What It Means to Be a Good Friend & How to Be a Better One

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Master the art of being a supportive and caring friend
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Good friendships boost your overall well-being and greatly enhance your life. At the same time, a good friendship isn't built without a lot of time and effort—and a lot of love. But what is a good friend? We talked to psychologists and therapists about the qualities good friends have and how you can be a better friend to others. We've also got some tips on how to deal with an unhealthy or toxic friendship.

Ways to Be a Good Friend

  1. Schedule quality time to spend with your friends.
  2. Ask open-ended questions and listen actively to their answers.
  3. Build trust by showing up for your friends and following through.
  4. Communicate openly and honestly with your friends.
  5. Forgive your friends and accept them for who they are.

Becoming a Good Friend

Section 1 of 3:

How to Be a Good Friend

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  1. You enjoy spending time with friends, but life can get busy, causing you to push fun stuff to the side. Problem is, everyone needs social time too! The solution? Put time with your friends on the calendar just like you would with someone you were dating. When you make time for your friends, you show them how valuable they are to you. [1]
    • What it looks like: Find something fun that you and your friend can do on a weekly basis, such as getting coffee and going to the library, and make a plan to do it on the same day every week.
  2. Sit down and have a conversation about your thoughts and feelings. When you can lay bare your feelings to someone, that vulnerability strengthens your bond with them. Remember that friendship is a two-way street and offer your full attention when your friend has something they want to talk to you about. Work on your listening skills so you can better understand their thoughts and feelings. [2]
    • What it looks like: If your friend says they have something they want to talk to you about, you silence your phone and turn it face-down, then turn to face them.
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  3. Talk to your friends with a sense of genuine curiosity. Show them that you love getting to understand them better by asking open-ended questions that allow them to talk about their perspective and experiences. [3]
    • What it looks like: You ask your friend questions to uncover why they feel the way they do about a hot-button political issue rather than calling them names.
  4. Your friends will really know they can count on you if you show up to help and support them—especially if you volunteer or just show up without being asked. This could potentially include anything that your friend is active in or that's important to them, such as sports, social causes, or the arts. But it also includes times when they need a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. [4]
    • What it looks like: Take notes for your friend when they're absent from class, help them find their lost pet, attend a family funeral with them.
  5. Over time, a pattern of following through means your friends can rely on you. Your friends will consider you a great friend if they know that they can rely on you come what may.
    • What it looks like: You show up to help your friend move or when they ask for help with something on social media.
    • Following through applies to fun things as well—don't tell your friends you're going to go out with them and then flake out at the last minute. They might stop asking you along.
    • Truly good friends know that being friends with someone means hanging out with each other at times that aren't necessarily fun. They aren't "fair-weather friends" who only come around when things are going well.
  6. It's totally normal for people to slip off the radar briefly now and again—if you don't hear from someone for a week or so, it's usually not anything to worry about. But if it seems like it's been an abnormally long time since you've heard from someone, go ahead and shoot them a text and make sure everything's okay.
    • What it looks like: send a text that says something like "I was just thinking about you and realized we haven't chatted in a while, everything alright?"
    • Keep in mind that some people are ashamed to reach out when they're having problems. They may need their friends to recognize that something's up and reach out to them instead.
    • Clinical psychologist Lena Dicken notes that "questions outside of just 'How are you'... really allude to the fact that you want to know more. But saying, 'How are you doing emotionally?' is probably the most succinct way of finding out somebody's feelings specifically."
    • "Offering some of what you're feeling as the person asking can also be helpful," Dicken adds. "People always feel safer to open up once that groundwork has been laid."
  7. There's nothing better than telling someone directly how much you appreciate them . It doesn't matter if your friends already know how you feel about them—it always feels awesome to hear! And when you focus on your gratitude, you'll start to have a more positive outlook overall. [5]
    • What it looks like: Get them a small thoughtful gift, such as something that made you think of them, for no reason. You might also send them a little handwritten thank you note in the mail.
  8. listen to your friends with the idea of understanding where they're coming from—not trying to figure out if they're right or wrong for thinking the way they do. Show them love and support even if you don't necessarily agree with what they're doing. [6]
    • What it looks like: You pick a friend up after a protest with water and a snack, even though you don't agree with the cause they were protesting about.
    • The easiest way to be less judgmental is simply to ask your friends questions to try to understand where they're coming from instead of jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.
  9. You and your friends might have a lot in common, but you're also different people. You probably don't see eye to eye on everything, and that's great! Every difference between you and a friend is an opportunity for you to learn something new that expands and enhances your worldview.
    • What it looks like: When you find out that you and your friend disagree on something, you ask them questions to try to better understand their opinion rather than arguing or changing the subject.
  10. When you spend a lot of time with someone, it's likely that you'll bug each other at some point. Even if you and a friend have a lot in common, some differences are bound to emerge sooner or later. Instead of getting angry at your friend or insisting they change to suit your preference, find a way to accommodate their differences. [7]
    • What it looks like: If your friend fidgets and bounces their leg in a way that bothers you but you know they can't help it, move to the other side of the table and say something like "I feel like we can make eye contact better if we sit across from each other" instead of snapping at them in irritation.
    • Whenever you and a friend have an argument (it happens!), be ready to admit your own mistakes and apologize for your role in the situation. Talk it over and come to a resolution, then let it go—holding grudges can lead to resentment.
    • If you're the one who was in the wrong and your friend isn't ready to forgive you, Dicken recommends you "say something along the lines of 'I understand that you're still upset with me, and that I've hurt you deeply, or I've really upset you. And I just want to let you know that I want our relationship to continue, and when you are ready to talk, I'm ready to listen. And I apologize again.'"
  11. Licensed psychologist Tracy Carver notes that feeling loved and supported is a huge part of a healthy friendship. give emotional support to your friends, especially when things aren't necessarily coming up roses for them. It can be tough to hang around someone who's facing a serious challenge sometimes, but that's what friends are for. [8]
    • What it looks like: You go and visit your friend if the are sick or recovering after an injury and spend time with them.
    • If you see a friend facing a serious challenge, such as a problem with drugs or alcohol, confront them gently and offer to help them find local resources rather than turning your back on them.
    • Keep in mind that there's a difference between offering emotional support and fixing all of your friend's problems. You can't fix everything all of the time—nor should your friend expect you to try—but you can be there for them.
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Section 2 of 3:

11 Traits of a Good Friend

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  1. Good friends trust each other implicitly. They know they have each other's best interests at heart and would never do anything intentionally to hurt each other. Because they're open and honest with each other, they know they can count on each other to do what they say they're going to do. [9]
    • Good friends keep their promises to each other and avoid promising anything that they're not sure about. When something does come up, they apologize , explain the situation, and do whatever they can to keep it from happening again.
  2. Good friends keep each other's confidences and consistently have each other's backs. When they hear other people saying mean or negative things about their friends, they stand up for their friend and do what they can to squash the rumors and negativity. [10]
    • For example, if a good friend overheard someone saying something mean about their friend, they might stick up for them or say something like, "That doesn't sound like them at all—have you talked to them about it?"
    • Loyal friends consistently show up for each other, even though they have differences and make mistakes sometimes. Their strong bond helps them overlook each other's flaws.
  3. Good friends are honest with each other, even when it might lead to disagreement. Because they care about each other deeply, they try to be tactful when saying something they're afraid might be hurtful. [11]
    • This honesty enhances the trust between two friends. It also means that when they tell each other something, they can also believe it.
    • Honesty includes being authentic . Good friends value each other on a deep level and know that no masks are necessary when they're together—they can be their true selves.
  4. Good friends care about each other's feelings and try to look at things from each other's perspectives. They're sensitive to the fact that sometimes they can experience the same thing in different ways—and they're open to understanding more about the way the world looks and feels to each other. [12]
    • When friends have disagreements, they ask questions so they can empathize and apologize sincerely for any emotional hurt they've caused—even when it wasn't intentional.
  5. Good friends value each other and hold each other in high esteem. This means they'd never do anything that might embarrass or insult their friend. They also take care to learn each other's boundaries so they can avoid violating them. They genuinely want their friends to feel safe around them, both mentally and physically. [13]
    • When good friends have differing beliefs, they look for common ground and don't attack each other's differences.
    • Friends also show respect by supporting friends who are going through struggles. Their acts of caring show how much they value the person within.
  6. Good friends are giving —of their time, their resources, their attention, their companionship, and their support. They're always willing to share or do each other favors without keeping tabs on who owes whom. And they don't worry about whether their friends are taking advantage of them because they know their friends are equally generous. [14]
    • Friends also wouldn't abuse each other's generosity. They reciprocate favors quickly and are always happy to share the wealth when they experience good fortune.
    • Carver emphasizes that in a healthy friendship "there's some equality... that spirit of reciprocity, where it feels like you're giving as much as you're receiving."
  7. Good friends give each other plenty of time and space and try not to snap at each other or jump to conclusions about each other. They reach out to each other and ask questions before they get angry or upset. They listen actively to each other and validate each other's feelings . [15]
    • When they do have disagreements or challenges in their relationship, good friends give each other the space and time they need to deal with their feelings and decide what they want to do without pressure.
  8. As people grow and change, their relationships grow and change. Good friends allow their friendship to evolve organically, taking time to understand what changes in their lives might mean for their relationship. They don't keep trying to force their friendship to stay the same through high school, college, and into adulthood. Rather, they accommodate the changes and accept the ways those changes might alter their core friendship. [16]
    • For example, if someone has recently gotten married or had a baby, a good friend would recognize that they weren't going to be as available as they had been in the past and not take it personally.
    • For friends having difficulty being this flexible, Dicken notes that "the only constant is change, and it wouldn't actually be beneficial for us to stay who we were for our entire lives. It's actually really beneficial for people to change and grow... into themselves."
    • Good friends give each other plenty of space and freedom to live independent lives, rather than being clingy or possessive.
    • Good friends also understand that their friends have other friends and don't get upset or feel left out if they aren't invited to every social occasion.
  9. Good friends are interested in each other's lives and get excited for each other's wins. They celebrate genuinely without feeling jealous or spiteful. Even when they're competing with each other, they still encourage each other to do their best.
    • Because good friends always want the best for each other, they happily celebrate each other's triumphs and cheer each other on to succeed.
    • This doesn't mean that friends always agree with each other on what to do or how to go about it. For example, they might joyfully celebrate their friend's wedding even though they think the couple should have waited a few months.
  10. Good friends feel comfortable being around each other. They know they can let down their guard and not have to worry about this person doing anything to hurt them. This is part of the reason why good friends can offer such great emotional support. [17]
    • Friends also feel comfortable accepting each other and supporting each other. They don't worry about being betrayed or hurt.
    • Part of this comfort comes with time. As friends get to know each other and spend more time together, they become more familiar to each other.
    • As friends become more familiar to each other, their behavior becomes more predictable—and people naturally tend to be more comfortable around people whose behavior they feel they can predict.
  11. Good friends really like each other and enjoy spending time together. Even when things don't go according to plan, good friends can still manage to have fun. Just getting to spend time together is one of the best parts of any adventure they have together. [18]
    • Good friends often have similar senses of humor and like a lot of the same things, which makes it a lot easier for them to enjoy spending time together.
    • At the same time, there are some friends who seem to have nothing in common but still really like hanging out together! While having a lot of things in common can make it easier to build a friendship, it isn't always a necessary requirement.
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Section 3 of 3:

Dealing with Toxic Friends

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  1. Generally, a toxic friend is the opposite of a good friend. But most people aren't completely toxic in every way. Because they still have some good qualities, you keep them around longer than is healthy. List the things they do that bother you, then determine if those things bother you because they're actually violating one of your boundaries. [19]
    • Sometimes, it's less about your friend becoming toxic and more that you've simply grown apart. Dicken notes that "it's just natural that people grow apart over time, because the only constant is change, and it wouldn't actually be beneficial for us to stay who we were for our entire lives."
    • Things that were fine even a year ago might have changed. For example, if you have a friend who likes to go out drinking all the time and you've recently committed to sobriety, you might consider that friend toxic now.
    • Dicken advises that you "remind yourself that it's okay to let go of relationships that aren't really working anymore, or you don't really have much in common anymore."
    • Reflect on your friendships every few years or after a major life change. Remember that it's ok to let go of relationships that are no longer serving your interests.
  2. This also means figuring out what you really want, so think about what would be the ideal outcome for you. Do you want them to change the way they treat you, an apology, or both? How will you feel if they decide that they don't want to be friends with you anymore? Do you even like spending time with this person anymore? These questions will help you figure out what kind of boundaries you need to set. [20]
    • Therapist Ebony Eubanks advises that if a friend is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, you "create a boundary in the relationship" where you're not subjected to that thing, then "learn how to accept that person for who they are and not who you want them to be."
    • Just setting boundaries isn't enough if you're going to let them slide when they violate your boundaries. Enforce your boundaries consistently so they'll be able to understand and predict the consequences of their actions.
    • For example, if your friend is always late, you might tell them that if they are more than 10 minutes late, you're going to leave. Next time you go out, wait 10 minutes and then leave. If you're still there when they show up 15 minutes late, it shows them that you're not actually going to enforce your boundaries.
  3. Toxic people typically have a habit of stirring up a lot of drama in their wake—and if you're a friend, it can be hard not to get caught up in it. Starting rumors about someone toxic or getting tangled up in whatever dramatic web they've woven can only reflect poorly on you. [21]
    • For example, a toxic friend might plant a rumor to test you in some way—they might want to find out your reaction to it or see if you tell them about it. But if they're toxic, they'll likely get mad at you regardless of your response.
  4. While you don't want to talk trash about a friend—even if they're toxic—the people who love you can still be there to support you. Coming to terms with the ending of any relationship is difficult to do and your friends and family can help you stay positive and offer additional resources if you need them. [22]
    • Other friends can also help you early on, when you're still trying to decide what you want to do about the situation. If you discuss the person's behavior with other people who love you, they can help reassure you that you're not blowing things out of proportion or being too sensitive.
    • If you're worried about what the toxic friend might do if you bring the issue up to them, tell your family and friends. They can help back you up when you do talk to the person.
  5. If you're not going to cut off the toxic person , the least you can do is make sure you're around them as little as possible so they won't affect you as much. While circumstances might make it impossible to stay away from them completely (such as if you're coworkers or classmates), you can still avoid socializing or hanging out with them. [23]
    • If you're both invited to the same event, use your better judgment. If it's big enough, it might be possible for both of you to attend and keep your distance.
    • When you do run into them, be polite but cut the conversation short. For example, you might invent an urgent errand that you have to run immediately or pretend that you just got a phone call you have to take privately.
  6. Carver recommends that you explain how, with therapy, the focus will be entirely on them, noting that you can "maybe kind of appeal to their ego a little bit or appeal to their sense of relief that they might get from, 'Oh, finally, someone is listening to me and not just interrupting every five seconds.'"
    • Depending on the intensity and length of the friendship and the way the person has behaved, you might find that you would benefit from therapy as well. You don't have to be dating someone for them to abuse you, and abuse is trauma that's really difficult to get past on your own. [24]
    • "The past informs the present," Carver continues. "And having more insight, more self-understanding, is the key to becoming a mature, healthy, happy person. And so there's no better opportunity to dig into all of that, than with the therapist who's trained to talk about that stuff. And who's trained to help you make connections between the past and the present."
    • Carver does caution that "the person who's going to be the client needs to feel empowered, and to have some agency in this decision. And if they're really resistant, then they're just not ready for therapy and the therapy will likely be unsuccessful."
  7. If you don't think the friendship is salvageable, the best thing to do is to not have that person in your life at all. Even though the no-contact rule is designed for romantic relationships, it works for platonic ones too. Start by deleting all of their information from your phone and blocking them on all social media platforms. This removes their influence from your life and gives you a little breathing room. [25]
    • You don't have to do this forever. If, after a few months, you decide that you miss the person and would like to try being friends, you can always initiate contact again.
    • Going full no-contact gives you an opportunity to see what your life is like without that person in it. If you made the right decision to cut them off, you'll likely feel a lot lighter and more confident as a result.
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How Can I Be a Good Friend?


