How to Be Mentally and Emotionally Strong

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When we’re not able to handle the curveballs life throws at us, things can feel pretty chaotic and out of our control. The good news is: you totally can become mentally and emotionally stronger. It's a journey that doesn't happen overnight, but it's worth the effort. To help guide you, we spoke with licensed psychologists and life coaches for expert tips on building your resiliency quickly and effectively.

How to Build Mental & Emotional Strength

Licensed psychologist Catherine Boswell, PhD explains that building emotional and mental strength comes down to challenging your narrative about yourself. Look for areas of your life that you can control and set goals to manage them. Also, recognize what you can't control and adjust your expectations to be flexible.

Section 1 of 3:

Actionable Steps to Build Mental & Emotional Strength

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  1. You'll get mentally stronger and wiser the more knowledge you accrue. Don't let yourself get stuck in a mental or physical rut. Be curious, aware, and informed about the world. [1]
    • Read books , watch good films, go to concerts, go to plays, watch ballets, and take in art in some form.
    • Make your own art . Write, paint, make music, do sculpture, knit — anything that stimulates your creative side.
    • Learn new skills . Branch out in the kitchen, do some DIY projects around the home, plant a garden, learn how to drive a manual car, learn how to fish, or train to run a 5K.
    • Talk to people. Have deep conversations that go beyond small talk. Learn people's histories and share your own.

    Meet the wikiHow Experts

    Guy Reichard is a life coach and executive resilience builder who empowers executives, business owners, and other ambitious people to lead their best lives.

    Donna Novak, Psy.D is a licensed clinical psychologist with over ten years of experience in treating psychological issues and anxiety.

    Catherine Boswell, PhD is a licensed psychologist who specializes in treating people struggling with trauma, grief, and pain.

