How to Act Like a Girlfriend and Not a Wife (and Why It Matters)

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What to do and say if you want to stay in the girlfriend category
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When you’re in a relationship with someone amazing, you’re probably striving to be the best partner you can be. However, being too involved in your partner’s life before you’re married can actually backfire, especially if it’s a relatively new relationship. Keep reading to learn how you can act more like a girlfriend and less like a wife, with helpful advice from dating coaches and psychologists.

How to Act Like a Girlfriend (Not a Wife)

Love yourself first and keep some personal details to yourself. Let your partner cook and clean on their own and remember to treat your needs equally. Keep your finances separate and try to focus on the present, not the future. Keep up with your friends and your hobbies.

Section 1 of 4:

How to Act Like a Girlfriend and Not a Wife

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  1. When you love yourself, you’re more likely to put yourself first. Build your self-esteem by doing things that make you feel good, and remember how much you are worth. Come into the relationship knowing how awesome you are to avoid giving yourself away to your partner. [1]
    • To build your self-esteem , try keeping a journal of your thoughts or repeating a mantra to yourself daily, like, “I am worthy, I am lovable, I am strong.”
  2. Part of the fun of staying in the girlfriend category is continuing to on on fun dates with your partner! Keep your relationship exciting by planning a variety of different dates. You can sign up for a cooking class, try out an escape room, or attend a local concert. You can even jot down date ideas, add them to a designated date night jar, and randomly select one to create your own adventure! [2]
    • Another good way to spice things up is to add a little flair to your fashion for date night to impress your significant other! A little black dress and high heels can go a long way for romance.
      • An excellent fashion-forward date night idea to keep the romance alive is selecting outfits for one another and then heading out for a night on the town.
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  3. Embodying the excitement of dating before marriage involves a little spontaneity, so don’t be afraid to surprise your partner with a last minute weekend getaway or hard-to-snag reservation at the hottest new downtown restaurant. Learn to celebrate this stage of your lives together, before the routine associated with being a wife or mother. Setting up a monthly spontaneity budget is a great way to keep your relationship light— but not your bank account! [3]
  4. Being playful with one another is sure to keep the spark alive in your relationship and this can come in many forms. Try participating in hobbies that bring you both joy, sharing inside jokes, and sending each other flirtatious text messages even if you’re just in separate rooms. Allow your inner child to poke fun and play with your partner, as this will strengthen your bond and build even more intimacy. [4]
  5. Although it’s never a good thing to overstep your partner’s boundaries, offering an abundance of support is mostly reserved for wives. As a girlfriend, you can reassure your partner that you’re there for them without assuming a caretaker, secretary, or motherly role. Trust in your S.O.’s ability to handle his own challenges with grace and know that he’ll reach out to you if he needs the extra TLC. [5]
  6. Don’t feel obligated to have sex if you aren't ready for it. Some people find that saving sex for marriage is a good way to mark the change in their relationship. For other people, having sex before marriage is a way to test compatibility. [6] Decide whether or not you’d like to have sex with your partner, then sit them down and talk about how far you’re willing to go. [7]
    • If you’d like to save sex until marriage, say something like, “Sex is a really important part of any relationship, and it’s a big commitment. I’d like to wait until we’re married to cross that threshold.”
    • Or, you might decide to wait until you’re in a serious, committed relationship before having sex. If that’s the case, and you haven’t established that you’re in this kind of relationship, address that first. Try saying something like, “I really like you, and I’d like to see where this goes. I’d also like to wait until we’re more serious about sex, because that would make me feel more comfortable.”
    • Psychotherapist Kelli Miller encourages you to consider the situation completely before making a decision, including your motives and how it could affect the relationship. She says, “You really want to make this decision without feeling any type of pressure, either societal or from your partner. Then, you want to play it out: how would you feel if you did do this? Would you feel okay the next day? Would you feel scared? That's very telling.” [8]
