How to Feel Loved

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Learn what real love means & where to find it
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Feeling unloved? It can be a raw, hollow feeling to think that nobody loves you in life. However, you may not know how much you are actually loved because of miscommunication or misunderstanding. A lot of the time, we feel unloved because we've shut ourselves away from the ability to feel loved. You can open yourself up to those feelings again and encourage the people you love to open up their hearts; just get started with Step 1 below!

3 Easiest Ways to Feel Loved

  • Love yourself by building your self-esteem and supporting your mental health.
  • Evaluate your definition of love to understand what it truly means and looks like in real life.
  • Find love by opening up to others, volunteering, and finding people with similar interests.
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Loving Yourself

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  1. Build your self esteem . A lot of the time, people can love us with all their hearts and we will still feel unloved. Usually, this is because we have a hard time believing that someone else could love us because we can't love ourselves. If you feel unloved by others, the best place to start is to learn to love yourself first. Build your opinion of yourself by celebrating your positives and embracing your negatives. Stop holding yourself to an ideal of perfection and realize that you are fine just the way you are. [1]
  2. Build your self confidence . Self confidence is an extremely attractive quality in a person. When people see that you think you can take on the world and win, they begin to believe it too (and they love it!). Build your self confidence by taking on challenges in your life, speaking up for yourself, and doing things that make you proud of who you are. [2]
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  3. Sometimes, our brains get sick. They don't work quite right and they need a little help feeling better again. If you think that maybe your problems are too big for you to handle, please get help. [3] Like taking medicine for a cold, it's important to take care of your body by getting the professional help of a doctor. [4] We here at wikiHow love each and every one of you and we want you to be happy. You do what you have to do to make that happen!
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Part 2
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Evaluating Love

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  1. Understand what love looks like . Make sure you know what love really looks like. Sometimes, really horrible people in our lives will convince us that love looks different than it actually does. Don't let them get you confused: love should never hurt, love shouldn't feel one-sided, and love shouldn't feel conditional. [5]
  2. Look at how the person or people that you love act. Do they say mean things to you? Do they physically hurt you? Do they blow you off when you really need them? Do they ignore you when you tell them how you feel? These are bad signs. If, however, they maybe don't say it but they do show it by being there for you, trying to avid hurting you, and never giving you reason to think they think less of you, they probably love you but are just bad at showing it. [6]
    • Reader Poll: We asked 443 wikiHow readers what makes them feel unloved, and 53% of them agreed that they never feel like they’re good enough for their partner. [Take Poll] Your partner should never make you feel like you’re unworthy of their love. Look for someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are.
  3. Are you carrying all the weight in a friendship or relationship? Do you do way more for them than they do for you? Do you shower them in kindness and you're just met with empty thank yous and no reciprocation? These are bad signs. If, however, you feel like you get out as much as you put in, things are probably okay.
  4. If someone hurts you (physically or emotionally), or even if they're just more work than they're worth, don't keep them in your life. You don't need that. Leave them behind and get back out there. Find the friends and relationships that are fulfilling for you because you deserve it! [7]
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Finding Love

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  1. This is hard, but this is the best way to stop the feeling of being unloved. Tell the people in your life that you love how you feel. Tell them that you're having problems. And when they say that they love you, take them at their word. Give them the opportunity to show it. Stop shutting them down or second-guessing their feelings. They probably do really love you.
    EXPERT TIP

    Lauren Urban, LCSW

    Licensed Psychotherapist
    Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.
    Lauren Urban, LCSW
    Licensed Psychotherapist

    Expressing emotions can feel risky. We may hold back to avoid getting hurt, but understand that real connections require vulnerability. Whenever possible, choose to share your feelings instead of hiding behind fear.

