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Learn to trust your boyfriend when he's out without you
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Is your boyfriend a party animal, while you prefer to lounge at home? Feeling like you can’t trust your boyfriend when he goes out isn’t uncommon, but it’s not a great relationship dynamic to have. That’s why we’ve compiled the best tips to help you overcome any negative feelings and communicate with your boyfriend about them. We’ll also give you advice on getting to know his friends so you feel better about who he’s going out with. To stop feeling upset when your boyfriend goes out, keep reading.
Things You Should Know
- Talk to your boyfriend about your jealousy, and let him know that you’re working on it.
- Figure out where the root of your jealousy comes from so you can work through it.
- Ask your boyfriend to communicate with you while he’s out, either by calling or texting, so you know where he is and when he’s coming home.
- Spend quality time together by planning weekly date nights so you don’t feel left out.
Steps
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Try to figure out where your jealousy comes from. Understanding the root of your jealous feelings can help neutralize them. Think about how you react to your boyfriend's plans to go out, and try to pinpoint what bothers you most about it. Events from the past and other relationships may have shaped these jealous feelings. [1] X Research source- For example, maybe an old boyfriend of yours did something untrustworthy when he went out with his friends in the past.
- Or, maybe you’re worried about missing out on a fun time when your boyfriend goes out without you.
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Ask yourself if you are worried that your boyfriend will break your trust. Insecurity about your boyfriend's activities may come from a genuine worry that he will betray you in some way. Try to figure out if your feelings are based on an unsubstantiated worry, or if you actually believe that your boyfriend isn't trustworthy. Ask yourself if any of his past actions give you reason to doubt his character. [2] X Expert Source Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.- If you don't truly believe that he will break your trust, your jealousy will likely pass.
- If you do believe that he might cheat on you or hurt you, it’s time to reexamine your relationship as a whole. Since trust is the foundation of healthy relationships, if your boyfriend has broken your trust in the past, it may take time for him to earn that back.
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Be honest with your partner about your jealous feelings. Communicating your feelings will help you overcome jealousy . Tell your boyfriend that you’re feeling jealous about him going out without you, and that you’re trying to gain some control over your emotions. Hiding your feelings may result in tension and a sense of disconnectedness in your relationship. [3] X Research source- Be sure to express this in an open and non-confrontational way.
- For instance, you can say, "I've been feeling jealous about your night out this weekend, but I’m trying to keep my emotions in check."
- If this revelation makes your boyfriend angry, ask him why he’s reacting that way and suggest that you have a serious conversation about it.
- If your boyfriend suggests that your jealousy is irrational, ask him how he might feel if he were in your shoes.
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Ask your boyfriend to communicate with you while he’s out. It can be frustrating when your partner goes out for the night and you can’t get ahold of him. Texting is a great way to stay connected and reassure yourself that your boyfriend is okay. [4] X Research source If you tend to feel nervous or anxious about your boyfriend when he goes out, ask him to text or call you just to let you know that he’s safe. This can help reassure you that he’s not doing anything wrong, which will help you overcome any jealous or negative feelings you have.- Say something like, “I totally understand that you don’t want to be on your phone when you’re with your friends. Could you just shoot me a quick text letting me know when you’re on your way home or if you’ll be late? Otherwise, I get worried.”
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Spend quality time with your partner. Sometimes, we feel jealous when our partner goes out because we want to spend more time with them. Take turns planning dates , and try to go out together at least once a week. That way, you won’t feel so slighted when your boyfriend does his own thing. [5] X Research source- Make your quality time count by putting away your phones and focusing on each other. Ask each other deep questions to get to know your partner more and build emotional intimacy.
EXPERT TIPMarriage & Family TherapistMoshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).Embrace vulnerability when spending quality time with him. Does your jealousy stem from something outside your boyfriend's actions? Let him know. Explain how past experiences might be influencing your current feelings rather than placing blame. Open communication builds trust and stronger relationships.
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Organize a night out with your own friends. Part of your discomfort about your boyfriend going out may be because you wish you were doing the same. Manage your jealous feelings about his fun outing by planning one of your own with people you love to spend time with. Getting out and spending time with good friends is a healthy way to lessen your negative emotions. [6] X Research source- Plan a group dinner at a fun restaurant and invite old friends you haven't seen in a while.
- Or, host a night in to watch a movie and do crafts.
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Take on a new project to stay busy. If your mind and body are busy, you’ll have less time to focus on your boyfriend going out. Make sure that you have something to occupy your time by starting a project that you are passionate about. Try things like: [7] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source- Redecorating your room or apartment
- Writing a script or short story
- Hosting a fundraiser
- Planning a party
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Indulge your own interests. In a relationship, you may adopt hobbies and interests that you can share with your partner and forget about those that you don't have in common. Take time for yourself to enjoy the things that are uniquely appealing to you. For instance, you can:- Listen to music that you enjoy but your boyfriend dislikes.
- Watch television shows or movies that interest you.
- Engage in physical activities that your boyfriend doesn’t want to participate in.
- Read books and magazines that only you enjoy.
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Change your scenery to help stop obsessive thoughts . Changing your environment can sometimes create a shift in your thought patterns. If you find yourself obsessing about your boyfriend going out, get moving to put a stop to it. Letting yourself worry about what your boyfriend is doing will likely make you feel worse, so try taking a walk or going to a coffee shop to clear your head. [8] X Research source- If you’re at work or school and can't stop obsessing about his outing, try getting up to go to the washroom for a quick mental break.
