Amanda Diekman
Parenting Expert
Amanda Diekman a parenting coach, author and the founder of The Low Demand Method. Amanda specializes in low-demand parenting practices for kids who have nervous system disabilities, neurodivergences, trauma histories, and who otherwise may not fit the standard model of parenting, really focusing on innovative and responsive style parenting. Through The Low Demand Method, she offers on-demand courses, coaching, and a masterclass 8-week intensive course. Her book, Low Demand Parenting, was a #1 New Release and instant Best Seller. She is also the host of The Low Demand Parenting podcast, offering honest conversations, practical insights, and a joyful, authentic approach to parenting. Amanda has been featured in Additide, Motherly, romper, and has been a guest of the Tilt Parenting and Uniquely Human podcasts.
Education
- Holds two degrees from Duke University, including a Master's in Theology
Professional Achievements
- Is a late diagnosed autistic adult, parent coach, and author in the neurodiversity space
- Leading voice in the movement for low demand parenting practices, with her book Low Demand Parenting, published July 2023
- Runs a successful coaching practice for parents of neurodivergent children, offering a variety of online courses
- Hosts the Low Demand Parenting podcast
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Forum Comments (6)
School stresses me out SO much! Why??
School has a lot of expectations built in. You're supposed to sit quietly, learn quickly, pivot from one idea to another. You have to be able to block out the sound of other people talking and learn the first time around, and apply that information really quickly. If you need to move in order to learn, or practice things in order to learn, or talk in order to learn, if you just don't like the feeling of other people telling you what to do, you may feel angry and frustrated and claustrophobic. The world is built on a very specific kind of learner. And not very many people match that. In fact, the majority of kids diverge from that ideal learner. And so when you look at it from that perspective, schools are not meeting the needs of most of the kids in the classroom.
One of the reasons that school is really hard for kids is because of ableism. Because there's not a built-in understanding that all brains are different, and all brains are good. And that all those different learning styles matter . We are all born inherently curious, and we learn best when we're interested in the subject matter, but the classroom typically doesn’t have the flexibility to allow kids to learn as they’re interested. The problem is, when we're force-fed education, it depletes our natural curiosity until we forget what it feels like to learn that way anymore. And many of us have to relearn somewhere along the way, whether it's college or maybe we have a great teacher in high school, who's really trying to encourage curiosity, we have to relearn all over again, how to be curious. For example, lots of people stop reading for pleasure because they've been force-fed reading.
The first piece is to know that you're not making it up. If you feel like “School's killing me and I hate it here,” I think it's okay to say, “What if that's true? What if I'm not just being an annoying obstinate teenager? What if I'm actually seeing something that's right and true about this system,” but then also, you don't have a ton of control, you have to be there. The other thing is to know that your curiosity is the most powerful tool that you have . If there is a way that you can get curious, you can hack the system that you're handed with your own curiosity.
For me, when I was trying to learn in school, I had a lot of working memory issues, but I loved to sing. And so, I would sing my note cards, every word I had to memorize, and I would pair with another word that I liked to say inside of my head, something that I loved. That helped me to learn in the way that I was being told to learn. Maybe for you, that’s walking. By walking at the same time as you read, you feel happier, or maybe for you, that's tying everything to your special interest in anime or whatever it is. But remember that there's nothing wrong with using the way that you were built to learn . And no other way of learning is going to be as good as the way that you learn.
If there's one thing you could get curious about right now, even in school, when it feels like it's killing you, it's like who are you as a learner on the inside, what helps you to learn. And then even if no one around knows, be kind of a secret agent and weave in what you're finding out about your learning style. One day, I promise that's going to help you. And for now, it might be a little bit subversive, but that's okay. Learning about how you learn and learning about your brain is only going to serve you as you go further in your education.
One of the reasons that school is really hard for kids is because of ableism. Because there's not a built-in understanding that all brains are different, and all brains are good. And that all those different learning styles matter . We are all born inherently curious, and we learn best when we're interested in the subject matter, but the classroom typically doesn’t have the flexibility to allow kids to learn as they’re interested. The problem is, when we're force-fed education, it depletes our natural curiosity until we forget what it feels like to learn that way anymore. And many of us have to relearn somewhere along the way, whether it's college or maybe we have a great teacher in high school, who's really trying to encourage curiosity, we have to relearn all over again, how to be curious. For example, lots of people stop reading for pleasure because they've been force-fed reading.
