Expert Advice for Dealing with a Partner Who Won’t Go Public About You

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Should you be patient with them or call it quits?
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Secret relationships aren't necessarily bad—they can even be fun for a little while. But when the excitement wears off, you might find yourself staring wistfully at your friend's selfies with their partner and wishing you could do the same. We talked to licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz and psychotherapist Kelli Miller to find out the best ways to handle being in a secret relationship. We'll also get into the reasons people want to keep a relationship secret and how to tell the difference between privacy and secrecy.

Handling a Secret Relationship

If your partner is keeping your relationship a secret and that's starting to bother you, be open about your feelings. Ask your partner why they feel the need for secrecy and empathize with their concerns. Together, you can find the right path forward for both of you.

Section 1 of 7:

What to Do If You're Being Kept a Secret

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  1. What seemed to meet your needs initially might not be meeting those needs now. Or, it might be that you got caught up in the romance of it all and are only now realizing the effect it's having on your life—and that's okay! It's easy to get caught up in those initial feelings, but as time goes on, you're likely to discover that you need more than you did at first. [1]
    • It can be as simple as seeing pics a friend posts on social media and wishing you could post similar pics with your partner. Miller confirms that "if you're comparing yourself to other relationships and yours doesn't feel as good," that's a sign your relationship is unhealthy.
    • Making a list of little things like this that would make you happy can be a great way to help you better understand your needs and wants.
  2. "Healthy communication involves sharing how you feel, not bottling things up," explains Schewitz. "It involves understanding your partner's perspective, it involves validating your partner's perspective. So even if you don't agree with it, you still have to find a way to understand where they're coming from." Here are some tips for a productive and worthwhile conversation:
    • Use "I" statements : Start with "I feel this way when" to put the focus on how you feel. "It's all about those 'I' statements," Miller advises. "People turn off completely when they feel criticized."
    • Listen actively : "There's a huge difference between hearing and listening," Miller emphasizes. "Hearing is just… picking up sounds, listening is actually hearing the noises and processing them."
    • Paraphrase back what your partner says: "I'm a big proponent of something called reflective listening," Miller explains, "where the partner says something and the other partner repeats back what that person said."
  3. If your partner has fears or past experiences that are pushing them to keep your relationship a secret, a counselor can help them unpack those issues. They can also help the two of you communicate better by providing a safe environment for you to express your feelings. [2]
    • "If you're on a tight budget, maybe reading books and listening to podcasts is the way to go," suggests Schewitz. "If you have more to invest, you might want to try a retreat or a seminar, or work with a therapist or coach."
  4. If something in your relationship is making you uncomfortable, set boundaries with your partner to protect your well-being. Boundaries aren't rules or ultimatums—rather, you're telling your partner what you need in your relationship and what you will do if that need isn't met. [3]
    • For example, you might say, "I feel stressed out by this secrecy. I want to start telling our friends and family about our relationship before the end of the month."
    • Set a clear consequence if your partner violates your boundary. In the previous example, you might tell your partner that you won't continue the relationship unless the secrecy ends.
    • Make sure whatever consequence you choose is clear, specific, proportionate to the violation, and something you're willing to actually do.
Section 2 of 7:

Reasons For Being Kept a Secret

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  1. Many people just don't want everybody knowing their business, and there's nothing wrong with that. But someone who's merely reserved isn't going to lie about being in a relationship or intentionally hide the fact that they're in a relationship. It isn't fair for your partner to use privacy as an excuse to misrepresent their relationship status. [4]
    • For example, you might consider how your partner would answer if someone asked if they were seeing anyone. Someone concerned about privacy might say something like, "I don't discuss my personal life with strangers."
    • Is this okay? It is, as long as they're being honest with everyone. Remember, it's only been fairly recently in human history that social media has been around. It's not normal for every passing acquaintance to have all of this information about your personal life.
    • At the same time, if you're someone who prefers to have a relationship that's more out in the open, someone who's very reserved about their personal life might not be the best romantic partner for you.
  2. It sounds great at first—the idea of your relationship as this precious, tender thing that you want to nurture and protect so that it can grow a little stronger before you share it with the world. But if what your partner is really concerned about is criticism, they may never be ready to go public. [5]
    • Is this okay? For a few weeks it can be. It's definitely not a bad thing to want to focus on your connection to someone you love. But as the weeks wear on, the act of keeping it secret can become a bigger deal than whatever interference you were trying to avoid.
    • At the same time, it could also mean that your partner is trying to isolate you from friends and family members. It's worth taking a look at exactly what they're worried about people saying or doing when they find out about your relationship. [6]
  3. It is important to heal from a breakup before you jump into another relationship. They might also be trying to avoid judgment from people they know if they pop up in another relationship too soon after the last one ended. But beyond a certain point, it can feel like your partner is just using this as an excuse to not make a commitment to you. [7]
    • Is this okay? In the short term, a little secrecy here might be fine, as long as you're both okay with it—especially if their relationship ended fairly recently. It's not a bad thing that they want to show respect to their ex or to family or mutual friends.
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    They might also be worried about commitment. After their recent experiences, they might not be ready for a serious relationship quite yet, or they might have deeper insecurities related to relationships.