  2. Many people gain strength from paying attention to their spirituality. Having a connection to something greater than yourself—whatever that may be—can imbue the spirit with strength and a sense of purpose. Research has shown that spirituality and prayer help to relieve stress and decrease healing times during an illness. Spirituality can take many different forms, and it's important to find the one that works for you. There's no right way to be spiritual.
    • Consider going to a place of worship to pray with other people.
    • Get into meditation or yoga.
    • Spend time in nature and admire the beauty of the natural world.
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  3. Negativity can come at you in different ways: it can be from within, in the form of negative thoughts and harmful self-talk, or from the outside, as negative feedback or abuse from other people. Life coach Guy Reichard says, “[Try to] understand why you’re engaging in negative self-talk. Is it fear? Avoidance? Negative or limiting beliefs about yourself? Trauma? Have care and compassion for yourself and heal what needs to be healed, [and] correct or transform the beliefs that don’t serve you into ones that do.” [2]
    • Manage negative thoughts by learning to identify and challenge them.
    • How do you actually challenge negative thoughts? Dr. Boswell says it’s all about double-checking the story you’re telling: “Reality check that narrative: Is it really about who you are here-and-now, or is it an old and potentially inaccurate story? Remember, we are hard-wired to notice the negative, the things that go wrong, because this is how we have survived as a species. It takes extra time and focus to allow success to sink in and begin changing your perceptions.” [3]
  4. Positive daily affirmations can help you develop your mental and emotional strength. Take a few moments every day to look at yourself in the mirror and say something encouraging to yourself. You can either say something that you believe about yourself or something that you would like to believe about yourself. [4] Some examples of positive affirmations include:
    • "I am working on being emotionally strong every day."
    • "I am learning more productive ways to manage my stress and be kind to myself."
    • "I know that if I take little steps towards this goal every day, I will feel more emotionally and mentally strong."
  5. If you're sensitive to the small annoyances and verbal barbs we all encounter daily, you will end up devoting time and energy to things that, ultimately, don't matter. When you dwell on these little things and give them your attention or treat them as a major hassle, you not only increase your stress, but you may be increasing your mortality risk. Learning to adjust your attitude so that you take those small, everyday stresses in stride will help keep your stress hormone under control. [5]
    • Be aware of perfectionism , which may cause you to have extremely high and often unrealistic expectations of yourself and how your day goes, often forgetting to factor in the many things that affect your day that are beyond your control.
    • Try a visualization exercise to let go of little things that are bothering you.
  6. Journaling can help you to understand what may have caused you to experience these challenges, and it is also a great way to relieve stress. To get started with journaling, choose a comfortable place and plan to devote about 20 minutes per day to writing. You can start by writing about how you are feeling or what you are thinking, or you can use a prompt. Some prompts and starting points you might use include:
    • “I feel powerless when…”
    • “My biggest challenge is...”
    • “Something I could work on is...”
    • “If I could talk to myself when I was a child, I would say…”
    • “When I am feeling low, the nicest thing I could do or say to myself is…”
  7. Mentally and emotionally strong people tend not to complain very much. They have as many troubles as everyone else, but they take them in stride and see the bigger picture. Being around positive people can provide you with more mental and emotional strength to tackle difficult situations. Some studies have even shown that having a positive outlook can benefit your physical health as well. [6]
    • Let yourself be in the moment during happy times. Try to enjoy your family, friends, pets, and so on as much as possible.
    • Reichard reminds us that “there is so much to learn from failure…see each missed attempt as a challenge to learn and grow.” [7]
  8. Being able to face reality might be the biggest sign of a person's emotional and mental strength. If you're going to overcome an obstacle, you need to be able to take it head-on. Lying to yourself about what's going on will only end up hurting you in the end. [8]
    • If you have escapist tendencies, like watching too much TV as a way to avoid your problems, recognize your bad habits and work to overcome them.
    • If you're drinking, doing drugs, stealing, lying, and so on, you're detracting from your ability to be emotionally and mentally strong. Start phasing these vices out of your life, or at least limit them so they don't control your behavior and emotions.
  9. When you're faced with a difficult situation , take as long as you need to think it through before you react or make a decision. This gives you time to get your emotions under control and weigh your options, and it's mandatory no matter what situation you're dealing with. [9]
    • If you can, take time to evaluate the situation, writing down how you are feeling. [10] Try to identify at least one positive thing about the situation, no matter how small. [11] Changing your thinking in this minor way can make a huge difference.
    • Wait 10 seconds to let something sink in before you speak. Even if your girlfriend just told you she wants to break up, you can spare 10 seconds to compose yourself before you respond. In the end, you'll be glad you did.
  10. The reason why you might be feeling like you lack mental or emotional strength may be linked to something that happened to you in the past. Whether this thing happened just a few months ago or when you were very young, it may be affecting your mental and emotional strength. Research has shown that children who are abused, neglected, or otherwise endangered are more likely to have emotional and mental issues, so therapy may be in order if you want help handling these issues. [12]
    • Try to determine if negative childhood experiences may be contributing to your mental and emotional states. Consider how and why those experiences may have affected you the way that they have.
    • How do you start healing on your own? Dr. Boswell says, “In order to begin healing, fast-forward to here-and-now and connect the dots. Remember and remind yourself that you are no longer required to play whatever part you played in the past. Then, begin to practice noticing and appreciating the things that you do that are ‘right,’ as well as your abilities and strengths.” [13]
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Section 2 of 3:

Habits of Mentally & Emotionally Strong People

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  1. Exercise, healthy food, rest, and relaxation will help you to develop and maintain your mental and emotional strength. By taking good care of yourself, you are sending your mind signals that you deserve to be taken care of. Make sure that you are devoting enough time to meeting your basic needs for exercise, food, sleep, and relaxation. [14]
  2. Set reasonable goals and follow through with them. You can practice building mental strength by setting meaningful goals and working to accomplish them, step by step. Getting from one step to the next requires applying yourself, working through boredom or pain, and sticking it out until you've made it. That's no easy feat, and the more you practice, the better you'll get at achieving your goals. [15]
    • If you have big goals that seem unattainable, break them down into smaller doable steps. [16] For example, if you want to work on becoming more assertive, you could set a goal to speak up for yourself three times per week. These instances could be as minor as telling your partner that you want to go to dinner at a specific restaurant, rather than deferring to your partner’s choice.
    • Have a "stick with it" attitude. Decide that even if you have a setback, you're going to keep trying, whether the goal in question is keeping a job, finishing a project, managing your finances, and so on.
    • See failures as learning opportunities. Failures are simply temporary setbacks full of lessons for us to learn.
  3. When a situation starts to escalate and you can feel your emotions threatening to boil over. When you contain yourself a bit instead of being impulsive and reactive, you have more time to weigh your options and figure out the wisest way forward.
    • Taking the time to count to 10 sounds like a cliché, but it really works. Before you have an emotional reaction to something, pause, take a deep breath , and think it through. [17]
    • Practicing meditation may be helpful in helping you remain calm, as it teaches you to be more objective about your emotions and thoughts. Instead of reacting, you are able to look at thoughts and emotions and say, "Okay, I'm feeling really frustrated right now," and then figure out how what to do next. [18]
  4. If you tend to get wrapped up in your own problems, find ways to get a different perspective on your life and all its possibilities. Reichard explains, “Recognize that whenever you’re uncomfortable in your own skin, you’re probably holding on to a view of yourself that just isn’t true and isn’t serving you and encourage yourself to embrace the perspective that you are safer and better off being who you really are.” [19] If you're having trouble getting out of your own head, try these techniques:
    • Read more . Reading the news or a novel lets you enter into others' worlds, serving as a good reminder that the world is a big place and your problems are but a drop in the bucket.
    • Volunteer . Interact with people who need your help. Some studies have shown that volunteering has a wide range of benefits for your mental and physical health. [20]
    • Listen to a friend . Hear out someone who really needs your advice. Put yourself in that person's shoes and give the best, most genuine advice you have.
    • Travel . Getting out of your comfort zone can really help you get perspective on your situation. Go somewhere new, even if it's just a few towns over.
  5. Determine the right path and take it. Use your conscience as your guide. Research has shown that people who make decisions based on what their instincts tell them to do tend to be more satisfied with their decisions than people who carefully weigh them out. [21] Sometimes the answer will be clear, and sometimes it will be extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do. Don't let the problem fester and get out of hand; make a decision and go for it.
    • Consult with others you trust . It's completely fine to ask others' opinions if you're not sure what course to take. Just don't let them sway you into doing the wrong thing.
    • Think about what someone you admire would do . It should be someone who is level-headed, honest and good-hearted. What would that person do?
    • Take responsibility for your actions . Make the best decision you can make — something you can live with.
  6. After you encounter a difficult situation, consider what happened, how you handled it, and how it all turned out. Are you proud of how you behaved? Is there something you would do differently if you could? Try to learn as much as you can from your experiences. Wisdom is only gained through this type of practice. Examining what happened, rather than just trying to put it out of your head, will help you know what to do next time you face a challenge. [22]
    • If things didn't turn out as planned, that's okay. Remind yourself that things don't always go smoothly and that you won't always get exactly what you want; this is true for everyone, no matter how fantastic their life may appear. [23]
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Section 3 of 3:

Expert Advice for Building Mental & Emotional Strength

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  1. 1
    Accept yourself for who you are. Reichard says, “If one doesn’t feel comfortable in their own skin, it’s possible they hold a distorted view or belief of who they really are and/or put too much stock into what anyone else might think about them. To be truly comfortable in our own skin, we need to realize the truth of who we really are—a being worthy of love and acceptance—and that we are safe and free to be who we are.” [24]
  2. 2
    Challenge yourself socially if you lose control around people. If your mental and emotional strength tends to waver around others (which is super common), practice! Licensed clinical psychologist Donna Novak, Psy.D says to note the moments when you’re scared or anxious around people, and then seek situations like that out on purpose to practice dealing with them. [25]
  3. 3
    Respect your anger, but don’t let it control you. “It is important to speak for our anger (hopefully before it turns to rage) rather than from our anger,” Dr. Boswell says. “We must therefore slow the process down and notice, in our bodies and in our hearts and minds, the click-click-clicks of anger that can build to rage and sort it out preemptively, before it is too late and we lose control.” [26]
  4. 4
    Once you develop a healthy habit, don’t let it go. Dr. Novak points out that it’s way too easy to stop doing something productive because you assume it will be easy to go back to it. She says, “Keep up with the habits that help you. Don't let those go. Things like exercise, or getting some meditation into your practice, can help you be present.” [27]
  5. 5
    Talk to yourself before you talk to other people. It’s easy to lose control if you aren’t prepared. Dr. Novak recommends literally practicing key conversations with yourself before you carry them out with others. “Have some ideas of the actual language of what you can say to get where you want to go. It's really helpful.” [28]
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How Can I Become More Resilient?