The first piece is to know that you're not making it up. If you feel like “School's killing me and I hate it here,” I think it's okay to say, “What if that's true? What if I'm not just being an annoying obstinate teenager? What if I'm actually seeing something that's right and true about this system,” but then also, you don't have a ton of control, you have to be there. The other thing is to know that your curiosity is the most powerful tool that you have . If there is a way that you can get curious, you can hack the system that you're handed with your own curiosity.
For me, when I was trying to learn in school, I had a lot of working memory issues, but I loved to sing. And so, I would sing my note cards, every word I had to memorize, and I would pair with another word that I liked to say inside of my head, something that I loved. That helped me to learn in the way that I was being told to learn. Maybe for you, that’s walking. By walking at the same time as you read, you feel happier, or maybe for you, that's tying everything to your special interest in anime or whatever it is. But remember that there's nothing wrong with using the way that you were built to learn . And no other way of learning is going to be as good as the way that you learn.
If there's one thing you could get curious about right now, even in school, when it feels like it's killing you, it's like who are you as a learner on the inside, what helps you to learn. And then even if no one around knows, be kind of a secret agent and weave in what you're finding out about your learning style. One day, I promise that's going to help you. And for now, it might be a little bit subversive, but that's okay. Learning about how you learn and learning about your brain is only going to serve you as you go further in your education.
What should I do after high school?
For a long time, teenagers have been told that the thing they should do is go to college. And people are rightly stepping back and asking if that's still true for them or if there might be some other way that they could learn and grow and move into the world. I think that part of being at that age is that, inherently, you feel driven to try new things because, in the process of trying things, you might land on something you really love. One thing that I don't love about college is when people feel like they have to decide, even by 16 or 17, what they want to do with their life. That's way too much pressure. And as someone who's 40-something now, I can look back on it and know that that wasn't the right expectation for myself at that time. It was not a time to figure out what I was going to do with my life. It was a time to try things and see what I loved.
If there's some next step that you can take that doesn't feel so permanent, that's not so hard, that lets you try things like trying out an internship or volunteering for a year at an organization that might be in an area that you care about, it's a great time to think about giving your skills back to the community that you come from and helping people along who are earlier on in the process than you. You've probably got a lot of energy right now and a lot of time, and it doesn't cost too much to be alive when you're young. It really is a time to be brave and try something and see what lights you up inside. The goal isn't to figure out what you're going to do with your life. The goal is to figure out who you want to be. And the best way to do that is to put yourself in places where you try new things.
If there's some next step that you can take that doesn't feel so permanent, that's not so hard, that lets you try things like trying out an internship or volunteering for a year at an organization that might be in an area that you care about, it's a great time to think about giving your skills back to the community that you come from and helping people along who are earlier on in the process than you. You've probably got a lot of energy right now and a lot of time, and it doesn't cost too much to be alive when you're young. It really is a time to be brave and try something and see what lights you up inside. The goal isn't to figure out what you're going to do with your life. The goal is to figure out who you want to be. And the best way to do that is to put yourself in places where you try new things.
how can I be less lonely? (recently started at a new school)
Being new is so lonely. I want you to feel less lonely, I do, but I also want you to know that everyone feels lonely when they're new at something
. It's not that you're doing this wrong, and if you were just better at it, you wouldn't feel lonely. It might feel lonely for a time, but the first thing you can do is join something that's in your interest area. Maybe it means doing something new. The school may not have the same things that you used to do at your last school. You might join the yearbook or try taking pictures for the newspaper, or give yourself a chance to try out for a sports team that you've not tried before.
Putting yourself in an environment to try something and as you're there, look around and ask, “Is there anybody here who makes me feel safe? Is there someone who seems particularly welcoming or friendly?” This is the scary part, but you might have to walk up to them and say, “I'm new and I don't have any friends yet. Could I sit with you at lunch?” or “Could you help me meet a few people?” You might have to be vulnerable and ask for someone to help you out, but hopefully they will. Most people know that it's hard to be new and my hope is that it wouldn't take too many tries before you find somebody who really helps you make the connections that you're looking for. Just one person can make all the difference between being lonely and having a friend.
Putting yourself in an environment to try something and as you're there, look around and ask, “Is there anybody here who makes me feel safe? Is there someone who seems particularly welcoming or friendly?” This is the scary part, but you might have to walk up to them and say, “I'm new and I don't have any friends yet. Could I sit with you at lunch?” or “Could you help me meet a few people?” You might have to be vulnerable and ask for someone to help you out, but hopefully they will. Most people know that it's hard to be new and my hope is that it wouldn't take too many tries before you find somebody who really helps you make the connections that you're looking for. Just one person can make all the difference between being lonely and having a friend.
