How to Deal With Needy People

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It can be difficult to know how to handle someone who is needy, whether it be a romantic partner, friend, or family member. You may love and appreciate this person, but not want to spend all of your time with them or hear about their unending drama. You may feel completely exhausted after spending time with this person, feeling like they completely drain the life out of you. Remember that nobody is your responsibility. Here are some ways to help you deal.

Part 1
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Practicing Interpersonal Skills

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  1. Saying “no” is empowering and allows you to be in control of your life without trying to please other people. So why is it so hard to say no? Saying no takes some practice, so start noticing when you’re fearful to say no and practice saying “no” in the mirror to get more comfortable with those words. When saying no, make it clear that you are saying no to the request, not to the individual. [1]
    • Don’t feel obligated to commit to something on the spot. Say, “Can I have a moment to think this decision over and get back to you?”
    • If someone is being pushy, be just as resolute at saying no. Say, “I know you won’t give up easily, but I am not going to change my mind.”
    • Know that people ask you for favors or to do projects because they believe in you. Always say “thank you for thinking of me”, even when you politely decline. [2]
  2. You may continue to have this person in your life because there’s some benefit in it for you. This person may be a romantic partner whom you live with or share finances, or you may need that person to boost you up when you feel down. You may feel fearful of this person leaving you and have a fear of abandonment, even if you’re unhappy in the relationship. [3]
    • Ask yourself what benefits you receive from the relationship, whether they be physical (companionship, monetary needs, sex), emotional (someone to talk to, a sense of belonging), and related to feeling dependent. Ask yourself, “Is this relationship fair to this person? Is it fair to me?”
    • If you have fears of abandonment, do some inner work and resolve the trauma of abandonment. You can also Find a Therapist .
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  3. You may need to discuss appropriate boundaries with this person. Decide what boundaries you want to enforce, and ask yourself how each boundary will benefit you and the relationship. Thinking of the benefits will help you commit to keeping the boundary and not feel guilty about enforcing it. [4]
    • Affirm each boundary with positive statements. “Even though this person may be unhappy with this boundary, I have the right to decide how to spend my time, energy, and resources.”
    • You may be with a partner who always wants to hear that they are beautiful, that you love them, and that you only have eyes for them. If you’re not emotionally open or ready for that kind of relationship, let them know. Say, “I am not in a position to give you all of the things you want.”
    • Remember that you have control over your life. If someone drains you, it’s time to create some boundaries.
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Part 2
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Interacting With a Needy Person

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  1. While you may not be able to allow this person to exit your life (say, if it’s a co-worker or family member), you can limit your contact. Make yourself less available to this person (via text, phone, email and social media) and communicate that you would rather not spend all your time “plugged in.”
    • Say “I have just a few minutes before I need to go”, and politely disengage when time is up. [5]
    • Politely decline any time you don’t want to spend with this person. Don’t lie or make up excuses, but do communicate your position by saying “I’m unavailable” or “I’m not interested in that activity.”
    • If this person texts or calls you incessantly, let them know that it’s too much contact. Gently tell this person you don’t like to communicate at all times and would like more space.
  2. This person may go to you to fix their problems, or always seem to have some sort of crisis. If you don’t want to take this on, don’t. If you hate getting caught up in gossip or “woe is me” stories, communicate this need tactfully. Especially if you give advice and this person tends to go against it, let it go. Allow the person to make their own decisions without you being a factor. [6]
    • Say, “I don’t want to have this role in your life.”
    • Avoid offering solutions. Instead, offer words of empowerment, such as, “I’m sure you’ll be able to work this out on your own.” [7]
  3. If asked, “Why don’t we hang out anymore?”, don’t lie. There’s no use creating a lie that you will have to keep up, and it is more respectful to the person and to yourself to remain in honesty. You may feel like you are protecting yourself or the other person, but ask yourself whether there is any real benefit from lying. [8] However, there’s no need to tell the person all the things you perceive as negative. Instead, put the focus on your own needs.
    • Say, “Sometimes I have difficulty being involved in the drama of other people’s lives when I have so much of my own already.”
    • You can also say, “It can feel really draining to be so closely involved with other people that I often need an emotional and physical break.”
  4. You may choose to avoid this person, not respond immediately to texts or phone calls, or slowly cut this person out of your life. Whatever you do, do so in a way that you would want to be treated if you were on the other end. [9] There’s no need to be mean, catty, or vicious in your approach. You make these actions because you want to reclaim your life, not because you want to stir up drama or make someone feel bad.
    • While your decisions remain yours alone, there’s no need to tell other people about your decision to cut this person out of your life by gossiping.
    • Don’t “ghost”, or suddenly cut all contact without explanation. Many people find this confusing and disrespectful. You may want to tell this person that you need some space and that you will be taking a step away from your phone or e-mail.
  5. Find a happy medium where you feel respected and the other person also feels respected and getting their needs met. Compromise allows both people to find common ground in a situation. [10] Compromise is especially important when you are dealing with a person that plays a major role in your life such as a romantic partner or family member. Communicate your needs clearly, and allow the other person to communicate needs clearly. Once you both reach a place of understanding, create compromises that can benefit both of you.
    • Perhaps you don’t like speaking on the phone, but it means a lot to your grandmother. You may compromise from daily phone calls to twice a week.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you set boundaries with someone?
    Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
    Registered Clinical Counsellor
    Cameron Gibson is a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Vancouver, British Columbia. Cameron specializes in working with men to support their struggles with anxiety, depression, trauma, OCD, and developmental disabilities. He holds a BA in Psychology from Carleton University and an MA in Counseling Psychology from the City University of Seattle. Cameron is also the Program Director for Manifest Wellness, a men's mental health clinic, where he works to destigmatize mental health support for men and increase access to counseling.
    Cameron Gibson, R.C.C.
    Registered Clinical Counsellor
    Expert Answer
    Usually you know what your boundaries are, it's just a matter of how you communicate them to the person. There are three ways to do that: by being aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive. If you're aggressive, you do it in a way that causes harm to the person. If you're passive-aggressive, you don't stand up for yourself and set the boundaries—but it eventually starts to come out in things like your tone of voice or body language. When you're assertive, you set clear boundaries in a way that doesn't harm the other person. It takes work, but you can find assertive ways to communicate.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-we-work/201302/nine-practices-help-you-say-no
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201212/overcoming-neediness
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/presence-mind/201508/4-ways-set-boundaries
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-deal-people-who-drain-you
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-deal-people-who-drain-you
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201203/how-deal-people-who-drain-you
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201402/why-be-honest
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resilience-bullying/201002/the-true-meaning-the-golden-rule-love-your-bullies
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/201201/the-virtue-compromise

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