How to Appear Straight as a Gay Person (With Expert Insights & Resources)

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What to do when you want to stop being gay for your safety
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In an ideal world, everyone would be free to be themselves at all times. But we know that’s not always the case and that sometimes, for your own safety, you may need to look or “act” straight. We’ll help you understand yourself and your sexuality and appear straight to other people so you can fly under the radar. Then, we talked to LGBTQ+-friendly therapists, psychologists, and experts to help you stay happy and healthy until you can live your life out and proud.

Leading a Heterosexual Lifestyle as a Gay Person

Diversity specialist Inge Hansen, PsyD, says to “Find people in your life who will accept and celebrate you for who you are. If your parents are extremely homophobic, you may need to take precautions to protect your own emotional well-being and ensure you will still have home/financial support despite their beliefs.”

  • Understand that there’s no way to force yourself to be straight, and that you don’t need to change in order to live a happy life.
  • Convince others that you’re straight by making up a celebrity crush of the opposite gender, or by commenting on how attractive someone of the opposite gender is.
  • Imitate the straight people around you. Take cues from their style, what they talk about, and their hobbies to help you blend in.
Section 1 of 3:

Understanding Yourself & Your Sexuality

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  1. There are real and valid reasons to want to hide your sexuality, but it’s important to understand why you’re doing it. If you’re simply unhappy with your identity, concealing it or trying to change it won’t help, and the best thing you can do is try to understand and embrace it while undoing your internalized homophobia —something many gay people experience. [1] That said, some common and workable reasons to want to hide your identity include:
    • Coexisting with a homophobic family
    • Keeping a job or living situation that may be at risk because of your identity
    • Working through your identity before you come out
    • Staying safe in a situation where your identity puts you at risk

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Inge Hansen, PsyD , is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University. Her work centers around social justice and sexual diversity.

    Kateri Berasi, PsyD , is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Founder of The Centered Self. Her practice focuses on mental health and providing support for marginalized people.

    Lauren Urban, LCSW , is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience.

  2. 2
    Understand that you don’t need to change your sexuality to be happy. When you’re struggling with your sexuality, it’s tempting to want to “stop being gay.” But the problem isn’t that you’re gay—the problem is other people’s reaction. They need to change, not you. Many gay people all over the world live happy, healthy, proud lives and are accepted by their community, and you can live a life like that, too. [2]
    • If you’re looking to change your sexuality or “become straight,” understand that this will only make you unhappier. You can’t change your desires or who you love, and trying to do that is dangerous for your mental and physical health—because there’s nothing to fix!
    • In fact, research shows that there’s no way to change your sexual orientation through therapy, hypnosis, training, or any other forced method. [3]
    • That said, there may be times when you feel the need to conceal your sexuality for your own safety or to maintain your relationships. In that case, there are steps you can take.
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Section 2 of 3:

Appearing Heterosexual to Others

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  1. Hiding your sexuality is sometimes necessary, but it can have negative effects on your mental health in the long run. [4] Instead of cramming it down or smothering it, form a healthier relationship with it by simply pretending that you’re undercover for a little while. Your straight identity is only a cover story for you; it's not a better version of you, and it’s not the real you. It’s just a mask you put on for a little while. Your goal is to pass for straight. Your mission will eventually come to an end.
    • That means that the mask comes off, sometimes, too. Don’t try to act straight 24/7. You’ll need to let your guard down sometimes, and we’ll talk about how to do that later.
  2. Direct your fake straight attraction toward a “hot” celebrity that you won’t ever actually have a chance to date. Pretty much everyone has a celebrity crush, and by sharing your fake crush, people will assume that you’re straight. [5] Of course, you’ll never actually have to follow through on it, since they’re a celebrity, and you’ll probably never even meet them.
    • Try not to lean too hard into it, though. If a friend is talking about a celebrity, just say how attractive you find them, or casually add that you have or had a crush on them.
    • Say things like, "His eyes make me swoon," or, "I wish I had a chance with her."
    • You might even hang up a picture or poster of them, or make a photo of them your phone wallpaper.
  3. Adhering to gender roles will help when you're undercover. Now, fashion these days is pretty open and accepting, but there are some ways you can keep it low-key with your wardrobe to fool others into thinking you’re straight. [6] If you're expected to dress in a feminine way , try wearing dresses , shorts , skirts , jewelry, or feminine colors like pastels. If you're expected to dress in a masculine way , wear jeans and t-shirts in masculine colors like black or blue.
    • Usually, the more low-key, the better. Avoid anything that will turn heads. That said, you can still express yourself with accessories, colors, and patterns.
    • Think of it like a costume that adds to your disguise. These clothes aren’t “you,” they’re part of your alter-ego.
    Ash Hardell, Gender Identity Expert

    Accepting yourself in a world of expectations—that's hard for many gay guys. Feeling that pressure to fit the straight mold, it's like wearing a heavy cloak over the real you. But pretending is painful—your identity gets lost. Embracing who you truly are takes courage, but it's a huge step toward inner peace. Fulfillment doesn't come from conforming. It comes from honoring your truth and living it. That's the path to happiness.