How Talk to Teens My Age
Something that makes me feel more comfortable when I'm around new people is talking about the things that I'm interested in. And in this way, I'm definitely very autistic. It's a really common autistic trait that we have certain really passionate interests, and talking about those things makes us feel really happy and excited. And when we're outside of that area, it can feel hard. It could be that if you can find a group of other people who share your interest, that can make making friends feel really easy.
I think that finding people to talk to who make it easy to be yourself, who ask you questions about yourself and seem interested in you, people who don't judge things that you say or tease you, is key. Real friendship feels good to both people. And that can be really confusing when you're a teenager and you just haven't had very many tries at friendship. It can be really easy to gaslight yourself and say, “Oh, no, they really like me. This is all it is.” The number one thing I would say is to believe yourself. If your gut is saying “Something feels off. I think they're teasing me. I think they don't like me,” listen to yourself, believe yourself, and have the courage to say what you need, “I don't like it when people tease me. I don't think it's funny” or “I don't like that word and I don't want to be around people who use it” or “I don't like doing X, Y, or Z activity. It doesn't feel good to me.”
That kind of very clear communication in friendships can reveal a lot, too. If people don't take that well, if they get really angry at you or defensive or kick you out of the group or something else, all things that have happened to me, it says more about them than it does about you. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. It means that you stood up for yourself and other people showed that they didn't have the maturity or the quality of friendship that you're looking for to really listen to what you had to say and to respond to it. That's what real friends will do.
I think that finding people to talk to who make it easy to be yourself, who ask you questions about yourself and seem interested in you, people who don't judge things that you say or tease you, is key. Real friendship feels good to both people. And that can be really confusing when you're a teenager and you just haven't had very many tries at friendship. It can be really easy to gaslight yourself and say, “Oh, no, they really like me. This is all it is.” The number one thing I would say is to believe yourself. If your gut is saying “Something feels off. I think they're teasing me. I think they don't like me,” listen to yourself, believe yourself, and have the courage to say what you need, “I don't like it when people tease me. I don't think it's funny” or “I don't like that word and I don't want to be around people who use it” or “I don't like doing X, Y, or Z activity. It doesn't feel good to me.”
That kind of very clear communication in friendships can reveal a lot, too. If people don't take that well, if they get really angry at you or defensive or kick you out of the group or something else, all things that have happened to me, it says more about them than it does about you. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. It means that you stood up for yourself and other people showed that they didn't have the maturity or the quality of friendship that you're looking for to really listen to what you had to say and to respond to it. That's what real friends will do.
Help, I want to fit in!
Part of trying to fit in as a teenager is looking for who your people are. There's a way to fit in that means pretending to be someone you're not, and there's a way to fit in that's finding people who like you the way you are.
Part of the gift of being homeschooled is that you are a little off the path - it's a little different. Embracing that difference and recognizing that your people might be other kids who also have something about them that's a little off the path, something about them or their upbringing or their experience that makes them also feel like they don't quite fit in. Find those people who understand that part of you and get to know what makes them feel a little different, and see if you can create your own space where fitting in is more about embracing your difference rather than trying to hide it.
If it's hard to find those people and you feel like the only option you have to make friends is to pretend to be somebody that you're not, then as someone who's done a lot of that, I just want to put out there that sometimes it's better to be really good company to yourself and to be true to yourself than to surround yourself with people who you know don't really know you or like you for who you are, because there's nothing lonelier than being surrounded by people who don't know the real you . Better to be you and alone than to be surrounded and to be pretending.
Part of the gift of being homeschooled is that you are a little off the path - it's a little different. Embracing that difference and recognizing that your people might be other kids who also have something about them that's a little off the path, something about them or their upbringing or their experience that makes them also feel like they don't quite fit in. Find those people who understand that part of you and get to know what makes them feel a little different, and see if you can create your own space where fitting in is more about embracing your difference rather than trying to hide it.
If it's hard to find those people and you feel like the only option you have to make friends is to pretend to be somebody that you're not, then as someone who's done a lot of that, I just want to put out there that sometimes it's better to be really good company to yourself and to be true to yourself than to surround yourself with people who you know don't really know you or like you for who you are, because there's nothing lonelier than being surrounded by people who don't know the real you . Better to be you and alone than to be surrounded and to be pretending.
