How to Tell If Your Husband Is Having an Affair (& What to Do If He Is)

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Catch a cheating spouse even if you don’t have proof
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Cheating can be traumatic and difficult to deal with, especially in a marriage. How someone acts when they’re having an affair can vary from person to person and relationship to relationship, so there are no guaranteed signs that your husband is cheating on you. However, any sudden or odd behavioral changes may be a warning sign that something’s up. We’ll give you all the most common signs of infidelity, plus what to do if your hunch turns out to be right.

Signs Your Husband Is Cheating

  1. It’s more difficult to connect with him emotionally.
  2. He spends more time away from home.
  3. He has mood swings or acts more irritable or disconnected.
  4. He pays more attention to his appearance than normal.
  5. He smells different than he usually does.
  6. You have significantly more, less, or different sex.
  7. He accuses you of cheating on him.
Section 1 of 2:

Signs Your Husband Is Having an Affair

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  1. Maybe he’s less emotionally vulnerable, he doesn’t tell you his secrets or desires, or maybe he just stops talking about his day. Whatever the case may be, if you can’t get your husband to connect with you emotionally, it might be a sign he’s cheating. [1] Here are other signs he may be unfaithful: [2]
    • He seems to create fights to distance himself from you. [3]
    • You have a hard time connecting to him emotionally while you’re arguing. [4]
    • He doesn’t say “I love you” anymore.
    • He doesn’t have deep conversations with you.
    • He talks about your relationship ending.
    • You feel like he doesn’t really listen to you when you’re talking.
    • He stonewalls, or shuts down and stops responding to you. [5]
    • He stops confiding in you or seeking your advice.
  2. When your partner gets a new job or picks up a new hobby, spending more weekends away from you might be normal. However, if he suddenly increases the time he spends out of the house or goes away for long periods of time when he hasn’t done so before, it might be a sign he’s cheating. [6] Here are other signs to watch out for:
    • He keeps a change of clothes in his car or at work.
    • He encourages you to go out alone more so you’re not at home.
    • He picks up a new hobby he hasn’t been interested in before.
    • He’s elusive about what he does when he’s not at home.
    • He’s frequently working longer hours at work.
    • He keeps tabs on your schedule more than he used to. [7]
    • There’s an unexplainable amount of miles on his car or the seats are in odd positions.
    • He constantly misses or is late for any appointments or dates you have together.
    • He brushes you off when you show interest in his new hobby.
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  3. Infidelity can make your partner feel irritable, overwhelmed, or disconnected from you. Because of the guilt and the lying, he may have increased mood swings or find it challenging to manage his stress. [8] These signs can signal infidelity or other issues, like certain medical conditions, depression, or bipolar disorder. [9]
    • He has lower self-esteem or lacks self-confidence. [10]
    • He dodges your eye contact.
    • He stops noticing or complimenting you. [11]
    • He stops showing affection towards you, especially in front of other people.
    • He’s more negative than normal or more hyper critical of you. [12]
    • He gets defensive when you talk about affairs.
    • He seeks more danger or thrills now when he hasn’t before.
    • He comes home upset and blames it on something that hasn’t made him upset before.
  4. If your spouse starts exercising and eating healthier out of nowhere, or if he’s never been obsessive about his appearance but now wears fashionable clothes and regularly checks himself out in the mirror, it might be a sign he’s trying to appear more attractive for someone else. Other signs include: [13]
    • Showing sudden interest in losing weight
    • Buying new clothes or wearing clothes you haven’t seen before
    • Dressing nicer than usual
    • Wearing a different (or more youthful) style of clothing
  5. If your man smells different after he comes home than he did before he left, it might be a sign that he’s been with someone else. He might smell like someone else’s cologne or perfume, or he might have used a different shampoo or soap than he usually does. You might also notice these scent-related signs: [14]
    • His clothing smells like someone else.
    • He uses a new cologne, body wash, or soap you’ve never seen before.
    • He takes a shower as soon as he comes home.
  6. Marriage is all about building trust. [15] If you constantly catch your husband in lies, it might be because he’s hiding something bigger. Likewise, if he flips the script and tries to gaslight you into thinking you’re forgetful or delusional to cover up his lies, he might be cheating. [16] Watch for these signs of gaslighting: [17]
    • Your husband makes you feel forgetful when you haven’t forgotten anything.
    • You feel like you’re always questioning your sanity.
    • You’re afraid to confront him about his behavior.
    • Your partner gets nervous when you ask him where he was or who he was with.
    • His friends seem anxious or nervous around you.
    • Your feelings are constantly invalidated by your husband.
    • Your gut is telling you one thing is true, and your partner is telling you the opposite.
  7. When someone feels guilty about something they’ve done, they sometimes project those feelings onto their partner and accuse them of doing the same thing. If he constantly accuses you for things you don’t do, it can also be a sign of emotional abuse. [18] Keep an eye out for the following signs of cheating: [19]
    • You’re irrationally accused by your husband of cheating.
    • When you talk about his behavior, he questions you or turns the conversation into an argument.
    • He’s suspicious of your behavior and says you’re the one acting strange.
  8. Both decreased and increased sex drive can be a sign of infidelity. Your partner might initiate sex less if he’s focused on someone else, or might show more interest in sex if he’s trying to cover up his affair. These changes might also be a sign that he’s seeing someone else: [20]
    • There’s less emotional intimacy or connection in the bedroom.
    • He’s introducing new techniques or activities that were never there before.
    • You have almost no sex life together.
    • You have a sexually transmitted infection and you have not slept with anyone new. [21]
  9. Cheating costs money, and any gifts, dinners, or hotel rooms can add up quickly. If you’re noticing unexplained credit card charges or there’s suddenly less money in your accounts, then it could be a sign of infidelity. [22] Look for these other signs of cheating:
    • You see large cash withdrawals in your shared bank account statements.
    • You find evidence of purchases from places you don’t shop from.
    • Your husband’s explanations for mysterious purchases don’t add up. [23]
    • Money becomes a larger issue in your relationship. [24]
    • He starts getting more debt, using credit cards, or hiding his financial information.
    • He stops planning large purchases that benefit both of you, like buying a house or booking trips.
  10. Losing interest in the activities that once made you happy can be a sign of overworking or depression. However, it can also indicate relationship dissatisfaction. [25] If your partner constantly turns down dates with you or doesn’t put effort into your life together, it might be a sign he’s cheating on you. [26] Here are other signs:
    • He doesn’t help out around the house anymore.
    • He seems bored of your life together.
    • He’s never jealous of you hanging out with other people.
    • He’s indifferent about family events like holidays or birthdays.
  11. Licensed professional counselor Tara Vossenkemper says one of the telltale signs of cheating is if “all of a sudden, they take their phone with them all the time. They hide it. They change the password.” This might be because what’s on their phone may reveal their infidelity, like text messages or phone calls. These other changes might also be a sign of cheating: [27]
    • He panics when he can’t find his phone.
    • He’s unreachable at certain times of the day when he was reachable before.
    • He stays up late on the computer after you go to bed.
    • He hides his phone or computer from you or refuses to let you use them.
    • He’s always texting or stepping out to make phone calls.
    • He stops using any devices you share and turns off cloud sharing.
    • He takes his phone everywhere with him, including in the bathroom when he showers.
    • He regularly clears his browser history or deletes text messages.
    • His mood changes after he reads a text or answers a phone call.
  12. If you even suspect that your partner might be cheating, psychotherapist Kelli Miller says to listen to that feeling. “I'm a huge fan on intuition and trusting your gut,” She says. “So typically, if there is a question, that says… that something is missing, some sort of trust is missing.” If your husband’s behavior suddenly strikes you as suspicious, it might be time to have a talk with him. [28]
    • Matchmaker and dating coach Michelle Jacoby says “Usually our bodies know when things aren't right and sometimes, we listen to our brains more than we listen to our gut instinct and sometimes the gut is very revealing.”
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Section 2 of 2:

What to Do If You Suspect Your Husband Is Cheating

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  1. Although it can be tempting to look through your husband’s phone or follow him around, licensed social worker Raffi Bilek says that’s probably not the best way to confront him. “The antidote to secrecy and lying is transparency and honesty,” He says. “Trying to catch someone [in the act]… does not usually end well for relationships.”
    • Trust is sacred. If you snoop through his things without his permission, it may be harder to repair that trust if you decide to stay together. [29]
    • If you do discover evidence of infidelity, try to avoid making any rash decisions or taking revenge. Take a deep breath and consider the potential consequences before doing anything irreversible. [30]
    Spot subtle red flags early. "My husband fit so many signs here, from increased grooming to mood shifts after "work calls." Identifying clues like that let me address issues openly before his emotional affair went further. We're now rebuilding trust in counseling." - Alese H.
    Uncover digital deception. "I had suspicions when my spouse began guarding his devices. Tips on checking his search history showed flirty messages he denied sending. Though painful, concrete proof was what I needed to confront him honestly and start the healing process." - Sandra K.
    Validate inner doubt with facts. "When my husband called me "crazy" for questioning his fidelity, I started to doubt myself, even though deep down, I knew something was wrong. Learning tangible signs here, like less eye contact, validated what I felt internally, giving me the courage to face the truth." - Nancy B.
    Care for the family despite hardship. "As a teen who found texts confirming my dad's affair, I struggled with protecting my younger siblings from the fallout. Grounding advice reminded me we still need a Dad in our lives. By confronting the issue with care, I aim to heal our family." - Sarah T.
    Have a story our readers should hear? Share it with 1 billion+ annual wikiHow users. Tell us your story here .
  2. There’s no for-sure way to confirm that your husband is cheating without asking. Miller says to “sit down with your partner and just say, ‘Hey, I'm having some fears that you're going outside the relationship, can we talk about this in an open and honest way?’” Then, see where the conversation goes from there.
    • Try “to go in with neutral intent because we don't know the other side of the story,” Miller suggests. “[It] could be a really big misunderstanding.”
    • Miller also says “If you did, in fact, find out that your partner did cheat, then I highly suggest coming into couples counseling so that you have a really safe space to explore all that is going on.”
  3. If your husband has cheated, it can trigger powerful emotions that can make it hard to make long-term decisions. While you’re dealing with the affair, take care of yourself and consider sharing what happened with trusted loved ones who can support and encourage you during this time. [31]
    • Get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water, and exercise regularly . [32]
    • Remind yourself that you’re loved and cared for. Try repeating positive affirmations to yourself like “I am worthy of love,” or “I’m ready and capable enough to handle anything.” [33]
    • Consider taking a break from social media so you don’t have to worry about keeping up an image and try to avoid sharing too much about your relationship too soon online.
  4. Try not to go into the intimate details of the affair with your husband right away—instead, give yourselves space to think about what happened, understand the cause of the affair, and heal. If you decide to work through the affair and rebuild trust, seek help from a licensed marriage counselor. [34]
    • If you decide to separate from or divorce your husband, lean on your family and friends. Consider meeting with a therapist who can help you work through the breakup.
    • If you decide to stay, make a plan to restore trust in your relationship. That might mean he has to end the affair and be completely transparent about what he does or where he goes. [35]
    • Whatever you choose to do, make sure to keep taking care of yourself and your mental health. [36]
    Esther Perel, Psychotherapist