Build Real Friendships with this Expert Series

Are you struggling to make friends? We’ve put together this series of expert articles to help you build true, lasting friendships.
1
Find a True Friend
2
Socialize, Be Funny and Make Friends
3
What It Means to Be a Good Friend & How to Be a Better One
4
Know If Your Friends Are Using You
5
Revive a Friendship
6
Respect Your Friends

Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    What do you do if your best friend moves away?
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    With all the technology available to keep in touch with people, make sure you text, email, or video call every once in awhile. If it is difficult to connect, you can still send messages of encouragement to let your friend know you care.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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    Not Helpful 21 Helpful 88
  • Question
    What do you do if you are not sure if your friends like you?
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    If your friends spend time with you and talk to you, it is highly likely that they like you. If they did not like you, they would not spend the time or energy with you. Therefore, assume they like you until they tell you differently.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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    If wikiHow has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission. Support wikiHow
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      • If you have trouble making friends, look for people who have similar interests to you. Then, try to share in experiences together. The more of a mutual experience and middle ground you have with someone, the easier it will be to stay friends.
      • If you're having trouble with a friend, try giving them some space. Always being around another person isn't healthy, and if conflict is driving you apart it's probably a good time to take a break and let them cool off.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202302/what-makes-a-good-friend
      2. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201801/ten-ways-become-better-friend
      5. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/gratitude
      6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      7. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-be-a-better-friend/
      8. ↑ https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-be-a-better-friend/
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201801/ten-ways-become-better-friend
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201801/ten-ways-become-better-friend
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202311/the-50-traits-we-desire-in-a-friend
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201801/ten-ways-become-better-friend
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bottoms/201610/7-traits-true-friendship
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/202311/the-50-traits-we-desire-in-a-friend
      7. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      8. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/making-good-friends
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bottoms/201610/7-traits-true-friendship
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202305/5-signs-that-a-friendship-has-turned-toxic
      11. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/relationships/friendships/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship
      12. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/relationships/friendships/dealing-with-a-toxic-friendship
      13. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/helping-a-friend-in-an-unhealthy-relationship-or-friendship
      14. ↑ https://au.reachout.com/relationships/friendships/3-ways-to-end-a-toxic-friendship
      15. ↑ https://www.mass.gov/info-details/helping-a-friend-in-an-unhealthy-relationship-or-friendship
      16. ↑ https://www.mhaet.com/toxic-influences/

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