What to Do When You Catch Feelings for a Friend: Experts Weigh In

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Learn what to expect if you want to date a friend
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Maybe you've been friends for years when one night, something they say or do makes you suddenly see them differently. Or maybe you've just been thinking it's possible that the love of your life is actually right there in front of your eyes. Wherever you're at, if you've decided to take the plunge and try to date one of your friends, we've got you covered. Read on for expert advice from therapists, matchmakers, and dating coaches on what to expect as you make a transition from friends to lovers.

Going from Friends to Lovers

If you and a close friend decide to start dating, expect things to be a little awkward at first while you figure out how things are going to be different. As long as you set and enforce boundaries and leave room for romance, the two of you have a great opportunity for a loving relationship.

Section 1 of 3:

Transitioning From Friends to Dating

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  1. A lot of the "stages" of dating are designed for people who are basically strangers and need to get to know each other. It's natural to assume those stages don't apply to you since you two are already friends. But that doesn't mean that your romantic connection doesn't need time to build. Research shows that many friends who rush through the dating stages and move in together right away end up apart. [1]
    • Dating coach and matchmaker Erika Kaplan advises that you "slowly initiate or integrate" romantic connections "into the relationship that you've already established."
    • You might feel some pressure to get physical right away, but don't rush into that either if you're not ready for it. Remember that even if you've known each other for years, you're still strangers to each other in a lot of ways.
    • If they're moving too quickly for you, you might gently say, "Listen, our friendship comes first. I want to take this slow—we've got plenty of time for everything else."
  2. Most couples have expectations for how their relationship will progress. But when you start dating a friend, the progression is often different than it would be if you'd started dating a relative stranger you met on a dating app. The great thing is that, since you're friends, you can talk about all of this and decide how you want things to go. [2]
    • Sit down and make lists of things the two of you each like for romantic partners to do. Then, compare your lists to come up with a lot of awesome things you can do to make your friendship feel more romantic.
    • You might also have expectations of a romantic partner that you wouldn't have of a friend. For example, if you're dating someone, you might expect them to text you a "good morning" message every morning that they're not with you, even though you wouldn't expect that from a friend.
    • If you feel as though you'd rather have a relationship like "friends with benefits," let your friend know that from the outset so they know you don't want a more serious relationship.
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  3. To some extent, this is about controlling the narrative. People are going to gossip about you—they probably already are. If the two of you get ahead of the rumors and show that you have nothing to hide, everyone will be a lot more accepting of the two of you as a couple. [3]
    • There are some circumstances when you might want to wait a little while before making your relationship public, such as if you work together.
  4. Now that you're dating, make it clear that you put them first and consider them more important. They're no longer just one of the gang whose opinion isn't more valuable than anyone else's—now they're your significant other. Let them know that they're more important to you than your other friends.
    • For example, if you have to make a choice between hanging out with them and going out with a group of mutual friends, you might decide to stay with them.
    • This doesn't mean that you pick them over your friends literally all the time. Just make sure that you're considering their feelings first.
  5. Research shows that while "friends with benefits" type relationships are fairly common, they often don't transition into a traditional committed romantic relationship. [4] Going on dates won't necessarily change that, but it will definitely help the two of you start feeling more romantic toward each other.
    • In addition to planning romantic dates , you might also let them know that you want to do more lovey-dovey things.
    • Think about what you'd do to get ready for a date with a stranger, and then do that stuff before going out with your friend. This aspect is often missing from the dating experience when you start dating a friend. After all, they've already seen you at your worst, right? So why bother? Here's why—because they'll see that you're making an effort for them. [5]
    • For example, you might shower and dress up a little before you go to meet them for ice cream instead of just wearing your exercise clothes.
  6. While it's usually going to be best if you take it slow on the romantic side of things, there's also a danger that you can be overly familiar with someone that you've been friends with for a while. [6]
    • Marriage and family therapist Elvina Lui notes that while "it is important to be open and honest about what you want to get out of the relationship, the tricky thing is sometimes you yourself might not be sure what you want." Take things as they come and be open to new possibilities as you explore a different dynamic.
    • Celebrity matchmaker and dating coach Alessandra Conti agrees that open communication is key to a healthy relationship: "Look at your relationship [as though] you're on a team. You can be right all the time, but you will be alone all the time."
  7. If you're two of a gang that always hung out together, you should totally still do that! Just because you're dating, that's no reason to stop doing the things you used to do together as friends.
    • Hanging out together with your mutual friends also reassures them that nothing has changed in your relationship with them and that you're all still going to be friends.
  8. Quality time alone together is so important for the two of you to bond as a couple and grow your relationship. Sure, you probably hung out a lot as friends, but it's different now that the two of you are together. [7]
    • An easy way to do this is to find some sort of activity or hobby that the two of you enjoy doing together, such as hiking or playing pickleball. Then you have a built-in date for some quality time.
    • Even if you're still hanging out a lot with mutual friends, try to have at least one night a week where the two of you spend some quality time together—just the two of you.
  9. In a healthy relationship, the two of you support each other in your individual pursuits. While you'll probably have things that you like to do together, healthy couples also pursue their own things apart from their partner. [8]
    • If the two of you have been friends for a while, you likely have a lot in common. That can promote a tendency to merge with the other person, if you're not careful.
    • Also keep in mind that you might have interests that your friend-turned-lover never knew about, even though they've known you for quite some time—and the same goes for them as well.
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs There Could Be Something More