    Recovering from infidelity requires a fresh start. "In the aftermath of an affair, I often tell a couple: Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?"

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  • Question
    How can I catch my husband if he was found on Match.com?
    Community Answer
    Well, if you've caught him on Match.com, you already know that he's trying to cheat. I think that's all the proof you need.
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  • Question
    I've caught my husband cheating several times and he trivializes. I try to forgive because of my children, and he just tells me to "do your worst". What can I do?
    Community Answer
    He is using your forgiving and understanding nature to do whatever he pleases. Also, he may be hoping that you will indeed "do your worst" and leave him, so he can feel good about going to be with the other woman. If he has continually cheated, he is not likely to change. If you don't want to be married to a cheater, you should make plans to separate.
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    After promising to stop, my husband continues to cheat on me. What should I do?
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    Leave him. You can do better with someone who will respect, love, and care about your feelings and well-being.
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      Tips

      • If you think you might physically hurt yourself or someone else, seek help from a medical professional immediately. [37]
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      • Your husband could display all of the signs of infidelity and not be cheating. Instead, these signs could be an indication that something else is wrong. It’s best to communicate your concerns with your husband and see where it goes from there. [38]
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      References

      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      2. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/lists/signs-your-partner-is-cheating
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/strategies-living/202205/signs-your-spouse-is-cheating-you
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/strategies-living/202205/signs-your-spouse-is-cheating-you
      5. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/stonewalling-in-couples-when-you-or-your-partner-shuts-down
      6. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/lists/signs-your-partner-is-cheating
      7. ↑ https://www.vogue.in/content/subtle-signs-of-cheating-to-watch-out-for
      8. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-cheating-wife
      9. ↑ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/mood-swings
      1. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/
      2. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/lists/signs-your-partner-is-cheating
      3. ↑ https://www.vogue.in/content/subtle-signs-of-cheating-to-watch-out-for
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      5. ↑ https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/lists/signs-your-partner-is-cheating
      6. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-big-debate-over-little-lies/
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202103/if-youve-been-cheated-on-its-likely-youve-been
      8. ↑ https://www.women.com/1233282/signs-your-partner-is-gaslighting-you-to-disguise-their-cheating/
      9. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/psychological-effects-of-false-accusations-in-relationships
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-instincts/202302/3-subtle-signs-of-cheating-and-what-to-do-about-them
      11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      12. ↑ https://www.lgbthero.org.uk/fs164-cheating-and-the-risk-of-stis
      13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      14. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/signs-of-cheating-wife
      15. ↑ https://academic.oup.com/jcr/article/47/1/1/5610529?login=false
      16. ↑ https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/losing-interest
      17. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/signs-of-cheating
      18. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating
      19. ↑ https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a25804434/signs-of-cheating/
      20. ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/is-my-boyfriend-cheating-on-me
      21. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
      22. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
      23. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
      24. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/what-are-positive-affirmations
      25. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
      26. ↑ https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-build-trust-with-your-partner-after-infidelity/
      27. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201802/your-partner-cheated-now-what
      28. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/infidelity/art-20048424
      29. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201812/10-signs-your-spouse-is-cheating

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      To find out if your husband is cheating, keep an eye on his phone in case he gets a suspicious message from someone you've never heard of. You can also check his Facebook if he leaves it logged in on a computer. If you're sure he's cheating and want evidence, consider following him in a friend's car to see where he's going. Alternatively, check in on him when he's working late or watching the game at a friend's house to catch him lying to you. When you've spotted signs that convince you he's cheating, ask him if he's been cheating on you to see how he reacts. For more tips, including how to work out if your husband's cheating from his habits, read on!

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