How to Convince Someone to Leave an Abusive Relationship: 14 Ways

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Expert-backed advice for helping someone exit an abusive partnership
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Discovering that your loved one is in an abusive relationship can be overwhelming: you want to help them, but you’re just not sure how. It’s a tough situation to navigate, and while you can’t force your loved one to leave, there are ways to support them through their abusive relationship and hopefully empower them to leave of their own accord. Keep reading for advice on how to convince someone to leave an abusive relationship.

Things You Should Know

  • Remember that you’re not responsible for saving your loved one: they have to make the choice to leave their abusive relationship themselves.
  • Talk to them nonjudgmentally about their relationship, and listen without criticism or blame. Avoid telling them what to do or getting involved in their relationship.
  • Offer to help them come up with a safety plan if/when they want to leave. This may involve getting them a new phone or finding a safe place for them to stay.
1

Listen without judgment.

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  1. Never blame them, judge them, or tell them how to feel. You likely have strong feelings about what’s going on and what your loved one should do about it, but it’s important that you avoid being judgmental, critical, or harsh. They’re experiencing pain that you cannot understand, and it is belittling to tell them what to do or how to feel. Listening to what they say without judgment will help them feel valued and respected, and it will show them you’re a safe person to talk to.
    • "You need to leave them" or "You should get help" are examples of telling them what to do. Even if you mean well, this is usually unhelpful.
    • It’s likely their abuser has eaten away at their confidence and sense of autonomy, and telling them what to do perpetuates the idea that they’re not in control of their own life. They may transition from obeying their abuser to obeying you.
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2

Ask them how they feel about their relationship.

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  1. Gently invite them to reflect on their relationship. Ask how your loved one feels when the abuser acts controlling. Your goal isn't to impose an opinion upon them, but to encourage the victim to reflect on how they are being treated. [1]
    • "Are you okay with him monitoring your texts?"
    • "Does it bother you when she does that?"
    • "How do you feel about him talking to you like that?"
3

Validate their feelings.

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  1. Reassuring and validating your loved one will comfort and empower them. Abuse stirs up many emotions, not all of which may make sense to you or seem "right." It’s OK if you’re confused or don’t understand: many times, when people talk, they just want to feel that you care. Listen to your loved one actively, and be empathetic regarding whatever they might be experiencing. Here are some useful, validating phrases to practice:
    • "That sounds really difficult/frustrating/rough."
    • "I'm so sorry to hear that."
    • "I'm not surprised to hear that you feel that way, given everything you're going through."
    • "You're allowed to be upset."
    EXPERT TIP

    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

    Marriage & Family Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Marriage & Family Therapist

    Support abused friends by listening non-judgmentally. If your friend is in an abusive relationship, it's really important to focus on their well-being and what they need. Start by asking how they're doing and show you genuinely care. Listen to them and give support, don't just tell them what to do. Try to understand their point of view and give them a safe space to share their feelings, so they feel heard and not judged.

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4

Encourage them to have self-compassion.

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  1. Gently talk them out of blaming themselves for their situation. They may feel that it's their fault their partner is abusing them or that they deserve to be mistreated. They may also feel at times as if they’re being ridiculous or irrational, and that it’s “not that bad.” Remind them that their feelings are normal and valid, and it isn't their fault. [2]
    • “I know you feel like you’ve brought this on, somehow, but I promise you: you did nothing to deserve any of this. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care.”
    • "You say it's not that bad, but everything you've been sharing with me would make me feel really scared and upset, too."
5

Avoid criticizing their abuser in front of them.

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  1. Your loved one may get defensive if you criticize their partner. Whether they know logically that they’re being abused or not, it’s common for a victim of abuse to side with their abuser when someone criticizes them. Hating on the abuser, while thoroughly justified, may make your loved one alienate themselves, which will make it harder to help them. [3]
    • If they see you as too biased, they may avoid coming to you with their problems. Try to stay polite, no matter how horrible the abuser is.
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6

Realize you can’t make them leave.

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  1. The initiative to leave needs to come from the victim. It’s very hard to watch someone you love be mistreated. You may wish to sweep the victim away and keep them safe, but remember that you're not responsible for your loved one, and you can't force them to leave. Your loved one may feel powerless, and in order to make a lasting change, they need to empower themselves. [4]
    • Reaching the point where your loved one is ready to leave may take longer than you want it to. Let them move at their own pace without pressure. Work on taking care of yourself and being supportive.
    • It probably feels frustrating watching your loved one struggle. You may feel responsible for their well-being and guilty about "not doing anything," but you’re really doing them a lot of good simply by being there for them.
7

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  1. Sharing your feelings may help them see things more objectively. Criticizing the abuser directly might alienate the victim, but framing it in terms of your feelings can make it more palatable. This helps your loved one consider the situation through your eyes.
    • "I'm worried about your safety."
    • "It scares me to leave you home alone. I remember the bruises she gave you and I worry you'll get hurt again."
    • "I've never seen you so upset, and it worries me."
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8

Avoid getting involved in their relationship.