      • No matter what, it presents a good opportunity to evaluate your relationship with this person and whether they are somebody that you want to share this special act with for the first time or again. [9]
  7. If you do decide to engage in a physical relationship with your partner before marriage, try not to fall into a routine as routine is more closely associated with marriage. Instead, keep things adventurous and dynamic by experimenting with new ideas, keeping an open line of communication about the things you like, and continuing to build trust with your better half.
    • Remember that intimacy isn’t limited to the bedroom. You can enhance intimacy and grow your bond by doing relatively wholesome things like cuddling, holding hands, slow dancing when a favorite song comes on, and asking your partner deep questions about themselves.
  8. A little mystery can keep the spark alive in a relationship. Although it can feel natural to open yourself up 100% to your partner, you might actually be giving too much of yourself away too fast. Try to take things slow emotionally so you both have time to work up to a loving, powerful relationship. [10]
    • For instance, instead of giving a detailed history of your past, you might say, “I’ve worked on myself a lot, and I really like who I am today.”
    • Dating coach Julianne Cantarella suggests keeping conversations light and simple, doing a lot of listening, which helps keep the mystique alive. [11]
  9. You can help out sometimes, but don’t do everything for them. Many women fall into the trap of taking care of their partners too much—cooking, cleaning, and helping out are fine sometimes, but if you do them all the time, your partner might come to expect them. [12] When you’re just dating someone, don’t act like their caretaker. Remember that they were able to function without you before you came along, and they’ll be able to take care of themselves now, too. [13]
    • If you and your partner live together, be sure to talk about how you’re going to split the chores and household responsibilities. Otherwise, you might end up taking on more than your fair share.
  10. Try not to put your partner’s needs above your own. You’re both equal in this relationship, and you should both be priorities to each other. When you make decisions, no matter how small they are, be sure to keep yourself in mind, too. [14]
    • For instance, if you’re a vegetarian and your partner isn’t, skip the steakhouse and go somewhere that has food options for the both of you.
    • If you want to live in the city but your partner loves the country, try splitting the difference and getting a place in the suburbs.
    • It’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes, too. You can try to compromise most of the time, but don’t be afraid to prioritize yourself every now and then.
    • Sex and relationship psychologist, Dr. Sarah Schewitz, warns against prioritizing your partner’s needs above your own. She says, “If you’re building up resentment over time, you might be making too many sacrifices.” [15]
      • Alternatively, you might just need to express your feelings more.
  11. Give yourself the freedom to buy anything you want. Creating a joint bank account or opening a joint credit card is a big decision, and it’s one that most people save for marriage. If you want to act like a wife and not a girlfriend, save this milestone for when you two actually get married. [16]
    • When you combine finances, your partner’s money decisions become your own. If you aren’t married by law yet, you could lose a lot of money if your partner decides to make a big purchase or investment.
  12. Take your relationship one day at a time to enjoy it for what it is. It’s easy to get distracted with thoughts of marriage or kids down the line. However, if that’s still a ways away for you, try to put it out of your mind for now. The more you can focus on progressing your relationship slowly, the better. [17]
    • Even if you’ve promised each other that you’ll get married, it’s not the same as actually being married.
  13. It’s not realistic to hold out hope that someone might change in the future. It’s natural to hold out assume that your partner might change their ways or come around to your point of view eventually, but that’s rarely ever the case. When someone shows you who they are, believe them—they probably aren’t going to change significantly. [18]
    • People can usually change in small ways, like how often they exercise or how much TV they watch. But your partner’s morals and values are most likely there to stay.
  14. Address these things early so they don’t fester later on. Making an excuse for them will only make you feel worse in the long-run, because it lets them sweep their bad behavior under the rug. [19] We all make mistakes, but we can all apologize for them, too. [20]
    • Maybe your partner snapped at you when they got home from work. You might think, “Well, they had a long day today.” That might be true, but you can also say, “I don’t appreciate it when you take that tone with me. I know you had a tough day, but you don’t need to take it out on me.”
    Expert Answer
    Q

    How can you communicate effectively with your partner?