  4. Making it official can be a pretty big deal for some people and they want to make absolutely sure before they pull the trigger. This is probably a good sign because it usually means they take commitment more seriously. But it can also be really frustrating if you're ready to take the relationship to the next level and they're dragging their feet. [8]
    • Is this okay? It might be, but it's probably not a good thing for more than a month or two. That's usually long enough for someone to decide if they want to be in a serious relationship—and at that point, it probably shouldn't be a secret anymore.
  5. The idea of being "star-crossed lovers" can definitely feel romantic and exciting, especially at first. And often, the reason to keep the relationship secret applies to both of you—meaning that you would both suffer (or believe you would suffer) negative consequences if the relationship was out in the open. [9]
    • For example, you might have a relationship with a co-worker at a company that forbids romantic relationships between coworkers—in which case both of you have an interest in keeping the relationship secret.
    • Prohibitions can also be based on cultural or religious beliefs. These can sometimes be the most difficult to overcome. At the same time, fighting those prohibitions can be a very empowering and liberating experience.
    • Is this okay? It can be fine, as long as both of you are on the same page. It can become problematic if one of you starts thinking that the reason for the secrecy is more important than the relationship (for example, you start to think that they care about their job more than they care about you).
  6. Parents typically don't introduce their kids to someone they've been dating until things are getting pretty serious. Depending on how old their kids are, that might also mean keeping your relationship off of social media or even more secret to keep them from finding out about it before their parent has a chance to talk to them about it. [10]
    • Is this okay? For a few months or even up to a year this is probably okay—and it's something you're going to have to get used to if you want to date someone with kids.
    • Keep in mind that if you're dating a parent, their kids are going to come first. If you're not comfortable waiting or feel that they're taking too long, this relationship might not meet your needs.
  7. If you're out and your partner isn't, it can feel like taking a step backward. You might feel rejected when they don't show you affection in public, or feel frustrated when you have to lie about your own sexuality to cover for them. At the same time, not everyone can safely be out to everyone in their life. The most important thing is being honest with each other. [11]
    • For example, suppose your partner tells you they're going to come out soon but they keep pushing the date back. This could mean that they just keep getting cold feet—but it could also mean that they're just stringing you along and have no intention of ever coming out.
    • Is this okay? You can't control when someone comes out, but is it fair to you to have to go back in the closet just because your partner isn't ready to come out yet? Probably not. It's up to you to decide if you understand your partner's reasons and are willing to accept them.
    • If you're not comfortable living in the closet with this person, then they're probably not the best romantic partner for you at this point. That doesn't mean that the two of you can't hook up again down the road if they do come out later.
  8. This is the big, bad reason lurking in the background—if they're cheating, they can't have your relationship getting out. If your partner is deceiving someone else by being in a romantic relationship with you, it's probably time to quit while you're ahead and chalk this one up to a learning experience. [12]
    • Some people go into an affair fully aware of the circumstances. And being someone's "dirty little secret" can be a hot—for a little while, anyway. But eventually, if you start getting more attached to the person, you're going to start wanting more.
    • Cheaters will often tell affair partners that they plan to leave their existing relationship and continue the affair as a legitimate relationship—but they rarely follow through with this.
    • Is this okay? Absolutely not. Under no circumstances is this one okay, just… no. You deserve better. Your partner isn't being fair to you or to their partner in their other relationship.
Section 3 of 7:

Problems with a Secret Relationship

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  1. Research shows being in a secret relationship really tanks your self-esteem—even if you tell yourself you agree with the reasons for the secrecy. [13] You deserve to be celebrated and openly adored, not hidden in the shadows or behind closed doors.
    • You might start to believe that your partner is actually ashamed of you or doesn't think you're good enough for them, which can really damage your self-worth. [14]
    • If you start believing that you're not good enough, you might start overcompensating to try to prove your worth, which can lead to codependency.
    • What you can do: "I always say to gain more self-esteem, do esteemable acts," Miller advises. "A lot of times we focus on our partner to lift us up and validate us again, and I'm saying no, it's the opposite."
  2. When you're in a secret relationship, nervousness and fear are your constant companions. [15] You're always going to worry about someone getting too close and either finding out your secret or putting you in a position where you have to lie to them to keep them from finding out. This makes it difficult for you to make new friends or maintain the friendships you have.
    • For example, you might find yourself ignoring texts from a friend you normally love to meet for coffee because you know they'll ask about your relationship and you don't want to lie about it.
    • What you can do: Reach out to a good friend or close family member and make plans to hang out within the next week or so. If it's someone you feel comfortable talking to about your secret relationship, you might consider doing that.
  3. You might think that you're taking private time to build your relationship and focus on each other, but you're really holding yourselves back. When you're in situations where you can't express your true emotions for each other, you're deliberately being false with each other. This can actually make it harder for you to trust each other later on, even if you take the relationship public. [16]
    • As long as your relationship is secret, it's likely you'll only be able to take it so far. It's really hard to get to the point where someone is a top priority in your life if you have to keep your relationship with them secret. [17]
    • What you can do: Ask your partner to spend more quality time with you. Let them know that you'd like to talk more and spend time sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other.
  4. When you're in a secret relationship, you only ever really see your partner when they're with you—you never get to see what they're like when they're with other people. That's key information that can tell you a lot about who someone is and what kind of person they are. [18]
    • You're also missing out on a lot of shared experiences and different ways to connect with each other or be intimate with each other.
    • What you can do: Let your partner know that you want to meet the other people in their life. For example, you might say, "Could I come with you next time you go out to dinner with your folks? I'd really like to meet your family."
  5. Even if you agree with the reasons for keeping the relationship secret and you're okay with them, keeping that secret can take a tremendous toll on both of you and on the relationship as a whole. It can be exhausting just keeping up with what stories you've told to what people. [19]
    • All of this is also stressful because you're living in a constant state of worry about being found out. That stress can seriously impact your physical and mental health. [20]
    • Research going all the way back to 1994 has found that the act of keeping a secret requires you to carry a significant cognitive load at all times because you're constantly thinking of the secret and how to avoid revealing it, as well as trying to remember everything you've said to avoid revealing the secret. [21]
    • What you can do: Make sure you're taking time for yourself. Go for a walk every day to recharge, join a club related to an interest, or meditate —whatever fulfills you.
  6. Keeping your relationship secret is starting to get old and cause you stress, but your partner seems unphased by it. As time goes on, you start to begrudge the fact that your partner is happy and you're so stressed. You might even come to believe that your partner is getting more out of the relationship than you are, or that they're using you. [22]
    • The bottom line? Secret relationships not only make you feel bad about yourself, they also make you feel bad about your relationship. [23]
    • What you can do: Ultimately, you have to talk to your partner about how you feel. "If you're not communicating, you're not really digging deep into your relationship," Miller explains. "You're not talking, you're not connecting. To me that's a sign of an unhealthy relationship."
Section 4 of 7:

What's the difference between privacy and secrecy?

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  1. Privacy is consensual but secrecy is nonconsensual. Essentially, a secret is something you keep because you want to avoid the consequences of someone finding out about it. Privacy, on the other hand, is about protecting your personal boundaries. To make things even more confusing, legitimate privacy interests can turn into secrets. [24]
    • For example, someone might have a legitimate privacy interest in not introducing their children to everyone they date. But if they're lying to their children about the fact that they're dating, that would be nonconsensual secrecy.
    • Someone who's being private might not have any information about their relationship status on social media, while someone who's being secretive would say they were single even though they were dating someone.
Section 5 of 7:

What's "pocketing" in a relationship?

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  1. Pocketing" refers to someone keeping a relationship secret. You might also hear "stashing," which means basically the same thing. People typically use these slang terms to refer to someone who is keeping a relationship secret for bad reasons, though—so saying you're being pocketed or that you're pocketing someone definitely has negative connotations. [25]
    • If someone is pocketing you, it basically means that they're keeping you on the back burner but not making a full commitment to you or claiming you officially as their significant other.
    • The implication is that the person is using the person they're pocketing—typically for sex, but sometimes for emotional support, companionship, or other reasons.
Section 6 of 7:

Taking Your Relationship Public

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  1. Regardless of your reasons for doing so, it can be tough to come clean with friends and family about something you've been hiding from them. [26] Depending on the circumstances, it's usually best for the two of you to sit down and talk to them together.
    • Answer any questions they have as openly and honestly as possible. Show them that although you kept the relationship a secret before, you have no secrets anymore.
  2. 2
    Prepare for any fallout that might result from going public. Talk to your partner about your expectations and what you can do to minimize whatever repercussions you might face. This might affect who you tell first or how you tell certain people the news.
    • While some people will totally understand why you did what you did, others absolutely won't—it might surprise you who might get upset or offended to find out about your secret relationship, but try not to take it personally. [27]
    • You might also have concrete steps that one or both of you need to take before you can make things official. For example, if you work together, one of you might need to find a new employer.
  3. Simply posting a pic of the two of you together can qualify as a "soft announcement" that the two of you are together. Even if you don't comment, you're still putting the idea of the two of you together in people's minds. From there, you might change your relationship status or make some other formal announcement.
    • Keep in mind that when you change your relationship status on social media, you typically don't have to make a post about the change that will show up on people's feeds. That allows you to share the information without making a big deal out of it, if that's what you prefer.
  4. 4
    Start with appearances at low-pressure social events. A concert or sporting event is a great way to make your first public appearance with no worries that you'll upstage anyone else. It also gives your friends a chance to get used to the idea of the two of you as a couple in a casual environment.
    • For example, if one of you had to find a new employer so that the two of you could date publicly, you probably don't want to make your first appearance at a work event.
    • It's also usually best to avoid making your first appearance as a couple at someone's personal event, such as a birthday party or wedding.
    • This is more important if you've been seeing each other secretly for a long time or if your relationship would make some sort of big splash in your social circle.
Section 7 of 7:

Final Thoughts

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  1. Secret relationships are only beneficial in the short term. And even then, they only ultimately work if both of you are completely on board. As soon as one of you starts questioning the "real" reason for the secrecy, your relationship could be headed off the rails. Constant open communication is key to keeping things on track. [28]
    • Keeping a relationship secret can have a profound effect on your mental and physical health. Relationships are supposed to enrich your life and make it easier, not burden it and make it harder.
    • If you're ready to have an open, public relationship and your partner is not, your relationship might not be capable of fulfilling your needs anymore—and that's okay. It might be tough for a little while, but not all relationships are meant to last forever.
    • If you and your partner decide to make things public and official, take it slow. Clue in your closest friends and family members first so they don't feel slighted.

References

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/social-connection/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships
  4. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/keeping-a-new-relationship-secret/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  6. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/keeping-a-new-relationship-secret/
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/staying-sane-inside-insanity/202008/your-partner-isnt-sure-they-want-a-relationship-with-you
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/staying-sane-inside-insanity/202008/your-partner-isnt-sure-they-want-a-relationship-with-you
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you
  1. ↑ https://extension.okstate.edu/fact-sheets/co-parenting-dating-when-you-have-children.html
  2. ↑ https://outsfl.com/queerly-beloved/being-with-a-closeted-partner-advice
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  4. ↑ https://docs.lib.purdue.edu/dissertations/AAI3344081/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you
  6. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19713569/
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  8. ↑ https://newsmediarelations.colostate.edu/2009/11/05/keeping-that-relationship-secret-its-likely-detrimental-to-your-health-self-esteem-colorado-state-university-studies-reveal/
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  11. ↑ https://newsmediarelations.colostate.edu/2009/11/05/keeping-that-relationship-secret-its-likely-detrimental-to-your-health-self-esteem-colorado-state-university-studies-reveal/
  12. ↑ https://dtg.sites.fas.harvard.edu/DANWEGNER/pub/Wegner,Lane,&Dimitri1994.pdf
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  15. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/explorations-in-positive-psychology/202401/secrecy-and-privacy
  16. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202405/3-reasons-why-your-partner-may-be-pocketing-you
  17. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/tell-tribe-truth-relationship/
  18. ↑ https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/tell-tribe-truth-relationship/
  19. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships

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      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      It can be hard if your partner wants to keep your relationship a secret, but it can make it easier if you find out why. Talk to your partner about your concerns so that you can understand their reasons. Avoid jumping to conclusions about why your partner wants to keep the relationship a secret, as this will only cause you unnecessary worry. Your partner may want to keep things quiet because they have recently ended a relationship or they may not want to define the relationship too soon. Decide if you want to continue keeping the relationship a secret next. Remember that you have an equal say and that you don’t need to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else if they don’t acknowledge your feelings. For more advice on dealing with a partner keeping your relationship secret, like how to disclose your relationship when the time is right, read on.

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