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      Tips

      • If you’re struggling with an addiction issue, get help. It’s going to be a challenge to improve yourself mentally or emotionally if you’re struggling with a substance abuse problem. [29]
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      • Steer clear of people who disrespect you and make you feel weak.
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      • Try to work on living more "in the moment", thinking less about what bothered you in the past, and what is concerning you about the future.
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      Tips from our Readers

      The advice in this section is based on the lived experiences of wikiHow readers like you. If you have a helpful tip you’d like to share on wikiHow, please submit it in the field below.
      • Find your purpose in life. Expose yourself to new things, new ideas, new hobbies, and find what you really want to do before you die. In the end, that's all that matters.
      • Visualize yourself in tough situations and handling it with confidence and patience. This can really make your mind believe that you're confident.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/12-ways-to-keep-your-brain-young
      2. ↑ Guy Reichard. Life Coach. Expert Interview
      3. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      4. ↑ https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/tips-to-improve-your-self-esteem/
      5. ↑ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0531556514002058
      6. ↑ https://centerhealthyminds.org/join-the-movement/9-ways-to-stop-being-negative
      7. ↑ Guy Reichard. Life Coach. Expert Interview
      8. ↑ https://my.uq.edu.au/information-and-services/student-support/health-and-wellbeing/self-help-resources/self-esteem-and-self-confidence
      9. ↑ https://ombudsperson.org.uiowa.edu/difficult-problems
      1. ↑ https://www.pcc-cic.org.uk/dealing-with-difficult-situations/
      2. ↑ https://asauk.org.uk/archive/working-together-for-advice/access-and-demand/pilot-1-making-reception-work/reception-skills-training/reception-skills-bitesize-training/dealing-with-difficult-situations/
      3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/seeking-therapy
      4. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-raise-your-self-esteem#1
      6. ↑ https://actionforhappiness.org/take-action/set-your-goals-and-make-them-happen
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/coaching-and-parenting-young-athletes/201311/keys-effective-goal-setting
      8. ↑ https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/my-feelings/anger/
      9. ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/mindfulness-meditation-may-ease-anxiety-mental-stress-201401086967
      10. ↑ Guy Reichard. Life Coach. Expert Interview
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empathy-gap/201308/the-caring-cure-can-helping-others-help-yourself
      12. ↑ https://edu.gcfglobal.org/en/problem-solving-and-decision-making/decisionmaking-strategies/1/
      13. ↑ https://hbr.org/2022/03/dont-underestimate-the-power-of-self-reflection
      14. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/introspection-self-reflection/
      15. ↑ Guy Reichard. Life Coach. Expert Interview
      16. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      17. ↑ Catherine Boswell, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview
      18. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      19. ↑ Donna Novak, Psy.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview
      20. ↑ https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/treatment-alcohol-problems-finding-and-getting-help

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To be mentally and emotionally strong, remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments every day, and try not to let small things bother you or make you upset. Set realistic goals and work on achieving them, which will help you feel capable and confident. If you ever catch yourself thinking negatively, turn your thoughts around and focus on the positive so you're happier and more secure. Also, read more, volunteer, and travel to new places so you develop a well-rounded perspective on life. To learn more from our Counselor co-author about how to stay calm under pressure and motivate yourself, keep reading the article!

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