    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

    Relationship Coach
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    EXPERT ADVICE
    Answer from Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW :

    Often, people do not say anything when they do not like something to avoid conflict. But this can cause problems later. It is better to say how you feel in a very calm and neutral tone. Make sure the timing is correct. Both of you should be calm when you have this type of conversation.

  15. Maintain your independence to keep your sense of self. It’s totally fine to hang out with your partner often, but make sure you’re doing your own thing, too! The more you can maintain your independence, the better you’ll feel. [21]
    • Try joining a local hobby group or club to meet new people who have your same interests.
  16. They can give you a point of view that you might not be able to see. Ask your friends to tell you if you’re acting like a wife. It can be tough to see our relationship for what it is sometimes. If you have close friends that you trust, check in with them every now and then to get their opinions on your relationship. If they tell you that you’re diving in too deep, you can heed their advice and back off a little. [22]
    • Make sure you’re talking to people that you trust will give you the honest truth. Asking someone who doesn’t have your best interest in mind might just steer you down the wrong path.
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Section 2 of 4:

Why is it better to act like a girlfriend than a wife?

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  1. If you’re a naturally nurturing person, it may be difficult to pump the brakes on taking your girlfriend duties more seriously. However, one idea that discourages this is the fact that it may give your partner the idea that he can receive all sorts of special treatment without taking the next step in your relationship, i.e. asking you to marry him. It touches on the same notion behind the popular idiom, “Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?” [23]
    • This expression has a few uses, but originally referred to men who didn’t want to get married because they were already receiving all the benefits of marriage without having to commit.
  2. If you decide to start taking care of more things for your partner— doing more chores around the house, scheduling his dentist appointments, folding and ironing his laundry— they might seriously appreciate it, or, they might not. It’s possible that they could consider this behavior to be too motherly and potentially suffocating, casting a dark shadow on your once fun and lighthearted romantic relationship. [24]
    • If you find yourself accidentally falling into the role of their mother, stop and reconsider.
    • Treating them with respect, creating an image that they can truly live up to, looking for their strengths, and talking to them, instead of at them, should help restore the balance in your relationship.
    • Dating coach, Connell Barrett, offers advice on reigniting the relationship spark.
      • “Send them a flirty text message, or send them a message saying, ‘Just letting you know, I'm thinking about you today, you're very distracting, winky face smile.’” [25]
      • He goes on to say, “We all have a deep psychological need to feel special, significant, appreciated, and a lot of relationships start to sputter when one or both of those people stop making the other person feel like that.”
  3. If your love language is acts of service, biting off more than you can chew in an effort to show how much you care is a definite possibility. Your own life is likely full of its own challenges and taking on another person’s baggage will only amp up the difficulty, no matter how much you love them. Plus, the truth is you’re not at the stage of your relationship where that becomes more of an expectation. So, try to have fun and be in love for as long as you can! Lifelong responsibilities aren’t going anywhere. Unfortunately. [26]
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Section 3 of 4:

Differences Between a Girlfriend & Wife

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  1. Dating is all about exploring the potential in the relationship. Whether it lasts 6 months, 3 years, or forever is to be determined during the boyfriend-girlfriend stage, so enjoy it! Marriage requires a deeper, lifelong commitment that one should not take lightly.
  2. There’s less pressure on girlfriends and more opportunities for independence and flexibility. Wives, on the other hand, are always expected to consider their husbands, and by extension, the entire family unit. [27]
    • As a girlfriend, the expectation is that you’ll have tons of personal space and independence, especially if you’re not living with your partner.
      • As a wife who lives with her husband, you’ll likely have significantly less personal space and independence.
  3. Shared duties is one of the hallmarks of a good marriage, often including joint finances and making decisions as a couple. While you’re still in girlfriend mode, you’re allowed the freedom to worry about your your own needs and yours alone… for the time being. [28]
  4. As a girlfriend, you’re likely to enjoy hobbies, nights out with friends, and even trips without your partner. As a wife, social integration is encouraged and expected, as your hubby will play an integral role in your new life. [29]
  5. While you’re dating, nothing is permanent— no matter how intense and eternal your declarations of love may sound. However, having a wedding ring on your finger typically denotes a more enduring ideal for your relationship, which should provide you with security.
  6. Although a profound emotional connection is possible while dating, marriage typically deepens your emotional intimacy with your partner. Forging a secure emotional bond should help you both to express yourselves openly and honestly with little to no fear of judgement. [30]
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Section 4 of 4:

Final Thoughts

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  1. There are lots of benefits to acting like a girlfriend and not a wife. While you’re still dating, being a girlfriend essentially entails being your boyfriend’s best friend… with a few added benefits! Laughing together, flirting, going on spontaneous date nights, and staying adventurous in the bedroom all wonderfully encapsulate the girlfriend experience. While it’s totally up to you to decide the level of commitment, effort, and codependence you’d like to achieve as a girlfriend, a few reasons to refrain from acting like a wife include:
    • Giving your partner an incentive to take the next step toward a more serious relationship or engagement.
    • Increased levels of emotional and physical responsibilities that you may not be ready for.
    • A change in social dynamics resulting in a loss of independence.

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What is a common mistake people make in a relationship?
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. She is the author of “Love Hacks: Simple Solutions to Your Most Common Relationship Issues” which details the top 15 relationship issues and 3 quick solutions to each. She is also the award-winning and best-selling author of “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and was a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.
    Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
    Relationship Coach
    Expert Answer
    A common mistake people make in a relationship is to take the other person for granted. They forget to tell the person that they appreciate them and say thank you for things they do.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201802/you-have-love-yourself-you-can-love-someone-else
      2. ↑ https://theeverygirl.com/date-night-jar/
      3. ↑ https://aprioritizedmarriage.com/blog/spontaneous-dates-10-spontaneous-date-ideas/
      4. ↑ https://time.com/4010484/couple-laughing-study-2/
      5. ↑ https://www.vaildaily.com/news/relationship-column-resist-the-urge-to-mother-your-boyfriend/
      6. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-are-my-boundaries/
      7. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      8. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      9. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 21 July 2020.
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beautiful-minds/201101/the-most-powerful-law-attraction
      2. ↑ Julianne Cantarella. Dating & Relationship Coach. Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
      3. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      4. ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/how-to-split-the-chores-with-your-partner-minus-the-drama-and-fighting/
      5. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/4-signs-your-relationship-is-based-on-inequality/
      6. ↑ Sarah Schewitz, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.
      7. ↑ https://www.cnbc.com/select/how-to-keep-finances-separate-as-a-couple/
      8. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/18-ways-to-lovebetter-in-your-relationship-right-now/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lessons-loving/201412/what-can-you-change-about-your-partner
      10. ↑ Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Psychotherapist. Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
      11. ↑ https://www.kent.edu/yourtrainingpartner/5-guidelines-dealing-difficult-behaviors
      12. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/ways-to-become-more-independent-less-codependent
      13. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/managing-the-pressures-of-a-relationship
      14. ↑ https://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/why+buy+the+cow+when+you+can+get+the+milk+for+free.html
      15. ↑ https://yourmomhasablog.com/2016/06/21/practical-tips-learning-how-to-be-his-wife-not-his-mother/
      16. ↑ Connell Barrett. Dating Coach. Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.
      17. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-act-like-a-girlfriend-and-not-a-wifex/
      18. ↑ https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/
      19. ↑ https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-wife-and-girlfriend/
      20. ↑ https://www.drpsychmom.com/differences-between-girlfriends-and-wives/
      21. ↑ https://blog.findoctave.com/blog/6-strategies-to-deepen-your-connection-with-your-partner

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