  2. You might not feel loved if you have a very specific idea of what love looks like or where it comes from. Take a look at how you define love and think about maybe redefining it. Love doesn't have to come from a romantic relationship, and it doesn't have to include expensive gifts, cards on birthdays, or meeting some list of required qualities. [8]
  3. A great way to help yourself feel loved is to give back to your community. Volunteering in your local area, anywhere from hospices to soup kitchens, can help you and your community a lot. People will appreciate all you do to help them and you'll find the love you're looking for while making an incredibly positive impact. [9]
    • There are also organizations like Big Brothers, Big Sisters, if you want to help a child who also needs to feel loved.
  4. A dog or cat is a great way to feel loved. Our pets love us and rely on us a lot. You can have a wonderful impact on an animal by taking in a rescue animal or even volunteering at a foster home. Especially if your area is low on no-kill shelters, this can be a really wonderful thing to do. [10]
  5. Finding a community of people that are just like you can be a wonderful way to feel loved. The internet has made that much easier than it used to be. Fan communities are an easy way to start making friends online. You can also make some new friends in real life too. Try taking a class in a subject that interests you from your local community center.
  6. Another option to help yourself feel loved is to join or get more involved in a church or other local religious group. Find one that shares your values and start attending regularly. You can even join a study group to help develop even closer relationships with your fellow parishioners.
  7. If you really think a romantic relationship is what's best for you, you can try dating someone new if you're ready (emotionally) to be with another person. Just remember: you should never enter a relationship expecting that the other person will make all of your problems go away or think that you can't be happy unless you're in a relationship. These are not healthy ideas. If, however, you're ready for the hurdles of being with someone else, you can get a boyfriend or get a girlfriend .
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Community Q&A

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  • Question
    I started cutting myself, and I want to know how to stop and appreciate myself instead of destroying myself.
    Community Answer
    It would be a good idea to talk to someone about this, first of all. I know it's not easy, and it might even feel embarrassing, but this might be too much for you to handle on your own. Talking it over with a counselor, therapist, etc. can really help. You can also make a list of your best qualities and read it/add to it every day. This will help you focus on the positive instead of the negative. Remember that you have value, you're incredibly important to your friends and family, and that you deserve to be happy.
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  • Question
    Does he love me when he sometimes doesn't reply to me?
    Community Answer
    Maybe, maybe not. There's no way to determine that with such a small amount of information. How does he treat you in general? Does he tell you he loves you and act like he really cares about you? Try talking to him about the way you're feeling. Tell him it bothers you when he doesn't reply to your messages. If he does love you, he'll be willing to put in the effort to show you that.
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  • Question
    My girlfriend and I were meant to go on a date, but she stayed home and gamed instead. I don't feel loved...does she love me?
    Community Answer
    Assuming it was just a one time thing, it probably doesn't mean anything. Maybe she just didn't feel like going out. However, if this happens repeatedly, it would be a good idea to let her know that this upsets you and you're feeling unappreciated and insecure about the relationship.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      Tips

      • Remember the birthdays of all the people you care deeply about, and send them a gift or at least an e-card on their birthdays.
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      • Always express appreciation when someone has done something nice for you.
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      • When you complain about something related to a loved one, make sure the person knows you are not blaming him/her.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201201/where-is-love-how-do-you-find-love
      2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201811/50-quick-tips-boosting-your-confidence
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201506/6-signs-you-might-want-call-therapist
      4. ↑ Erin Conlon, PCC, JD. Executive Life Coach. Expert Interview. 31 August 2021.
      5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201708/how-recognize-toxic-individuals-and-toxic-relationships
      6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201708/how-recognize-toxic-individuals-and-toxic-relationships
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-time-cure/201504/5-steps-end-toxic-relationship
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truisms-wellness/201702/all-about-love
      9. ↑ https://blog.movingworlds.org/volunteering-makes-you-happier/
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lets-reconnect/201812/3-ways-your-pet-can-heal-your-mind-and-body

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      If you want to feel loved, build your self confidence by taking on challenges and speaking up for yourself, which will help you love yourself. When you feel like no one else loves you, try volunteering in your local area, which your community will be grateful for. You can also find new friends by taking a class or a club in your area, which should help you feel loved by the people around you. If you still feel lonely when you’re at home, think about getting a pet to keep you company. You can also go on dates, which may lead to love if you find the right person. For more tips, including how to identify healthy love, read on!

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