How to Evaluate if Your Friendships Are Healthy

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Friendships are an important part of a healthy, fulfilling life. Knowing whether or not your friendships are healthy is a key part of maintaining positivity and connection in your life. Honesty, equal investment, balance, and trustworthiness are all important components of a healthy friendship. If you realize you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to your friend and then decide whether you want to mend or end the friendship.

Things You Should Know

  • If you find yourself wondering whether a friendship is healthy, ask yourself whether you both put the same amount of energy into the relationship and how that person makes you feel when they're around them.
  • In a healthy relationship, you should both take turns talking and listening, and you should each feel free to have your own interests outside the friendship.
  • If you feel like your friend spends a lot of time criticizing you, they're not supportive of you, or they're frequently dishonest, it's probably not a healthy relationship.
Method 1
Method 1 of 4:

Looking for Balance in Your Friendship

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  1. A healthy friendship is balanced, with both people equally invested in the relationship. For example, both friends should take time to call each other or make invitations to hang out. [1]
    • For example, if you are doing all the calling and inviting, it could be a sign that the friendship is unhealthy.
  2. A healthy friendship is filled with conversations where both friends share their joys, frustrations, and stories. If you have a friend who calls to only talk about her problems, and rarely asks you questions about your life, you might be involved in an unhealthy friendship. [2]
    • The next time you have a conversation with your friend, pay attention to whether the conversation seems balanced.
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  3. A balanced, healthy friendship means both people have individual hobbies, lifestyles, and favorite things that don’t necessarily reflect those of the other person. It’s important to maintain individuality in a healthy friendship, rather than adopting the other person’s views and interests. [3]
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Method 2
Method 2 of 4:

Evaluating How You Feel about Your Friendship

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  1. Hanging out with friends should bring positivity to your day, elevate your mood, and make you feel good about yourself. If hanging out with a friend makes you feel negative, agitated, or bad about yourself, you should pay attention to this red flag. It could signify that this friendship is unhealthy. [4]
    • Try making a list of your feelings after hanging out with your friend. In a healthy friendship this list will include positive feelings.
    • Consider how often you and your friend complain when you are together. If your friendship is based on mutual complaining about problems, then it may not be a healthy relationship.
    • Ask yourself—after you've seen this person, do you feel loved and supported, or judged and criticized? Do you feel seen and heard, or do they dominate the conversation and activities? [5]
  2. In a healthy friendship, both people support each other. While it’s normal to provide feedback and criticism to a friend, this should not be a hallmark of the relationship. Unhealthy friendships sometimes include constant criticism that is rooted in jealousy and cruelty.
    • For example, if your friend is continually pointing out your mistakes, you might be in an unhealthy friendship.
    • Consider whether you have been making excuses for being mistreated and criticized. If so, then this is a big red flag of being co-dependent.
    • Also, consider if your friendship is keeping you from growing personally or if you are maintaining the friendship due to personal fears. If so, then this is another sign of an unhealthy relationship.
    • Reader Poll: We asked 814 wikiHow readers what’s the strongest indicator someone doesn’t want to be your friend, and only 9% of them agreed that they tease you a lot. [Take Poll] Remember, teasing is different from insulting or criticizing. If your friend’s words or actions hurt, make sure to tell them how you feel to see if they adjust their behavior.
  3. Take some time and think about whether you feel obligated to be friends with a particular person. Healthy friendships are based on mutual respect and interest in developing and maintaining a connection with another person. [6]
    • If you feel like you have to be friends with someone, rather than wanting to be friends, you could be involved in an unhealthy relationship
  4. 4
    Talk with someone you trust. Discussing your concerns with an objective third party, such as another trusted friend or a family member may help you to evaluate your relationship. It can be hard to evaluate your relationship once you have been in it for a long time, but someone outside of your relationship may be able to provide objective feedback. They can alert you to things that you may not have been aware of, especially if these things have become normal for you.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 4:

