How to Handle a Busy Boyfriend

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Guidance on dealing with anxiety when your boyfriend is busy
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Do you wish your boyfriend had more time to spend with you? If your beau always seems to be busy with work, school, or other obligations, it can put a strain on your relationship, especially if you tend to call or visit him at inopportune times. Mismatched schedules don’t have to spell the end of your relationship, though. In this article, we’ll break down what you can do to deal with a busy boyfriend.

Boyfriend Always Busy? What to Do

  • Fill your time with your personal hobbies, friendships, and passion projects so that you stay busy yourself.
  • It’s normal to feel kind of anxious or uneasy if you can’t spend time with your boyfriend and it’s early in the relationship.
  • Talk to your boyfriend if you feel like your needs aren’t being met when it comes to spending quality time together.
Section 1 of 6:

Dealing with a Busy Boyfriend

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  1. 1
    Remember that your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Take a long, deep breath. Then, remember that your boyfriend has chosen to be with you. Out of all the potential partners out there, he picked you and that means a lot. It’s totally normal to be bummed out about your boyfriend being busy—and you shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad—but it should help to remember this when it comes to any anxiety you’re feeling. [1]
    • This kind of anxiety is especially normal if it’s early in the relationship. These feelings will likely go away as you and your boyfriend find your rhythm.
  2. Your boyfriend has priorities, and you probably have some too! Keep yourself busy doing things you need to do. It’s better to tackle any schoolwork, actual work, or house chores you’ve been putting off. If you feel like you don’t have much to do, set some new goals or work on something less pressing. [2]
    • For example, you can put extra effort into your work or studying, spend more time with your family, or catch up on chores around the house.
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  3. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be the only source of fun in your life. Fill your time with things you enjoy, and if you don’t have many hobbies, go get some . Besides being happier, you’ll also be more attractive and interesting when you have a life outside your relationship. [3]
    • For instance, you could start working out, learn a new language, write a novel, or pick up a craft.
    • Try visiting Meetup , a platform that connects you to others in your area who also want to try new activities.
  4. Make time to see your friends regularly, and don’t just talk about your boyfriend with them. Do things related to your shared interests, like going to concerts, shopping, or watching movies. Spend less time with friends who are needy towards their own boyfriends, since their behavior may influence you. [4]
    • You could also try joining Bumble BFF to find some new gal pals to hang out with!
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Section 2 of 6:

Talking to Him About Your Concerns

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  1. 1
    Tell him how you’re feeling without making accusations. There’s no need to make this a “fight” convo. Just tell him you’re feeling a little sad about how infrequently you've seen each other lately and that you wish it could change. Be really low key about it and aim for a tone that’s more hopeful than accusatory. [5] You might try:
    • I feel like we haven’t had a ton of quality time together lately. It’s been kind of bumming me out. I could really use some more Seth in my life!
    • You’ve been so busy lately. I am not even a little jealous of everything you’ve got on your plate. I do kinda wish we had more “us” time, though.
    • Are you free next week at all? I’d really love to spend more time together. We haven’t had some chillaxing time in a hot minute and it’s weighing on me.
  2. 2
    Listen to your boyfriend’s explanation (if he has one). It’s possible your boyfriend doesn’t offer any explanations because he’s just genuinely very busy for reasons he has already explained, but if he does try to explain himself, hear him out! Maybe this is just temporary. Perhaps he’ll have an explanation for you regarding a project at work or something else. Maybe he didn’t even know you wanted to spend more time together and this is the wakeup call he needed! [6]
    • Some people use “I’m busy” as a catchall excuse when they need time to themselves. Even if he isn’t necessarily using the time for things that strike you as worthy of the “busy” label, this might just be his go-to excuse when he needs alone time. [7]
  3. Find out when your boyfriend is free and when he needs to be left alone to get things done. Learn what hours he works, when he’s at school, and what times he goes to sports practice or works on his hobbies. This could provide you the context you need to understand why he’s so busy, which may help alleviate your fears. [8]
    • It’s easy to spin out of control and imagine he’s doing something nefarious if you don’t really understand how he spends his days. You don’t need to be super invasive, just casually ask how he spent his day whenever you two chat!
  4. 4
    Try to come up with a compromise . You both should get what you need from the relationship, so if you need more time to feel close, tell him. Then, try to offer him the same thing: if he says that he needs more time for his independence, try to respect that. Begin from a place of respect and care, and you'll have an easier time finding a compromise.
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Remember to respect your partner's time. Busy schedules are stressful, so start by offering support. Try to be flexible with your calendar and plan dates in advance. Being understanding while still making sure you both prioritize the relationship will help you maintain a strong connection.

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Section 3 of 6:

Is it normal to feel hurt when my boyfriend is busy?

