on the qualities of the other person and doesn't give them any time to figure out who they really are.
    • You might look back with nostalgia at your pre-relationship life, or wish you could go back to it, which isn’t how you should feel in a healthy relationship.
  16. You likely get the sense that your significant other is only with you because of your apartment, your car, your money, or your ability to comfort them. It feels like there’s no actual emotional connection, or that you’re more like their parent or guardian than a partner. [20] If you feel like you're giving a ton of support and getting no support at all, even in the most basic things, like getting a "good luck!" note before a big exam, then you may be getting used by your partner
    • Ask yourself, would your partner still be with you if it wasn't for your nice apartment/new car/big bank account/good looks? If you even hesitate a second before answering, then that’s a sign you're getting used .
    • Reader Poll: We asked 1429 wikiHow readers what they would do if they found out a girl was using them, and only 5% of them said ignore it and continue the relationship as is. [Take Poll] So, if you're feeling used and you decide to leave the relationship, you wouldn't be alone.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do About a Parasitic Relationship

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  1. Dreyfus assures us that not every parasitic relationship is doomed. “In some cases,” she says, “there will be a receptive recipient, who will want a chance to grow, adjust, and create more balance in the relationship to support both parties feeling fulfilled.” [21] Ask yourself if your relationship can be salvaged by considering this:
    • Have you brought up your issues before? If your concerns have been ignored in the past, then it might be time to end things. If you haven’t spoken up yet, it’s worth giving it a shot.
    • Is this a pattern that’s gone on for a long time, or is it something new? If this feels like the only way the relationship can exist, that’s a problem. If it’s a new thing, it can probably be changed.
  2. 2
    Bring up your concerns to your partner. Dreyfus encourages us to “create meaningful conversation with the intention of creating positive change.” [22] Find a time when you’re both in a decent mood and in a private space to talk about it in person. Start by saying, “I’ve been having some thoughts about us and I’d like to talk about it.” Stay patient and calm , and use “I” statements to keep the focus on how you feel, rather than assigning blame. Remember, it’s both of you versus the problem, not you versus them.
    • Say, “Lately I’ve felt tired and weary, and I worry that our dynamic is draining me. Can I get more support?”
    • Or, “I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of work for us, and I hope I can get a little more help taking care of us.”
    • If your partner refuses to talk about it, acts hurt or victimized, or makes you feel guilty for bringing it up, it may simply be time to move on from the relationship.
  3. 3
    Give them an opportunity to change and pick up their slack, if you want. Dreyfus reminds us that a parasitic relationship can change if you give your partner the opportunity. [23] Offer them specific, concrete ways that they can support you, and give them time to follow through. If they put in effort and make progress, then it’s worth sticking around. If their effort doesn’t ever come through, then you have your answer.
    • For example, you might say, “I’ve been supporting us financially for a while, and I can’t keep it up. It would be much easier on me if you looked for a job to help us.”
    • Or, “I don’t always feel like I get to have my own life and my own friends. I’d like to start spending a little more time apart so we can be stronger individuals.”
  4. 4
    See a relationship counselor for personalized help. Seeing a relationship therapist or counselor can help you both get on the same page. A counselor will listen to your problems from a neutral standpoint and help you feel heard. They’ll also help you make specific strategies and goals for improving your relationship. [24] You’re not in this alone, and a professional can help.
    • If your partner refuses therapy, then they might know that they’re in the wrong and don’t want things to change. In that case, there’s little you can do and, though it’s hard, it’s time to move on.
  5. 5
    Consider ending the relationship if your partner won’t change. When you’ve tried to mend the relationship but your partner keeps refusing to change, it’s time to break up and move on with your life without them dragging you down. Breaking up isn’t often easy, but it’s the best way to reclaim your life and find the love you deserve. Here’s how to break up with a parasitic partner: [25]
    • Give them a solid date for the end. Setting and sticking to a deadline gives you time to get out without backing down. Give yourself 1-2 weeks to split, and stick to it.
    • Stand firm and follow through. They’ll likely try to convince you not to break up or to guilt-trip you, but now you can recognize this behavior and resist it. If they try to derail the breakup, exit the situation. Say, “This is what I’ve decided, and there’s no room for discussion.”
    • Tell them it’s what’s best for both of you. Even if it’s just what you need to hear, reminding yourself of this helps you walk away without coming back. You need your freedom, and they need to work on doing things for themselves.
    • Find support. Ask your family and friends to help you through this. With a parasitic partner, they rely on isolating you to get what they want, so having a support system prevents that manipulation.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you deal with a clingy partner?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    This is really about reinforcing your boundaries. Before discussing the situation with your partner, you need to establish what your own boundaries are and set the stage to find a kind of happy medium that satisfies you both.
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  • Question
    What makes someone clingy in a relationship?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Clinginess usually has to do with attachment styles. Oftentimes, a clingy partner has an anxious attachment style, which has a lot to do with past experiences from childhood and from dating.
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  • Question
    Is it okay to ask for some space in a relationship?
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.
    Erika Kaplan
    Matchmaker
    Expert Answer
    Yes, it is okay to express that you do need a little bit more space and independence! If you feel like your partner is clinging and parasitic, give them the feedback and reinforcement they need to feel secure in the relationship. Follow through with your promises and make your boundaries pretty clear.
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      References

      1. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/so-happy-together/201702/time-together-and-time-apart
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-controlling-partner-relationship#isolation
      6. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      9. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags
      3. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      6. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC. Licensed Professional Counselor. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://www.ncdv.org.uk/10-signs-of-a-controlling-relationship/
      9. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      10. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships
      12. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      13. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      14. ↑ Kate Dreyfus. Love Coach. Expert Interview
      15. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-controlling-partner-relationship
      16. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/one-sided-relationships

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