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Witty, laugh-out-loud jokes and one-liners to add to your arsenal
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Do you have a talent for cracking your friends up with a perfectly straight face? Some dry jokes are quick one-liners, while others tell a brief story—but at the end of the day, dry humor is all about the delivery. [1] X Research source Many people love it because it combines witty jokes and a deadpan tone for hilarious results. If you’re looking for a few new jokes to have on hand, you’ve come to the right place. Here are some of the best dry (and corny) jokes to entertain your friends and family!
Steps
=== Dry Jokes === [2] X Research source
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What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator.
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2Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.Advertisement
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3What is the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
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4Why should you never eat a clock? It’s too time-consuming.
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Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
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7Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles.
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8Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
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Can you tell me what’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
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11What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two.
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12I have the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
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14Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
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People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
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16I asked what I should bring to the party.
- The hosts said, “Nothing, just bring a happy face.”
- I had to cancel.
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17You know you’re a true 90s kid… When you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
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18Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punchline.
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19My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says, "WOW!"
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I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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21"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.
- "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"
- "I'm a butcher," he says.
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22A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, "Doctor, I was bitten by my dog."
- The doctor checks, "Did you put anything on it?"
- "No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments."
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23A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face? "The horse says, "Evolution."
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5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
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26At a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. "Nothing special," he explained. "We just tell them they’re going to die."
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27A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, "I know. I amputated your arms."
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28A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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29You know why they called it "the dark ages?" There were too many knights.
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I was drinking a martini, and the waitress screamed
- "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed.
- Well, except one person.
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31Me: I’d like to travel. My bank account: To work?
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32I asked the Gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"
- I said, "I can’t make Tuesdays."
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33RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
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34Knock knock!
- Who’s there?
- Interrupting cow.
- Interrupting c–
- MOO!
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What’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?Just stand in the middle of a busy road! [8] X Research source
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36Teacher says to the children, "Every minute I stand here talking to you, 12 people die." Little Johnny raises his hand. "Perhaps you could try some mouthwash?"
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37Three fish are in a tank. One asked the others, "How the heck do you drive this thing?"
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38Cashier: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" Me: "No, just leave it in the carton!"
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39Two cannibals are eating a clown. One asks the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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41What does an organ donor do when he dies? He mingles in the crowd.
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42What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
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43What is written on a dentist’s grave? He’s filling his last cavity.
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44What is red and extremely bad for your teeth? A flying brick.
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Where was the Constitution signed? At the bottom.
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46How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing? Snip the rope.
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47What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken.
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48Scientific fact! If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
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49Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost.
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
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51What’s white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche.
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52You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
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53Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. ...Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
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54My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
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56Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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57I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
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58The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
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59Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
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I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
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61Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
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62Have you heard about the butter rumor? Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
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63What did one Frenchman say to the other Frenchman? How on Earth would I know? I don’t speak French.
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64What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they tried lifting the other one, they’d fall over.
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66Why did Mozart hate chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
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67What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
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68Why are elevator jokes so classic? They work on many levels.
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69What is Forrest Gump’s password? 1forest1
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What is brown and sticky? A stick.
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71An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
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72There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.
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73A flat earther’s only fear…is sphere itself.
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74I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof.
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76Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans.
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77I'm going to try on my new reversible jacket after work today. I can't wait to see how it turns out.
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78I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
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79I sold my vacuum the other day. All it was doing was collecting dust.
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I can't stand kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.
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81My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
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82What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam.
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83How do I eat consciously? You try not to lose consciousness when eating.
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84What does a baby computer call its father? Data.
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What do you do if your eyes are dry? Moisturize.
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86What has two wings but can't fly, two legs but can't walk, and two eyes but can't see? A dead bird.
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87Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
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88What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
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89Why are there fences around cemeteries? Everyone’s always dying to get in.
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Did you know the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!
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91If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?
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92What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
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93Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed some space.
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94I threw away my can opener. It was really more of a can’t opener.
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Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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96Did you hear about the beautiful wedding? Even the cake was in tiers.
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97A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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98My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
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99Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one.
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100I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.
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What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
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References
- ↑ https://www.rd.com/list/bad-jokes-cant-help-laugh-at/
- ↑ https://www.boredpanda.com/dry-humor-jokes/
- ↑ https://www.rd.com/list/bad-jokes-cant-help-laugh-at/
- ↑ https://www.rd.com/list/bad-jokes-cant-help-laugh-at/
- ↑ https://www.rd.com/list/bad-jokes-cant-help-laugh-at/
- ↑ https://www.boredpanda.com/dry-humor-jokes/
- ↑ https://www.boredpanda.com/dry-humor-jokes/
- ↑ https://www.boredpanda.com/dry-humor-jokes/
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