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  1. Yes, this is just a sign that you’re really into him and you miss him! This is your boyfriend that we’re talking about. You two are in a special relationship that can’t be replicated elsewhere, and this is just a sign that you’re head over heels. Think about it this way: if you didn’t feel anything when your boyfriend was too busy to hang out, it’d kind of be a sign you weren’t that romantically invested, right? [9]
    • It’s especially normal to be anxious or scared about your boyfriend being too busy when you’re early in the relationship. If you two haven’t been together for more than 6-12 months, don’t freak out if you’re…well, freaking out.
    • If you two have been together for a longer period of time and you still get very anxious or you feel so overwhelmed with anxiety that it’s hard to go about your day, it’s worth reaching out to a counselor or therapist. You may have some underlying attachment issues to work through, which is super common (and nothing to be ashamed about).
Section 4 of 6:

Normal Busyness vs. Potential Red Flags

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  1. 1
    Normal—He’s going through a transitional period. If your boyfriend has just been let go of his job, someone important to him has just died, or some other big event has thrown him for a loop, it’s normal for him to be busier than you’re used to. Life can be messy and if he’s got a lot going on in his non-relationship life and his relationship is going well, it makes sense he’d be spending a lot of time on that non-relationship stuff. [10]
    • Other big transitional moments might include: big financial struggles, relocation, a spiritual awakening, a health crisis, and struggles with family or friends.
  2. 2
    Red flag—He’s inattentive to your needs. It’s one thing to be super busy, but if he’s busy and he’s neglecting the basic needs of your relationship, business is not an excuse. You deserve regular phone calls/texts, and it’s reasonable for him to put you in front of things like casual time with friends or video game tournaments. [11]
    • If he’s not responding to your texts, calling you regularly, or reaching out on social media to chat periodically when he’s busy, that’s a worrying sign. He should at least be talking to you.
  3. 3
    Normal—He has a high-stress job or tough test coming up. If you’re dating the town’s top homicide detective or heart surgeon, it’d be reasonable for your experience of the relationship to be a bit different than what you’re used to—that man has a lot on his plate. It’s also worth giving him the benefit of the doubt if he’s got a big exam coming up at school, he needs to graduate, or he’s fighting to keep his grades up. [12]
    • A job that involves a lot of travelling is also likely to keep your boyfriend busier than normal.
  4. If you suspect that your boyfriend is using being busy as an excuse to push you away, he’s probably not the right person for you. He might be married to his job or goals, and unless you have a similar mindset, you’ll probably end up feeling unloved and neglected. [13]
    • Sometimes people avoid their significant other because they don’t know how to break up. If you think this is what your boyfriend is doing, don’t drag things out. Be the more mature person and call it quits .
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Section 5 of 6:

Finding Time to Be Together

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  1. Don’t just guess when you should hangout with your boyfriend—discuss it ahead of time so you’ll know for sure and actually schedule it. Ask him when he prefers to talk on the phone, and see whether he has any downtime during the day when you can come say hello. [14]
    • For instance, maybe he’s free to have lunch with you once a week, or maybe he can talk on the phone with you when he gets out of class at 4 PM.
    • Plan ahead, even if that just means renting a movie and cooking a nice dinner. If you’re worried you’ll forget to tell him things, write them down so you’ll have plenty to talk about next time you see each other. [15]
  2. If your boyfriend is too busy for long hangout sessions, look for other reasons to get together. For instance, you could help him with yard work or go to the gym together in the mornings. [16]
    • Join one another for the stuff both of you have to do anyway. You could join one another for grocery shopping, for example.
    • You can also join him for activities he’s already involved in. If he takes a cooking class on Monday nights, ask him if you can come, too.
  3. 3
    Stay in touch digitally whenever you’re apart. Even if he’s got a lot going on, he should have no problem texting or messaging online during the day. Send one another memes, share silly little anecdotes about one another’s day, and just keep the conversation going. You won’t feel so far apart if there’s a little bit of a convo going on all day. [17]
    • Maybe your boyfriend just isn’t used to being on his phone that often. If that’s the case, just take it slow and encourage him to check in more often. He’ll get used to it!
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Section 6 of 6:

Respecting His Schedule

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  1. If you know your boyfriend is busy, don’t call or text him, even if you miss him. If you interrupt him too often, you’ll seem clingy and he’ll get annoyed. [18] Stick to the times you agreed on for talking and hanging out together. [19]
    • If you’re really tempted to call or text but you know it’s a bad time, turn off your phone, or go somewhere and leave your phone at home.
  2. Your plans, goals, and friendships are just as important as your boyfriend’s, so don’t just drop everything the second he wants to see you. Make sure he respects your time as much as you respect his. [20]
  3. There are all kinds of reasons your boyfriend might not call or text you back. Maybe he forgot to take his phone off silent mode after class, or maybe he got held up by something at work. Don’t panic or assume he’s being passive-aggressive with you – everything is probably fine. [21] [22]
    • Whatever you do, don’t send him a barrage of texts or calls. He’ll get back to you when he can. Find a way to distract yourself in the meantime.
    • However, if you don’t hear back from him within a week, it’s probably time to check on him to make sure everything’s ok.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How can I stop assuming something is up when my partner is busy?
    Anna Svetchnikov
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Anna Svetchinkov, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mental Health Advocate, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she helps individuals, couples, and families nationwide and worldwide overcome challenges and achieve their goals through speaking engagements and presentations. Anna is a dynamic presenter who's appeared on major media networks, including PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, sharing her expertise in family therapy and mental wellness. She's a published author with over 30 books for children, adolescents, teens, and adults, covering topics related to mental health and wellness. Passionate about destigmatizing mental health, she founded the non-profit "I Care We All Care." Anna has received several awards for her contributions to the mental health field and was selected as one of Florida's ‘40 under 40.’ She received a BS in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston and is pursuing her Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI.
    Anna Svetchnikov
    Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
    Expert Answer
    It's crucial to keep the lines of communication open. Many relationship issues stem from misunderstandings that arise due to a lack of communication. Avoid making assumptions and setting unspoken expectations for your partner. It's vital to express your needs directly because your partner can't read your mind. Misunderstandings often lead to frustration and resentment over time. Instead, initiate conversations and express your thoughts in a non-confrontational manner. For instance, you could say something like, "I understand you're busy, but let's plan something together." Regular check-ins are essential. When addressing concerns, it's important to avoid accusatory statements like "You never have time for me." Such comments may trigger defensiveness, hindering constructive dialogue. I typically advise my clients to utilize the sandwich approach or the four-step communication method. With the sandwich approach, begin by acknowledging the positive aspects of your relationship, then bring up your concerns, and conclude on a positive note. Alternatively, the four-step method involves celebrating small victories, taking responsibility for your actions, expressing your concerns, and working together to devise a solution. This approach fosters an open and collaborative atmosphere, allowing both partners to contribute to the relationship's growth and harmony.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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  • Question
    My boyfriend is a doctor, and he is very busy with work, plus he is currently preparing for an exam. We don't have much time to talk. What should I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Try scheduling calls ahead of time with your boyfriend to make sure you have time to connect. Since he's so busy, you can make the most of the time he has off by planning fun trips or vacations.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 11 Helpful 43
  • Question
    My boyfriend is always busy or away with work, and we don't communicate enough. Every day I long to hear his voice, but it's not easy for him to pick up my calls. What should I do?
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011.
    Paul Chernyak, LPC
    Licensed Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    If he can't take your calls, try sending pictures or short videos via text or over an app like Snapchat. This will give you a chance to connect, even if it isn't in real time. Try to make the most of the limited time you have together.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a52614/not-texting-boyfriend-for-a-week/
      2. ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11654012/Sex-and-relationship-advice-My-boyfriend-is-too-busy-to-see-me.html
      3. ↑ https://thedailyaztec.com/97584/opinion/its-never-too-late-to-pick-up-a-new-hobby/
      4. ↑ https://www.estherperel.com/blog/relationship-stress-at-a-high-try-spending-time-with-friends
      5. ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11654012/Sex-and-relationship-advice-My-boyfriend-is-too-busy-to-see-me.html
      6. ↑ https://nittygrittylove.com/seriously-just-listen-to-your-spouse/
      7. ↑ https://archive.nytimes.com/opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/30/the-busy-trap/
      8. ↑ http://www.businessinsider.com/12-ways-to-stay-happily-married-to-an-extremely-busy-startup-executive-2013-1
      9. ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11654012/Sex-and-relationship-advice-My-boyfriend-is-too-busy-to-see-me.html
      1. ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11654012/Sex-and-relationship-advice-My-boyfriend-is-too-busy-to-see-me.html
      2. ↑ https://www.vogue.com/article/reconnecting-with-ex-friends
      3. ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11654012/Sex-and-relationship-advice-My-boyfriend-is-too-busy-to-see-me.html
      4. ↑ https://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-tips-to-recognize-and-honor-your-needs-in-relationships/
      5. ↑ Anna Svetchnikov. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 October 2023.
      6. ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a52614/not-texting-boyfriend-for-a-week/
      7. ↑ https://theeverygirl.com/make-time-for-partner/
      8. ↑ https://www.scottkedersha.com/blog-pages/do-you-and-your-spouse-talk-more-than-the-average-married-couple
      9. ↑ https://www.onlymyhealth.com/things-that-can-annoy-your-boyfriend-1580290665
      10. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-stir/dating-advice_b_1923186.html
      11. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sahaj-kohli/dating-advice-how-not-to-lose-yourself_b_1701314.html
      12. ↑ Anna Svetchnikov. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 25 October 2023.
      13. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-spira/why-texting-and-dating-ma_b_7153950.html

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you'd like to avoid bothering your busy boyfriend while still spending time with him, start by asking him when he is free and available to talk or hang out. If he’s too busy to have long dates, find creative ways to spend time together such as helping him with yard work or going to the gym together in the mornings. Additionally, keep yourself busy by hanging out with friends, taking care of your own responsibilities, or picking up new hobbies. For more advice, like how to find out if you’re compatible with your boyfriend, read on!

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