What Is Belittling Behavior & How Can You Stop It?

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Helping you identify and deal with people who put you down
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You’re chatting with someone when they suddenly say something that makes you feel bad. They continue the conversation like nothing happened, but you’re pretty sure they insulted you. This sounds like a case of belittling, a type of bullying that’s often disguised as harmful jokes or "constructive" feedback. So, how do you know if you’re being belittled and what can you do about it? Keep reading to find out what belittling behavior is and why people do it.

Things You Should Know

  • Belittling is a form of verbal bullying that aims to make someone feel small or inferior.
  • If someone’s belittling you, they may say things like, “You’re stupid,” or “What makes you think you’ll succeed?”
  • Stop a belittler by calling them out on their behavior. Then, clearly explain why what they said was hurtful.
Section 1 of 4:

How to Stop Belittling Behavior

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  1. The best way to stop belittling behavior is to openly disagree with what’s being said (if it’s safe to do so). Calmly and clearly let the person belittling you know that you don’t agree with what they said. This can stop bullying behavior right in its tracks. [1]
    • Let’s say you’re studying with a friend, and they say, “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” even though you aced all your tests this school year. Take a deep breath, swallow, and respond with, “I kind of do. The last test was set up this way, and I spoke with Miss Smith after class to confirm what would be on it.”
    • If speaking up doesn’t seem safe, walk away from the belittler and remove yourself from the conversation.
  2. Believe it or not, some belittlers don’t even realize they’re being belittling. To them, the comments may simply be harmless jokes or feedback. If what they said hurt you, be honest . Calmly explain why the comment(s) was hurtful. More often than not, they’ll correct their behavior if they care about you.
    • Returning to our previous example, you may explain to your friend you’re studying with that, “I heard you when you said that I didn't know what I was talking about. It really hurt, distracted me from studying, and made me doubt myself. I wish you would trust me more and not say comments like that when we study together.”
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  3. Deflecting with humor is defensive in the wrong direction and may escalate the situation. Instead, take a moment to pause and address what happened.
    • For instance, you may respond to your study partner’s hurtful remark by saying something like, “Ouch, what's gotten into you? Come on, that hurts. We both know, I actually do know what I'm talking about. I wish you would trust me more.”
  4. Unfortunately, change doesn’t happen overnight. Stay persistent with protecting yourself from belittlers and have patience . Repetition and kindness can go a long way.
    • Know that most bullies and belittlers put others down because they feel inferior and insecure about themselves. You never know what goes on behind closed doors, so always treat people with kindness , no matter how hurtful their comments may be. [2]
    • If you feel like the belittler will never stop undermining you, talk to a counselor and consider ending the friendship or relationship. Remember, your happiness and well-being are the most important.
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Section 2 of 4:

What is belittling?

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  1. When someone belittles you, they make you feel small, inferior, or unimportant. [3] Say a friend tells you, “You’re so stupid.” Chances are, the comment makes you feel silly, embarrassed, or sad. Belittling language can be intended as a harmless joke or a piece of constructive criticism, but it ultimately makes you second-guess yourself.
    • Belittling can happen in all types of relationships. Your romantic partner, friend, relative, coworker, or boss can make you feel small. However, the way you deal with and stop the behavior is relatively the same regardless of your relationship.
    • The term “belittle” is similar in meaning to “minimize,” “depreciate,” “discredit,” or “undervalue.”
Section 3 of 4:

Examples of Belittling Behavior

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  1. More often than not, belittling is a form of condescension or patronizing superiority. Belittlers will use bullying language to make you feel embarrassed or foolish, all in an attempt to humiliate you. [4]
    • If someone uses condescending language to belittle you, it may sound like, “Well, that never happened to me” or “Take it easy. It was just a joke.”
  2. Belittling often shows in criticism. While someone may claim their critique is constructive, it can have discrediting tones that may make you feel worse about yourself. This form of belittling is meant to make you doubt yourself, feeding into your insecurities.
    • For instance, if someone says, “You don’t have what it takes,” or “Your dance moves are sloppy,” you may start to question your abilities.
  3. This form of belittling remark turns your accomplishment(s) into something anyone can do. It makes what you feel is extraordinary into something below ordinary, invalidating your feelings and downplaying your achievements. Basically, it makes the important seem less important. [5]
    • For example, this can look like someone saying, “That’s not a talent. Anyone could do it” or “You graduated? Doesn’t everyone do that?”
  4. Belittling comments are meant to make you feel small. A put-down, therefore, is used to invoke guilt and shame. [6] If someone thinks they’re better than you, they may try to guilt trip you.
    • This may look like a loved one saying, “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” or “I’ve given you everything and more. You’re so ungrateful.”
  5. Belittling can go as far as being direct insults. These comments aren’t hidden behind sarcasm or “constructive” criticism; they’re meant to hurt you. When someone uses a belittling insult, you’ll likely feel worthless or inferior.
    • For instance, if someone says, “You’re the dumbest person I know,” or “You’re not pretty,” you may feel insecure.
  6. Belittling comments can bring up past mistakes and failures. When someone makes a discounting remark, they’re trying to belittle you into thinking you’re worthless. It’s easier to find truth in this form of belittling because it stems from your past.
    • A discounting comment may sound like, “You failed last time. What makes you think you’ll pass this time?” or “You couldn’t get your license before. No way you’re getting it this time.”
  7. Sometimes, a belittling comment can make you do things you don’t necessarily want to do. Many people use belittling to get their way or manipulate people.
    • For instance, if someone says, “They stopped working with you, which means you’re unprofessional and need new management,” or “You failed the last test. You probably need a new tutor,” you might be persuaded to take action based on their opinion alone.
  8. When someone belittles you, you can feel incompetent. Undermining comments accentuate this feeling, making you feel small even when you’re on top.
    • This can look like someone saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about” or “Do you even know how to write?”
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Section 4 of 4:

Why do people belittle others?

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  1. More often than not, people belittle others because they want to seem bigger and better. They believe that putting someone down can help them appear more successful, accomplished, or powerful. [7]
  2. Most bullies feel insecure about themselves and resort to bullying to hide their insecurities. By making other people feel inferior, belittlers build themselves up. [8]
  3. If someone is belittling a partner or friend, it’s probably because they’re unsure about the relationship. They want some sort of control, so they’ll make comments and remarks to put the other person down. In their mind, it’s a way to gain power.
  4. Most people belittle others because they want something the other person has. Maybe that’s good looks, smarts, or a partner. Either way, they’ll find ways to put the person they’re jealous of down to make themselves feel better. [9]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/what-you-can-do
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202104/how-handle-someone-who-puts-you-down
      3. ↑ https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/belittle
      4. ↑ https://www.workplacesthatwork.com/what-is-condescending-or-demeaning-behavior-and-why-you-should-care/
      5. ↑ https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/trivializing
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202104/how-handle-someone-who-puts-you-down
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bullying
      8. ↑ https://www.ditchthelabel.org/why-do-people-bully
      9. ↑ https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1002/cbl.30042

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