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  1. You don't feel like you have to be "on" all the time when you're hanging out with the friend you're thinking about. You know that when you're struggling they're going to be there to support you and lift you up if they can. [9]
    • For example, if you're starting to feel more romantic about your friend, the two of you might start having more personal conversations about your mental health or other issues that you wouldn't talk about with just any friend. [10]
    • Another big clue? If the two of you have cried together, that's definitely a sign that you're comfortable being vulnerable with each other.
    • Lui notes that "if you still find it hard to bring yourself to be vulnerable, it is possible that you have deeper issues around intimacy, perhaps you have been hurt before and it is hard for you to be vulnerable. You can go to a therapist to specifically address and resolve this issue."
  2. Similar values and goals in life is key for most people when they're thinking about a potential long-term relationship. If you and your friend seem to be headed in the same direction and want the same things out of life, that's a pretty strong sign that you could work as romantic partners. [11]
    • For example, both you and your friend might have similar goals in terms of where you want to live or what kind of house you want to buy.
    • Your goals are typically tied to your values. For example, if both you and your friend value family, you might both want to buy a house in your hometown so you'll be close to your parents.
  3. If you've been friends for a while, you've likely seen what they're like in a romantic relationship and what they need out of a romantic partner. If the two of you have similar expectations for potential partners, things are looking good for you to take your relationship to the next level. [12]
    • For example, you might prefer a partner who's more hands-off and lets you do your own thing. If your friend had previously told you that their ex was too clingy, that could be a sign that you have similar preferences.
  4. Trust and respect are important in any relationship. If you already have those as friends, you can be confident that whatever happens, the two of you will still have a close relationship. That trust and respect means you're unlikely to do anything to deeply hurt each other. [13]
    • Trust and respect also make it a lot more likely that the two of you will remain friends even if you try a romantic relationship and it doesn't suit you.
  5. 5
    You share open and honest conversations. Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, whether platonic or romantic. But if you're going to get involved with this person as a true partner, communication is absolutely essential. If you're already comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your friend and don't feel the need to hide anything from them, you're on the right track. [14]
    • A big part of honesty is feeling safe with the person. You feel comfortable telling them anything because you know that they're not going to judge you. That's a really strong indication that you have what it takes to be great romantic partners.
  6. People tend to flirt with people they're sexually or romantically attracted to, so if your friend is flirting with you there's likely potential for the two of you to move in a more romantic direction. The same is true if you're flirting with them and they're flirting back and not acting all weird about it, even if they don't initiate the flirting. [15]
    • For matchmaker and certified life coach Christina Jay, one of the best ways to tell if a friend is interested in a romantic relationship is "if you flirt with them and they flirt back" or "if they want to impress you."
    • Pay attention to body language when the two of you are together as well. For example, if they tend to go out of their way to make sure they're sitting next to you when you go out with friends, that could definitely be a sign that they're thinking about you romantically.
    • Conti notes that particularly with guys, if they're actively texting you and flirting with you on a regular basis, that's an indication that they're probably interested in you as more than a friend.
  7. If there's some extra chemistry between you and this friend you're thinking about, it's likely that other people who hang around the two of you have noticed it too. They've probably even commented on it. They might've made jokes or even seriously asked you if you'd ever considered dating them. [16]
    • If no one's mentioned the two of you dating before, you could always ask! Mutual friends can often see something that you might not have noticed.
    • You also might be able to get the skinny on whether the person you're thinking of has been thinking about you in a similar way.
  8. It might have started when a group of you made plans and just the two of you showed up. After that, you realize that you enjoy spending time with this person one-on-one and keep coming up with ways to do more of that. [17]
    • This is a stronger sign if it involves one (or even both) of you going out of your way to make this happen. For example, if your friend agrees to meet you for coffee in the morning even though you live on the other side of town.
    • Don't forget, the two of you spending time alone together can be part of what gets your mutual friends talking about the possibility of there being something more between you!
    • Conti notes that it's often a lot simpler for guys: "If a guy invites you to do something... he may not say 'go on a date with me'... but that's the obvious, clear thing."
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Section 3 of 3:

Confessing Your Feelings

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  1. It's fine to blurt out your feelings while the two of you are waiting in line at a food truck—but that's less likely to get the response you want. Take the time to steer your friend into a calm, private location where the two of you can have a conversation without being interrupted or getting distracted.
    • You really don't want to overdo this—don't make it seem like a big thing that you put a lot of effort into. If your friend isn't interested in dating, they'll likely feel bad.
  2. Research shows that people aren't that great at picking up on the fact that someone is flirting with them. If you're flirting with your friend and they're flirting back, it shows that they're receptive. [18]
    • While you can't be certain that this means they want to date you, it does make it seem like they're open to the idea.
    • Kaplan agrees that "what keeps people out of the friend zone is good body language," including things like making eye contact, turning your whole body to face the person, and occasionally touching their arm or leg as you chat.
  3. This conversation goes a lot better when you tell your friend exactly how you feel and what you want. If you try to be vague, you only run the risk that they'll misunderstand you. Just keep it simple—you don't need to make a flowery speech or confess your undying love. [19]
    • For example, you might say, "I've really enjoyed hanging out with you as a friend and I feel like there might be something more there. Want to go out on a date or two with me and see how it goes?"
    • Lui agrees that "while it is a risk, it is healthier to be open rather than hiding your feelings. It is common that people choose to hide their feelings because they want to avoid conflict and rejection at all costs, but doing this sabotages your chances at happiness."
    • Kaplan notes that "allowing yourself to be a little bit vulnerable in front of the person... [can] really separate friends from romantic partners."
    • Jay admits "that can be tricky. You don't want the friendship to end if the relationship does not work. Again, honesty is the best policy and it's best to discuss with your friend what your thoughts are."
    • Reader Poll: We asked 527 wikiHow readers who've asked their friend on a date, and 54% of them agreed that the best way to do so is by suggesting a casual date and seeing where things go from there. [Take Poll]
  4. Even though you might've been obsessing over your feelings for a while, you can only assume that this is the first time your friend is thinking about this. It might not be, but it's important to hear them out and answer any questions they might have. [20]
    • Show that you're actively listening by paraphrasing back whatever they've said before you respond. This ensures that the two of you don't have any misunderstandings.
  5. As friends, you're already on the same team. Confessing your feelings doesn't mean that you're now opposing each other. The key is to find the best way for the two of you to continue to have a healthy and caring relationship. If they don't feel comfortable changing the dynamic of your relationship, respect their feelings the same way you respect them. [21]
    • Sometimes, a person might say "I don't want to ruin our friendship," as a way of letting you down gently when they only like you as a friend. The best way to take a comment like this is to let them know that you also value your friendship and wouldn't ever want to do anything to damage it.
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Join the Discussion...

Help, I have a crush on my best friend!
WikiBirdWatcher823
29
WikiBirdWatcher823
How do I handle having a crush on my best friend? I think she’s amazing, and we do everything together. But I don’t know if she feels the sam... Read More
12
John Keegan
Dating Coach
This is a tough situation to be in. The best thing to do when you have a crush on your best friend is find out if they feel the same way. Sometim... Read More
WikiPlumJammer865
2
WikiPlumJammer865
Hey man, I went through the same thing, and it’s rough. My advice is to just talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and be clear that you both val... Read More
See all 155 Replies and
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Expert Q&A

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  • Question
    I like someone in my class, but I am not allowed to date. How do I respond to my feelings if my mom doesn't approve of me dating?
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Trudi Griffin is a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Wisconsin. She specializes in addictions, mental health problems, and trauma recovery. She has worked as a counselor in both community health settings and private practice. She also works as a writer and researcher, with education, experience, and compassion for people informing her research and writing subjects. She received Bachelor’s degrees in Communications and Psychology from the University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She also earned an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Marquette University.
    Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS
    Professional Counselor
    Expert Answer
    Feelings and behavior are two different things. Your mom is limiting the behavior of dating which would put you and another person in a situation that she does not believe you are ready for. Those limits are healthy. It is ok to feel something more than friendship for someone even if you do not date.
    Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
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      References

      1. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506211026992
      2. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506211026992
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201707/friendship-courtship-how-friends-fall-in-love
      4. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506211026992
      5. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506211026992
      6. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202304/hi-im-a-healthy-relationship
      8. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      9. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/screaming-at-the-void/202311/when-a-platonic-relationship-turns-into-a-romantic-one
      2. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/202304/hi-im-a-healthy-relationship
      4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201707/friendship-courtship-how-friends-fall-in-love
      5. ↑ https://health.clevelandclinic.org/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship
      6. ↑ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506211026992
      7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201707/friendship-courtship-how-friends-fall-in-love
      8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201707/friendship-courtship-how-friends-fall-in-love
      9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships/202404/the-science-of-flirting
      10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/relationships-intimate-and-more/202102/honest-conversations-in-relationships
      11. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_tips_for_better_relationship_conversations
      12. ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_tips_for_better_relationship_conversations

      About This Article

      Article Summary X

      Going from friends to dating can seem like a daunting transition, but lots of relationships happen this way. The first step is to hint that you have deeper feelings for your friend. Try some subtle flirting techniques, like making eye contact, smiling, and complimenting them more often. Try to face them more when you hang out together and sit or stand a little closer to them. After you’ve been flirting with them for a little while, consider asking them out. Just say something like, “Do you fancy going for dinner on the weekend? Just the two of us?” Once you start dating, it can be easy to move quickly, since you already know the person well, but try to take things slowly and enjoy it. Being in a relationship with someone is different to being friends and you don’t want to rush the romance! For more tips from our co-author, including how to work out if you should ask your friend out, read on!

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