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Organize a get-together to break the ice. Some of your discomfort with your boyfriend going out may stem from not knowing his social group very well. To change this, suggest that you and your boyfriend hang out with a few of his closest friends. Plan a fun event or bonding activity such as a dinner party or game night at your place, or a fun outing to a restaurant or pub. [9] X Research source- Hosting a get-together may help you impress his friends and win them over. If that feels too intense for a first meeting, pick a neutral spot, like a restaurant.
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Make an effort to have conversations with your boyfriend’s friends. If you meet your boyfriend’s friends at a party or gathering, be friendly and try to talk to them. They may feel more comfortable around you after getting the opportunity to chat with you. Keeping your distance or seeming standoffish may give them the impression that you don’t like them or don’t want to spend time with them, even if that isn’t true.- Ask classic ice-breaker questions like, “So, where are you from?” or, “What do you do for work?”
- If your boyfriend has told you anything about his friends, use that to your advantage. “Hutch tells me you do competitive frisbee golf. How’s that been going?”
- Being friendly with your boyfriend’s friends may inspire them to invite you out with your boyfriend when they hang out.
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Look for the qualities in your boyfriend’s friends that he appreciates. If your boyfriend has strong relationships with his friends, there are probably many good things about them that you can appreciate too. Listen to what your boyfriend says about his friends to try to pick up on these good qualities. When you have the opportunity to spend time with him and his friends, observe their behavior for positive things that make you like them.- For instance, you may find out that one of his friends is incredibly generous, based on stories about his charity donations or seeing him purchase food for his friends.
- Showing interest when your boyfriend speaks about his friends will also show him that you care about them.
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Be honest with your boyfriend if his friends’ behavior upsets you. Resentment towards your boyfriend’s friends may cause you to feel bad when they hang out together without you. If one of your boyfriend’s friends does something that you feel is disrespectful or hurtful, tell him about it. He may be able to smooth things over by approaching the issue with his friend, or by giving you a different perspective about his friend’s actions. [10] X Research source- Say something like, “I didn’t really appreciate what Sam said to me at that party. I know he was probably joking, but it made me feel uncomfortable.”
- Your boyfriend might reassure you that his friend acts that way when he’s nervous, but that he’ll ask him to be more sensitive in the future.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionWhy do I get so upset when my boyfriend goes out?Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert and Founder of Next Evolution Matchmaking (NEM) based in New York City, NY. With over 15 years in the industry, Joshua helps his clients navigate online dating and has a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.If he is engaging in behavior that is suspicious, then you have a right to not trust them. If he is going out with his friends all the time on weeknights, or going out late on weekends without you, and he is past a certain age and it is not really the standard behavior for his demographic, again, you have a right to be a little bit jealous. But if none of those things are going on, and you can't let your friend go out with his friends once in a while, or get jealous anytime he is talking to another person, that's a reflection on your insecurities. Then you have to figure out where these insecurities are coming from, why you're feeling this way and work on fixing them, otherwise the lack of trust will destroy your relationship over time.
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QuestionWhy do I worry when my boyfriend goes out?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerThere are a lot of reasons why you might feel anxious. It’s natural to worry if your boyfriend has given you reason to be concerned, like refusing to tell you where he’s going or what he’s doing, or behaving inappropriately when you’re not with him. If your boyfriend has never done anything like that and you still worry, it might be because you had trust problems in a previous relationship. Help clarify your worries by thinking about what exactly it is you’re afraid of. Try to identify what’s triggering those specific fears so you can resolve them.
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QuestionShould I text my boyfriend when he’s out with his friends?This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.wikiHow Staff EditorStaff AnswerIt depends a lot on the kind of relationship you have with your boyfriend. In general, it’s best to save texting for when something urgent comes up, since blowing up his phone with texts will interrupt his time with his friends. However, if you and your boyfriend text each other all the time anyway, it’s probably fine. You can always ask him how he feels about it, too!
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References
- ↑ https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/06/health/polyamory-coach-jealousy-advice-partner/index.html
- ↑ Joshua Pompey. Relationship Expert. Expert Interview. 27 November 2019.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201104/five-ways-kick-the-jealousy-habit
- ↑ https://www.militaryonesource.mil/relationships/married-domestic-partner/healthy-texting-habits-in-a-relationship/
- ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/from-time-to-quality-time-making-every-moment-count
- ↑ https://swoon.theodysseyonline.com/10-things-girls-shouldnt-mad-their-boyfriends
- ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/busy_people_are_happy_people
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways-to-stop-obsessing/
- ↑ https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/news/a32027/dont-like-boyfriends-friends-relationship-coach-advice/
About This Article
Article Summary
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When your boyfriend goes out without you, work on controlling your jealousy and focusing on your own interests to make sure that you have fun too. If you’re feeling jealous, tell your boyfriend in an open, non-confrontational way so there’s no underlying tension. For example, you might say something like “I’ve been feeling jealous about your night out this weekend, but I am trying to keep my emotions in check.” Another way to manage your jealousy is to get out and spend time with good friends. You can also indulge in your own interests, like listening to music your boyfriend doesn’t like or watching your favorite TV shows. To learn how to organize a get together with your boyfriend’s friends, keep reading!
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