Prioritizing Healthy Friendships

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  1. Being honest with one another is an important part of a healthy friendship. Dishonesty is a sign your friendship might be unhealthy. A healthy friendship is one where both people are genuine, honest, and comfortable being their true selves in the relationship. [7]
    • For example, a good friend should not lie, make excuses, or hide the truth from you.
  2. Trustworthy friends are an important part of a healthy, fulfilling life. Everyone needs a friend with whom they share intimate details of their life. You should be able to trust a friend in whom you confide. [8]
    • For example, a good friend should not divulge your secrets or betray your trust.
  3. In a healthy friendship, both people are equally invested in supporting the other. You should both take time to support one another, whether that means being an active listener during your conversations or helping one another through tough times. [9]
    • Make time in your life for friends who value mutual support.
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Method 4
Method 4 of 4:

Dealing with an Unhealthy Friendship

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  1. The first step in dealing with an unhealthy friendship is being honest with yourself and with your friend. Try writing down what is bothering you about the friendship. [10]
    • Make a list of all the healthy and unhealthy aspects of your relationship, placing a star next to things you’d like to change.
    • After you make your list, write out possible solutions to the issues you identified.
  2. Ask your friend to sit down and talk about your friendship. Be honest with your friend about what is bothering you, and why you think the friendship might be unhealthy.
    • Try saying, “Kendra, I really value our friendship, but I feel like our relationship is unbalanced. I’d really like it if you asked me more questions about what’s going on in my life.”
  3. After talking with your friend about the relationship, you will have a better idea of whether you want to mend or end your friendship. Some unhealthy friendships are not worth your time and energy, while others are worth saving. [11]
    • Only you can decide whether or not you want to continue being in a particular friendship.
  4. If you decide you want to work on the friendship, both friends will need to spend time and energy making changes. Sit down together and make a list of ways you can both work on making your friendship healthier. Then make an honest effort to do your part.
    • If you or your friend do not make the agreed upon changes, you might want to consider ending the friendship.
  5. Deciding to end a friendship can be a difficult decision, even if the relationship is unhealthy. If you decide to end an unhealthy friendship, consider telling your friend why you are ending the relationship instead of ghosting them. [12]
    • Sometimes a simple email will suffice, while other times a conversation on the phone or in person is necessary.
    • Giving your former friend and yourself closure is the respectful way to end an unhealthy friendship.
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    How do you know if your friendship is unhealthy?
    Tracy Carver, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Dr. Tracy Carver is an award-winning Licensed Psychologist based in Austin, Texas. Dr. Carver specializes in counseling for issues related to self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and psychedelic integration. She holds a BS in Psychology from Virginia Commonwealth University, an MA in Educational Psychology, and a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from The University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Carver also completed an internship in Clinical Psychology through Harvard University Medical School. She was voted one of the Best Mental Health Professionals in Austin for four years in a row by Austin Fit Magazine. Dr. Carver has been featured in Austin Monthly, Austin Woman Magazine, Life in Travis Heights, and KVUE (the Austin affiliate for ABC News).
    Tracy Carver, PhD
    Licensed Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    How do you feel when you're with this person? Do you feel judged and criticized, or loved and supported? Do you feel seen heard by them, or do you feel like they just like to dominate the conversation and it's like you're not even there? You need to feel like there's some equality in the relationship and you're giving as much as you're receiving.
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      References

      1. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/12/identifying-toxic-friendships/
      2. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-care-and-maintenance-of-friendship/
      3. ↑ http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/define/
      4. ↑ http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/12/identifying-toxic-friendships/
      5. ↑ Tracy Carver, PhD. Licensed Psychologist. Expert Interview. 7 January 2021.
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/maybe-its-just-me/201008/what-do-we-owe-our-partners-obligation-in-relationships
      7. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-gorman/toxic-friendships-5-signs_b_597041.html
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201006/7-signs-youre-in-toxic-friendship
      9. ↑ https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship/
      1. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/women/features/toxic-friends-less-friend-more-foe#1
      2. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/five-questions-to-ask-before-ending-a-friendship_b_3444716.html
      3. ↑ http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-End-a-Friendship-Cutting-off-a-Friend

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