How to Be Happy When You Can’t (or Won’t) Have Children

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Learn to cope with the regret or grief of not having kids
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There are many reasons why a person may not have children. It may be due to a lack of desire, an unwilling partner, the biological inability to reproduce, or something else. No matter the reason, it is not uncommon to experience grief and a certain apprehension about not having children. But healing is possible, and you can still have a rich and fulfilling life even without children. Keep reading for advice on coping with childlessness and how to move on.

Finding Child-free Happiness

Focus on your own long-term goals and dreams, like traveling or getting an education. Find ways to spend time with your friend’s kids or work with children to feel fulfilled. Create art or participate in charity and your local community to establish your legacy even without children.

Section 1 of 4:

Accepting Your Situation

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  1. Your feelings are real and valid, and brushing them aside only lets them grow like weeds. Write out your thoughts in a diary, or find a friend to vent to. Being honest with yourself and getting it all off your chest is the first step to feeling better about your situation.
    • You might feel grief or loss for a life you never had. Or, you might feel like you’ve failed or disappointed someone somehow, or that you’re isolated from people who do have children.
    • These are all perfectly understandable emotions, but that doesn’t mean they should have power over you. First, admit to them, then you can start untangling them.
    • Remember that nobody is to blame for the inability or lack of desire to have children, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grieve what might have been.
    • Remove painful reminders from sight. If you have baby items that you acquired in the hopes of having a baby, pack them away or give them to someone who will use them.
  2. If having a child is something you deeply want, there may be options for you, like adoption , IVF, or surrogacy. While it can be hard to keep trying, there may be a path forward, and making sure you’ve tried everything can help you find closure and eliminate lingering questions. Talk to your doctor about possibilities. [1]
    • That said, don’t press the issue if it’s truly out of reach, like if you have overwhelming financial hardship or your spouse has a hard line on not wanting kids, and you’re unwilling to part from them.
    • If your spouse is the hurdle, have an honest conversation with them , or consider seeing a counselor together. Many couples who are split on children find compromises.
    • Pressing the issue when you know it’s not possible might only open your wounds, so don’t linger too long on this step. It’s okay not to have kids!
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  3. 3
    Remember, you’re not alone in being child-free. More and more people are child-free these days for a variety of reasons. Whether you can’t have kids or are choosing not to, you’re part of a rapidly growing community, and you can still find happiness . It might feel isolating, but you’re far from alone. Recent studies show that a whopping 44% of couples who are aged 18-49 don’t plan to have children. [2]
    • It might not ease your personal pain, but it may help to know that other people are in your situation, or similar situations.
    • While you might feel pressured to have kids, people around the world are shaking off societal pressure and turning public opinion on the “obligation” to be a parent.
  4. It may feel like you’re missing out, but instead try to think of it as having gained something in your life. That might be freedom, new opportunities, a stress-free lifestyle, or more money. When you think about all the ways you’re benefitting from not having kids, it’s easier to stop feeling like it’s a burden and start feeling like it’s a ticket to your future. [3]
    • Write down these perks and put them somewhere you can see them when you’re feeling down, like on your computer monitor or taped to the mirror.
    • Instead of thinking of what should have or could have been, focus on what is and what can be.
  5. Accepting not having children is similar to any type of serious loss in that you will experience grief in its many forms. Understanding how grief manifests will prepare you to be able to manage it. Remember that these stages come and go, and you may not experience them all in order, but things will get better. [4]
    • Denial. You may be in disbelief, and mentally unwilling to accept the reality of not having kids.
    • Despair. This is perhaps the most easily identifiable stage of grief, and is characterized by general symptoms of depression.
    • Remorse. You may begin to question or blame yourself for not having children, and this can lead to unnecessary guilt.
    • Anger. The anger associated with grief is not necessarily aimed at a person or a thing, but rather at the circumstance itself.
    • Fear. When the reality of involuntary childlessness sets in, it may cause a sense of panic or anxiety.
    • Physical grief. The physical symptoms of grief include insomnia, irregular appetite changes, headaches, unexplained body aches, nausea, and fatigue.
  6. It’s easier to see that you’re not alone when you’re talking with people just like you. Child-free support groups exist almost everywhere, and there are even virtual online groups for those who can’t commute. Talking with others and sharing your experience can lighten the emotional burden and help you find comfort and compassion. [5]
    • If you belong to a church or other religious institution, then you may be able to receive free counseling from someone you already know and trust.
  7. Many of us need someone qualified to talk to at one point or another. If your feelings about not having children are overwhelming or are getting in the way of living your best life, talk to a therapist. A mental health professional can help you sort out your feelings, better understand them, and make strategies for handling and overcoming them. There’s no shame in seeking help. [6]
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Section 2 of 4:

Finding Happiness in a Child-free Life

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  1. If you love children, not being able to have one doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them and interact with them! You don't need to be a parent in order to help them and watch them grow. Working with children can provide much of the satisfaction and fulfillment as being a parent, with a fraction of the stress. [7] For example:
    • Help friends and family members with their children. Babysit for your best friend, or spend time at your brother's house playing with and caring for his children. The children will enjoy playing with you, and the adults will be thankful for the extra help.
    • Consider volunteering at a place where you can work with children. Try becoming an aide, teaching underprivileged children, volunteering for church programs, coming as a guest to schools (e.g., to talk about your job), or working with disabled children.
    • Take a job in which you will be expected to work with children. Consider becoming a teacher, children’s entertainer, or pediatrician, for instance.
  2. Certified life coach and motivational speaker Nora Oliver says that deciding how you want to live your life and finding clarity in your plans and purpose makes things much smoother. Maybe you want to go to college, or travel the world, or start your own business—all things that can be impossible with children in the picture. [8] For better or worse, this is your life, and now you can do what you like with it without having to factor in added expenses or time spent parenting. Dream big and chase those dreams !
  3. 3
    Adopt an animal to get your caregiving fix. It might sound flip or trivial, but it does help. Adopting a dog, cat, or another pet can help you fulfill that parenting urge when you can’t have or don’t want a child. It adds company and companionship to your life, and it’s definitely not as difficult (or as expensive) as having a child. [9]
  4. 4
    Establish your legacy with art or charity. For many people, part of the appeal of having kids is having something that survives after them and to feel like they’ve made a mark on the world. [10] But kids are far from the only way to do this. You can make physical art that sticks around long after you’re gone, like paintings or by writing a book. Or, you can be active in your local charities to make a community impact that many will remember you for.
    • And remember: Just being a good person who’s kind to others guarantees your legacy. People will remember you for being a good person!
  5. Research shows that regular, daily exercise is one of the best things you can do for your body and your happiness, even when you’re going through hardship. [11] Neglecting your health can only make your situation and your outlook worse, so be sure to:
    • Get at least 30 minutes of light exercise each day. Get outside, go for a walk, hit the gym, or get involved in club sports.
    • Get at least 7 hours of sleep each night to help yourself stay energized and to regulate your emotions. [12]
    • Eat a healthy, balanced diet with protein, vitamins, carbs, and fats to nourish your body and mind.
  6. 6
    Hang out with other child-free people to find community. When you’re child-free, one of the biggest struggles is connecting with parents who lead a different lifestyle. [13] You might feel left out or misunderstood, or they might not have time for you. It’s important to meet and befriend people whose lifestyles are a closer fit to yours so you can enjoy regular friendships without having to navigate other people’s kids.
    • Look up Facebook groups or other local child-free clubs to link up with people in your area in similar situations.
  7. 7
    Treat yourself to days off and special gifts for self-care. When you don’t have kids, you have more time, money, and resources to treat yourself. Self-care is important! [14] Take a spa day, watch movies and TV you love without worrying about censoring them for kids, play some music without worrying about having to listen for plates crashing or messes made. Take advantage of your situation to give yourself some peace and happiness.
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Section 3 of 4:

Responding to Societal Expectations

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  1. 1
    Prepare for annoying or judgmental comments. When you don’t have kids, other people may not understand, and they may feel entitled to say something about it, especially if you’re a woman. You may hear unwanted comments from family members, friends, or even people you don't know well at all. When you get a comment, smile, take a deep breath, and try not to lose your cool . Here’s what you may expect: [15]
    • “I’m sure it will happen soon!”
    • “Does your spouse want children?”
    • “Don’t you want to pass on your genes?” or, “But what about your legacy?”
    • “Time is running out!”
    • “Must be nice.”
  2. 2
    Justify yourself, but only if you want to. Don’t feel pressured to explain your situation or your reasons if you don’t feel comfortable. [16] But if you are comfortable, calmly tell the person why kids aren’t in the cards. If it’s something that’s out of your control, it’ll probably shut them right up, which is satisfying in its own way.
    • For example, say, “Well, unfortunately I’m not physically able to have children. Does that answer your question?”
    • Or, “I’ve decided I’m not cut out to be a parent. I don’t want to hurt a child the way my parents hurt me. Would you?”
  3. 3
    Remind others that your life is none of their concern. If you’d rather not explain your private life to someone who’s overstepping their boundaries, then remind them of those boundaries . Your life is your life, not theirs, and you have a right to say so. [17] Keep it polite, but if they’re pressing the issue, feel free to be more forceful and direct.
    • For example, say, “My body and my choices are personal and private, and I’d appreciate it if you respected that.”
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Section 4 of 4:

Why do some people not have kids?

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  1. Research shows more and more reasons why people are child-free. Having children used to be seen as an obligation, something you were supposed to do, and women in particular were (and often still are) viewed as natural caretakers. People acted like it was a moral duty to have children, and could be awfully judgmental if you didn’t (even if you were unable to). The good news is that larger numbers of people are refusing that narrative these days. Here are the numbers, based on childless women who say they won’t have kids: [18]
    • 49% say it’s to remain stress-free.
    • 42% say it’s not feasible to have kids with the lack of social support (schooling, childcare, healthcare, etc.).
    • 41% assert that the current state of the world isn’t ideal for raising children.
    • 38% say that it takes too much time and energy for their lifestyles.
    • 33% say that it’d inhibit their personal freedom.
    • 32% say that they’d rather prioritize their own careers and education.
    • 11% of women experience fertility barriers. [19]

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      Thanks for reading our article! If you’d like to learn more about marriage communication skills, check out our in-depth interview with Nora Oliver .

      References

      1. ↑ https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/infertility/
      2. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230208-the-adults-celebrating-child-free-lives
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/make-your-life-blessing/201402/child-free-marriages
      4. ↑ https://www.washington.edu/counseling/2020/06/08/the-stages-of-grief-accepting-the-unacceptable/
      5. ↑ https://resolve.org/get-help/support-groups/
      6. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/infertility/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20354322
      7. ↑ https://www.youth.ie/articles/why-do-i-work-with-children-and-young-people/
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202206/10-aggravating-things-childfree-adults-hear-all-the-time
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/canine-corner/202108/millennial-women-are-dogs-and-cats-stand-in-kids
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creating-2-pink-lines/202411/invisible-among-parents
      2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/fitness/in-depth/exercise/art-20048389
      3. ↑ https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creating-2-pink-lines/202411/invisible-among-parents
      5. ↑ https://www.everydayhealth.com/self-care/
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202206/10-aggravating-things-childfree-adults-hear-all-the-time
      7. ↑ https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230208-the-adults-celebrating-child-free-lives
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/creating-2-pink-lines/202411/invisible-among-parents
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/canine-corner/202108/millennial-women-are-dogs-and-cats-stand-in-kids
      10. ↑ https://www.nichd.nih.gov/health/topics/infertility/conditioninfo/common

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