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  1. Resist intervening, no matter how much you want to. Once you know your loved one is being abused, you may feel the urge to get involved. Unfortunately, jumping into an abusive dynamic is likely to get you hurt, risks alienating the victim, and is unlikely to help your loved one in the long run. Only confront the abuser if the victim asks you to, and if you personally feel that you are able to do so safely. [5]
    • If you tell off the abuser, it may anger them. Unfortunately, they may take their anger out on the victim in private later. As tempting as it is, it may endanger the victim.
    • If the abuser perceives you as being against them, they’ll likely discourage or prevent your loved one from interacting with you as much.
9

Offer specific help.

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  1. You can’t convince them to leave, but you can make their life a little easier. Your loved one may not be in an emotional place to think about where they could use support. Suggest how you could be helpful—making meals, caring for children, researching their partner's behavior, et cetera. [6]
    • Helping them out is an indirect way to remind them they're loved, they're not alone, and they don't have to take care of everything by themselves. And it'll also let them know that should they ever want to leave their partner, they'll have support.
    • "I know you've been dealing with a lot lately, so I'm sending over dinner for you and the family today to make things a little easier."
    • "You've talked about seeing a therapist, which sounds like it could be really helpful! If you need any help, like a ride there or someone to watch the kids, just let me know."
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10

Encourage them to have a social life.

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  1. Try to get them to go out and spend time with friends or family. An abuse victim may become isolated over time, and you can help by inviting them out. Go out together, or invite them to a group thing. Contact with the outside world is helpful to their mental health, and they deserve to go out and have fun.
    • An abuser may try to manipulate the situation to drive a wedge between the two of you. Even if you and your loved one have a fight or something, make sure they know they can still come to you.
    • "You deserve a night out! I'm going to the movies this weekend and I'd love for you to come. We could even get dinner after!"
    • "Do you think you'll play softball again this year? You were so good at it and seemed to really enjoy it. I can watch the kids if you need a sitter. Go have fun!"
11

Build up their self-esteem.

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  1. Give them some extra love and attention. Help your loved one feel valued and remind them they’re loved. Abuse can hurt or destroy their self-esteem, so you can be helpful by building them up a little. In time, they may begin to feel confident enough to reassess their relationship and even leave their abuser. [7]
    • Mention the qualities you like most about them (resilience, wisdom, kindness, etc.).
    • Do activities together (e.g. bowling, painting) that they are good at. Help them feel successful and competent.
    • Ask them for advice about something.
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12

Encourage them to get professional help.

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  1. Suggest that they see a therapist or domestic violence expert. If your loved one asks for advice, this is a good sign. You can help a little, but you may feel overwhelmed and confused about next steps. Don't be afraid to suggest that they see someone who is more qualified. [8]
    • For example, "Jess, I really want to help you, and this is such a difficult situation that I don't really know how. I think it might be good to talk to a counselor who specializes in this area. I could help you find someone, and I promise I'll still be here for you."
    • If they say yes, look for a domestic violence expert or therapist (not a couples counselor).
13

Explore safety plans with them.

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  1. Developing a safety plan will help keep them out of danger. If your loved one recognizes that there is a problem, you can help them come up with a plan if they feel unsafe. Write it down, or if they feel their abuser will find it, keep it verbal. [9]
    • Your plan might involve helping them buy a new cell phone, changing their daily routine, figuring out how to keep the children safe, if they have any—essentially, anything that can prevent their abuser from keeping tabs on them and maintaining control. [10]
    • Offer options if your loved one expresses fear or a desire to leave, but give them control and let them choose what they feel is best for their situation. [11]
      • "You sound really scared to go home tonight. Would you like to sleep over at my house?"
      • "Would you like to call an abuse hotline ? You don’t have to, but if you want, I could make the call for you, or I could stay with you while you call."
      • "I know where the local shelter is. Would you like me to drive you there?"
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14

Support them after the relationship ends.

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  1. Abuse leaves long-lasting effects. Even if your loved one manages to get out of their abusive relationship, they’ll likely have a lot of healing to do. Continue being there for your loved one and helping them face their scars. [12]
    • Help them adjust to life without their partner: spend time together and call regularly, make them dinner and help them around the house, offer to watch their children if they have any, etc.
    • Continue to listen to them talk about their relationship without judgment.
    • In time, things are likely to get easier for them, but for now, they'll need as much friendship and love as they can get.

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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      2. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      3. ↑ https://www.hhs.gov/about/agencies/asa/foh/index.html
      4. ↑ https://www.hhs.gov/about/agencies/asa/foh/index.html
      5. ↑ https://www.hhs.gov/about/agencies/asa/foh/index.html
      6. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      7. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      8. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      9. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend
      1. ↑ https://www.dvccct.org/is-this-abuse/safety-planning/
      2. ↑ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/supporting-someone-who-keeps-returning-to-an-abusive-relationship/
      3. ↑ https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help/how-help-friend

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