  4. 4
    Get into “straight” hobbies or sports. Living a heterosexual lifestyle means getting into heterosexual activities. What’s a heterosexual activity? Whatever the straights are doing, honestly. If you present as a guy, you might get into a sport like soccer, baseball, or football. [7] If you present as a girl, you might get into fashion, gardening, crafting, or meditation.
    • These things can all be rewarding and worthwhile even when you’re gay. Don’t force yourself to do something you hate.
    • Of course, there’s no such thing as a “straight” or “gay” hobby. It’s all made up, but when you’re trying to blend in, you sometimes have to play by society’s rules.
  5. 5
    Tell people you’re in no rush to date. One big, annoying thing gay people face is family and friends asking about their dating life. The solution isn’t to fall into a relationship that isn’t real—that’s not fair to you or your partner. [8] Instead, brush off their comments by deflecting. Tell them you’re taking your time and that you don’t want to rush things to trick them into thinking you're straight . Or, say that you have other interests, and that romance is taking a back seat in your life.
    • If you have someone of the opposite gender whom you trust, you might ask them to be your “beard”—someone who acts like your straight partner to get people off your case.
  6. 6
    Avoid trying too hard. People get suspicious easily, and if you’re constantly trying to “act straight,” they’ll start to think something is up, and might realize that you’re putting on a show. That doesn’t mean be paranoid, just don’t sweat it. We know, easier said than done—you don’t want to be discovered, after all. [9] But the trick is being passive, not active. Don’t talk up that fake celebrity crush too much, don’t try too hard to “be one of the boys,” and avoid things like being homophobic to make it seem like you’re not gay.
    • The truth is, people come in all shapes, sizes, and varieties, and most other people understand that. Even if you seem a little gay, most people will chalk it up to your personality if they don’t have “proof.”
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Section 3 of 3:

Staying Happy and Healthy

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  1. 1
    Find a faith community that accepts you, if you’re religious. “There are churches that are welcoming to gay parishioners and even some churches with openly gay pastors,” licensed clinical psychologist Kateri Berasi, PsyD, informs us. [10] While many churches may be homophobic, many others are accepting. If you’re a person of faith, finding a faith community that supports you can go a long way to feeling accepted and fulfilled.
    • You don’t even have to come out to the church if you don’t want to. Just being among open-minded people can be healing, even if they don’t fully grasp your situation.
    • Call your local churches and ask about their views on homosexuality. Make it clear that you’re looking for a church that accepts all lifestyles.
  2. Again, research shows that forcing yourself into a new sexuality doesn’t work, but that doesn’t stop many groups from trying. [11] Be wary of lifestyle and faith groups who promise to “fix” you or change you. Instead, find friends and people you can truly trust with your identity. A truly supportive friend group offers unconditional support and love. If they're "supporting" you but only if you pretend you're straight, that's not true support and may be toxic.
    • A truly supportive community doesn't offer conditional support. If they're "supporting" you but only if you choose to act like you aren't gay, that isn't true support, and it may be toxic.
  3. Research shows that staying closeted involves increased mental health risks, which in turn can affect your body, so you need to take extra good care of yourself . [12] Exercise daily, eat healthy foods, and get plenty of sleep at night.
    • Also, try meditation or mindfulness, which are great ways to nourish your mind and keep in touch with yourself, even when you’re trying to hide.
  4. Again, being constantly closeted can affect your health. [13] It’s like holding your breath indefinitely. Sometimes, you need to exhale. Find a place where you can simply be yourself without fear of being discovered or mistreated. Search the internet for local queer groups, queer faith groups, or gay and straight alliances. Visit a gay bar or a queer cafe, if you don’t mind being seen at those places in public. This helps you stay in touch with your community.
    • If you live in a small town, that special place may be your bedroom, out in nature, or even online. Whatever helps you connect to other queer people.
  5. You don’t have to hide forever, and in fact, you shouldn’t. Somewhere out there is a life where you can be totally free to be yourself. You might be waiting until you’re old enough to move out, or until something in your personal life changes. [14] Whatever the case, start thinking about when and where you can go to be yourself freely somewhere down the line.
  6. Chances are, there’s someone in your life who’s accepting, open, and can keep your secret. They’ll make a valuable ally who can help you feel seen. If you don’t have someone like that, consider seeing a therapist. Dr. Hansen tells us that having an LGBTQ+ affirming therapist is a huge asset, and someone like this can talk you through your experiences and struggles in a confidential, understanding environment.
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Community Q&A

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  • Question
    I don't want to be lesbian and non-binary anymore, I get bullied because of my identity. Any tips on how to become straight and heterosexual?
    Community Answer
    If being bullied is the only reason you want to change, it may not work. You can't force yourself to be what you're not, especially if your identity is already well known. Communicate with someone you trust and who supports you.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/
      2. ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy
      3. ↑ https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-whether-conversion-therapy-can-alter-sexual-orientation-without-causing-harm/
      4. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8011357/
      5. ↑ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/parasocial-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.voxmagazine.com/features/fashion-identity-expression-lgbtq-gender-outfits/article_19464a90-b410-11eb-ac21-b71e3a6aba42.html
      7. ↑ https://www.themodestman.com/worthwhile-hobbies-for-guys/
      8. ↑ https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/
      9. ↑ https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/
      1. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      2. ↑ https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-whether-conversion-therapy-can-alter-sexual-orientation-without-causing-harm/
      3. ↑ https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/closet-psychological-issues-being-and-coming-out
      4. ↑ https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8011357/
      5. ↑ https://news.ucr.edu/articles/2022/04/01/gay-migration-happens-not-always-gay-friendly-places-reports-new-study
      6. ↑ Inge Hansen, PsyD. Transgender & Diversity Specialist. Expert Interview
      7. ↑ Lauren Urban, LCSW. LGBTQ+ Therapist. Expert Interview

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